Deeper Water

by Jessie Cole

  Suddenly it was plain smoky and we wound the windows up.

  ‘It must be close,’ I whispered, peering towards home. We were quiet then and I turned to check the babies. They weren’t asleep yet, but hypnotised-looking, eyes all misty.

  Sophie switched on the local radio to find out if there were any reports, but there was just an old country song playing. She put her foot on the accelerator and we surged forward. I could feel her anxiety mingling with mine. It seemed airless inside the car, but I didn’t want to wind the window down.

  In the back, Lila started to grizzle. I turned around and clutched her foot.

  ‘It’s okay, little one,’ I murmured, but I was worried. ‘We’re nearly home.’

  Sophie was pale as we drove up our driveway and saw how thick the smoke was, but we both breathed out when we saw the house come into view.

  ‘Baby-girl,’ Sophie said absently, looking around for Mum, ‘I better drop you here and run. Check that my place is alright.’ I still couldn’t see any sign of fire, just lots of smoke. ‘I’ll whip over and come back.’

  I stepped out.

  ‘Alright.’ I nodded, shutting the door and peering down at her through the window. ‘But don’t be long.’

  Watching her drive off, I wondered if I should have tried to make her stay, but it was too late now, she was gone. I looked around for Mum and found her out the back, up a ladder clutching the hose, filling the gutters with water.

  ‘Mema,’ her voice was shaky, ‘can you hold the ladder for me?’

  Rushing over, I grabbed the metal sides. Mum didn’t much like heights.

  ‘What’s happening?’ I called up to her.

  She didn’t answer, just adjusted the hose.

  ‘We never get fires in the wet season. It only flooded two weeks ago. Everything’s still soggy—’

  ‘Mema.’ Mum cut me off. ‘You got to stay here with me.’

  I nodded. I was holding the ladder, where else would I go?

  ‘You promise me?’ She looked me hard in the face. ‘Promise.’

  ‘I promise.’

  ‘It’s Jim’s place, darling.’ It might have been the smoke, but Mum’s eyes looked teary. ‘It’s got to be deliberate.’

  Anja.

  My whole body started to tremble. I was clutching the ladder so hard my fingers turned white. I couldn’t let go. Mum started clambering down towards me and when she got close to the bottom she turned around and tugged me free and into her arms.

  ‘The forest’s still damp, hopefully it won’t take. Frank’s gone up there. The fire engine’s coming.’

  I couldn’t speak. My face was frozen.

  ‘Jim’s in the lockup in town. Frank said he got in a brawl last night at the pub.’ Mum was staring at the mountain behind us. ‘The wind’s blowing up the mountain now but the minute it changes, we’ve got to get in the car and drive.’

  ‘Anja?’ I choked out, hanging onto my mum like a life buoy.

  She couldn’t look at me, but the lines on her forehead were hard and deep.

  ‘No one’s seen her,’ Mum croaked. ‘Come on, you got to help me pack stuff in the car. I’ve got Thor and the pup in there already.’

  It was Anja’s fire. That much I knew.

  ‘Where’s Sophie?’ Mum asked, still holding on to me. She peered over my shoulder, like she’d expected her to be right there.

  I shook my head, trying to clear my brain. ‘She went back to check the cabin. We didn’t know how close it was.’

  I could feel Mum’s body tense around me. ‘Why would she do that?’

  ‘We didn’t know where the fire was,’ I stammered out.

  ‘The wind’s blowing it the other way from her.’ Mum stared in the direction of Sophie’s cabin even though you couldn’t see it from our house.

  ‘Do you think she’s in it?’ I whispered.

  ‘No, she’ll just grab the photos and get the kids out. She’s got her head screwed on right.’

  ‘Anja.’ My eyes brimmed. ‘I mean Anja.’

  I pulled myself free of my mother’s hold.

  ‘Please don’t go up there, Baby-girl. Please.’ I’d never heard her plead. ‘Frank’s already up there. You can’t do more.’ Her voice was breaking at the edges. ‘I can’t have you all scattered. You stay here.’

  I looked up the mountain. The bush was so thick, there was nothing to see. Just the smoke around us, filling the sky. I didn’t say a word, but the tears started slipping from my eyes. Mum reached out and swept them away with the flat of her hand, rough, like she used to do with my brothers.

