“Stranger my ass. Why haven’t I heard from you?”
Derrick called me a few times since I left his home early Saturday morning. Unfortunately, he was calling while I was at the hospital with Vince and earlier today when I wasn’t in the mood to talk.
“You just fucked me, never called me, and you’re ignoring my calls- just like a nigga.” I giggled along with Derrick’s humor as he continued to be just as sexually aggressive as he was Friday night. “I need to see you. You miss me, don’t you?”
”Of course, I do.”
“Well, let’s make this happen.”
“What time are coming over then?”
With one vice or another, I was determined for this day to end on a happy note.
TRICEY
I sat on Amiel’s couch feeling so awkward.
I had been in his home for about two hours now.
As he played with Ariana in the middle of the floor, he looked as happy as a sissy with a bag of dicks.
Obviously, I couldn’t allow Amiel to take Ariana on his own yet, so I had to sit there and act like I wanted to be there.
I wanted Amiel to see his daughter, but I was uncomfortable with how he was treating me, so it was making being in his presence so difficult.
When I wanted to be mad, distant, and angry with Amiel, he was still the same kind, sweet, and caring man that he was to me when we were together; just minus the wife.
I appreciated his passion to be in Ariana’s life, so I attempted to sit through the awkwardness to allow my daughter to have what I never did.
My mother left my father when Star was just a baby. He and my mother were together, but were never married. He never even lived with us. I don’t know why my mother left him, but, afterwards, it was like because he couldn’t have her, he didn’t want his children either. Therefore, as the months went by after their split, my father’s visits eventually became so far and in-between that they ceased. I don’t remember much about him, nor does my mother ever mention him. I also have no interest in locating him.
Now that I am older, I realize that my mother and father’s relationship could have been a lot less official than I assumed as a child. Now that I know how relationships can really go, there is no telling what the true facets of their relationship was, especially since he so easily disowned me and Star.
Although I never miss or yearn for my father, I always wanted to give my daughter something better. So, I felt it necessary to suffer through this discomfort for her.
“So how have you been doing, Tricey?”
Amiel sounded so sincere and interested. My mind wanted to tell him that it was none of his gawd damn business, but my heart wanted to share everything with him. There was a comfortable feeling between me and Amiel that was never present between me and Blood. Blood and I were close because of our history together, but it felt forced and like something that I had to maintain.
There was something natural and instant between Amiel and I that I couldn’t deny.
There was chemistry still evident between he and I that I had to ignore, which meant keeping my distance.
“I’ve been okay,” was my simple reply.
He looked at me with a smile that always took my breath away. When he continued to look at me, daring me to break eye contact with him, I felt uncomfortable and started to fidget.
“Why are you being so short with me?”
I looked at him as if he were being silly. “We haven’t spoken in years, what am I suppose to say to you?”
“I know that we haven’t spoken. Believe me, I do,” he said with a sarcastic chuckle. “But you sitting there like you don’t even know me. How long are you going to be mad at me?”
“I’m not mad at you.”
Luckily, Ariana walked towards me, crawled onto the couch and into my lap. As she began to kiss my face and laugh, it gave me something to focus on besides Amiel looking at me like he would give anything for me to just simply forgive him.
“Yes, you are,” he told me as he stood. Then he surprisingly sat beside me and put his arm around me. “Tricey, I never wanted to hurt you.”
It was so awkward being that close to him; awkward because, despite how he hurt me, being in his space didn’t scare or offend me. I knew that it shouldn’t, but being in his space still felt so natural to me.
I scooted away from him to make space between us. Yet, he continued to apologize and explain himself. “I’m so sorry for the choices that I made, but I swear I always loved you. I still do…”
“Amiel, I don’t even want to go there, okay?”
With pleading eyes, he reached for me and I scooted further away from him again.
“But we need to talk about it.”
“No, we don’t,” I insisted.
“Why not? It doesn’t matter to you? You don’t miss us?”
I was standing up without even thinking about it. My heart knew that it was time to go before my mind could even comprehend it.
“I just don’t want to have this conversation. I’m leaving.” Then I began to gather Ariana’s things without even looking Amiel in his eyes.
I didn’t feel that the woulda, shoulda, coulda’s were necessary at this point. Our lives were different now. Although I still felt the pain, I no longer wished for him to cure it.
I just wanted to get over it.
He didn’t say anything else as I packed Ariana’s bag. I caught him looking at me longingly as I did so. He wanted me to be the Tricey towards him that I use to be, not this cold bitch that no longer held her breath until he called or showed up.
I didn’t even ask him to open the door. I unlocked it myself as I held Ariana’s hand. “Call me when you want to see her again.” Then I walked out of the door without waiting on him to respond.
I actually hoped that I would never get that call.
On the way to the car, I was beating myself up about even starting this rollercoaster. I wanted to do what was right, but being around Amiel led to the unveiling of feelings that were just easier to ignore. I was actually embarrassed that I still hurt from what happened to me and Amiel. I wondered why I even cared, knowing that I moved on more than once to men who had no problem choosing me.
