We spent the late morning and early afternoon inside of one another. Hunger for an afternoon snack didn’t occur because we, as Jelani suggested this morning, literally had one another for lunch.
Though my initial intent was to cater to him, he took over our sexual experiences by catering to and spoiling me. The head he gave me lasted forever. I would orgasm and he would encourage more orgasms to come by continuing to make love to me with his face. He opened my legs wider and wider as if he couldn’t get in deep enough. He ate me from the front, back and side while I wished for it to never end.
We rode one another in every position. I took out aggravations on him as I rode him. I rested on the tip of my toes, held on to the headboard, and gave him no mercy. The bitch in me went up and down on his erection with intent to make him curse the day he proposed to another woman. I wanted to fuck him so good that he cursed himself for not being fully available to me. From the back, he returned the torture. I bit the covers and called on every spiritual being that I knew of. I stroked his ego, telling him how good he felt inside of me, how I wanted it all day, and how I wished I could have him all to myself.
We literally played, kissed, sucked, and penetrated for hours on end. He couldn’t keep his lips off of me and I enjoyed the closeness. It was as if the anticipation between us gave us an Ecstasy-type high. Our energy was endless. Nothing was good enough. No orgasm was great enough because it left us wanting more, left us wanting to please the other even more.
A few hours later, he was asleep next to me while I was on my way to sleep. That is, until my cell began to vibrate.
I hurried to answer when I saw that it was Tricey. Since she is so far along in her pregnancy, I make sure to answer her calls in case she needs anything or is in labor.
“Hey, Tricey.”
“What’s up, girl? Why aren’t you at work?”
“I took a day off.”
I noticed the aggravation in her tone, so was more concerned about her than wanting to tell her who I took the day off with. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Stuck in this damn hotel downtown.”
“Why are you in a hotel?”
“Girl,” she said with a sigh full of annoyance. “Smith and Shon were robbed yesterday. Shon got killed.”
I began to scream in whispers. “What?! Oh my God! Was Blood with them?”
“He was still in the spot, thank God. Smith got shot too, but they weren’t fatal wounds. He’s still in the hospital though, cursing out the doctors and nurses because he wants to get out and find who shot him.”
Tricey went on to tell me that Blood has since heard through the streets that one of his younger workers off the block set him up. Without Tricey getting into details since we were on the phone, I knew what they robbed Blood of, and, since Blood only deals in a certain amount of weight, I knew it had to be a lot.
“I know Blood is going nuts,” I said.
“Nuts is not the word. He’s ballistic. He won’t let me go home. He’s nervous and confused. He doesn’t know where all of this is coming from, and he can’t move anything because the Feds are watching him.”
“So you’re stuck in a hotel?”
“Yep. At least until he finds the guys who did this.”
That meant retaliation.
Just then, Jelani rolled over and held me tight. He even intertwined our legs amongst one another’s. As we spooned, he moved my hair out of my face, kissed my cheek, and fell back to sleep.
VICTORIA
“Tonight I am going to speak on forgiveness. This is particularly for the women in the congregation. So often I hear women say that they are praying and asking God for a change in their life; be it to be able to take care of your children, for God to send you unconditional love, or for strength to endure. But as I watch you pray, I see you suffering from hostility, anger, or resentment that is planted in your spirit. I am here to tell you today that as long as you harbor that unforgiving spirit, God can’t and He won’t bless you.”
As Lynn and I sat in Bible Study listening to Pastor Jackson teach, she pinched my thigh with a smile.
I simply rolled my eyes at the justification.
While Lynn and I rode together to Bible Study, Lynn continued to interrogate me about my feelings for Taij and my unwillingness to let my guard down in order to have what I want so badly in my life; my family.
Now it seemed as if Pastor Jackson was a fly in the back seat during that ride because he was right on my front door with this lesson.
“Women, you come to church wounded by someone’s misunderstanding of you, harboring grievances against someone who hurt you, or you are looking at your friends, family, or someone in your past with resentment or anger. You come to church with a grudge against someone who you once cared for or someone that you still love very much. You come to church with this resentment, anger, or grudge, but you are also asking and expecting your blessings and miracles from God.”
Pastor Jackson’s words hit me like a ton of bricks.
“Out of all of the characteristics that bring men close to God, none is more powerful than forgiveness. In Exodus, Chapter 24, Verse 6, the Lord speaks of Himself as ‘The Lord, the Lord God compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in loving kindness and truth who keeps loving kindness for thousands; who forgives iniquity, transgression, and sin’. God is forgiveness.
“There is an awesome power in forgiveness. Many times women say, ‘I’m over it’. ‘I forgave my ex-boyfriend’. ‘I forgave my children’s father’. ‘I forgave my father’. But forgiveness is totally giving up the resentment that is manifesting in your heart against that person no matter how bad the damage is that was done to you. Just because you still speak to that person or can see that person without knockin’ them upside the head . . .”, Pastor Jackson, as well as the congregation, laughed at his joke as he continued, “. . . that does not mean that you have truly forgiven them. If you are trying to rationalize what happened so that you don’t have to let go, you have not administered true forgiveness! If you are resisting letting go because you don’t want to look weak or feel rejected, you have not administered true forgiveness! If you are continuing to dwell on that particular hurtful experience, you have not administered true forgiveness!”
