As I walked away from the pulpit, the name that fell from my lips settled into my spirit. As the church clapped and said “Amen”, some of the members still worshipping, crying, and praising God, I caught the astonishment in Taij’s eyes. His despair confirmed who I just announced into the pulpit.
Immediately, I spun around in the middle of the aisle and recognized my father approaching the mic as he praised God. Horror instantly consumed me as I watched the same man that beat and molested me stand before my God as if he was righteous.
Without thinking, I was walking out of the sanctuary. In order to hide my past, I wanted to flee and react in private. I could hear Jesse’s voice through the sound system and every word he said made me nauseous.
“Before I begin, I’d like my lovely family to stand.”
That is when I stopped in my tracks. I stood in the doorway of theentrance to the room and eagerly awaited to see who this family was that was so much better than I that he actually claimed and loved them.
There was a woman in the second row who stood along with a boy and girl who both looked to be about fifteen years old.
“Amen,” Jesse said as he smiled. “I thank God for my wife and children every day.”
It was ironic that I was the only other person standing at the time. Yet, because of this, I caught Jesse’s attention. He simply glanced at me at first. Then he did a double take once recognizing me. He had the audacity to look as if I took his breath away, as if I was the long lost daughter that he loved,rather than the daughter that he denied by giving me black eyes and attempting to rape me.
Before there was too much of a scene, I continued to flee. I walked brisklyinto the lobby and out the front doors of the church. I could only make it half a block before I was vomiting on the sidewalk. I fell to my knees and allowed my body to disgorge as it became sick with the pictures of Jesse standing over me as he punched me because he felt like he was stuck with me. I continued to gag as I recalled the nights that he lay on top of me breathing heavily as he fondled my breast and molested my private parts.
When a shadow came over me, I jumped in fear. Again, I felt like I was fourteen all over again, running and preparing myself to battle Jesse.
However, it was Taij. His eyes gave me so much pity, but he had no words. He simply put his arms around me and I fell into him. We sat on the curb and I cried into him. He rocked me, and I seemed to wail in tears.
I don’t know how long we sat out there. I was so paralyzed by Jesse’s presence that I felt stuck. Some time had passed because I could hear the service going on inside the church. I could hear as his sermon ended, as they took offering, and then I could hear Pastor Jackson doing the benediction.
“Vic, we need to leave before people start leaving the church,” Taij told me.
That forced me to stop crying aloud. Now tears just silently fell on their own.
“I’ll go inside, get DeSire, andbringher home. Just go home, okay?”
I merely nodded. I didn’t want him to leave, but I knew we couldn’t sit out here forever.
“Vic,” Taij warned as he stood and I continued to sit.
“Just give me a few minutes.”
Taij knew better than to put any further pressure on me, so he walked away. Though I was too torn to move, my instincts knew that I better get up before someone saw me.
I always kept my past from everyone; the beatings, molestation, and the suicide attempt. Since I was a child, I was too embarrassed to explain to people why, though I lived with my father, he was never at any of my school functions, and why I often had black eyes and a busted lip. I was too embarrassed to explain to them that my father didn’t want my mother or me, so after my mother died of Cancer, he used me as a source of income and then as a means to get off at night.
I began to hear people leaving the church, so I wiped my face clean and stood to my feet. As soon as I turned to walk towards my car, I collided with Jesse.
Before I knew it, he held both of my hands.
“I am so sorry,” is what he told me as I snatched away from him.
My hands instantly felt so dirty that I wanted to cut them off and grow new ones.
I sneered at him through gritted teeth. “I hate you!”
My anger didn’t scare him. He simply said,“I am so sorry.”
His undeniable sincerity made me gag all over again.
“Fuck you!”
Jesse stood before me in his clergy robe continuously reaching for me, and I backed away from him like the pedophile that he is.
The irony in cursing one of God’s shepherds was such a staggering feeling. I wanted to tear the clergy attire from his body because he didn’t deserve to even be near it.
More and more worshippers began to file out of the church. I could see them as they laughed and chatted while slowly making their way towards my direction.
“Vic, I am so sorry. I’ve always prayed for the opportunity to tell you how sincerely sorry that I am. Every time I get on my knees, I pray that I didn’t ruin you.”
Before I knew it, I was in his face with my finger pushing against his temple.
As I gave his head a tough push, I warned, “Life taught me to lick my own wounds, so you can keep your empathy and your prayers.”
TRICEY
I hugged Vic tightly once she was inside of the suite. She only sniffled here and there, crying silently; nothing like the storm she was crying when she called me about an hour ago, asking if she could come by.
When she told me that she had just run into Jesse, my answer was that she hurry up and get here.
I couldn’t believe that Jesse had the nerve to speak to her directly, so I know it shook Vic to her soul. I remember the days that she came to school unsuccessfully hiding black eyes and bruises. I will never be able to forget the day that I found her in the park sloppy drunk and bloody from the beating Jesse gave her and the cuts from her attempted suicide.
It took Vic years to be able to sleep through the night without having nightmares about Jesse molesting her.
