Giving her an opportunity to help Blair, could this be God’s way of letting her live again? To make up for the loss of Danny? You like him, a little voice from deep within prompted. She couldn’t allow herself to like him too much, though. It would be disloyal to Danny.
“I won’t let him down,” Laurie vowed.
“You’re young and brave. Captain Sinclair is a lucky man to have you. Many others have not been so fortunate. Well, I’d better get about my work now. I know I can rely on you to be sensible and not tire our patients too much. Your presence can do the captain more good than any number of medical people.”
The nurse stood up, a signal for Laurie to go. As she left, she felt happier than she had for months. You were right, Dad, I do need someone else to care for. I shouldn’t keep dwelling on the past and what might have been. Danny wouldn’t want that. It would be a hard battle nursing Blair back to health again, but even if it took years it didn’t matter. This could be a chance for both of them to find some happiness together. Maybe it would be best if he never remembered how Helen had deserted him. You need me, Blair, but I need you, too. This honesty bared her soul. Danny wouldn’t begrudge her finding happiness with another man.
It’s too soon, her conscience screamed. Too soon to transfer your affections to another man. Was she using Blair as a crutch to prop up her own emotional needs?
On the way out, she stopped to watch two sparrows fighting in the birdbath. She should stop torturing herself and maybe then time would lift the crippling burden of grief from her heart.
Chapter Six
Back at the hotel, Laurie rang Aunt Jane and was informed by a maid that the family had gone to Sydney for a few weeks.
What a stroke of good fortune; she wouldn’t have to explain her actions to them now. She went to lunch feeling happier than she had in a long time.
At two-thirty she set off again, wearing a straw hat to shelter her complexion from the fierce rays of the afternoon sun. The sky was cobalt blue, with not a wisp of cloud to be seen anywhere. Smiling to herself, she sniffed appreciably at a trellis covered with strong smelling jasmine.
She arrived at the hospital and hurried towards the verandah to take advantage of the shade. Phew, it was hot. Taking off her hat she fanned her cheeks to cool them down before going to the nurse’s office.
“Good afternoon, Miss Cunningham, you certainly did something for the captain. He absolutely insisted on getting dressed and seems a changed man. Go along to the ward and out through the glass door near his bed.”
Laurie strolled along the ward, stopping every now and again to chat with other patients. She gave Steven an extra-special smile because he somehow reminded her of Danny.
Pushing open the glass door, she glanced around. Her heartbeat quickened at the sight of Blair, in pants and a short-sleeved shirt, resting in a wicker armchair. He stared straight ahead but turned slightly when she came towards him.
“Laurie?” The soft query tugged at her heart.
“Hello, Blair. So they finally got you out of bed.” She scrutinized his face. Still pale, but the dreadful grey pallor so much in evidence this morning had disappeared. His hair, thick, black and a trifle unruly, was now flecked with grey.
“Sit next to me. I asked them to put out an extra chair.” He rapped on the verandah with his stick.
“You look a lot better than you did this morning. You’re still pale, though. Your skin used to be so tanned before.”
“Hospital pallor, they call it.” His well shaped lips parted in a slight smile, giving her a glimpse of even white teeth. “You did me a lot of good this morning. The days are long and boring when a man has no visitors.”
“You won’t be bored anymore. I’ll visit you twice a day. I’ve got you in my clutches now, so there’s no escape,” she teased. “You’ll be sick of the sight of me before long.” What a tactless remark, although he did not seem to notice the slip. Then and there she decided to speak without avoiding any reference to sight.
She launched into the story of where she was staying, and about the journey down to Melbourne on her own after receiving the chaplain’s letter.
“That was brave of you, also a little rash.” He winced as he moved his leg, which he held out stiffly in front of him.
“Are you in much pain?” Impulsively she took his hand and it felt warm to her touch. What long, sensitive fingers he had.
“It hurts like hell sometimes, worse with sudden movement. I’ll be a partial cripple for life.”
“How dare you say such a thing?”
He laughed. “Are you going to lay down the law to me again?”
“I will if you start all this invalid nonsense.” Merriment lurked in her voice now. “I can be severe if I have to. Dad sometimes calls me a tyrant.”
“I got the soldier in the next bed to read your letters out to me. They didn’t sound particularly lover-like.”
Thank goodness he couldn’t see the guilty red washing over her face. “I was too shy.” That wasn’t a lie. It was becoming easier to play the part of his fiancée, especially now she had realized how much she liked him. Only liked? What kind of fickle person would behave like this? She had sworn undying love for Danny a few short months ago.
“Oh, I don’t think so.”
“You’ve only got a few letters, what about the others? They might have been full of passionate outpourings.”
“Laurie, come closer.”
“Whatever for?”
“I have to go by touch now. Let me feel your face. I have to remember. God, I have to.” He clenched his fist so tightly all the color bleached out of his hand, leaving his knuckles white.
She knelt down beside him and, unclenching his fingers, guided his hand across her face. He brought up his other hand to cup her chin, and his fingers gently traced the line of her jaw. Burying his hands in her hair, he threaded his fingers through the wayward curls.