  ‘She’ll be okay, she’s as wily as a cat,’ Mum said softly. ‘Maybe it was time she burned that place down.’ She pulled me up the steps and inside the back door. ‘You got to grab what you want. We don’t have time to dilly-dally.’

  I looked around the house. All our things scattered about. There was nothing I needed. Mum started rushing around but I just stood stock still. Then I went to my room. My clothes all hanging where I’d left them, my unmade bed with the dirty towel, all my sticks and rocks and nests. I couldn’t make any kind of decision. What to take and what to let go? I looked out the window, the rolling green of the hills, smoke settling like mist, and then I saw it. Smoke drifting up in a new column. And straight away I knew what it was.

  The shack.

  I was out the door and running before Mum could think to stop me.

  ‘Mema!’ I could hear her yelling behind me, but I didn’t even slow. I knew she couldn’t follow with her bung knees.

  The smoke spiralled in the distance, billowing up in curls. I focused on it as I ran, the heat of the day bearing down on me, nothing but Anja in my mind. When I got closer I saw the glow. Panting, my face slick with sweat, I ran towards the fire till I could see the lick of the flames.

  Stopping then, I watched the burning shack. Even from a distance it radiated heat. Fire flickered out from the crooked windows, caressing the edges of the open door. Parts of the roof thudded to the ground, all the debris hissing and crackling within. In the distance I could hear the wail of the fire engine heading up the hill, but it barely registered.

  The burning shack stood on open ground, not hemmed in by the bush like Jim’s place on the hill. There were a few big old camphors along the fence line, but not close enough for the fire to spread—it’d just burn itself out. I scanned the paddocks for Anja and saw her sitting a little way off, clutching her knees. From this distance she looked lost and small, crushed. Keeping well clear of the heat, I moved towards her. When I got close I saw she had a big metal petrol container. She was perched beside it on the grass. They were heavy, those things, hard to carry. I had a vision of her dragging it cross-country.

  ‘Anja,’ I called out softly. She turned towards my voice, eyes a little glazed. She was smudged with black and at first I thought it was soot, but when I reached her I realised it was bruising. All along the side of her face, her arms. One black eye, busted lip.

  ‘He gotcha real bad,’ I said, rage rising inside me. If Jim was here I swear I would have struck him down. I wanted to touch her but I didn’t know how. I stood there, hot and helpless beside her. She seemed to focus on me then, take me in.

  ‘All along I thought it was him,’ she whispered, ‘but it wasn’t.’

  I crouched down. ‘Who?’

  ‘The flood guy.’

  I didn’t know what she was getting at. Her blonde hair was sticking to her cheeks. I stretched a hand towards her but she flinched away from my touch.

  ‘It was him.’ She was twitching a little, eyes large and spooked. ‘Billy.’

  ‘Billy?’ I guess I mustn’t have been thinking straight to ask that.

  Her fist clenched, gripping something.

  ‘What you got?’ I asked, holding out my palm.

  She looked at me, face brittle, and then she uncurled her fingers. I could see them there, sun-bleached and stiff, my crumpled undies. The ones I’d left at the shack days before. I was hot alread
y, half-baked by the fire and the sun, but I could feel my face start to burn. I leaned forward to grab them but she sprang away out of my reach.

  ‘How could you?’ She choked on the words. ‘With him?’

  I had no answer to that. All I’d done with Billy flashed before my eyes. It seemed a world away, in the cool of the darkness. It didn’t hold up in the light of day.

  ‘Anja …’ I didn’t know how to set things right. ‘I just …’

  ‘We were happy, weren’t we?’ she asked, eyes filling up.

  I nodded, holding out my hand, willing her to move towards me. She looked away, staring at the fire. I stepped up a bit closer and she took off then, straight down towards the shack.

  I could hear myself scream and then I was running too, right into the heart of it. Up close the heat was blistering and we both stopped short. I grabbed at her arm, clinging on hard, but she wrestled with me, elbowing herself free. Losing my balance, I crumpled sideways onto the scorched grass. From the ground I watched as she lobbed my undies straight into the fire. They were swallowed up without a sound—a millisecond in time—and the shack began to slowly sag and collapse inwards, a new blast of heat bursting out. Anja stood there mesmerised, watching the whole thing burn. I tried to scramble up, but the way I’d fallen I was struggling, the heat pulsing against my face.