Sometimes she still suffers from nightmares that replay the day that he got on top of her, pulled his boxers down, and attempted to penetrate her.
“I can’t believe this shit,” Vic cursed as she lay across the bed.
I sat on the side of her, looking on in pity, as I rubbed her back as if that would fix this.
“A preacher? He has the nerve to be a preacher! That motherfucka beat the shit outta me just for breathing! He whooped my ass like I was a man anytime he felt like it! He left my mother on her deathbed! He tried to fuck me! He touched me every night! And he’s a fucking preacher?!”
Vic sounded so disappointed; as if the one place she could go to get help, assurance, and guidance had let her down by allowing Jesse in.
“What happened, Vic?”
Though Vic let me know that she bumped into Jesse, all she explained was that he was a preacher and had come to her church with his family.
“I had to emcee the service today unexpectedly, so everything I was saying was off the cuff or was written down for me. I really didn’t have time to read what was going on in the service or who I was announcing beforehand,” she explained. “So I announced the guest speaker, and it was Jesse.”
“Wow.”
“Girl, that’s nothing. Now of course I immediately began to walk out, but before I left, I heard him ask his family to stand.”
“His family? Shut up!”
“Yes. He’s married and has two children; a son and a daughter.”
“You have siblings, Vic!”
I guess in any other situation this would be good news. Vic has no biological family. Her mother died when she was in seventh grade. Her maternal uncle soon passed after that and her maternal grandparents were long gone before her mother passed.
Jesse was such an asshole to her that being close to his side of the family isn’t an option.
This is why when I found out about her affair with Taij, I eventually forgave
her. It was easy for me to forgive Vic because I knew that Lyric and I were the closest thing to a family that she had left. I knew that she would only risk destroying that over the chance of having a real family.
As I grew up, I have felt love deeper than what I thought I felt when I was dating Taij in high school. Vic, whether she admits it or not, is still in that love.
“Those aren’t my damn siblings,” she snarled. “Jesse was never a father to me, so they can’t be my sister and brother.”
There was so much pain of Vic’s past still present in her future. As she lay before me crying in frustration, she still looked like the fifteen-year-old girl that hated the world for giving her such bad luck. There was no therapy or religion that could change the hurt of a dead mother and a father that loved you only enough to sleep with you.
This pain will grow old with her.
“What are you going to do?”
“Forget this day ever happened,” Vic quickly answered. “I doubt he’ll ever come back to that church. I am sure the fear of his church finding out that he’s a pedophile will keep him and his ‘flock’ the hell away.”
“What about your sister and brother?”
I should have known better than to ask. Vic looked at me with an expression that asked, “How dare you even utter the words?” Then, she simply rolled her eyes in aggravation and looked at nothing in particular.
Though her tears had turned into anger by now, I still could see her fighting the urge to cry. Vic was still the stubborn little girl that she has always been, refusing to let anyone see her vulnerable and weak. I knew better than to console or argue with her. Yet, I quietly recognized that hurt little girl, hiding behind Vic’s eyes and under her tough exterior, who wanted her mother and was terrified of her father.
As soon as Blood arrived, Vic exited stage left. I knew she would since she still likes to keep her past very secret.
Blood was so consumed by his own drama that he didn’t notice Vic’s mood as she left, but I definitely noticed his.
I try very hard to stay out of Blood’s business. I know what he does for a living, but as for the activities that come along with it-the murders, stick ups, etc.- I am sure to stay ignorant of. The less I know, the better, but I’m smart enough to realize that he never does his own dirty work. There is always a lower man on the totem pole that disappears every now and then, and when he comes back, things get better, someone is missing, or there is a funeral a few days later.
But, seeing it as though Blood can’t trust his own circle lately, he has been the one disappearing and coming back at early hours of the morning in all black, wearing a hoodie, although it’s summer, and with nothing to say.
He’s been having secret squirrel conversations all day. He kept his stash at my house, so there was no need to hide work-related conversation from me. I knew he was talking about something that he was ashamed to let me hear, but I could assume what was going on. As I said, I peeped his mood when he walked in. He seemed very lost in his own head; as if he were calculating his steps repeatedly. He sat silently at the table, sipping a small cup of Courvoisier Cognac XO Imperial and looking deep into the wood of the table.
“Has he been back on the block?”
“He” is Banks, the worker that Blood was told robbed him along with four of his friends and has since gone missing.
Blood answered me by simply shaking his head.
“What have you been doing all day?”
“Shit,” he quickly replied.
But I knew better. If Blood didn’t want to tell me what was going on, I have been stuck in this damn suite for so long that I have no choice but to watch the news, so I’ve heard what’s been going on on the Westside since Shon’s murder. The sudden rise in shootings makes it obvious that Blood and Smith are making it a point to find Banks and get information out of anyone they can.
“I know you’re ready to go home.” Now his voice was more tender and caring. Suddenly, he was Nate again.
“I’m okay.”
“No, you’re not.”
“I am,” I lied. “Being ‘stuck’ in a suite is nothing to complain about.”
