Smith opened the door with caution. He looked tired and stressed.
“Can I talk to you, please?”
Caringly, he told me, “You don’t have to say please.” Then he opened the door further and allowed me into his home.
I felt funny being there. I hadn’t been there in weeks. Though he had yet to ask me for my copy of his key back, his current attitude had pretty much let me know that it was over between us and that I was no longer welcome to freely use it.
As we sat on the couch next to one another in his living room, I looked around and noticed boxes and things missing from the walls and around the living room.
He was really moving.
Smith noticed me looking at the boxes lined along the walls. “Come with me.”
“I can’t. You know I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Smith, why are you being so insensitive? You know that my sister is in jail. I’m not even considering moving out of this state until I am sure that my sister is safe. In addition to that, you haven’t even given me a reason for why you’re jumping up and moving. Why should I leave with you without any security?”
Smith simply looked at me as if he had no justification or answers for me.
My head was spinning with pain and I felt nauseous. I was convinced that my blood pressure was up. “I didn’t come over here to argue with you, Smith. I need your help. They granted Star bail this morning and its $50,000. Can you help?”
He hesitated. It was taking him too long to answer, so I tried begging. “She can’t sit in there any longer. That guy who got murdered, his sister is in the county with Star, and she is threatening to kill Star. She already beat the shit out of her. You should see Star’s face!” Just the thought of it brought tears to my eyes again. “Please help my sister.”
With more hesitation, he told me, “Babe, I don’t have that kind of money.”
All tears stopped then. My anxiety was replaced with curiosity. “You don’t have any money?”
He simply shook his head as he said, “My money is tied up right now. I don’t have that kind of money to spare.”
Then I was truly convinced that something was going on. What did he mean he didn’t have any money? He owned businesses and property. Over the past seven months he willingly paid my mortgage a few times and bought random gifts for Ariana and me. He had money. How much, I never knew exactly, but I knew that he had some.
Fifteen
Friday, March 26, 2010
TRICEY
The next morning Lyric and I had breakfast together.
We both sounded like shit when she called to check on me, so, before heading into work, we met at truck stop for some good ol’ down home breakfast food.
“So what’s the T, girl?”
I laughed as I ate my western omelet. Lyric was sounding more and more like Cory every day. “So, Star’s hearing was yesterday. She got bail, but its $500,000.”
“Damn!”
“I know, right? But with the charges she’s facing, she was lucky to get bail.”
“What the hell is up with this murder charge? Did she really have anything to do with the murder, or are they just associating her with it because she was there and ran?”
“Well, when I talked to Jean about it she said that Star is being charged because of her link to DeShawn and the guys that robbed him.”
“What link?” Lyric looked as confused as I did when I first heard the details.
“Well, Star flat out told me that she was involved. She said that she set DeShawn up to be robbed. She acted like she liked him to get into his house and learn his stash spots. Then she told Benz and Scoop where the stash spots were. But when they robbed DeShawn, his friend got killed in the process. Star said they rushed the job.”
Lyric looked stuck. “What the hell is she doing in some shit like that?!”
“Exactly! I couldn’t get too far into it because she was telling me all of this when I visited her. Since I only knew of the drug charges, I had to call her attorney and tell her about the murder. Of course, she had already found out about it when she started working Star’s case and thought that I already knew. She couldn’t tell me the privileged information, but she did say that the police records show Star’s relationship with Benz and Scoop because of an open investigation on Benz and Scoop for other robberies that they are linked to. There aren’t taped conversations, but they do have photos of Star with Benz and Scoop.”
“How did they tie Benz and Scoop to the murder?”
“DeShawn insists that Star had to have something to do with it. I guess because he had never been robbed before, and it was too coincidental that he would suddenly get robbed once he met Star- plus the fact that she ran when it happened. The police were able to get her phone records. Benz and Scoop were her most frequent calls around the time of the robbery. After that, they did a background check on them, saw the numerous robbery charges and open investigation, and just put two and two together.”
“Those things can be proven to be a coincidence.”
“I hope so.”
Lyric sighed dramatically and shook her head while sipping her orange juice. “What the hell was Star thinking?!”
“Girl, I don’t know. I don’t care right now. I just want to get her out of there.”
“Well, can’t Smith give you the money?”
“He said he doesn’t have any.”
Lyric dropped her fork in her plate. “Bullshit!”
“I know, right?! But that is what he told me.”
“Where did his money go?”
“Exactly! Girl, when he told me that, I had no words for him. I got up and left. He is lying. He has the money. He’s been paid for years. Smith, Blood, and Shon had money stashed away all over this city. He is lying, and the fact that he would lie when I need it the most only lets me know that there is really something going on that he doesn’t want to tell me.”
“What do you think it is? Do you still think it’s another woman?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know, and, honestly, I don’t care. I can’t care at this point. I need to focus on helping my sister.” Then I decided to change the subject. I needed a mental break, even if it was only temporary. “So, how was James’ birthday celebration?”
