The longer I sat there and had random and uncomfortable conversation with them crack heads, the more I realized that those people were not going to give me what I felt like I was missing.
They couldn’t love me how I wanted to be loved; never could.
So, I finally called who could.
No matter James’ flaws and indiscretions, he knew how to love me when my own parents didn’t, and I was feeling as if the moment he fell short, I turned my back on him.
He quickly answered, “Hello”, and I honestly didn’t know what to say.
However, James filled the silence with his own interrogation and irritation. “Lyric, why haven’t you called me back? I’ve been blowing your phone up. What is…”
“Why haven’t you come home?” That is what I was most interested in. Though I had told him to never come back, I hadn’t changed the locks or moved, so he could have come home and fought for this.
But he never did.
“Because I know I fucked up, baby.” His words were sincere. I felt the strain and heard his tears well up, and I knew that what he was telling me was truth. Despite whatever he was doing with Raven, I knew he genuinely loved me.
I knew it.
“I know I fucked up, bad, and I just… I didn’t know what to do.”
James’ genuine hurt and tears triggered my own, and then I told him to meet me at home.
Fortunately and unfortunately, there were no words when I let him in the door. I was in such dire need for that man that I clung to him like a leach as soon as he was in arm’s length.
I wanted to know where he’d been living and with who. More importantly, I wanted to know the truth behind Raven’s subliminal messages. Yet, what was most important to me at that moment was that my man was in our home and missed and wanted me just as much as I missed and wanted him.
We didn’t even make it to the bedroom. We settled on the couch and couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. If our minds wanted to be mature and talk about this, our bodies didn’t.
“I miss you,” he told me as we kissed.
“I miss you too,” came pouring out of me simultaneously with an overflow happening in my panties.
James whispered, “I love you,” as his tongue kissed my neck, and “I missed you so much,” as he took off my top.
He slid my shorts and panties down around and over the curves of my hips and, with his face against mine, guided me down on the couch.
My heart skipped beats of joy to have him back with me… and not with her. For weeks I was sad with lose, with thoughts of me losing my man to someone that I literally gave him to.
To have him here with me gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, all was not lost.
His kisses were coupled with his penetration, and I swear to God, the familiar smell of the sweat on his skin soothed my heart.
His moans were animalistic, his touch was sensual, and his kisses were tender; as if he’d missed this just as much as I did. When I thought that he didn’t give a fuck about our love, he made love to me, telling me that this love was the only love that mattered.
We watched each other, looked into each other’s eyes, and with silence told one another that we loved each other and that this was where we wanted to be. I saw the ravenous need for this in his stare, and I know he saw it in mine.
I was willing to trade the rest of my life to be a hostage to his love.
He was my only, but I knew that he wouldn’t trade his desires and lifestyle for me to be his.
Fourteen
Friday, July 1, 2011
STAR
The fact that the State hadn’t initially called me to the stand made one thing clear; they’d proven their case.
They didn’t need me to incriminate myself, because they built enough evidence against me to successfully do that. I knew that, especially when Mr. Reed looked as if he’d shit his pants when the State rested their case without calling me to testify.
Yet, Mr. Reed had spent the last hour attempting to erase any of the State’s evidence from the jury’s mind before Monday, when final statements were given and the jury began to deliberate my verdict.
I felt so much pressure as he grilled me about who I was and asked me questions; which answers showed the jury my character. I couldn’t avoid my mother and Tricey’s eyes as I fought to say what Mr. Reed coached me to and what I knew was right.
However, the looks on the jury’s faces as Roxie testified left such a defeated feeling in my spirit since Tuesday. I couldn’t shake the feeling that the jury knew; they knew my involvement because it was clear. I knew of that robbery. I was involved. Despite how I felt for DeShawn and regardless of my doubts, I allowed greed and misguided loyalty to lead me to make the biggest mistake of my life and opening the door to ending somebody else’s life.
The jury knew that. The judge knew that. Hell, everyone in that courtroom knew that. So, I began to sweat in fear of looking like a manipulative liar when Mr. Reed began to drill me with questions regarding the series of events that led to Tim’s death.
“So, did you sincerely have feelings for DeShawn?”
I was already in tears as I answered Mr. Reed’s questions. But they began to flow constantly as he spoke of DeShawn. “Yes, I did. That wasn’t an act. I was his girlfriend, and I enjoyed being his girlfriend.”
“And though you were involved in certain schemes with Ms. Carr, was there ever a plot to kill someone?”
“Never. I wouldn’t have wanted any parts of murder. I’m not that type of person…”
“Objection,” the State replied sarcastically, as if she simply wanted to shut me the fuck up.
“Sustained.”
With a sigh of frustration that he attempted to mask, Mr. Reed told the judge. “The defense rest, Your Honor.”
When Mr. Reed began this case with excitement to succeed and fire in his eyes, at the end of it, he looked tired and, sadly, just as defeated as I felt, though he tried hard not to show it.
I shitted bricks when the State’s Attorney took the chance to cross-examine me. That meant that when initially they had nothing to prove, they had something to prove now, and I knew exactly what. She was about to ask me the burning question that Mr. Reed avoided, the big ass elephant in the room that was determining my fate.
