“You’re thinking he would be better off dead, aren’t you?” Her voice held no anger, just a resigned bitter sadness.
“Well I…” Laurie spluttered.
“Most people think that way. I only had three boys. Two of them got killed within a week of landing on Gallipoli. Harry was wounded a few days later.”
Laurie picked up the woman’s work roughened hand and gently squeezed her fingers, because she had no words of sympathy to offer.
“The captain’s blind?”
“Yes.” Laurie explained about his injuries. Realizing the woman was lonely, she chatted to her about various other things, trying to steer clear of the war.
*
That night as Laurie lay in bed, turning over the day’s happenings in her mind. How could a woman like Ruby Bates show so much courage when she had suffered such terrible heartache?
If she can do it, so can I. A vision of laughing brown eyes swam before her. I’ll never forget you, Danny, but I have to stop thinking of you all the time, otherwise I’ll go insane.
*
Next morning Laurie shared breakfast with Ruby Bates, who was going over to the hospital to find out when Harry would be discharged. To fill in time until the afternoon, Laurie decided to catch a tram into Melbourne and have a look around.
The tram seemed crowded, and once again she sat in the dummy, preferring this to the closed-in carriage. Alighting in Melbourne, she wandered around for a while, for the first time in ages taking notice of the latest fashions. The streets were crowded with people, surprising really when so many were away on their annual summer holidays.
Numerous motorcars used the road now, and trying to cross from one side of the street to the other was life-threatening. Fate found her outside the little teashop Danny had taken her to all those months ago.
The place had changed little. Sitting at the same table, the empty chair facing her became such a poignant reminder of her previous visit here, tea and sandwiches were all she could manage. A sudden, all-prevailing sadness engulfed her.
*
Laurie arrived at the convalescent home at two o’clock to find Blair’s bed empty. He must be out on the verandah taking some fresh air. She pushed down on a feeling of panic and scolded herself for being foolish.
She was dashing towards the door when a nurse called out.
“I’ve been waiting for you, Miss Cunningham.”
“Is the captain all right?” Was that shaky, scared voice hers?
“Yes.” Laurie slumped against the wall with relief.
“Is he outside? He’s not in bed.”
“Come this way. We’ve transferred him to another room.”
Her heart dropped like a stone. He must be so ill they’d had to move him.
“He is all right.” The nurse gave her arm a comforting pat. “Just needs to be kept quiet for a day or so.”
They came to a door leading into a small room. Heavy drapes drawn across the window kept out the sun. “Well, here she is, Captain.”
Blair limped towards her. “Laurie.” She ran the last few steps and he gathered her into his arms.
“I thought you had taken a turn for the worse.”
He hugged her close, and she felt his lips moving against her hair. His breath, playing through her tousled curls, was warm and somehow comforting.
“I can see.” Laughing, he tightened his arms around her. “The knock on the head did it. A piece of shrapnel has been pressing on a nerve, and when I fell the force must have dislodged it. After I woke up, everything seemed hazy but I could see.” He crushed her even closer. “They put me in a semi-darkened room so my eyes could adjust to the light again.”
“How wonderful.” She rubbed her cheek against his shirt. “What about your memory?” She held her breath, not realizing how she had tensed up until he spoke.
“What’s the matter, Laurie? You’ve become rigid.”
“Can you remember?”
“No.”
She sagged against him in relief.
“Perhaps I need another crack on the head.” He gave a rueful laugh. “Is it so important for me to remember?”
“No. I want you to get your memory back, of course I do, but…” Even as she mouthed the words, a little inner voice whispered if he doesn’t remember, your pretence can continue.
“There is something, isn’t there? Something important has been wiped from my mind, because it frightens you. I sensed your fear.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“No, you were frightened. Don’t deny it. I know what fear is all about. I lived with it, ate and slept with it for months. Now, why did I say that? There are things I remember but they come and go like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, only there’s so much missing, nothing makes any sense.” He broke off and drew her towards the couch. After she was seated, he lowered himself down beside her.
“I can remember lots of noise. It sounded terrible, made my ears ring, but suddenly it went quiet. Strange though, the silence seemed even worse.”
“You wrote to me, describing the noise of the shells and the bombardment. You said they arranged an Armistice for nine hours so each side could bury their dead.”
“An Armistice, yes. I went swimming one day, and met up with Guy Webster, one of my neighbors from home.”
“Anything else?”
“No.” A tremor shuddered through him. “There was something a minute ago, another soldier. He was young, but it wasn’t at Gallipoli, I’m sure of it. Stand up, Laurie, so I can look at you.”
Obediently she did so. Slowly, his eyes traveled over every inch of her, as if he wanted to lock her image into his mind so it wouldn’t escape.
“You’re beautiful, so slim and fragile. How did a great, hulking chap like me choose something so exquisite?”
“Flatterer. What about my red hair? I’ve got a temper to match, I’m warning you,” she teased, feeling happy for him because he could now see. If he got his memory back, he might even grow to love her a little so they could marry. They had both suffered because of the war. Is it too much to ask for a little happiness together, God?