“Such pretty hair, soft, and smells nice, too. I want to remember. My God, I must. You’re my fiancée, and I can’t even remember you. Steven said you were beautiful. All the patients told me how lovely you are. They said you reminded them of a porcelain figurine.”
“I do have a fine build, but I’m awfully strong.”
“How old are you?”
She gave a shaky laugh. “It’s not gallant to ask a lady her age.”
“How old are you?” he repeated, dragging the words out from between clenched teeth. She almost lied, after all she was living a lie, so why not add one more to the growing list?
“Eighteen.” She meant to say twenty-three.
“God, what kind of man gets engaged to a child of eighteen?”
“I am not a child.” She pulled away from him.
“You certainly have a temper. Don’t be angry with me. Tell me about yourself, how we met, that kind of thing.”
Glad of a reprieve, she launched into her life story, and before long Blair started laughing at the eccentricities of some of the customers at her father’s store.
“Do you remember Danny?”
“No, should I?”
As he pressed her for more information on their first meeting, she gave him a brief outline of mainly half-truths, with a barefaced lie thrown in now and again for good measure. For a person who always prided herself on being honest, her glib misuse of the truth was frightening.
He seemed satisfied with her explanations and when one of the nurses came out to ask if he needed to be helped inside, she breathed a sigh of relief. Her mention of Helen’s name brought not even the faintest flicker of recognition.
“Are you sure you want to stay out here, Blair?”
“Yes,” he answered, with a grimace as he ran a trembling hand across his forehead.
“Do you have a headache?”
“Not exactly a headache, just a dull ache behind the eyes. Oh, I don’t know. I’ve had it a few times over the last couple of days. It comes and goes.”
“You should tell the nurse.”
“Why? So she can put me to bed like some truculent infant? Here, give me a hand up, and we’ll go for a walk. Take the stick first.”
He handed over the walking cane before carefully raising himself to his feet. She placed the cane in one of his hands, slipped the other through her arm, and they set off. How heartbreaking to have him lean so heavily against her.
“Take me to the lawns, please.”
“Are you allowed?” She bit her lip as they came to the steps leading to the path and she guided his hand around the verandah post. He gave her the stick to hold before using both hands to ease himself down the steps. Beads of perspiration stood out on his upper lip, and his eyes reflected great pain. When he made it to the footpath, she expelled a relieved breath.
He took her arm again as they meandered across the grass. “A peppercorn tree.” He grinned boyishly. “I can smell it.”
Like excited children they explored the greenery, Blair naming various trees and shrubs by smell. Those with no fragrance he tried to guess by touch and she laughed happily as he correctly named most things.
He soon became exhausted. She could tell he was under enormous strain by the way the muscles stood out in his throat as he clenched his teeth in determination.
“Let’s have a rest.” She steered him towards a bench under the shade of a huge oak tree. The garden looked magnificent, no doubt about it. Other patients and visitors moved about on the lawns, as well, the pale pastel colors of the ladies’ frocks a pleasing contrast against the green shrubbery.
They sat together without speaking, their fingers threaded together, and in those few moments she felt close to him. Could he ever love her? The best she could hope for was gratitude, perhaps some fondness. She would never forget Danny, whose memory remained locked and cherished in her heart forever. It wasn’t wrong trying to reach out for a second chance of happiness with Blair, surely? Too soon, her conscience cried out. Far too soon.
He broke the silence with a suddenness that startled her. “When I’m discharged from here, will you come home to Coolibah with me? We can get married as soon as I make the arrangements.”
“If you want me to come back home with you I will, but I can’t marry you.”
“I understand. You don’t want to be tied down to a blind cripple.” His voice was rough as gravel.
“That’s not the reason. When your memory returns, if you still want me to marry you, I will.”
“My memory might never return.”
“Don’t say that. You must have faith. You’ll get better. I know it.” She increased the pressure of her fingers against his.
“Marry me now, Laurie. I need you.”
What a dilemma? She was tempted. Dare she say yes? Marriage to him would take away the empty loneliness of her heart and give her some kind of future to look forward to. At home, her father, the store, the whole town, every blade of grass and every tree trunk reminded her of Danny. The places they had been together, the friends they shared, if she didn’t get away for a while, she would go mad. Blair needed her. He had loved and lost, too. His dreams lay shattered just like hers.
“I can’t marry you until your memory returns, it wouldn’t be right, but I won’t desert you, either. I promise I’ll stay with you at Coolibah for as long as you want me to.”
They sat without speaking soaking up the peaceful serenity. They were some distance away from the other people, whose muted voices drifted over every now and again. The cooing of pigeons intermingled with the buzzing of bees added to the tranquility that wrapped itself around them like a gossamer shawl. This peace would do more than any medicine to heal the broken bodies and tortured minds.
She turned to glance at Blair, who had closed his eyes. In repose his face seemed softer, the lines of pain and weariness almost smoothed away. His lashes, thick and dark, practically rested on his cheekbones. Strange how she had never noticed their length before. A red, puckering scar ran along his hairline where the shrapnel had entered his head. Were the doctors frightened to remove it for fear it might cause further damage?