“You’ll be able to go home soon.”
“I thought you said I couldn’t go home until you found Banks.”
“I did, and I also just said you’ll be able to go home soon.”
ELEVEN
Monday, July 27, 2009
TRICEY
I was awake at five o’clock the next morning. Sleeping was becoming more and more uncomfortable as my due date drew nearer. At five in the morning, nothing is on hotel television but infomercials and the morning news.
Blood left at about three o’clock this morning. He got a call that woke me out of my sleep. He stepped into the bathroom where he held a three-minute conversation that I couldn’t hear, though I tried very hard to. He exited the bathroom fully dressed. When he kissed me on the cheek before leaving, I knew something wasn’t right. The kiss was final, and he seemed timid.
When he sold drugs, he was confident and had an ego. He knew how to sell drugs, but he didn’t know how to intimidate and kill people. His trade was dope, not murder. However, murder is something he has to commit in order to protect himself and his product.
I lay in the bed with back pain and a bit of nausea as I wondered. I didn’t wonder about anything in particular because all kinds of thoughts were running through my mind. I wondered when I would be able to go home. I wondered if Blood would be smart enough to keep himself alive. I wondered about Amiel. I wondered if he ever thought about me. I wondered when or if I would ever feel enough emotions towards him again to tell him about our child.
Before I could get too deep into thought, the news anchor reported a murder on the South Side. Since the murder accorded just an hour ago, the story was still developing, so the news anchor only had minor details. All she could report was that a twenty-four year old African-American male by the name of Jonathan Hope aka “Banks”, a local gang member and known felon, was found dead in an alley in the Chatham neighborhood with four gunshot wounds to the back.
My stomach began to curdle. There were two emotions bursting inside of me. I was relieved that Banks was finally ”taken care of”, because that meant that I could return home and Blood could stop watching his back. However, Banks’ death meant possible retaliation by the same trigger happy motherfuckers that killed Shon, which meant that Blood still had to watch his back.
I heard Blood coming through the door of the suite. I was ready to flip. He played the wrong hand, and I knew he knew better.
No matter how quick I wanted to get into the living room area of the suite, my stomach wouldn’t allow it, so by the time I made it, Blood was in the bathroom, the shower was running, and he was stripping himself of his clothes.
“What did you do?”
He stood before me in nothing but a pair of jersey shorts, but I saw the perspiration on his skin and the anxiety in his face.
I asked him again, “What did you do?”
Blood dismissed my inquiries like I was talking crazy. “Nothin’, man. Go to bed.”
“You shittin’ me! I just heard about it on the news!”
“Then why you askin’ me dumb ass questions?”
I ignored his anger because mine was bigger.“Why would you do that?!”
“What else was I suppose to do?! Move? Quit? Settle down and get a job?”
“Sounds smarter than murder!”
“He killed Shon! He took my shit!”
“And so did four other motherfuckas! You gon’ kill them too?!”
He simply sighed in frustration. He stood still, looking at the ground like a ten year old getting a lecture from his mother that he didn’t want to hear it.
“You are so much smarter than this! You don’t shoot up neighborhoods. You don’t kill people.”
“It comes with the territory.”
“Since when?”
“Since motherfuckas started shootin’ up my ne
ighborhood and killin’ my people!”
“So what are you going todo? Go back and forth for the rest of your life? It’s not going to stop with Banks, and you know it! Just like you found out he did it, somebody is going to find out that you killed him, and then we’ll be hiding again!”
“That’s not gon’ happen.”
“How do you know?”
“It’s not! Would you just trust me?” His eyes seemed to beg for my faith.
This is whereBloodand I clashed heavily. He was educated with a hood doctrine that he refused to let go. Though I didn’t grow up in the suburbs by any means, there was a lot that my mother’s strict upbringing kept me from. I knew a way out when it was embedded inBlood that there was no other way out.
I sat on the toilet seat before my legs could give out on me. Nate sat on the tub.
“I just don’t want anything to happen to you,” I confessed.
“I know, babe.”
“Just please be careful and try to make smarter decisions. You never get your hands this dirty.”
“Everything will be okay.”
I wanted to believeBlood, but common sense told me that everything would not be okay. At the rate things were going, either the Feds or Banks’ people were going to catch up with him.
They kill people over nothing every day, so killing Blood to get hundreds of thousands is nothing.
LYRIC
I flinched when I saw Evette’s number on the Caller ID.
I have been dodging her calls for days now, so I had to answer before I looked suspicious.
“Hey, Evette.”
Cory, who was sitting across from me at the dining room table, chuckled.
“Well, hello, stranger,” Evette said. “And to what do I owe the honor of getting my phone call answered?”
“Girl, please. Don’t do me like that.”
“You know you’ve been acting funny towards me.”
“Not acting funny. Just been really busy with work.”
“Busy workin’ your husband is more like it,” Cory muttered.
Good Girls Ain't No Fun Boxed Set (The SIX romance and urban fiction volumes of the LOVE, SEX, LIES series) Page 30