by Dani Criss
Did she know she held his future happiness in the palm of her hand? Did she know he wouldn’t be able to survive without her? The feelings were much stronger this time around. He’d fallen much harder and deeper in love than before.
Sitting on the balcony, drinking a cup of decaf coffee, he thought of his life without her. Long days and longer nights of endless loneliness. Never to hear her laugh, see her eyes light up with desire. Never to hold her, make love to her. Never to wake up with her beside him.
She was the one woman he would love with his heart and soul. She loved him, too, he thought. Why was it so difficult for her to admit it?
She wasn’t the type to lean on him, but in the past few days he’d come to realize he didn’t want that as much as he once had. He realized he wanted her strength, her independent nature. He wanted someone to share his life and that someone was Katie. It always had been and always would be.
Kaitlyn parked her Honda next to Jake’s Town Car in the church parking lot, shut off the engine, then wiped her palms on her denim skirt. She wanted to get this meeting over with, and yet she wanted to put it off for as long as she could. She wasn’t ready to face Jake again. Wasn’t sure she ever would be ready.
She’d hardly slept last night, knowing she would see him today. Hour after hour she’d struggled to sort through her feelings. She missed him, wanted him in her life. Somewhere along the way she’d realized she loved him. Loved a man she might not be able to live with. If that wasn’t a recipe for disaster, what was?
He’d kept her safe from Craig Fallon and would always go to the limit to protect her. The problem was he tended to go overboard. Then there was his method of operating—making decisions without consulting her, giving orders.
She couldn’t live with that. Yet how could she live without him?
That’s the way it had gone all night and all day today, and still she’d come to no definite conclusion. She couldn’t have it both ways. It was either life with him or life without him. The first could be a series of battles. The second would be a bleak and lonely existence.
With a sigh she got out of the car. Birds chirped merrily in the trees that lined the parking lot. The early-evening sun shone down brightly. The air was warm, but not uncomfortably hot. It was a perfect evening, and tomorrow’s forecast was for more of the same. A good sign for Rob and Shelly’s wedding? Kaitlyn sincerely hoped so.
The church smelled of flowers and beeswax candles. Kaitlyn stepped inside and paused to let her eyes adjust, and to give herself time to get composed. Soft voices and quiet laughter drifted from the altar. She spotted Jake standing beside the groom and the priest, tall and silent, unsmiling.
Her heartbeat did a rough flip-flop. She longed to be able to see Jake’s face clearly, to read his expression, to know what he was feeling. Was he dreading this moment? Was he anxious to have this wedding over so they could get on with their lives?
Shelly saw her at the back of the church, excused herself, then walked briskly away from the others. When she was a few feet away, she paused to search Kaitlyn’s face for a long moment before taking her arm and leading her back to the nursery the church kept for children of the congregation.
“I thought you’d never get here,” she said, shutting the door.
Shelly was radiant, Kaitlyn noticed, positively glowing with happiness. This marriage was right for her and there wasn’t a doubt in her mind. Kaitlyn felt a stab of jealousy. Why couldn’t her decision concerning her own love life be so cut-and-dried?
“Aren’t you supposed to have a case of the wedding jitters or something?” she asked her friend gently.
“The only thing I’m nervous about is your fainting during the ceremony, and you look as if you just might,” Shelly said in an urgent voice. “You and Jake both look as if you haven’t had a good night’s sleep in days. What’s going on with you two? This is more than the deal with Fallon.”
Kaitlyn’s heartbeat tripped again. “Jake looks as if he hasn’t slept?” Hope flared to life. Did he miss her, then? Truly miss her?
Shelly let out a quiet groan. “He looks awful. Dallas said this is the first time in three days that Jake has shaved and he wouldn’t have done that if Dallas hadn’t reminded him.”
Jake had let his appearance go? That could only mean he was upset. Miserable, perhaps? She hated that. Never had she imagined he would be going through this kind of agony. Never had she dreamed he would be hurting as much as she.
