I just continued to sit and listen. I had no response because I didn’t know how to take what she was saying. Sure, Raven being manipulative is a further reason to put my hands on her, but she wouldn’t be successful at it had my man not been so easily manipulated.
Raven wouldn’t be able to brag about my man being with her if his ass really wasn’t over there, whether for sex or more, as Raven claims.
However, Bri continued to plead her case, seemingly in order to prevent from looking like some crazy person that is now talking about her best friend like a dog. “One night, she was over my house. She thought she was pregnant. I asked her by who and she said James. She was nervous as hell, so I took her to Walgreens to grab a few tests. We got back and she went into the bathroom. When it was taking her too long, I went to the bathroom to check on her. The door was cracked, so I was able to see her sitting on the toilet with her head in her hands. Then she threw the pregnancy test. Since she was obviously so upset, I walked away and just waited for her to come out. A few minutes later, she comes out with this half-ass smile and says that the test came back negative.”
“But she threw the test,” I said.
“Right. I thought that she threw it because the test came back positive and she was mad. But she threw it and was upset because she wasn’t pregnant.”
“Ooooooo, that bitch,” Cory murmured behind me.
When initially this conversation relieved me, it was now confirming things for me.
This was the exact reason why I was upset. I knew that I had handed my man over to Raven on a silver platter; allowing them to have this sexual relationship. Yet, no matter the fairy tale Raven was living in, she wouldn’t be able to live it had my man not been there to live it with her.
TRICEY
Wednesday night, while coming out of one of the spots on the Westside, Devin was shot at from a blacked out Cadillac that was passing by.
Luckily, Devin wasn’t hit, but it was apparent that someone was out to take down Blood’s camp, and they were starting with his right-hand man.
Since then, Blood has laid even lower, basically only leaving out of the house to run the most necessary errands, and that’s only if I couldn’t.
Though Derrick had disappeared ever since Vic accused him of being the police, after these two shootings, I was scared of two things; the police taking Blood down or someone killing him. I had always had those worries, but, in the past, it was only superficial worries. Since I’ve known him, there have only been one or two times that I was seriously worried for his freedom and his safety.
This was the third.
Apparently, Blood felt the same. Therefore, we had been forced to spend more time together than we had since my incident in front of the house with Amiel. Having spent much more personal time with Blood, mixed with the devastation of Star’s testimony and the anxiety of the jury’s verdict, Blood was no longer treating me like the disloyal woman that lied to him and more like his partner who always had his back. Things weren’t one-hundred percent back to normal between he and I, but it was getting there and I appreciated it.
“Babe, what you doin’?” As I spoke, I tiptoed into the office; “our” computer room that had quickly been converted into Blood’s office.
He was sitting behind the desk in the dimly lit room with the computer monitor reflecting off of his vanilla coated face. He was so sexy to me. In contrast to other men who I might find physically attractive, coupled with an attractive face, it was Blood’s rugged demeanor, and the fact that this was the face of the man that took such good care of me and mine, that made him undeniably sexy.
“Nothing much. Thinking. Come here.”
I obliged before he could complete his sentence. Bare foot and dressed in a pair of shorts and a cami, I walked across the room towards him, carrying a drink that I was bringing to him, and, surprisingly, he watched me along the way.
Relief lifted from my shoulders as I realized that I was finally getting my baby back. I thanked God for the chance to rekindle this love and promised to never ever mess it up again.
When I reached him, Blood took his drink from my hands and sat me down on his lap. He wrapped his arms tightly around my waist and buried his face in my back. Though I knew that my man was stressed beyond belief, it felt good to have him lean on me again.
“Would you quit your job if I need you to?”
His question pierced the silence in the room with curiosity. “Quit? Why? What’s wrong?”
I never needed to work, but I continued to just because I didn’t want to be bored all day and stuck with Ariana twenty-four seven. Work gave me something to do. However, the fact that Blood was actually considering asking me to quit puzzled me.
“Thinking about quitting the game. I want to focus on my legal hustles and start a few more new ones. I’m going to need all of your college degrees to help me run this shit.”
Though Blood kinda giggled at his own joke, I was perplexed by all of this and didn’t hide it. “You’re thinking about quitting?”
I was shocked. There had been times that I wished that Blood was legally this paid. That way, there wouldn’t be this cloud of potential hurt, harm, and danger over him, and even me, at all times. Yet, I knew exactly who he was when I decided to be with him, so I never once forced him to change and just simply stayed prayed up for the sake of his life, mine, and my daughter’s.
“Yeah,” he answered with a heavy sigh. “Shit is just getting too thick. Don’t know who to trust…”
“Are you talking about Devin getting shot at and the robbery?”
“That; amongst other things.”
“Is it that serious that you’re worried about it?”
“No,” he answered while kissing my shoulder. But I knew that he was lying. “I’m just tired of being on pins and needles all the time.”
“Did you find out the truth behind Derrick? Was he really the police?”