  ‘Anja,’ I called to her, and she pulled me up, tugging me backwards along the grass towards the petrol container. Once we were there, we carried it further back, under the shade of the nearest tree, and collapsed together onto the ground. The container was empty now, so it wasn’t so heavy. The shape of the shack had vanished. All that was left was a bonfire.

  Anja turned towards me, her fury gone.

  ‘I can’t stay here, Mema. Dad’ll kill me.’

  I shook my head, curling on my side to face her. ‘No, he’s in the lockup.’

  ‘I burned his place down. You know how long he’s been building that.’ Her lips turned up at the corner. The smallest smile. For the first time I noticed there was no lipstick. I don’t think she was wearing make-up at all. ‘When he gets out he’s going to fucking kill me.’

  ‘You can live with us.’ I smoothed her hair back from her face. Up close, Anja had freckles. I couldn’t usually see them under the foundation. She looked young, just a girl. ‘Mum won’t mind.’

  ‘I should have left years ago.’

  I knew I’d cry then, even if she wouldn’t.

  ‘There’s something wrong with me, Mema,’ she whispered. ‘I can’t stay away from him.’

  ‘He’s your dad.’

  She grasped my hand, holding my fingers to her lips. ‘No, it’s more than that. It’s like a sickness. I fight it but I never win.’

  I didn’t know what to say to that. I could feel them, all the tears welling up in the back of my throat.

  ‘They’ll charge me with arson.’

  ‘They’ll know he deserved it. They’ll take one look at your face.’

  Anja shook her head slowly. ‘I have to go. Today.’

  She leaned towards me then, kissing me softly on the mouth. All I could do was cry.

  We both sensed him before we could see him. Sitting up we watched as he materialised at the side of the paddock, walking slowly towards us. Billy. He glanced at the burning shack, but he didn’t stop. We sat there huddled together, Anja and me. I didn’t bother trying to wipe away my tears.

  He stopped at the edge of the shade, just looking at us.

  ‘Burning shit?’ he said finally, and Anja flicked her sweaty hair half-heartedly, staring him down.

  He looked at the ground for a minute and I took in the contours of his face. He was beautiful, even in the hot sun, even in the broad daylight. My stomach dipped strangely.

  ‘So, you guys lezzos or what?’ He asked it straight up, but I could see he was hurting. Then I thought of the man on the street, of what he’d said to me. Heard you been fucking Billy’s brains out.

  I shook my head, lips trembling, mouth wet. ‘We just … love each other.’

  Anja gripped my hand hard.

  ‘You fucking around with me, were ya?’ he threw at me. ‘Why’d you do that if you loved her?’ He kicked at the dirt, tearing up tufts of grass. ‘You playing with me?’

  A game. I wriggled free of Anja’s grasp. ‘I …’

  ‘She was just trying it out,’ Anja said, looking at me sideways. I knew that’s what I’d told Jim in the hut. Out there in the open paddock it shamed me.

  There was silence between us, stretching out.

  ‘But weren’t you?’ I asked Billy, finally, stumbling to my feet, pulling Anja up beside me. ‘Isn’t that what you were doing? Trying it out?’

  He shook his head, real slow. ‘I always had a thing for you. Ever since I was a kid. But I couldn’t even get near.’

  It was odd hearing those words. It was as though I’d known it all along, but somehow pretended I hadn’t. All the years Billy had been watching me.

  ‘Why’d you have to tell everyone?’ I asked, the feel of the man’s grip still on my arm.

  Surprise flashed across his face. I could feel Anja shifting beside me, taking in my words.

  ‘I didn’t tell everyone, I only told Johnno.’ He hung his head then.

  I shrugged. Telling Johnno was telling everyone, he knew that. ‘You know what that makes me, don’t you?’

  There was no way he couldn’t.

  ‘Slag,’ Anja whispered. ‘The town bike. Whore.’ All those words we’d been hearing for years.

