by Dani Criss
“Jake said it was a justifiable shoot,” Rob told her softly.
She nodded again, closing her eyes as she thought of the knife stained with Jake’s blood. His courage and strength had saved them both. But now he was out of her life.
“I’ll have to get your statement,” Rob continued, “but I can do that later. Right now, Shelly’s here.”
“Shelly?” Kaitlyn opened her eyes and saw her friend waiting by the front door.
“I called her when I saw them taking Jake out. She’ll drive you to our place while I deal with everything here.”
Steele handed her a card. “My cell phone number is on that. You call if you need anything at all. As soon as I hear about Jake, I’ll phone Shelly’s place and leave word.”
Kaitlyn merely nodded once more and let Rob lead her to the door. She paused on the small porch to gaze back inside for a brief moment. There was nothing here for her now, she thought. Without Jake, there never would be.
The day was dragging by like all the others since Jake had left, Kaitlyn thought, sitting at her desk Thursday afternoon. Four days and not a word from him, other than Steele’s phone call from the hospital assuring her they’d sewn up all Jake’s wounds and he was on the road to recovery.
She’d spent that first night after the attack with Rob and Shelly, at their insistence. They hadn’t wanted her to be alone, to have to deal with the bloody carpet left behind and the nightmarish memories. She’d been unusually quiet and withdrawn that evening, but they’d assumed she was still in a state of shock over Fallon’s attack and had left her to herself.
In truth, Kaitlyn had been trying to deal with Jake’s leaving her, wondering if she would ever see him again, ever hear the sound of his rich and rough voice again, ever look into those incredibly dark eyes of his again.
She’d stayed there with Rob and Shelly because she hadn’t wanted to be alone in the condo, alone with her thoughts. After that first night, though, when Jake didn’t phone her, she’d had to accept that he had meant what he’d said and that she would have to pick up the pieces and get on with her life—without him.
She had to face the reality that he wouldn’t be there when she came home from work in the evening, wouldn’t be there to ask her how her day had gone as he cooked dinner for them both, wouldn’t be by her side as she walked Star in the morning. Wouldn’t be there beside her when she woke up. There would be no middle-of-the-day phone calls from him. He wouldn’t be there to take her to lunch, wouldn’t show up at her office with a tuna sandwich from her favorite restaurant.
The nights were the worst. Hour after sleepless hour of tossing and turning in the bed where she and Jake had made love. After one night of that, she’d moved to the sofa. Star hadn’t dealt well with the change, either. She would pace the floor for a long while, then finally lie down, only to get up and pace some more.
When Kaitlyn would at last fall into an exhausted sleep, she would dream of Jake holding her, loving her, then walking away without a backward glance. She would awaken to the emptiness that was her life now.
“Shouldn’t you be on your way to your mother’s apartment?” Mary asked, poking her head through the doorway.
“My mother’s?” Kaitlyn repeated blankly.
“You know,” Mary prompted, handing Kaitlyn her purse and steering her toward the door. “She’s going to help you pick out your new carpet.”
At least she wouldn’t have to explain the bloodstained carpet in the bedroom to her mother, Kaitlyn thought, getting into her car. Steele had come by the house the day after the attack to return Star and had kindly offered to help her remove the carpet and haul it off—at Jake’s urging, she suspected. That was the closest thing to communication between them, though.
And it would be the most contact she would have with him, she had to acknowledge. He wanted total commitment from her and he would stick to that.
If only she could make him understand how very afraid she was to surrender to his demand. If she gave in this time, on such an important issue, how could she maintain her independence in the future? She wanted Jake in her life, but at what cost to herself?
“You’ve become a very strong woman, Kaitlyn,” Gloria Adams said, running her thin fingers over a plush hunter green carpet square. “I’ve long admired that about you.”
Kaitlyn glanced up from a rack of beige carpet samples, a little surprised at this sudden change in the conversation. Or was it sudden? She’d been so lost in her own thoughts about Jake that she’d paid only minimal attention to what her mother was saying during this shopping trip.