There was silence, so much silence that I could clearly here the Dora the Explora song that Ariana was singing as she watched television in her room.
Finally, Blood answered, “I took care of it.”
Then I realized that, rather than Derrick disappearing on his own, Blood and Devin could have made him disappear themselves.
“So would you? Would you quit?”
“Of course I would, baby. No question.”
An hour or two later, Ariana was in the bed, Blood was in the shower, and I was in the room preparing the atmosphere for good Friday night laying up all night sex. Blood and I hadn’t slept together in weeks and finally, after sitting in his office talking about his future as a legal man, he told me to get in the bed and wait for him to come show me how much he loves me.
Me and my twat were two happy campers.
I lay in the bed listening to slow jams flow from the speakers as they played on the flat screen television on the “slow jamz” channel and impatiently waited on my man to emerge his sexy ass from that bathroom.
A month or so ago, sex with him was a chore. Yet, these past few weeks had taught me a lesson and whooped my behind back into submission and appreciation of him.
My mouth watered for him.
My pussy leaked for him.
Then my cell phone wrong and all holes dried up completely.
It was Amiel and I was totally sick of his whining and bitching. Ever since our last argument, when he spazzed out with that bullshit about me belonging with him, our every interaction had been an argument.
I knew that this call was coming since I hadn’t dropped Ariana off like I was supposed to. But Blood requested a family night alone in the house, and his wish was granted since I was currently high ranking on the Kissing Blood’s Ass list.
This nut wasn’t about to ruined my night of sex, so I answered to attempt to quickly smooth things over before Blood was done with his shower.
I answered saying, “I will drop her off first thing in the morning, Amiel.”
And like a spoiled little brat th
at wasn’t getting his way, he fired right back. “Why can’t you bring her tonight?”
“Its ten o’clock. She’s sleep, so what would be the difference?”
“You were supposed to bring her at seven.”
“Amiel, I will bring her in the morning.” I was trying to speak calmly and rationally, but there was no rationalizing with this dude.
“You so full of shit.”
I gave in, not wanting to argue with him. “Okay, Amiel.”
“It’s cool. I’ll have the court settle this shit.”
At that, I threw rationalizing out of the window. “Then do it and stop threatening me. But the court can’t settle the fact that you mad that I don’t want to be with you, and that’s the only reason why you’re bitching….”
His offense interrupted me. “Bitching?!”
“Yes, bitching! I wonder if you would be so obsessed with having your time with Ariana if it was like a few years ago when you didn’t want me because you had a wife.”
“I left my wife for you!”
“The fuck you did! That’s a damn lie!”
“Tricey, I didn’t have to divorce her. I could have stayed with her. I did that to show you how serious I was about being with you.”
I laughed sarcastically. “You have to be kidding me.”
But Amiel ignored my sarcasm. “You would know that had you not shut me out!”
“Well, if that’s the case, I’m sorry, but your efforts were pointless. I don’t want you, Amiel.”
In response, he made these little sarcastic noises as if he couldn’t believe it.
“Sorry, but you fucked that up,” I told him. “However, I do want you to be able to be a father to your daughter and have her in your life. That is why I contacted you, but that is all that I want.”
Fifteen
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
VIC
“Let’s talk about sex. That’s always fun.”
I laughed half-heartedly, but Dr. Peterson didn’t see the humor in it, though she attempted to chuckle in order to make me feel comfortable.
This was my second counseling session with her; the first being two days after Vince walked out on me.
That was the most embarrassing and shameful day of my existence. I was finally slapped with the reality that I needed professional help.
Having been to a psychiatrist before, I knew that one would only medicate me to make the pain go away. Church was good on Sunday, but I needed someone to talk to and get all of this shit out of me.
I was still using but that would honestly be something that I was comfortable doing as long as it was the fastest thing to happiness and peace.
“If we are going to talk about sex, then we have to really talk about sex.”
“I really wanna talk about sex,” I said with a giggle.
Because of the coke, when I got into Dr. Peterson’s office, I was much more comfortable peeling off the layer of secrecy and telling this white woman my dirtiest secrets.
“Your father, did he have sex with you?”
“No, but he tried.” And just like that, shit got real.
Things were no longer funny and I wasn’t cracking anymore jokes.
This bitch shol’ knew how to shut me up and get me to focus.
“How does that make you feel?”
I laughed sarcastically. “That is such a typical question. You sound like a Lifetime movie.”
“But have you ever answered the question? Have you ever dug deep and said out loud how it made you feel, or did you just show it with irate actions all of your life?”
I answered yes in a shameful silence.
“Tell me, Vic. Out loud, tell me how being molested by your father made you feel all of your life.”
Cat had my tongue because she was right. I never said it. I was just so angry that it happened and, because of that anger, I lashed out, but that was because I didn’t want to sound or look like a victim.