“Come and sit down.” He tugged her hand. When she was seated he cupped her chin with long, slender fingers. “Ah, you’ve got green eyes. Your hair is more auburn than red, I think, but it’s too dull in here to see properly.”
“Do you know Harry Bates?” she asked
“Double amputee?”
“Yes, I met his mother at the hotel, poor thing. His two brothers were killed and Harry is all she’s got left. It isn’t fair.”
“It must be wretched for you coming here, seeing such terrible sights. You’re too young to witness this kind of suffering. I shouldn’t allow it, but I need you desperately. Your visits are the only thing keeping me sane.”
He kissed her on the lips. A mere fleeting touch, but his mouth felt warm and firm against hers. Was she being disloyal to Danny by liking Blair’s caress? If they did marry sometime in the future, would he be disappointed that she was no longer a virgin? She had given to Danny what every husband had a right to expect from his bride. Stop this self flagellation, she scolded. You loved Danny. He was going to marry you. He just wanted something special to take to the war with him, something to sustain him in his darkest hour. Should she tell Blair? Oh, God, she couldn’t. She forced herself to concentrate on what he was saying.
“All morning I’ve been walking up and down, exercising my leg. I have to get well quickly so I can take you away from all the sadness here. You’ll love Coolibah, I know. It’s so peaceful there. We’ll be able to forget all about the war, not even read a newspaper if we don’t want to. Do you ride?”
“Yes, I love it.”
“Good, we have horses, but I’ll buy you a special one, for your own use. A neighbor of mine has a horse stud. He’s got cattle, as well, but breeds horses as a sideline.”
“I’d love a horse of my own. We could go on long rides together, mustering even?”
“L
ong rides yes, mustering no.” He shook his head. “I’ll write to Fergie tonight.”
“Fergie?”
“My housekeeper, Mrs. Ferguson. As a child I called her Fergie. I couldn’t pronounce Ferguson, I suppose. She lives at the homestead in self-contained quarters.”
“Sounds wonderful, but it must be a while since you were there. Maybe it’s changed.”
“No, it won’t have changed, I’m sure of it. Must be eighteen months or more since I was last there. Most of the young stockmen have joined up, so the place would be running with a few old timers. Things might have slipped back a little with the lack of manpower, but I promise you this, the bush and the peace and serenity never change.”
“I love the country. I couldn’t live in the city for long, there’s too much bustle and noise for me.”
“That’s how I feel.” He hugged her tight. “Now I can see, we can get married straight away. I’ll take you to Coolibah as my bride.”
No words of love she thought with a pang, just a proposal of marriage.
“I can’t, Blair, not yet.”
“What is it? Did something happen? I mean…” He muttered a swear word. “I don’t know what I mean. My memory might never return, have you thought of that? If this shrapnel moves, I might go blind again. I’m not much of a prospect, am I?”
“I don’t care. Let’s wait another couple of months, and then if your memory hasn’t returned, I’ll marry you.”
“Can’t you tell me what worries you? It couldn’t be anything you did. It has to be me.”
“Please, just forget about it. Get well quickly so you can take me to Coolibah.”
He sighed. “If that’s how you want it.”
“It has to be like this. It wouldn’t be fair otherwise.” She desperately wanted to tell him the truth now about her charade, but she didn’t dare. Not only would she risk losing his good opinion of her, it could prove dangerous for him to receive such a shock. It was dreadful living a lie. Guilt weighed her down, but what could she do? If his memory did not return, one of her secrets would be safe, but the other one? Would an experienced man of the world, as he undoubtedly was, be able to tell?
The rest of the afternoon sped by. Blair spoke about his property with such pride in his voice she was moved, and Helen had wanted him to sell it.
The next few days passed in a similar fashion. Blair did not venture out into the direct sunlight for three days, but once he became accustomed to the light, he always waited on the verandah for her.
*
Laurie caught her heel in her dress and ripped the hem down. “Damn.” By the time she had finished sewing it up, it was really late.
Mrs. Bates caught up with her in the hallway.
“Hello, Laurie.”
“Mrs. Bates, how are you?”
“Good. My brother and his wife have gone to pick Harry up in their car. We’re taking him home today.”
“I’m so glad for you.” She gently squeezed the old lady’s fingers.
She was anxious to see Blair but did not have the heart to cut Mrs. Bates short. The poor thing obviously felt nervous and apprehensive about taking Harry home.
The car arrived eventually and Laurie waved to Mrs. Bates and her son as they drove off. Please, God, let things work out for them, she prayed, they’ve suffered enough pain already.
She was so late now that she started running as she neared the hospital. Blair waited by the gates, staring straight ahead.
“Laurie.” She ran into his arms and he hugged her close.
“Sorry for being late, I got caught up with Mrs. Bates. Harry went home today.” Her eyes filled with tears thinking of the other woman’s plight.
“Yes, I know. Some relatives came for him. You feel things too deeply.”
He kissed her on the mouth. It was a gentle caress, but her lips trembled.
“Oh, darling,” he groaned, crushing her to him.
His mouth took hers with a hungry desperation, and as his kiss deepened, she wanted it never to end.
“Oh, my God.” He pulled away and thrust his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”
“It’s all right, I liked it,” she admitted shyly.