Just as I started my car, my cell phone rang and reflected Blood’s number, scaring the shit out of me. Though it was impossible for him to know where I was, the simple fact that he was calling at this moment put so much fear in me.
However, I answered the phone as if I wasn’t presently deceiving him. “Hey, baby.”
“Hey you. What you doin’?”
“On my way home. What are you up to?”
“At home. Kinda heated, though.”
“Why? What’s wrong?”
My heart began to beat a mile a minute. Suddenly, I thought that maybe he could know where I was. Blood had many henchmen who would have been too happy to follow me around town on Blood’s dollar.
“Somebody’s stealing.”
It made me feel a little bit better that I wasn’t caught up, but the stress was still present. I was not willing to deal with drama from Blood and any of his people. Drama with regular people was funny and entertaining. Drama with Blood and his people lead to somebody getting killed, and I wasn’t down for that shit.
“Stealing from where? The spot on the West Side?”
“No. Here.”
“I thought I told you not to have any weight in the house, Blood!”
“Calm down. It wasn’t any weight. It was just a little. It’s only a couple ounces missing.”
“A couple ounces? Considering the weight that your people work with, a couple ounces isn’t worth stealing. Maybe your count is just off.”
“My count is never off.”
Twelve
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
VICTORIA
With sweat dripping from my brow, I leaned over, hovering above the line that I formed perfectly. Then I inhaled slowly and tried not to sneeze as a result of the burning sensation.
I could barely catch my breath as I looked into the mirror and cleaned my face, wiping coke from my nose and sweat from my forehead.
It was three in the morning.
Derrick was in my bedroom waiting for me to finish my “peepee break”. Though Derrick knows that I get high, I was still too ashamed to actually do it in front of him.
Surprisingly, Derrick called me a few hours ago wanting to come over for round three. I didn’t decline, because Monday night with him left me wanting so much more.
I literally was skipping out of the bathroom. I laughed at my own giddiness as I entered the bedroom. Derrick met me in the middle of the floor; body still sweating, dick still hard and ready.
I smiled at him as we glided towards one another. He returned my smile with a sex-filled grin.
Upon reach, he surprisingly spun me around and bent me over the dresser. With no preparation or notification, he held on to my waist and dove inside of me. I still had the house to myself, so I was able to freely sing to Derrick in my sexual song of applause.
Once again, my every sensation was magnified. It was so true that cocaine heightened your sexual experience. It was excessively intense and enormously pleasurable.
I begged for more while not even knowing if I was able to take much more. And Derrick knew this, so he played it up at every possibility; playing with my clitoris while he fucked me from behind, lifting my leg on top of the dresser so that he could dig deeper, and grabbing me by the neck to put my ear to his mouth.
“Look at you,” he whispered with a giggle. “Look at your face.” Then Derrick used his hand on my neck to force me to look up and into my own eyes in the mirror. I smiled as I saw the satisfaction and bliss in my expression.
Continuing to supply me with deep and slow strokes, Derrick told me with a smile, “You look happy. You feel good? You like this dick?”
“I am happy,” I told him through moans. “I love it.”
I continued to look into my own eyes, happy at the woman that I saw. As Derrick continued to bestow so much immense pleasure upon my pussy, I saw a woman with a genuine and unconditional smile on her face. There was a light in my eyes that I hadn’t seen before.
I finally liked who and what I saw in the mirror.
While checking my voicemails on the way to work, I heard several messages from Vince’s sister, letting me know that Vince was awake and trying to get in touch with me.
I didn’t care. Initially, I had so much to say to Vince, but now, after Taij and Kim’s visit, I simply didn’t want anything to do with anyone who didn’t want anything to do with me.
My plan was to just visit his bedside out of respect. Therefore, I headed to the hospital rather than work; taking the morning off.
When I walked into Vince’s room, I expected to see a weak and exhausted Vince, but he looked fine- yet, annoyed.
I greeted him with a half-hearted hug. Even though I only hugged him because I felt like I should, Vince did not return the embrace.
Without even a hello, he began to go in on me. “My sister said that she’s been trying to call you all night, but your phone was going straight to voicemail. What were you doing?”
“Wow! Hi, Vince. How are you?”
He continued to look at me with annoyance as I sat down in the chair next to his bed. Luckily, he had no other visitors to witness him treating me like a child.
Vince’s condition wasn’t as bad as I assumed it would be. Despite the cast on his leg, there was a bandage on his head from the surgery and a few cuts and bruises on his face from the impact of the accident.
“What has been going on with you, Vic?”
I played dumb. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, why haven’t you been answering my calls?”
I wanted to be a smartass and tell him that I was ignoring his calls the same way that he so blatantly ignored mine when he dumped me for his “baby’s mama”, but for the sake of him currently being on the sick and shut in list, I kept my smartass comments to a minimum.
“I’ve just been busy, Vince. Besides, I was sure that you wanted to talk about the break up, and I didn’t want to, so I didn’t answer.”