“Kaitlyn, what’s going on between you two?” Shelly asked, taking Kaitlyn’s hand. “Is there something Rob or I can do to help?”
How could she explain? Kaitlyn wondered. She needed to deal with the sudden numerous questions that raced through her mind. Why was Jake so unhappy? What was tormenting him? Always she’d pictured him waiting stonily for her to come to him. So many questions. So much uncertainty.
“How do you know?” she asked Shelly. “How do you know so definitely that Rob is the man for you?”
Shelly smiled broadly. “Ask me something hard. Kaitlyn, Rob is my soul mate. My other half. I feel complete with him and completely lost without him.”
Soul mate, she mused for a moment. “But what about the problems? How do you know you can deal with them?”
“Communication.”
Kaitlyn sighed. Could the answer be that simple? And yet how complicated that was when it came to her and Jake. Or was it as complicated as she was making it?
“Look, Kaitlyn, we don’t have all the answers. No one does. There just aren’t any guarantees in life,” Shelly said, squeezing Kaitlyn’s hand briefly. “Rob say he loves me and he’ll stick by me. The rest I have to take on faith. Now, come on, the natives are getting restless up there.”
Kaitlyn followed Shelly up to the altar, wondering how to take Jake on faith. She didn’t do that with anyone. How could she rush into something so very important—even with a soul mate—on faith alone?
From the left side of the altar she chanced a glance into Jake’s eyes. The anguish she read there took her breath away. Was this distance between them tearing him apart, too? Did her decision mean so much to him?
Jake saw the fatigue in Katie’s eyes. Fatigue that no amount of makeup could conceal. What was he putting her through? He wanted to go to her, pull her into his arms and demand she let him take care of her. But that wasn’t what she needed from him.
He’d steeled himself for this moment when he would see her again, but he hadn’t been prepared for the way seeing her torment would hit him in the gut. How could he do this to her? There was a weary and defeated slump to her shoulders. Her face was pale under her makeup. She looked thinner. She hadn’t been eating, he was sure, and just when he’d finally managed to get her interested in food.
Father Allen ran them through their paces, with Jake paying minimal attention to the details. Frequently he would catch Katie’s gaze on him. Even across the aisle he could read the longing in her eyes. It was nearly his undoing. It unleashed all the needs he’d been trying so desperately to hold in check.
He wanted her. Needed her. Loved her to the point where he couldn’t think of anything—or anyone—else but her. He had to have her back in his life again.
But could he live on her terms, afraid that one day she would leave him? What could he do to keep her by his side?
Someone nudged his arm, bringing him back to the rehearsal with a jolt. Rob stood with his arm outstretched, palm open, waiting. Jake stared at him blankly, then quickly searched his pockets, coming up empty.
Rob rolled his eyes. “It’s a rehearsal, Jake. You’re supposed to pretend to pass me the ring.”
Shelly sighed loudly. “Kaitlyn’s just as bad. She’s going through the motions, but I doubt she realizes that right now she’s supposed to be taking my bouquet so you can put the ring on my finger.”
“Sorry,” Jake said, realizing Katie had mumbled her apology at the same time.
Did she know they were meant to be together if they were this brokenh
earted apart? How could he convince her? He had to get her alone, he decided as the rehearsal continued. He wouldn’t have time before the dinner party tonight, but as soon as it was over...
What if he’d pushed her too hard, though? What if he’d driven her away? She hated being backed into a corner, and that’s just what he’d done.
“Enough,” Shelly said in exasperation. “Neither of you is paying one bit of attention to this.”
Jake glanced up to see everyone staring at him, Katie included. Her gaze, though, held so much sympathy and concern. She cared, he knew, but was that enough? Could he take a one-day-at-a-time relationship with her? Did he have a choice?
When Shelly snapped her fingers under his nose, he blinked in confusion. He hadn’t even seen her come up to him.
“You’ve done it now, my friend,” Rob muttered without a trace of concern for Jake.