“But did you know of the plot to rob DeShawn, Ms. Anderson?”
I could see everyone sitting on the edge of their seats. I could imagine Mr. Reed’s palms sweating. He’d told me to lie if ever asked this question; to say that I initially knew of a plan, but after insisting that I wanted no parts of it and, without giving any details of DeShawn’s home, I continued in my relationship with him thinking that the robbery plot was canceled.
Yet, that defeated residue in my stomach left over from Tuesday was boiling over. I looked in my mother’s eyes and saw her disappointment. She raised me differently than I had turned out, and since being imprisoned, I have always wanted to show her what an honest and moral person I could be.
Besides, the room knew. They knew my truth, and to lie would only make me look worse.
When I answered, “Yes,” burdens of pressure, guilt, and anxiety lifted from me. It made my heart light to no longer live under the pressure of living a lie, and, in response, I cried tears of relief. The room was so quiet with the shock of my confessed truth that I couldn’t even hear anyone moving or breathing.
All I could hear were my cries.
“The State rests, Your Honor.”
“Star, what the hell were you thinking?!”
Mr. Reed was fuming and I was mortified. The thought of being honest felt right before I said anything, but after the words left my lips and I saw that smirk on the State’s Attorney’s face, I knew that I had just dug myself a hole and buried myself in it.
Mr. Reed’s devastation and anxiety was further proof that I had just fucked up.
I was stumbling over my words as I attempted to answer him. “I just wanted to tell the truth. Roxie m
ade me look so bad when she testified. I didn’t want to lie anymore.”
I was in tears. Though I knew that I had just won this case for the prosecution, I admittedly still felt relief. I had been tired of living a lie and being forced to be someone that I wasn’t just to weasel out of jail time that I knew I deserved.
“Roxie’s testimony meant nothing!” I don’t think Mr. Reed believed that himself as he attempted to make me believe it.
“That jury ain’t stupid. They know that I knew about that robbery.”
“But Roxie admitted that the drugs were hers. She is a proven liar, and I could have argued the rest in my closing argument!”
With mounds of frustration and guilt, I stared out of the window. I could see the bus down below us, waiting to take prisoners back to the County after their court hearings.
I couldn’t wait to get back on that bus.
A knock on the door broke me out my trance. Mr. Reed quickly stopped chastising me to open the door. When he did and the State’s Attorney was on the other side, I didn’t know what to think.
However, apparently Mr. Reed did. As the State’s Attorney glided into the room with a smug look on her face, Mr. Reed closed the door and immediately stopped her in her tracks.
“No,” he told her. “We aren’t taking a deal.”
“You haven’t even heard what I have to offer.”
“It doesn’t matter. No deal.”
“Shouldn’t we let your client decide that for herself?”
I was numb as she sat across the table in front of me and Mr. Reed sat closely beside me, with his arm around me, protecting me like a father would.
“Star, honey, with the evidence against you, you are definitely looking at time; definitely more time than the deal that you had in the first place. We are prepared to offer you ten years with the possibility of parole in eight years. With time served, you will only serve seven years in prison.”
Mr. Reed looked at me threateningly, but he knew that seven years compared to the current fourteen more years that I was facing sounded like heaven.
If I took this deal, once I was out, I would still have a chance at raising my child, verses him being grown. I would still have some of my youth, being still in my twenties, verses being damn near forty. There would be more of a chance of my mother still being alive, verses the threat of her dying of old age before I get out of prison.
I went to part my lips to speak, but Mr. Reed immediately stepped in. “Your sister did not go through all of this just for you to take another deal.”
I couldn’t tell whether it was important to Mr. Reed that I was released or that he kept his winning image of getting people off.
“William, you are not going to win this case…”
To tune out Melissa, Mr. Reed turned towards me and looked me in my eyes. He silently begged me to be strong and fight with him. I couldn’t stand his stare. It was putting me under too much pressure, so I turned again and watched out of the window at the County bus waiting to take me back to a place that, though it wasn’t peaceful, was what I knew and a reality that I had long become accustom to accepting.
Getting back on that bus seven years lighter was a much better reality that I was all too prepared to accept.
“Star, we can win this,” I heard Mr. Reed say as I continued to gaze.
With a threatening laugh, Melissa told him, “You’ve already lost. She knew about the robbery. She planned the robbery along with convicted felons while admitting being involved in prostitution, which is also very legal. She admits to murdering GiGi…”
“That was in self defense, and I will argue that!”
Melissa smiled devilishly, “Self-defense is one stab wound, not over thirty.”
Giving up his fight with Melissa, Mr. Reed touched my arm to get my attention. I was still looking out of the window, at that bus, waiting for the hour that I was back on it.
I missed the simplicity of prison, verses the franticness of trial. I missed the order of prison, verses the chaos of waiting for twelve strangers to decide my fate.
“Star, think about your family and all they have gone through to get you this new opportunity. Don’t give up.”
“Think about the fact that if you lose, Star, you will be facing a minimum of thirty years and the judge will not be lenient.”