Lyric looked at me reluctantly and actually lowered her head in shame.
“Oh, Jesus. What happened?”
“Girl,” she said as she sighed and sadly shook her head. “It’s a mess.”
“What? Tell me,” I insisted.
“I was all excited about hanging out with him for the first time on his birthday, and he asks me if I would hang out with him…. and Raven.”
“The fuck?!”
“I know, girl. I was so disappointed. So anyway, I of course said no, and just the two of us hung out. During dinner, it was obvious that something was going on, so I flat out asked him what’s up with the two of them.”
“And?”
“They are sleeping together.”
My only response was to look at Lyric sympathetically. As a mainstream person, it was hard for me to advise her on lifestyle matters. We thought so differently about where the lines of respect were in a relationship.
“I was so hurt that he lied to me, but, I felt like such a hypocrite.”
“Why would you feel like a hypocrite?”
Lyric glanced aimlessly out of the window as she spoke. It was as if she was talking to herself, reasoning with her self-conscience. “Because I was chastising him for being someone that I am. I have cheated on every boyfriend that I have had. I have been a partner in someone else’s adultery. I know where his actions come from, so who am I to be hurt by them?”
Again, I didn’t say anything because her thoughts were coming from a place that my mind has never been.
“And he is so upfront about his feelings for her that it’s mind blowing.”
“His feelings for her?”
Lyric nodded with sadness. “Yeah. He
likes her. He loves me, but he likes her and wants me to accept her. He claims that he doesn’t want random flings. He needs to be comfortable with who he is playing with. In so many words, he is telling me that he wants to date her.”
“So basically he wants two girlfriends, and he is trying to wean you in.”
“Basically.”
STAR
“Star, I need you to tell me everything that you have been doing with Benz and Scoop, and I mean everything.”
I was reluctant to talk to Jean. I didn’t want anyone knowing the things that I had done. I felt bad enough. Just repeating them, especially to someone as impressive as Jean, made me feel even worse.
For the past couple of days, I have been really trying not to lose my faith. As each day ended and a new one began, it became more and more obvious that I was not getting out of jail.
I sat at the table in the visiting room staring at the depressing gloomy grey block walls and wondering how long I was going to be looking at them.
“Star, you have to talk to me. I can’t have any surprises coming up in this trial. The district attorney is going to dig up every piece of incriminating evidence in your background to bring against you, even things that don’t have anything to do with this case. I need to know every time that you have broken the law, even if the police don’t know about it, so that I can defend you to the best of my ability.”
I couldn’t talk to Jean. She reminded me of my mother. She was an older, brown-skinned full-figured woman, and often during her visits, she spoke about God and having faith; things that I knew my mother would tell me if we were speaking.
Telling Jean my wrongdoing was like making those confessions to my mother, and I would rather sit in jail then disgrace my mother with that truth.
When I continued to sit in silence, refusing to open up to her, Jean sighed heavily in frustration. “Do you want to be in jail for the rest of your life? Roxie, Benz, and Scoop are gone. Their houses are completely empty. There is no sign of them in this state whatsoever.” My heart began to beat rapidly as more fear and anxiety entered my body. “If you don’t tell me everything so that I can defend you properly, all of this is going to fall on you.”
Chills ran through me. Though I was sitting in there alone, I thought that eventually Roxie, Benz, and Scoop would be caught and arrested so that the truth would finally come out. I felt so used, tricked, and set up by my own stupidity.
So, I swallowed my embarrassment and was totally honest. I told Jean everything. I told her about the credit card scams. I told her about the escorting. I told her about when I set up Darnell. I told her every detail of DeShawn’s robbery, even the fact that I was starting to like him, so didn’t want to do it, but Benz forced it since he obviously owed someone some money.
With every detail, Jean would sigh, shake her head, or give me the same disappointed look that I am sure my mother was giving me miles away.
When I was done, all I wanted was the same honesty in return. “Tell me the truth. Am I going to serve time for this?”
Jean sighed and shook her head. “Me and my team can figure something out.”
“But will I serve time? One or two years? Six years?” As I spoke, Jean continued to look at me reluctantly, making me more uneasy and anxious. “Fifteen? Twenty?”
“Star, honestly, this is bad. Your options don’t look good at this point.”
This couldn’t have been real.
I felt like I was literally living a nightmare and would eventually wake up in my mother’s house with Jordan beside me.
Yet, I was convinced that that was never again going to be my existence. I was going to be locked up for rest of my life.
Though Jean attempted to convince me that I had slim chances, I didn’t care about the possibilities. My stupidity had lead to someone’s murder. I killed someone. Even if by some miracle the judge set me free, my heart was still in a prison of guilt because I knew that I allowed motherfuckers, who didn’t even give a fuck about me, to convince me to go against my will. Benz, Scoop, and Roxie were gone. They used me to get ahead and left me in this prison to serve their time.