“You’ve never told me you admired my strength,” she said.
“I do.” Her mother gave her a small smile. “But sometimes I’m afraid you’ve become too strong.”
Too strong? Did her mother have any idea how hard Kaitlyn worked at being able to stand on her own, how she often struggled with her doubts and fears? She’d come a long way, but still felt she had so very far to go.
“You don’t need anyone, Kaitlyn. I’m not sure that’s a good thing.”
Seeing a salesman approaching, Kaitlyn took her mother’s arm. She obviously wanted to have a rare serious discussion and the carpet store was not the place. Kaitlyn led her to the car, then drove to a nearby diner. They found an empty booth and ordered coffee and a cola, Kaitlyn stirring the soft drink with a straw for a long moment and staring out the window. Now that she was here, she wasn’t sure she wanted to have this conversation. How could she tell . her mother that she was afraid of ending up like her, broken, disillusioned and depressed?
“Mother, people walk all over someone who is needy and dependent. I don’t want anyone to have that kind of control over me....”
“The way your father controlled me, you mean?” Gloria asked.
Kaitlyn regretted the pain she saw in the other woman’s eyes, wished she could erase all the hurtful memories. “Us,” she said. “The way he walked over us, controlled us.”
“But you would rebel,” Gloria said, her smile returning. “How you would rebel. I was secretly proud of you.”
“Sometimes I thought you were actually encouraging me,” Kaitlyn said, recalling the occasional sly nod she would get, or the rare times her mother aided and abetted in her daughter’s schemes.
“I was. I wanted you to be able to stand up to him, to anyone. To not be beaten down, the way I was. I wanted you to be strong where I couldn’t be.”
“Isn’t that a form of strength in itself?” Kaitlyn asked. “You had your own bit of defiance.”
“I suppose you’re right.” Her mother’s eyes warmed. She laid her hand over Kaitlyn’s. “Darling, the point I’m trying to get to is that you are not me. And Jake is not the least bit like your father.”
Kaitlyn frowned into her soft drink. “I know that, Mother.”
“Do you, dear? Your father was a bitter man. He was extremely demanding and even more critical. Nothing ever pleased him.”
“Tell me about it.” How often had she tried her damnedest to meet his impossibly high expectations, only to have to endure failure and his criticism and wrath? “Perfection wouldn’t have been good enough for him.”
“He took a cruel pleasure in beating me down.” When Kaitlyn looked up in surprise at the declaration, Gloria nodded. “I’m learning quite a bit about myself, and him, in therapy.”
Kaitlyn breathed a small sigh of relief at this sign of how well her mother was doing, of how far she had come. Perhaps she would finally find her way out of the depression that had plagued her for so long.
“Jake, on the other hand,” Gloria said quietly, “only wants you to lean on him a little. He wants to be able to take care of you.”
Kaitlyn frowned. “Lean on him?” she asked. “Mother, it sounds as if—”
“Jake has come to visit me a couple of times,” her mother admitted.
Kaitlyn should have guessed he wouldn’t walk away from his friendship with her mother, and she was grateful he hadn’t. “It
isn’t only the leaning,” she said. “He’s so bossy.”
“Not the way your father was, darling. Jake has a kindness your father totally lacked.”
He did, Kaitlyn mused, sipping her soda. He was thoughtful, sensitive, tender, caring. She remembered how he’d stayed with her at the hospital when she feared she might lose her mother. Remembered the headache he’d nursed her through, and the bout of nausea. Recalled how he’d wanted her to be very certain of her feelings before making love with her.
And of how he’d demanded she marry him.
“Mother, you don’t understand—”
“Yes, darling, I do. More than you realize. For all these years you’ve had to be strong enough for both of us, and now you’re so strong you can’t bend even a little. Bending and breaking are two different things, you know.”
“Not in my book,” Kaitlyn muttered.