Arm in arm they strolled together. He still limped, but he did not lean so heavily against her now.
“I see the doctors again tomorrow. If I get the all-clear, we could be home for the weekend.” He broke off frowning. “Would you want to see your father first? I suppose I should speak to him about us.”
“No, Dad will understand about me wanting to go with you. Do you think we could leave soon? I have to admit I won’t be sorry to get out of Melbourne.”
“Me either. You’ve been sweet about everything, staying here in the city when you prefer the country. Coming to see me every day. It’s not much of a life for a young lady, but I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”
“I didn’t mind too much.”
“I’ve written to Fergie saying we’ll be home soon. All I have to wait for is the doctor’s report. I’m confident about being discharged, though. They need my bed. There are so many other men much worse off than I am now.”
Steven sat in his wheelchair on the lawn with two pretty girls giving him their full attention, and he smiled and waved. Laurie returned his greeting cheerfully. She would miss these brave young men when it was time to leave, but oh, to feel the fresh country air blowing in her face and smell the quintessential perfume of the bush again.
Blair had made no declaration of love, and he obviously did not think it strange she did not mention the word, either. Once he left the confines of the hospital, he would expect things to be different. Would he want to do more than merely kiss her? Could she pretend she was still a virgin? Oh, God, if he found out, would he despise her? Think of her as a fallen woman? A harlot?
Chapter Seven
Laurie’s first impression of Coolibah homestead was of a mellow, single-storied, colonial style house built from yellow sandstone. It had a hipped roof, with stone columns supporting the timber verandah that encircled the house.
A huge gum tree dominated the front garden, and as they drove up a winding, pine-lined drive, she caught her breath at the sheer beauty of it all.
“What do you think of it?”
“It’s beautiful,” she said in an emotional whisper. How had he ever been able to leave it?
“I thought you’d like it.” He squeezed her hand, but made no other show of affection. Had he been so distant and correct with Helen? Did they ever make love as she and Danny had? The impact of those disturbing thoughts shocked her.
In the distance, neatly laid out, were stockyards and numerous outbuildings. He pointed to the men’s quarters, which were built of hardwood planks and undressed poles.
Everything dozed in the hot afternoon sun. Contented cattle grazed in distant, neatly fenced paddocks.
“I haven’t seen any sheep yet.”
“They’re on another smaller property a few miles from here.” What a change had come over him, now he was home. The strained tension disappeared, color returned to his pale cheeks.
It had been a dreadful rush over the last couple of days. She’d made a quick trip into Melbourne to buy new clothes, which Blair had insisted on paying for. He’d organized a motorized taxi to pick them up from the convalescent home and take them to the railway station. In fact, he arranged everything with military precision. It was reassuring to have a capable man take charge of everything, instead of struggling to do things alone.
On their arrival at the small country railroad siding, he persuaded a local youth to drive them the fifteen miles to Coolibah station. Now they were actually here, Laurie could feel the tension of the last few days draining away, leaving her with a feeling of excited anticipation.
Three people waited for them on the front verandah. An enormous elderly woman, who must have been all of twenty stone in weight, detached herself from the others and waddled forward with outstretched a
rms. When Blair climbed down from the buggy, he was engulfed in a bear hug and almost lifted off his feet.
“Mr. Blair, let me look at you. Oh, you’re so pale and thin, you poor lamb.” The woman’s eyes brimmed with tears.
“Fergie, it’s good to be back. You’ll never know how I longed for some of your home-cooked meals. I especially missed your apple pies.”
“Go along with you.” She chuckled with pleasure.
“I want you to meet Laurie Cunningham. Laurie, this is Mrs. Ferguson, the best cook in Victoria.” Blair gave a boyish grin.
“Hello, Mrs. Ferguson.” Laurie felt shy and awkward.
“Call me Fergie. Mr. Blair wrote saying how kind you were to him.”
Laurie’s heart gave a little skip. Instinctively she felt the old housekeeper approved of her.
The others came up now to shake Blair’s hand. A wiry middle-aged man with sandy-colored hair was Angus MacLeod, the manager. He shook Laurie’s hand with such vigor, she forced herself not to look at her fingers to check whether they’d been snapped off or not.
The other man was introduced as Wally Morgan, blacksmith and horse breaker. “How are you, boss?” he drawled, grinning broadly as he nodded to Laurie.
“Hello, Mr. Morgan.”
“Aw, call me Wally.”
The men wore stockmen’s work clothes, grey shirts, white moleskin trousers and black leggings. Mrs. Ferguson’s print frock was almost hidden behind a huge white apron.
“Come in for some tea, Tom?” Blair invited the youth who had driven them out to Coolibah.
“No thanks, boss.” He lifted his hat to Laurie, and they all waited on the verandah until he drove away.
“Come along now. My, you are a pretty girl, such hair.” Mrs. Ferguson chattered almost nonstop, and Laurie found herself liking this kindly, garrulous woman.
A carpeted hall led into a large sitting room with comfortable early Victorian furniture. Her eyes were drawn to a huge timber over-mantel that had slender beveled-edged pillars. A large mirror, set above this, had an intricately carved frame.
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