Lynn nudged me in the side as she shouted, “C’mon here! You betta preach, Pastor!” Then she gave me a cynical grin.
I simply sat there and sulked in guilt.
“Let me further clarify what true forgiveness is. So many times people say ‘forgive and forget’. No, forgiving is not the same as forgetting. We want to remember the lessons of our past because they have a lot to teach us. That way, we can avoid the mistakes and fools of our past. Forgiving is not the same as condoning or approving. I don’t want you going home and letting your kids get away with murder because ‘Pastor Jackson said so’. Forgiveness is understanding, but it is not self-sacrificial. True forgiveness is releasing the grip on the moments that bring you pain and regret, the moments that still have power over your emotions and direct your actions. True forgiveness is a release from your imprisonment in the past. Forgiveness is a movement into your promising tomorrow!
“True forgiveness is a necessity when someone has caused you pain so deep and severe that your soul is suffering and causing such a separation between you and righteousness that it is impossible for God to bless you with your heart’s desire because your soul isn’t ready or worthy.
“In Matthew 22:37-40, ‘Jesus said unto him, thou shall love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, thou shall love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.’ And if we break those two commandments, we can be opened up to curses, just as the people in the Old Testament were- curses. We bring curses of fear, depression, anxiety, and loneliness when we don’t forgive! And as these curses hinder our lives, we suffer from fruitlessness!
“Love is the exact opposite of unforgiveness and bitterness. So how can my women of God fast and pray for a loving husband, for her relationships to succeed, or for a good father for her children when she refuses to forgive? Mark 11:25 reads ‘And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him…’ Meaning that resentment can block God from answering your prayers because the only way to pray correctly is to, as you kneel before Him asking for what you want Him to bless into your life, forgive.
“In the last book of Job, forgiveness is used to bridge the gap separating Job from God. Job’s friends and counselors had failed both him and God, but God directed Job to pray for them anyway. In obedience, Job stood before God and interceded on behalf of his mockers, on behalf of his attackers, on behalf of his assaulters. Women, I come to tell you that when you imitate Job’s obedience by having mercy on your absentee father, and the mother that didn’t love you like she should, and that man that walked out on your children, or the husband that left you- when you stand before your assaulters and pray ‘in His love and in His mercy, redeem them’, ‘for just as I was once disobedient and You showed me mercy, they have also been disobedient, but because of the mercy shown to me, they also may now be shown mercy’- when you imitate Job by praying and showing your attackers, assaulters, and heartbreak some mercy, you intercede an inheritance of blessings! He’ll bless your children with a father figure! Suddenly you’ll meet someone that is like a mother to you! Out of nowhere, your husband will find you!
“Let go of the grudge against your failed possibilities of a better yesterday, a better three years ago, a better childhood, and a better marriage. Let it go! Give them mercy! And let God!”
LYNN
“So you’re not going to say anything?”
As Vic walked away, she simply said, “What am I suppose to say?”
I followed her out of the sanctuary and into the lobby.
“See? That’s why he doesn’t have a clue that you still like him.”
We were of course talking about Taij, who surprisingly popped into Bible Study this evening. Afterwards, Pam, another member of the church, suddenly felt the need to spark up a conversation with him.
Vic continued to play hard. “Who says I still like him?”
“You, fool!”
“They could be talking about anything,” she responded, blatantly ignoring the obvious.
“How so if this is only his second time coming to church? They don’t have anything to talk about! She walked up to him with a purpose, and you betta act like you know.”
Vic simply sighed and continued her stride. As I followed her outside, I wondered why she felt the need to be so hard. She could act like she didn’t care, but I saw the weariness in her eyes when she saw that woman talking to Taij.
“Where are Travis and the kids?”
“In the car. Stop changing the subject,” I told her.
“Don’t you need to be in the car with them then?”
“Okay, Vic. I give up, but you better stop acting so hard before one of these hungry heifers snatches him up. You heard that sermon tonight. That was for you.”
Vic shrugged her shoulders and snarled. “They can have him if it’s that’s easy to get him.”
As I sighed and put my hand on her shoulder, I told her, “Vic, just let your guard down and try. It won’t hurt to try.”
“Yes, it will.” As Vic spoke, the vulnerability in her eyes resembled that of a child.
That told me that Taij brought something out of Vic that she was terrified of.
I reached out to hug her and said goodbye. As I walked away, I saw Taij exiting the church carrying DeSire. He looked so eager and willing with her in his arms, as if a good father was all he wanted and needed to be.
Watching Taij reminded me of the things that I missed in my husband. There was life in Taij’s approach that I haven’t seen in my husband in years.
