She was surely glad she’d changed hers. Nancy stepped on to the bus and paid her fare, relieved that she hadn’t been waiting too long. The sooner she got Carol to the Rotunda the better. She slipped a Polo mint into her mouth. Thanks to Nadine she’d become addicted.
* * *
‘Carol’s gone into labour.’ Katie yawned, nearly breaking her jaw. Jessie had just sent her a text to tell her the news. She snuggled against Sean in the big double bed. They were both working night shifts, which meant they could have an early breakfast together before falling into bed, bog-eyed with tiredness. As often as not their shifts clashed so the past few weeks it had been a rare treat for them to spend a lot of time together. Katie was as happy as she’d ever been in her life.
‘Well, at least her family seems to have rallied round, from what you’ve been telling me, so that’s good.’ Sean smiled at her and tucked her in closer to him. ‘Should we visit?’
‘You must be mad, Sean!’ Katie exclaimed indignantly. Since she no longer shared a house with Jessie she had little or nothing to do with Carol and that was just how she liked it.
‘Look at the mad head on you, would you calm down, my dear woman?’ Sean laughed at her. ‘It wouldn’t kill us to show the girl a bit of kindness, she’s had it tough.’
‘Listen, mister, you go if you want to. I’m not. Not after the way she insulted you.’ Katie was hopping mad.
‘She never insulted me that I can remember.’ Sean looked at her, surprised.
‘I just never told you about it, but she was a right wagon.’ Katie’s cheeks reddened at the memory of Carol’s insult to her precious darling.
‘Why? What did she say?’ Sean leaned up on one elbow and twirled a russet curl around his finger as he smiled down at her, amused at her indignation.
‘She called you her “leavings”. She told me I was welcome to her “leavings”! The absolute cheek of her.’ Time had not lessened the insult in Katie’s eyes.
Sean whistled. ‘Way to go, Carol.’ He grinned at her, blue eyes twinkling. ‘And imagine she survived to tell the tale,’ he teased.
‘Huh! I couldn’t say much. It was the day of the wedding and there was enough drama going on,’ Katie said regretfully.
‘Just as well.’ Sean leaned down and kissed her slowly. ‘You know we only ever snogged,’ he said reassuringly.
‘Am I a much better kisser?’ Katie demanded.
‘Much better. Far superior! The best kisser in the universe,’ Sean assured her.
‘Are you going to visit her?’
‘Perhaps not. I wouldn’t like to be murdered in my bed. A red-headed Scorpio is not to be tangled with, as I’ve found to my cost,’ he murmured, nuzzling her earlobe.
‘Sensible boy.’ Katie sighed with pleasure. ‘This Scorpio is all yours . . . ’
* * *
Carol mopped the kitchen floor, glad that her waters had broken on the creamy tiles rather than in the sitting-room or bedroom. It had been such a strange sensation, that sudden hot wet gush. Her heart had lurched in excited terror. Her baby was ready to come. Who would have thought that the night of its conception was the last time she and Gary had slept together? What an irony, she thought, as she gazed out into her sunlit patio, which, thanks to Nancy, was full of tubs of colourful petunias and Busy Lizzies and scented stocks and geraniums.
This time last year she’d been living in a flat in Phibsboro, feeling beleaguered and unhappy, wondering if Gary was ever going to marry her. Now she had her own smart new townhouse high on a hill in Glasnevin, overlooking the Botanic Gardens and the Tolka River. A small secondhand Fiat Uno was parked outside. She’d taken a refresher course in driving and bought a car. She’d done a lot with herself once she’d walked away from Gary and realized that she had to get on with things, she thought proudly.
It hadn’t been easy going back to the flat a couple of days after her wedding drama. She’d wondered if Gary would be there. It was with a stomach-lurching sense of shock that she’d realized when she opened the door that all his stuff was gone. He’d left a curt note and she could still remember it.
Carol,
I expect to be reimbursed for all wedding expenses,
Gary.