“Then you should read from another book. Breaking people was your father’s style, not Jake’s,” Gloria pointed out firmly.
Perhaps. But what was to keep that from changing? Kaitlyn wondered. One demand was sure to lead to another. Where would it end? With her fighting him every inch of the way to maintain her own strength?
She couldn’t live the rest of her life that way. Nor could she live giving up the strength she’d finally gained after all her struggles.
“Compromise, Kaitlyn, is not a dirty word,” Gloria insisted as she reached in her purse for money to pay their bill.
Compromise was difficult for her, Kaitlyn realized, and sometimes just as difficult for Jake. But on this issue there was no middle ground, no halfway. If she couldn’t make the total commitment, he would put them on hold until she could.
With a sigh, she followed her mother out of the restaurant. Somehow she had to sort through her thoughts and feelings—before the wedding rehearsal tomorrow night. Jake would be there. She had to know what she would say to him.
How long did it take for a woman to come to her senses? Jake wondered morosely, staring into his half-empty beer mug. To the other three men at the table, the beer mugs were half-full, but that’s not the way Jake saw things lately. Four days without Kaitlyn had him in a funk—worse this time than the last.
After the attack, he’d gone home from the hospital to his empty apartment. Though he’d known Katie was safe and with Rob and Shelly, he hadn’t been able to stop worrying about her, stop wondering whether she was worried about him, whether she felt as lonely and desolate as he.
He could have ended his own misery right then, he knew. Still could. But this time he had to be sure of Kaitlyn. Had to be certain she wouldn’t walk out on him at the first sign of trouble. She’d left him devastated the last time. He couldn’t risk that again. If they were married, she would have to deal with him, work conflicts out rather than pack her bags and leave. He needed that.
Consequently he’d been going through his days and nights barely able to function. Thanks only to his top-notch staff, the business had run smoothly. He sure hadn’t been involved in anything. Ninety percent of his days had been spent staring out his office windows, wondering what Katie was doing. Was she thinking about him? Was she missing him? Wishing he were there with her?
Did she remember their lovemaking? He could still recall every wonderful detail. When he closed his eyes, he could still feel her touch, the satin of her skin, the heat of her as she lay next to him. He still wanted her, ached for her, still dreamed of her at night.
Nights. Without her they were exercises in torture. Each one was longer than the last, stretching on for endless hours as he longed to have her in his bed. Longed to hold her, touch her, take care of her, hear her calling his name as he made love to her. Hell, he would be content just to see her face, hear the sound of her voice.
She would be at the wedding rehearsal tomorrow evening, he remembered. What would she say to him? Would she even speak to him? What should he say to her? If she wasn’t ready to commit to their relationship, there could be no future for them. Could he bear that?
Jake blinked as someone gently cuffed his right shoulder.
“Damn, Jake, this is a party for Rob, not his funeral,” Max said from beside him.
“You’re all pitiful,” Dallas said, shaking his head. “Max is married, Rob is getting married and Jake is miserable because he wants to be married. You’re all crazy, if you ask me.”
In unison the other three said, “Shut up, Steele.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Rob said.
“Look at you guys,” Dallas insisted. “Each of you is letting a woman—one woman—run his life. The women have total control. You don’t do what she says and you’re the ones who’re miserable,” he said, pointing his finger at Jake, then at Max and finally turning it on Rob. “You’re next, Copper. Mark my words.”
“One day,” Max warned. “One day it’ll happen to you. You’ll be in love.”
“Yeah,” Rob said, echoing the sentiment. “You’ll fall so hard and so fast you won’t know what hit you.”
The way he had, Jake thought. All over again. Despite all the things he’d told himself to the contrary, all the warnings, all the holding back. He’d fallen in love with Katie Adams all over again.
“Put your money where your mouths are,” Dallas was demanding. “Fifty bucks says I make it to fifty unattached and unbrokenhearted.”
“You’re on,” Jake said, figuring if it could happen to him when he’d gone into things with his eyes open, it could happen to any man.