I laid in my cell and feared God’s wrath. I wanted to pray for mercy that I didn’t deserve. I didn’t pray for mercy while I was sucking and fucking for dollars. I didn’t pray for mercy as I laughed my way down the street while Benz and Scoop took another man’s money after I set him up. I didn’t pray for mercy as I lay beside DeShawn waiting on Benz and Scoop to kill his best friend. I didn’t care about God’s mercy then, so who was I to ask Him to spare me now?
I’d turned my back on what my mother taught me years ago. I turned my nose up at faith in God. Instead of having faith in God to provide for my child, I had faith in the streets to take care of him. In return, the streets turned on me.
It was over for me. I was definitely going to face real time, and any time locked up away from my child and my mother’s forgiveness was going to kill me- literally.
Sixteen
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
STAR
On Tuesday, I was let out of disciplinary segregation.
It was early in the morning when they escorted me back to my cell. When I walked in, Tammy was getting ready to eat breakfast.
“Hey, Mami!”
I met her happiness with obvious frustration. For the past two days, I had been sitting in my own misery. When I woke up that particular morning, I realized that since it was obvious that I would have to serve time, I might as well get used to it and act accordingly.
“What’s wrong, ma?” Tammy sat next to me and put her arm around me. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
“Yea, me too.”
Then Tammy looked at my bruises, which were finally beginning to heal, and reluctantly gazed at me. “I gotta tell you something.”
Immediately, I rolled my eyes. Nothing this chick had to tell me was going to be good.
“I heard Gigi’s been talking mad shit about getting you before she gets out of here. She had her sentencing yesterday. They are shipping her out of here in a few days. She got thirty years at Alger in Michigan, so she don’t give a fuck about much right now.”
When they let me out of disciplinary segregation this morning, I knew they were probably letting Gigi out too, which meant that my level of safety and comfort had shrunk to nothing. Yet, I was glad to hear that I would at least be able to stop watching my back for her after a few days.
“Are you warning me?”
Hesitantly, Tammy looked at me. “Yea, I am. I want you to be careful. That girl is pissed. She is convinced that you got her brother killed. Just be careful for the next few days and you’re good.”
I wasn’t going to be good in the next few days. Whether Gigi was there or not, there was always going to be somebody fucking with me. Nothing about my stay in jail was going to be “good.”
“I’m hungry.” I chose not to talk about it anymore. There was no point. Either Gigi or whoever was going to want to whoop my ass, rape me, or taunt me. I was going to have to learn to defend myself or be killed.
“Sure,” Tammy told me in a comforting way. “Let’s go eat.”
As we walked out of the cell, it was obvious that Tammy sympathized with me. She knew the potential for danger far more than I did, so she seriously feared for my safety. She looked as worried and anxious as I did, prior to giving up this morning.
I honestly didn’t give a fuck anymore. I was going to be in jail. No matter what plan Jean came up with, I was definitely going to serve time, so it was time for me to start giving less than a fuck.
However, Tammy was obviously up in arms about my potential threat.
“Tammy, chill out,” I told her as we went through the buffet line. “You act like you are the one that got your ass whooped.”
“I’m sorry, honey,” she told me as she rubbed my back. “I can’t help it. You’re such a baby. I feel like I should look out for you.”
I appreciated her gesture, but it didn’t do mu
ch for my situation. When push came to shove, I was going to be the only one defending me.
Breakfast was nothing but a box of nasty ass cheerios, milk, and a piece of fruit. I opted for the milk and a banana and followed Tammy to one of the tables to watch her eat. I had lost so much weight since I got locked up. When the time came to eat, I either had no appetite or didn’t want to eat what I was given, so I mostly ate fruit and drank juice, milk, or water.
It hurt my heart to think that these would be my choices for the rest of my life; nasty food, a hard bed, and watching my back twenty-four-seven. I wondered what would happen to me next: whether I would soon be in another fight or be approached by one of these broads to give up some pussy.
As I sat consumed in my thoughts and barely listening to Tammy tell me about a conversation she had with her kids yesterday, someone sat close to me – too close. She sat so close to me that I couldn’t turn my head to see who it was for fear of our faces brushing against one another’s. However, I soon recognized her voice as she spoke quietly into my ear.
“Before I get out of here, I’mma find a way to get yo’ ass.” Gigi spoke very quietly, not to draw too much attention. As she spoke threats and obscenities into my ear, I looked around and saw how the guards weren’t paying attention. I realized how close this chick could get to me before anyone noticed.
“I been waiting to get my hands on the bitch that killed my brother. You think that first ass whoopin’ was something-wait until you feel this shit I got for you. They ain’t give me thirty years because I play games, bitch. Know that.”
Tammy sat across from me turning every shade of pink and red. Gigi was being so quiet that others didn’t even notice the confrontation.
“I promise you, bitch. I ain’t done wit’ you. Since my brother is dead and I’ll most likely die in jail, I might as well take you with us.”
Good Girls Ain't No Fun Boxed Set (The SIX romance and urban fiction volumes of the LOVE, SEX, LIES series) Page 51