Vince tsked and rolled his eyes as if my answer wasn’t good enough, but I didn’t care, so I changed the subject. “So how are you feeling?”
However, Vince changed the subject right back. “I know that I hurt your feelings, Vic, but this role you’re playing is unnecessary.”
With a cynical laugh, I asked, “What role?”
“This nonchalant role!”
“Vince, don’t you think that you should calm down? Your focus should be on getting better- not anything else.”
He muttered as he stared aimlessly at the television. “There you go again.”
“There I go again with what?!”
Vince ignored me, saying, “We should at least be able to be friends, Vic.”
That was it. I had had it. If Vince wanted to have this discussion, cool. I had a lot to say to him anyway. I would have liked to wait to a more appropriate setting, but fuck it.
“Why do you want to be friends with somebody who needs so much help? Isn’t that what you told me? That I need help? And where is your new girlfriend?! Shouldn’t you be worried about her being your friend instead of me?”
“See? If you would have answered my damn phone calls, you would know that I don’t even have a girlfriend. That situation didn’t work out.”
“Oh, so soon?” Then I laughed with sarcasm.
On the inside, I was jumping for joy. I don’t care how insecure or jealous it sounds, but I was so damn happy to hear him say that.
But I wasn’t going to let him see that.
“That shit was never going to work out,” Vince said with a frustrated sigh. “I was just trying some shit.”
“So fuck my feelings, huh?”
“Vic, you don’t have feelings!”
“Again, why do you want to be my friend so bad then?!”
“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!” Vince’s voice bounced off of the four walls of the room and entered the hallway. It seemingly echoed throughout the floor of the unit.
A nurse quickly stuck her head into the room and gave Vince a warning with a chastising look. He apologized and she closed the door.
“I love you, Vic,” he told me. “I just don’t feel like you love me back. I can’t get through this invisible wall that you have around you. I know that you want to be with me, but it’s very hard to be with somebody that is so disconnected and unwilling to let her guard down.”
“Well, excuse me, but until you’re fifteen and your father is trying to stick his dick in you, you can’t tell me how my personality should be!”
Vince cringed as if the words hurt, as if he had actually forgotten the major source of most of my pain.
I was standing up to leave at this point. This conversation was redundant and I was tired of listening to myself have it.
As I stood, Vince attempted to speak, but I cut him off. “Vince, please…”
“Vic, don’t leave.” For once, he was speaking to me like the Vince that I knew before the break up; the Vince that loved and adored me. With a smile and a wink, he begged, “Please?”
My heart melted despite my mind’s reluctance.
No matter how much Vince’s words hurt me a few weeks ago, I wanted to belong to someone, and belonging to Vince wasn’t so bad at all.
The sight of Taij and Kim walking into my house stalked every moment of my days, and I wanted so badly to have someone feel so instantly connected to me as Taij felt for Kim.
I desperately wanted to be somebody’s “Kim”.
STAR
I had been in the hole for two days.
It was driving me absolutely crazy.
When in the hole, a prisoner is stripped of all privileges, so I was stuck in that hellhole with little light and no access to anyone or anything. I was provided breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but I still lay on that cold ass floor on that har
d mat in complete starvation. I couldn’t eat what they gave me because I was too scared of getting sick inside the hole. I couldn’t gamble with the guard outside hearing my constant regurgitation and taking me to the doctor in result. I wouldn’t be able to explain how I got or who got me pregnant without adding more years to my sentence.
I would have rather died in that prison than knowingly given myself more time over a piece of dick.
While in the hole, I finally realized the extreme severity of my situation. I was pregnant by some crazy ass psycho guard. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I had to get rid of this baby without anyone knowing. I knew that however I got rid of it was going to be drastic since I couldn’t get a procedure or get the abortion pill without the prison officials being alerted.
I didn’t know how, but my mission was to figure that out as soon as I got out of the hole.
Thirteen
Friday, May 20, 2011
STAR
Friday morning, Malik let me out of the hole.
He was alone, and had I had the strength, I would have slapped the shit out of him. Yet, I couldn’t. I was so weak from starvation. It felt like I lost twenty pounds in the three days that I was in there.
The way that Malik ushered me out of the cell with such urgency and care was regurgitating in itself. I thought how crazy he must be for sticking me in there for damn near a week and then opening the cell and approaching me as if he wasn’t the one that aggressively through me in there with no explanation.
“Oh my God. Star, I am so sorry,” he replied as he attempted to hug me.
“Sorry?! You’re sorry?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
I was sure to keep my voice low as I barked and pulled away from him. While in the hole, I realized that no matter what, I was a prisoner and Malik was a person of authority. He could do with me whatsoever he desired and, obviously, there was nothing I could do about it.
“I thought you fucked Greg.”
When the words fell from his lips, I grew even angrier on the inside, but I was too weak to reflect that anger. I stood in front of Malik feeble, barely able to stand on my own, and sick to my stomach.
Good Girls Ain't No Fun Boxed Set (The SIX romance and urban fiction volumes of the LOVE, SEX, LIES series) Page 65