“Yeah, you’re on,” Max and Rob said, nodding in agreement.
Dallas wasn’t bothered by the fact he was so outnumbered. “I turn thirty-five next May,” he told them. “Fifteen years from that date, we meet in the office and I collect.”
“It won’t be fifteen years and you won’t be collecting,” Rob said. “You’ll be in love and doing whatever it takes to make your woman happy.”
Dallas arched an eyebrow. “Whatever it takes?” he scoffed. “Like Jake here? Red wants to take things slow and Jake’s rushing her.”
Rob laughed. “He’s not there yet. Me, I think of Shelly and of all I’m gaining and I don’t mind giving in.”
He could give in, Jake thought. Had given in on so many other points. This time was different, though, the point too important. He had to know Katie was as committed to them as he was, and there was no two ways about it.
But when he was back at home, alone, unable to sleep, missing her more than ever, he had to remind himself how important this was to him. He couldn’t live in a constant state of uncertainty. He wanted it all—marriage, kids, the PTA, grandkids—and he wanted it with Katie.
What if she didn’t come to him?
He knew she cared for him, but how deep did her feelings go? He was learning that his own went to his very soul. He knew that she was afraid they wouldn’t be able to work things out. Gloria Adams had explained how Katie had had to fight her way through her growing-up years just for a chance to stand on her own. He understood she didn’t want to do battle the rest of her life. She pictured marriage as a possible war zone.
It had been that way between them before. Could he convince her they could do it differently this time around? Convince her he understood her need to be strong and would do all he could to support her?
Chapter 14
Kaitlyn lay in the darkness. Alone. Unable to sleep in the bed without Jake beside her. With the dog following behind her, she wandered to the front-room window and peered out at the starry night sky.
What was Jake doing? Was he sleeping peacefully? Or was he, too, awake and lonely? Perhaps missing her?
She thought of this afternoon’s conversation with her mother. Kaitlyn had always prided herself on not needing anyone. She never wanted to be that vulnerable, that open to hurt.
So she’d shut Jake out.
Her breath caught at that thought. She recalled his last words to her and realized she had been unconsciously planning for their separation all al
ong. She’d figured they would fail again, just as they had the first time, and hadn’t given them a chance.
She thought again about Jake and all they’d been through. Of the times she’d gone head to head with him and of how they’d resolved the issues that had come up, each giving a little. Of the way he’d taken care of her when the headache and nausea had incapacitated her. Of how surprisingly wonderful it had felt to have him there holding her, comforting her, doing whatever he could to ease her pain.
Absently petting the dog behind the ears, she noticed the Riley Security Services car do a slow drive-by, still checking the condo though Fallon was out of the picture for good. She smiled to herself, realizing Jake was still taking care of her, protecting her from a distance. Odd that it didn’t upset her as it once would have. In fact, instead of making her angry, it gave her a definite sense of security.
Jake wanted a woman who would lean on him, let him take charge. Kaitlyn had fought so long and hard to stand on her own, had worked to succeed and achieve. It wasn’t in her nature to relinquish control of her life. The risk of devastation was too great.
Yet when she had given Jake control of her life for the few weeks that fear had her unable to function, he’d given it right back to her. She’d leaned on him heavily, depending on him for nearly everything, and he’d practically forced her to stand on her own—getting her a guard dog, signing her up for self-defense lessons, making her stay in the house alone.
Was that a fluke? Something he’d done because of the dangerous situation she’d been in at the time? Was it a onetime occurrence? Or perhaps a glimpse into the future?
Jake threw back the covers and got out of bed. He was losing count of all the sleepless nights he’d endured lately. This one was worse than all the rest. This time he couldn’t just lie there feeling desolate. His mind raced with what he would say and do tomorrow.
Tomorrow evening he would see Katie for the first time since Fallon had attacked them. Jake hadn’t contacted her since that night, figuring her decision about them was one she had to reach on her own.