Had she not been pregnant she would have coughed up. After all, fair was fair. She had called off the wedding at literally the last second. But she needed every penny she could lay her hands on, she reasoned – she had her baby to think of. In a temper at his mercenary attitude she’d phoned him.
‘What do you want?’ His surly reply stiffened her resolve.
‘Gary, I’m pregnant. I’m looking for a house for our child. If I have any money left over I’ll be delighted to give it to you,’ she snapped.
‘You’re pregnant!’
She could sense his shock in the silence that followed and then he’d uttered the ultimate insult. ‘Are you sure it’s mine?’ he asked nastily.
Disgusted, she’d hung up. That was low, even for Gary. She knew there and then that she was on her own and that he wouldn’t have any involvement in their child’s life. Once Carol knew what she was facing she got on with it.
Fortunately the lending agencies were dishing out loans right, left and centre and interest rates were low. She’d secured her mortgage with very little hassle and had got the keys to her new home by Christmas. Even though it was still a building site she didn’t care. She and Nadine and Nancy had spent quite a jolly Christmas shopping for bits and pieces to furnish the place. Mike and Jessie had come and spent a weekend with her, and for the first time in her life she’d truly appreciated Jessie’s friendship. She’d been so encouraging and full of admiration for her new house. It had been fun having them to stay, and it had been almost like old times when they’d gone for a drink in the tennis club.
People had been surprisingly kind to her. Her friends in the tennis club had clubbed together and given her a substantial gift voucher for Arnotts at her house-warming party. She’d bought her kitchenware and bathroom essentials and bedlinen for the two divans in her guest room with it. Their support had meant a lot to her. Even when she’d no longer been able to play tennis she’d still gone to watch the matches and keep in touch, a couple of times a week. Gary had stopped playing there and it was a relief knowing that she wouldn’t bump into him. She’d heard on the grapevine that he was renting a place in Smithfield and dating a solicitor. Carol didn’t care any more. He’d stepped over a boundary that there was no going back from. He was history and she was looking forward to her future. A future that she was perfectly capable of providing for herself.
She loved putting the key into her own front door. It gave her a great sense of security and a great sense of pride. She’d done it on her own. She didn’t need Bill and she didn’t need Gary – she’d proved that to herself well and truly. If she ever had a relationship with a man again, and she hoped that she would, she wouldn’t be coming at it from neediness. Her next relationship would be a relationship of equals.
But best of all out of those turbulent few days last year was the knowledge that when she needed them most, Nancy and Nadine had been there for her.
She heard her mother’s key in the lock and hurried out to greet her.
‘Are you ready to go?’ Nancy’s eyes were sparkling with anticipation. She was really looking forward to the birth of her first grandchild. Carol was thrilled about that.
‘Yep, I’ve got my case.’ She looked at her mother. ‘Ma, I’m scared,’ she admitted as a contraction gripped her.
‘Breathe deep like they showed us at your class. You’ll be fine – take whatever they give you, no need to be brave.’ Nancy gave her a comforting hug.
‘Ouch, it hurts!’ Carol yelled indignantly as hot pokers of pain gripped her.
Nancy laughed. ‘Of course it does. I’ll phone for the taxi.’
The next morning at seven a.m., after a long, tiring labour, Carol lay in bed holding her newborn daughter. She had a shock of black hair and the tightest little gri
p. She was gorgeous, and Carol felt an overwhelming sense of love and happiness infuse every cell in her body. This beautiful child made up for every hurt, grief and pain she had ever suffered. This was perfection, she thought as she kissed her baby’s downy cheek.
‘We’re going to take her now so you can rest,’ the nurse told her firmly.
‘Just let me hold her for another little while – we have to bond,’ Carol pleaded.
‘The pair of you are well bonded,’ the nurse laughed understandingly, ‘but all right then, another ten minutes.’
This was the best, the greatest, moment of her life and she wanted it to last for as long as it possibly could.
43
The Anniversary
* * *
It was hard to believe that a year had passed since Carol had left him at the altar. Gary eased himself out of the bed, not wanting to disturb the tousle-headed young woman sprawled asleep beside him.