As I approached our Dodge Charger, the usual gloom that comes over me when I have to be around my husband surfaced like clockwork. No matter how happy and excited I am about my day, when I have to be around Travis, I lose all joy and instantly feel burdened by his presence.
As soon as I got into the car, my mother role began. Jamila began to shout. “Ma, Jerrod keep hittin’ me!”
I robotically responded, “Jerrod, stop messing with your sister.”
I could hear them continuing to spat in whispers as Travis drove off.
“Travis, what do you think about us spending some time together this weekend?”
I thought I would try giving the same effort that I was instructing Vic to give. Though Travis and I have had this conversation time and time again, I prayed that tonight would be different.
He responded, “Like what?”
“Like anything. Dinner, movie…Or maybe we can even stay overnight at a nice hotel.”
Travis cynically laughed at me. “We can do dinner and a movie at home, and we can most definitely sleep in our own bed.”
“We always do that,” I said as I rolled my eyes.
“Don’t start, Lynn.”
I wasn’t going to start anything with my children in the car, but I couldn’t help the tears that instantly formed in my eyes.
I hate Travis- literally. It was as if he suckered me into this marriage with dates, laughs, fun, and romance just to turn into an old-fashioned missionary. I couldn’t understand why he suddenly felt like our only outing was church functions, why he showed more emotion in church than he does in our bed, why the pastor and fellow deacons got all his time and all he gives me is dick during a very boring handful of minutes when he sees fit.
I was so tired of my routine that I wanted to jump out of the car and run into the night leaving all aspects of me behind, even my children.
“What’s the problem, Lynn?”
“Your ability to suck all fun and happiness out of this marriage.” I tried my best to speak quietly and hide my anger under the music that Jason and Jerrod were singing along to.
“Marriage is not all about that. This is real life, not some fairytale that you want to live out,” Travis told me.
“I just want your attention.”
“I’m here!”
“You are here physically, but you’re emotionless and you’ve been this way for years now. I’m tired. I feel like I simply exist in this marriage because I had children, not because you show me or tell me that you want me. I am not an arrangement, and I don’t like feeling like one.”
“What do you wanna do, Lynn? Go dancing? Drinking? Have sex in strange places and do kinky stuff? That’s not of God.”
“And neither is the way I feel about this marriage.”
He looked at me like I just spit at the pulpit, but I had had enough. The authority of the church had overshadowed my importance, and I was tired of being ignored. Travis refused to meet a fair medium between respecting God and keeping his wife happy.
I was all too excited when my cell began to vibrate. I needed something, anything, to put my attentions on other than my dissatisfaction with breathing the same air as Travis.
I could barely hide the excitement when I saw that I had received a text message from “Samantha”, the code name that I saved Ray’s number under. As I read his message that said, “Thinking of my baby. Can’t wait to see you,” I fought the sensation to get moist and longed for the moment that I could run out of this car and into a safe place to sneak and talk to my comfort zone.
VICTORIA
I just so happened to be checking the locks on my doors before going to bed when I noticed Lynn’s Charger running in front of my house.
I called her immediately.
She quickly answered as if I scared her.
“Hello.”
“Hey, girl. How long have you been sitting out there?”
“About fifteen minutes.”
“Why? Did I not hear the bell or something?”
Then Lynn sighed and said, “I’m not here to see yo
u.”
My silence spoke volumes, or so I hoped.
“Ray will be here in a few minutes. I’m leaving my car in front of your house for a while,” she explained.
I warned her, “Lynn, it’s almost eleven o’clock.”
I knew that Lynn was an adult and could be out at whatever time she wanted to. My issue was how she would explain being out this late to Travis.
“I know. Ray just wanted to see me. I won’t be long.”
I rolled my eyes in the back of my head at the sound of her vulnerability. She was becoming so careless that it was starting to look pathetic. I am not one to judge, but I cannot help but to disapprove of this relationship between her and Ray seeing it as though, just recently, my man was doing the same thing to me because he was too weak to just leave.
TEN
Sunday, July 26, 2009
VICTORIA
Today was the church’s ten-year anniversary, so the sanctuary was packed; Taij included.
Since today is the church’s anniversary, we have a special service lined up that includes the praise team from Faith Is LoveChurch and their pastor as our guest speaker.
This morning I found out that I was the emcee for the service. The original emcee, Sherrie, came down with a bad case of the flu over the weekend so was unable to come to church.
After the praise team performed three powerful songs of praise and worship, the congregation was rocking with anointing and praise. As I approached the pulpit to announce the guest speaker, praise continued to shake the walls of the church’s foundation. However, Travis signaled for me to announce the speaker anyway considering the tight schedule that the service was on.
I praised along with the congregation and began to read from my cue card. “Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus! As you all continue to praise, I’d like you to give a warm welcome to the awesome and powerful shepherd of Faith is Love Church who will anoint us with a word today; Bishop Jesse Brown!”
Good Girls Ain't No Fun Boxed Set (The SIX romance and urban fiction volumes of the LOVE, SEX, LIES series) Page 29