“The nursery,” Shelly commanded. “You, too, Kaitlyn. Let’s go.”
Obediently the two followed her to the back of the church and into the children’s nursery. Shelly gently shoved Katie in first, then Jake. He took a step into the room, then waited, suddenly very uncertain of the woman he loved. If she said she didn’t love him he would never be able to pick up the pieces.
“I don’t know what’s wrong between you, but neither of you comes out of here until you’ve solved it,” Shelly ordered. “The rest of us will finish this rehearsal, then we’ll go to the restaurant.”
“But—” Kaitlyn began.
Shelly held up a hand to demand silence. “Take as long as you need. We’ll go on to dinner without you, and Rob and I will fill you in on what you’re supposed to do later. Tomorrow, if necessary. Just don’t either of you move from this room until you’ve settled everything.”
Shelly walked out, closing the door behind her, leaving Kaitlyn alone with Jake. Her stomach knotted. Her mouth went as dry as desert sand. Her mind raced with fear. What was he thinking, feeling? She didn’t have a clue.
“Why don’t you sit down,” Jake said, watching her. She looked as if she were about to fall down. He figured if she started pacing, she wouldn’t last five minutes on her feet.
To his surprise, she did as he asked. Hands in her lap, she twisted at her purse strap and bit her bottom lip. He sat beside her, a foot or two away, wondering what to say, where to start.
“How are your stitches?” Kaitlyn asked, noting the flesh-colored, square adhesive bandages on the inside of his wrist.
“They’re fine,” he said. “The doctor said there was no permanent damage.”
She nodded, relieved. “I was worried about that.”
“Were you?” Jake asked softly. Was that all that had, kept her up at night—worry about his cuts? He needed to know, but was afraid to ask.
“Of course I was worried. Jake, you saved my life....”
Is that all she felt? he wanted to demand. Gratitude for what he’d done? He wanted a lot more from her than gratitude. What about the love they’d made? Hadn’t she shown she cared for him? Hadn’t she said as much? Had she changed her mind?
“Saved your life,” he repeated flatly.
“Yes,” Kaitlyn said, puzzled at the lack of emotion in his voice. “I was afraid Fallon might have hurt you...might have done some lasting damage.”
“Oh,” he said, flexing his fingers for her benefit. “Well, you don’t have to worry about that.”
He got up and walked to the window, his back to her. Kaitlyn frowned. He was turning away from her and she didn’t understand why. He was so difficult to read. Was this the same man who had said he loved her? He was, she admitted to herself, the man she loved. And she was losing him.
“Jake,” she said, her voice shaky, “I get the feeling I’m saying all the wrong things.”
He turned to study her for a long moment. “There’s no right or wrong. Just say what you feel.”
Her feelings were a jumble—worse than ever with him looking down at her with that unreadable expression. She sighed and attempted to sort through them. Outside the room she could hear the sounds of the others leaving the church and heading for their cars. Inside the room the silence stretched on.
“I’m feeling scared,” she finally managed to say.
Jake whirled around, amazed at how those three words could bring out his protective instincts. He wanted to slay all her demons, but he was learning he couldn’t. He had to give her room. He couldn’t push her into love. Her eyes were wide, her gaze expectant.
“Afraid of what?” he asked.
She lowered her eyes, bit her lip, twisted her purse strap again. If ever he wanted to go to her and hold her, it was now. But he had to let her struggle with this on her own, no matter how it tore at him to stand there and do nothing.
“Of making a mess of my life,” she said after a long moment. “Of making a mistake.”
Jake’s breath caught. What was she saying? “You think we’re a mistake?” Is that what she meant?
Kaitlyn raised her chin and squared her shoulders. Now that she’d begun, she knew she had to continue. Regardless of what happened, there were issues that had to be resolved.
“We were,” she told him.