Why was this day bothering him so much, he wondered gloomily. He’d been dreading it for the past week. It was just another day to all intents and purposes.
It was knowing that he had a daughter that bothered him and made him feel like a heel. He knew he’d behaved like a bastard. Asking Carol if the baby was his was beyond the pale. It was shock that had made him say it. The shock of hearing that she was pregnant. He knew in his heart of hearts that the baby was his. Carol had had a period the week before she went to Kilkenny; he remembered her saying she was glad it was over before she went away for her hen night. It had to have been the night they slept together when she was upset over the row with Jessica. How ironic that Carol, who had kept him at arm’s length because of her fear of getting pregnant, should get caught just before the wedding. If she’d known about it on their wedding day, he had to admire her guts in walking away from him.
One of his mates on the tennis circuit had told him that he was a father. Carol hadn’t got in contact. He didn’t know whether to be sorry or glad. He was as free as a bird, he was having a great time socially, and he was dating a hot babe, who didn’t want any strings. How lucky could a guy get? His life was so different from what it had been a year ago when he had made that interminable journey to the church, dressed up like a dog’s dinner, wanting to be a million miles away and feeling utterly trapped. It was good to have closure on that chapter of his life. There was no point in hanging on to the past.
He didn’t want to be facing maintenance and visiting rights and all the responsibilities that having a child entailed. Sometimes when he saw small babies he wondered what his daughter looked like. But he never lingered on those thoughts. It was only sentimental foolishness and he was far from sentimental. He missed Carol, though. He missed their sparring. He missed the way she used to chivvy him to eat properly. He missed their humdingers of tennis matches when neither would give an inch. He missed knowing that even though she pretended not to be, she’d been mad about him.
His new girlfriend loved parties and clubs and drinking as much as he did, but there were times he wearied of the same old thing. One thing about Carol, he’d never been bored with her.
Gary sighed deeply and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. He had the life he wanted, he reflected ruefully, why on this day of all days did he have the horrible feeling that it wasn’t enough?
* * *
‘Daddy, why are you sad?’ a little voice asked anxiously.
‘I’m not sad, Ben. Why did you say that?’ Bill came to with a start.
‘ ’Cos you look sad!” his son said perceptively.
They were watching cartoons on TV while Brona had her shower.
‘I wish I didn’t have to go to the crèche today,’ Ben announced, flicking the pages of his favourite book of dinosaurs.
‘Why not?’ his father asked, wiping Coco Pops off his chin.
‘Just wish,’ Ben sighed.
‘I wish I didn’t have to go to work,’ Bill declared, kissing the top of his son’s head.
‘Can we stay home, Dad, just you an’ me an’ have a boys’ day like Mom likes us to?’
‘On Saturday,’ Bill told him.
‘Aw, Dad, is it not Saturday today?’ Ben was crestfallen.
‘No.’ Deep, deep sighs followed this pronouncement, and Bill felt a pang as he looked at his son’s despondent face.
He was feeling pretty despondent himself. It was a year ago today that Carol and Nadine had firmly and viciously closed the door in his face, and he had to face the hard fact that he was no longer part of their lives. They didn’t want him and he didn’t see that changing in the future. His only hope was that Carol might in time soften her attitude towards him now that she had a child of her own.
Nancy had phoned him at work to tell him the news. She felt he should know that he was a grandfather. They’d chatted awkwardly at first, but at least there was no longer huge animosity between them. He’d phoned her about six weeks later just to see how things were and they’d had quite a civil conversation. Nancy seemed much calmer in herself. She’d told him that she was in AA. He was delighted for her. That was a big step, and a brave one.
A thought struck him. This day last year had been an absolute disaster; he should do something today to counteract the bad memories.
‘Hey, pal, you’re right. Let’s have a boys’ day,’ he said impulsively.
‘Yeah, Dad.’ Ben launched himself on him gleefully.
‘What’s going on?’ Brona demanded. ‘Look, you haven’t even put his shoes on, we’ll be late,’ she tutted.
‘It’s OK, Brona, I’m going to take a day’s leave. We’re going to have a boys’ day today.’