I couldn’t face them. I couldn’t even look in their eyes as I spoke. “No deal.”
Mr. Reed was right. My sister had gone through a lot; too much for me to give up so easily. And though Melissa was also right when saying that I had already been proven guilty, I would rather face more time than let my family down again.
LYRIC
It had been three days since me and James hooked up, and, besides fucking each other’s brains out all night, things really hadn’t changed.
He still hadn’t come back home, and that was bothering the hell out of me. Though I didn’t ask him to come back home, he didn’t ask if he could come back home either. It was like we were back being fuck buddies; a few calls here and there after having had sex.
We had been discussing what happened and our relationship in general, but there was no in-depth conversation because we both skated on thin ice around each other knowing that the stunt he pulled, and the way that I acted a clear fool in result of it, was still a touchy subject for both of us.
Yet, my mind was racing with anxiety. I wondered why he didn’t have the undying need to be back at home and why it was so easy for him to stay away.
Then, this morning, someone posted pics of a gathering that was held last night and in quite a few of the pics was Raven and James. Then it was crystal clear why there was hesitation with him returning home.
It was obviously that this man was stuck between two women, had been for a long time, but I just found out about it.
“Drink up, bitch. Looks like you need it.” Cory pushed a shot of Don Julio in front of me as he held his in the air. I met his glass with mine and, with a half-hearted “cheers”, downed those shots and ordered another round.
Cory came along with me to a Meet and Greet hosted by an online lifestyle social group that I am in. I thought being outside would help clear my mind. It was also a group of new people- not the normal circle that I run with – so I figured I wouldn’t bump into James or Raven, or anyone that reminded me of them.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. As Cory and I took another round of shots, I saw Bri, one of Raven’s closest friends, enter the bar. My heart beat so fast with anticipation of who might be coming through the door behind her; James, Raven, or James and Raven. Yet, there was nothing behind her but the closing door.
Surprisingly, when Bri saw my face, she looked relieved and came straight toward me. She fought through the tight crowd, saying hello to a few people along the way. I wondered what the hell she wanted and assumed that she was about to start some kind of verbal altercation since I went over her bestie’s house acting a fool and trying to whoop her ass. Considering the way that I was feeling, I was ready to whoop her ass too, if necessary.
However, she surprisingly was very nice when she approached me. “Hey, Lyric. I didn’t expect to see you here.”
Figures. Besides this being a group of different people, I had completely cut off ties with the lifestyle circle that I ran with. I needed a break and needed not to be around anyone that wanted to talk about Raven and James.
I simply told her, “Likewise,” and ordered yet another round of shots for me and Cory.
I had the feeling that I was going to need it.
“So what’s up? What do you have to say to me?” I wasn’t about to pussyfoot with this chick. It was obvious that, since she was standing here with this weird smile and inability to figure out what to say, she had a hell of a lot to get off her chest.
Nervously, she sighed, folded her arms, and adjusted her weight from one foot to the next. “I need to talk to you about Raven.”
Cory, who was standing closely behind me, let out a “Mmmm u
mph”.
“Look, if Raven got some shit to say to me, she can. She knows my number. It’s not a discussion that I should have with you,” I told her.
I didn’t need Raven’s friend to fight Raven’s battles. I wanted Raven to confront me like a woman, just as I was bold enough to confront her; not send me subliminal gut punches over cyberspace.
“Raven doesn’t have anything to say you. That’s her motherfuckin’ problem,” Bri replied with a roll of her eyes. Yet, the disgust in her expression wasn’t for me. It was obviously for Raven.
“I know she made it seem like me and her were best friends, and for a long time we were, but, for the past couple of months, I have seen her do some messy and scandalous shit that I just don’t like. She is a liar and a manipulator, and, as far as James is concerned, I don’t think you should base any decisions regarding your relationship with him off of the things that she attempts to imply or the things she flat out says, because she is a liar.”
Now my heart was beating with relief. I hung onto Bri’s every word and waited to hear more, while Cory clung to my shoulder doing the same.
“I swear, I am not just talking about her because I am obviously not her friend anymore. I just don’t like the games that she tries to play, especially when it comes to matters between two committed people, such as you and James. The bitch is scandalous- plain and fucking simple. She knows what her role really is, but she is trying desperately to be James’ main woman, while he is making it, and has always made it, clear that his relationship with Raven is only sexual. She has always gone over and beyond to chase James and do whatever she can to get his attention, but he always made it clear that you came first.” Bri continued, and I swallowed every word whole, finally able to hear the truth about a situation that had been killing me with worry for a year. “Girl, I spent every day with that chick, so I know her like the back of my hand. Plus, she told me everything. And she had no problem telling me how bad she wanted James to be her man and that she was willing to do anything to get him. Now, mind you, I knew it was wrong, but she was my friend, so I had a loyalty to her to mind my own business, but I swear I have always wanted to tell you, because, best friend or not, she is foul.”
Good Girls Ain't No Fun Boxed Set (The SIX romance and urban fiction volumes of the LOVE, SEX, LIES series) Page 80