He looked much thinner than before. In a few months he had aged years. They were all old now, these young men, grief, pain and horror had left them scarred. She saw it in Blair’s face and in the faces of the other young men who had returned. Would time heal and blot out their suffering, or would they carry the scars for the rest of their lives?
She made up her mind then and there that no matter how long it took she would help Blair recover. Outwardly, he remembered nothing of what had happened. His mind must have blanked out the memory of the horror, but his body bore testament to the trauma he had endured.
She sat motionless, hardly daring to breathe in case he woke up. Sleep and rest would make him strong once more. Was his leg stiff because of the wound, or did he hold it that way to ease the pain? He would probably have a permanent limp, and she hated herself for feeling glad that the army would not be able to send him back to war. Hadn’t she given them enough already? Danny was gone. Surely it wasn’t too selfish to expect some happiness?
“I won’t let them take him again. I won’t.” She did not realize this anguished vow disturbed Blair until he spoke.
“What won’t you let them do?”
“I must have been thinking out loud. I won’t let them take you again.”
He gave a puzzled frown.
“The army, I mean.”
“A blind man with a mangled leg? I wouldn’t be much use to the army now.” He laughed. “You’re an intense little soul, but you’ve no need to worry about me, my soldiering days are well and truly over.”
“I’m glad.” She stood up. “We should be getting back. Nurse will be furious.”
He struggled to his feet. She clasped her hands to stop herself from reaching out to help him, but instinct told her he had to learn to do things for himself.
“I’m ready.” He took her arm and they started out across the lawns. She waved to some of the other patients as they made their way with tortuous slowness, towards the verandah. By the time they got to the steps, he was leaning so heavily against her she was bowed like a sapling in the wind.
“Will we rest for a moment?”
“No.”
She flinched at his harshness.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. I feel hellish.”
He gave a loud groan and then slipped to the ground in a dead faint. She screamed as his head hit the edge of the verandah post with a bang. A nurse came running, but blood was already pouring from a gash at the side of his forehead.
It had all happened so fast she felt sick and shaken. Why had she let him persuade her to go out on to the lawn? What kind of fool would let him stay out there so long?
Two orderlies rushed up with a stretcher. As they carried Blair away, her legs crumpled and she slumped onto the step herself, too emotionally drained to move. It was here the nurse from the front desk found her.
“Don’t blame yourself. He just overdid it.”
“Is he all right?”
“You aren’t to worry. The doctor is examining him now. Come down to the office for a cup of tea and a chat.”
“Thank you.” Laurie gulped back her tears. “Will I be able to see him before I go?”
“Depends on what the doctor says.”
By the time they finished their tea she felt better but still responsible for what had happened. The nurse disappeared, leaving her sitting there worrying about Blair. After what seemed an eternity the doctor appeared.
“It will be best if you leave now, Miss Cunningham, Captain Sinclair is sleeping.”
“Is he all right?”
“Yes, I’ve finished my examination. All the captain needs for the moment is rest. You can see him tomorrow after lunch.”
“Thank you.” Still feeling wretched, she left. They said he was resting, but was he? If I could have seen him for myself, it would have eased my mind. She trudged along the street. Guilt would weigh her down now until tomorrow. They had the hotel t
elephone number, so if he took a turn for the worse, at least the nurses would be able to contact her.
She passed a neat row of terrace houses with pocket-sized front gardens, but paid scant attention, being too distracted with all the problems buzzing around inside her head.
Back in her room she wrote a long letter to her father, telling him about Blair but omitting the part where he collapsed. She had not been fair to her father because her grief at losing Danny had blinded her to the fact that he suffered, also.
By the time she had finished the letter and freshened up, it was time for dinner. Strolling down to the dining room, she chose a table on her own. There were too many jumbled up emotions to sift through without being bothered by superfluous conversation with strangers.
Most of the patrons appeared to be married couples, but one elderly woman sat in a far corner eating alone. Laurie remembered seeing this lady at the convalescent home. Their gazes met and she smiled because they shared a bond.
After dinner she sat in the private sitting room, reading a newspaper full of the war in Europe. There was an article on the evacuation of the ANZAC forces from the Gallipoli peninsula that particularly interested her. All the troops had been successfully evacuated by the twentieth of December, 1915, and the soldiers were now training in Egypt.
“Would you mind if I shared your couch?” the elderly lady from the dining room asked. “I saw you at the convalescent hospital today. Were you visiting your brother?” She glanced at Laurie’s ring less fingers.
“No, Captain Sinclair, my fiancé.” It was becoming easier to think this way now. “I’m Laurie Cunningham.”
“Pleased to meet you. I’m Ruby Bates. I was visiting my son Harry. We’ll be taking him home in the next day or so, now he’s mastered his artificial legs.”
“Legs!” Laurie gasped. “You mean he lost both legs?” She recalled Harry as a dark-haired boy who could not be more than nineteen.
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