“Your father molested you and you have already told me that you have only talked about it with your friends; people who aren’t trained to help you and people who, at the time, were kids and couldn’t have understood. All of your friends know you well enough not to push your buttons, but you pay me to push those buttons. So… How does the fact that your father molested you make you feel?”
“You’re forgetting that he’s not my father.”
“You’re avoiding the question.”
I nervously tugged at the hem of my wife beater as I thought about Jesse touching me, about the way he came into my room at night and breathed heavily as I lay there acting like I was asleep. I closed my eyes and pretended as if he was right there in that office, sitting next to me, with his hands in places that no one biologically connected to me should be.
“Violated,” I answered. “Nasty. Pathetic. Disposable… Having sex with a man that I know doesn’t love me reminds me of being sexually taken advantage of by my father. It makes me feel the same way; not good enough, inadequate, and disposable. I dominate all of my sexual experiences so that I am the user, not the one being used. That is why I never gave Taij another chance. He was the only man that I let my guard down with, but he blatantly betrayed me in response and made me feel just as inadequate and useless as Jesse made me feel.”
And just like that, years and years, and layers and layers, of pressure, burden, embarrassment, and anxiety felt like it was falling from my shoulders, one pound at a time.
I never thought that saying it out loud would be any different than it constantly being on my mind.
“Do you treat people differently because of what your father did to you?”
“I didn’t think so, but my friends have told me that I do, and it makes me feel bad.”
“What do they say?”
“I don’t show emotions. I don’t hug them. I don’t kiss them. I constantly have a guard up.”
“Is that true?”
Sadly, I nodded my head. “Yes, it’s true. I hate when people touch me; especially people that I don’t know. It makes my skin crawl and an eerie helpless and vulnerable feeling comes over me. I slept with the lights on for years until I met Taij and started back after we broke up.”
“And your daughter?”
“What about my daughter?”
“Do you have fears that the same will happen to her?”
Stinging pain in my eyes signaled instant tears. I covered my face to mask the pain, but it revealed itself in words. “I trust Taij with DeSire, but I still check her privates when she comes home after spending time with him.”
STAR
Mr. Reed sounded like he was begging for my life.
And that he was.
But, to me, there was no use. He still had fight in him when I had already given up.
I was guilty. This courtroom knew it. The judge knew it. The jury knew it. All that was left for me to find out was how much time they were going to give me.
However, Mr. Reed wasn’t giving up. In his closing argument, he told the jury how loving of a person I was. He told them how much I loved my son; how obvious that love was that I did whatever I had to do to take care of him. He told them how much I loved and admired my family, so much so that I couldn’t even tell them that I was escorting. He told them how strong I was, so much so that I was doing someone else’s time and killed a woman in self-defense while doing so.
I listened to Mr. Reed plead my case for one last time and couldn’t wait for it to be over. I was tired of being in limbo and was ready to go back to what I knew best; only this time with the knowledge of how long I would be there.
Mr. Reed seemed way more anxious than I as he told the jury to judge me for the person that I am and not for the immature mistakes that I made. It was apparent that he wanted the success of this appeal just as much as my family, but way more than I.
I knew that I was guilty, and, being the moral and loving person that Mr. Reed stood before them proclaiming that I was, I knew that it was just that I serve t
ime for my guilt.
I sat there and listened to Mr. Reed beg for my freedom for an hour. The room was quiet; clinging to every word that he said. Though the room was silent, my thoughts were loud. In my mind, I heard myself telling Roxy and Benz that they shouldn’t hit DeShawn at that moment. I heard my own thoughts that day, strapped between loyalty to them and loyalty to a man that I knew would change my whole world in a way that I would never have to scam, scheme, or fuck for a buck again. I heard the gunshots that rang out as I stood in DeShawn’s bedroom, not knowing whether to stay or leave. I heard my footsteps against the Bamboo flooring as I got the hell out of there. I heard my prayers when I saw GiGi coming into that television room towards me to kill me because she also knew that I was guilty of killing her brother. I heard my screams as I sliced her over and over again.
And when it was over, I could still hear my screams as I was escorted to the holding room and told to wait while twelve strangers, that didn’t know shit about me, determined my fate.
The gawd damn jury deliberated for an hour and twelve minutes. It only took them seventy-two minutes to determine the rest of my life.
As Mr. Reed and I walked back into the courtroom, I felt like I was holding him up and aiding his walk because he was too weak to pretend to be strong for me.
We sat quietly, awaiting the judge’s return and attempting to read the eyes of the jurors. As I watched them, some met my glance and others stared clear away from me.
The judge returned and Mr. Reed’s anxiety grew.
I rose to my feet along with Mr. Reed and the State’s Attorney, and, a few seconds later, could hear the cries of my mother and sister as the jury’s foreman read the verdict.
Guilty of felony murder in the first degree.
Guilty of murder in the second degree.
Good Girls Ain't No Fun Boxed Set (The SIX romance and urban fiction volumes of the LOVE, SEX, LIES series) Page 81