  We stood there, the three of us, Billy still kicking at the dirt. My head was starting to throb and my throat was dry. I needed some water. Anja flicked her hair again, like she’d made a decision.

  ‘You think you could get me out of here?’ she asked Billy, standing up straighter, trying to tug her clothes right. ‘Put me on the bus? Out of town?’

  ‘Anja, please don’t go.’ I felt like I was cracking right down the middle. ‘You don’t have to.’

  Billy looked from her to me and back again. I could see him checking out her bruises.

  ‘Her dad’s a fucking nutjob,’ he said to me. ‘She should tell the police.’

  Anja shook her head, tilting her chin up, defiant. ‘Will you take me?’ She didn’t look across to me, not once.

  Billy turned around, watching the smoulder of the burning shack. I guess he was thinking it over. The flames were lower now, it was burning down.

  ‘I’ll take ya,’ he said finally.

  I felt myself sag, like I was crumpling inside, but Anja was jittery, ready to go.

  ‘You want to come?’ Billy asked me. ‘For the drive?’

  All I could do was shake my head. I thought of my mum back at home, filling up the gutters on her own.

  Anja grabbed my arm then, pulling me towards her, bending down so her forehead touched mine. She stared at me hard, like she was scorching the image of me into her brain.

  ‘Don’t go,’ I whispered, even though I knew once she’d made up her mind there was no way to change it.

  ‘Butterfly kiss,’ she murmured back, bending down further to blink her lashes against my check, just like when we were kids.

  ‘You got money?’ I asked. ‘Where will you go?’

  She stepped back, pulling some twenties out of her pocket. ‘I’ll head north, like the boys. I’ll find them.’

  I nodded, unsteady. That was as good a plan as any.

  ‘You got money?’ I asked Billy. ‘You’ll give her some?’

  I was crying again, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

  ‘I’ll give her what I got,’ he said with a nod, and in that moment I could have loved him.

  Billy picked up the petrol container as though it didn’t weigh a thing. ‘Better get rid of this while we’re at it,’ he said, motioning for them to get going.

  And just like that they headed off across the paddock. Back the way Billy had come, wary of each other, their backs bristling like a couple of stra
y cats. I watched them till they were out of sight, my heart heavy inside my chest, and with one last look at the smouldering shack I headed home.

  27.

  When the house came into sight I could see they’d been watching for me. Sophie and Mum and the babies sitting on the steps, Frank standing off to the side, the pup at his heels. Rory scrambled up and ran towards me, full-pelt, and I braced myself for when he threw his little body into my arms.

  Thirsty and hot, my head pounded, but I caught him and held him tight against me.

  ‘There was a fire,’ he said against my ear. ‘Mummy was scared.’

  ‘Did the fire engine come?’ I whispered back. There was nothing Rory loved more than trucks.

  He nodded. ‘Nanny was scared too.’

  ‘Did you see it?’

  He pulled back, looking up at my face, eyes large and dark, searching. I guess he was trying to figure out if I was scared too.

  ‘Fire’s hot, Mema.’ He smoothed a finger along my arm. ‘You can’t touch it. Mummy says.’

  I rubbed my chin along the top of his head and leaned down to kiss his cheek. He squirmed away from me and I let him slide to the ground.

  ‘I know … no kisses,’ I said, but I held out my hand and he took it.

  We walked together towards the steps. Though the air around us was still smoky, I could tell the fire up on the hill was out. I wondered what was left up there. Bits of Jim’s rickety door house? Anja’s hut? Or nothing but a bunch of ashes?

  Sophie and Mum stood up as I got close, making room for me to come inside.

  ‘You didn’t bring her back?’ Sophie asked, sliding Lila from one hip to the other. ‘She alright?’

  I hobbled up the steps and straight inside. I needed a drink of water. The others followed behind me. Standing at the sink I filled a glass and gulped it down quick.

  ‘Mema?’ Mum asked from behind me.

  ‘She’s a bit bruised,’ I said turning around, voice all broken. ‘But she’s gone.’

  Frank remained in the doorway. I watched him slowly put on his hat. He nodded to my mum and then he made to go. He’d waited to see me home safe. It was the smallest thing—him caring about me—but it made me feel like my chest might burst right open.