‘Why? What’s brought this on?’ She was perplexed.
‘I just want to spend some quality time with my son and I’ve built up a lot of flexi time. I need to take some.’
‘What about me?’ she pouted.
‘Dinner in Wongs tonight?’ he invited.
‘Sure!’ She brightened up. ‘See you later, and have fun.’ She kissed him on the cheek, rumpled Ben’s hair and click-clacked her way across the wooden floor to the front door. Bill watched her leave. At least they were back on a fairly even keel. He’d never mentioned the events of Carol’s wedding day to her, and she’d never brought up the subject of his daughters again. It was best to leave it at that.
‘Let’s go to Dollymount when I’ve had my breakfast,’ he suggested to his son.
‘Deadly, Daddy,’ the little boy exclaimed, and Bill hid a grin. The expressions he picked up at the crèche were a constant source of amusement.
Two hours later they were building sandcastles on the beach. Ben shrieked with delight as the waves washed over the toes of his wellingtons.
It was a warm, breezy day. Fortunately the wind was from the south, protecting them from the autumn chill. He watched his son playing with carefree exuberance and wondered how his granddaughter was faring. On impulse he took his phone out of his fleece pocket and scrolled down to Nancy’s number.
‘Hello,’ she said, cheerfully enough.
‘It’s me,’ he said awkwardly.
‘I know, your name came up in my screen. What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing, I was just wondering how everyone was. How’s the baby?’
‘She’s a dote. I’ve just finished feeding her.’
‘Oh! Is Carol in Wicklow?’
‘No, herself and Amanda and Nadine have gone for a beauty day and a meal in a leisure centre in Clontarf and I’m babysitting.’
‘So you’re in Glasnevin?’
‘Yes. It’s the anniversary. Carol wanted to do something positive so I said I’d come up and mind my precious dote,’ Nancy said almost gaily.
‘I’d love to see her.’ The words were out before he realized it.
There was silence on the other end of the phone. Then Nancy asked, ‘Are you at work?’
‘No,’ he responded. ‘I’m on a day off. I’m with Ben on the beach.’
‘I was going to go for a walk in the Botanic
s,’ Nancy said slowly.
‘Ben loves the Botanics,’ Bill said with a rising sense of excitement.
‘I suppose we could always bump into each other. But don’t ever let on to Carol, Bill, she’d never forgive me if she thought I’d gone behind her back,’ Nancy warned.
‘OK, ditto. Brona wouldn’t be too happy either. We’ll just keep it between us.’
‘You know the little shelter in to the right, at the gates? I’ll wait for you there. Say, in half an hour?’
‘Nancy, thank you,’ her husband said earnestly.
‘It’s OK, Bill. I’d like you to see her. See you soon.’
Bill couldn’t believe his luck. It wasn’t all a total disaster. He and Nancy were talking and he was going to see his grandchild. It was better than nothing.
* * *
‘Now, darling Charlotte, you have to look your very best,’ Nancy crooned as she dressed her granddaughter in a snug little lilac and cream trousers and top. The baby cooed at her, her rosebud mouth widening in a big smile.
‘You’re so beautiful, Baba,’ Nancy declared happily. She was having the best time of her life. It was like she’d been given a second chance with her new grandchild. She’d never been so content. She’d heard the longing in her husband’s voice and found enough compassion in her heart to feel sorry for him. His daughters had turned away from him. That was hard. He’d never have the joy of Charlotte that she had, and that was a big loss.
She felt no bitterness any more. AA had helped her to release that and take responsibility for her own behaviour. She’d made his life a misery and it was time to try and make amends. She could only work on her own relationship with him. Nadine and Carol had to deal with Bill their own way.
‘Now, Baba, give Nana a big kiss,’ she urged, nuzzling into her granddaughter before laying her in her pram. It was a lovely day; she could see the Dublin Mountains very clearly. The trees of the Botanics in the distance were showing a hint of golden autumn. She was looking forward to her walk in the Botanic Gardens. It was a most beautiful place. A haven from the city.
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