But that was then, Jake wanted to protest, as he had at the engagement party and so many times since. Five years ago, they’d both been younger, more quick-tempered, less inclined to give a little. Didn’t she see that? Hadn’t he shown her he could be flexible? What more could he say or do to make her see that this time was different?
“Katie, you’re remembering the past.”
She liked hearing him say her name, Kaitlyn thought. Liked it a lot, especially when his voice was husky with passion. She studied his strong features—the firm line of his jaw, the angle of his chin, the curve of his full mouth.
She thought of his smile and how it would soften his face and crinkle his eyes. Somewhere along the way she’d committed it to memory, never to be forgotten. Wherever she went she would always remember the thrill of his kiss, the pleasure his hands could give her, the tenderness in his lovemaking.
“We had some major fights back then,” Jake continued, “but this time wasn’t like that.”
“No,” she agreed softly. “This time was...”
“Different?”
“Nice. Better...” Much better. Ecstasy, in fact. The feelings were much stronger this time. There was so much she wanted to experience again. She was beginning to realize that she would not make her mother’s mistakes, would not make the same choices. Realize that in dealing with Jake she would be dealing with a kind and reasonable man.
“Better until I said I wanted marriage or nothing,” he noted. “Until I tried to push you. I hardly gave you a chance to tell me what you needed. I tried to bulldoze you in the direction I wanted you to go.”
Kaitlyn nodded. That was the issue in a nutshell. “I’m afraid our lives would be a battle—you pushing and me pushing back.”
Jake ran a hand over his jaw. “Last night I thought long and hard about that and saw how stupid I acted when I all but demanded you marry me. I know how that ‘we do it my way’ approach works with you. You dig your heels in and don’t budge.”
True, she thought, but that wasn’t what she was doing in this case. Or was it? Was she going to blow a chance at happiness out of sheer stubbornness?
“So I’ve decided I’ll take whatever you can give me,” he told her.
“Whatever?” she asked. Was he saying... Could he mean...
He nodded. “I was a fool. I love you, Katie, and I’ve been unhappy without you. I want you in my life, and if all you can offer me is one day at a time, I’ll take it gratefully.”
He would do that? Make the ultimate compromise? He was putting her needs ahead of his own, as he had when he’d made her face her fears and take back control of her life. Showing her that he could work with her, that he understood her.
“You would do that?” she asked. “For me?”
“For us.” He gave her the hint of a sm
ile. “I do have an ulterior motive. I want us to be together.”
“So do I, Jake.” She meant it. With every fiber of her being.
Her heartbeat quickened as he pulled her into his arms. She closed her eyes and savored his nearness, his strength, his tenderness. She’d wondered if she would ever be in his arms again. This was where she was meant to be, she knew for certain. Where she wanted to be.
“Jake,” she said, taking a deep breath, “will you ask me to marry you?”
“Honey, I said I wouldn’t push you—”
“You aren’t. I figure I love you. Completely. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. That’s about as committed as it gets. I’m bound to you in spirit and I want to let everyone know it.”
“No more uncertainty?” he asked, his heart racing with happiness. She loved him. She would be his—forever. All he’d ever hoped for, everything he’d feared he’d lost, was his.
“I’d be foolish to think we’ll have smooth sailing all the time, but last night I thought of the past few weeks and how we’ve dealt with each other. No screaming, no shouting.”
“We’ve talked, worked things out for the most part.”
“At first I thought it was a fluke....” She laid her hand along his jaw, needing to touch him. “You’re still pushy and probably still overprotective at times.”
“But you’re strong enough to reason with me this time.”
“And strong enough to lean a little every now and then.”
Jake stared down at her. “Do you mean that? You’ll let me take care of you—occasionally?”
She smiled. “As long as you don’t go overboard. I’ve found I need you, and I like having someone to share the load. Ask me to marry you.”
It was his turn to smile. He released her to get down on bended knee. This time he Would do it properly.
ISBN : 978-1-4592-7260-6
FOR KAITLYN’S SAKE
Copyright © 1997 by Kitty Bentch