Apple's Angst

by Rebecca Eckler

  She hung up. She did miss Lyon, she realized, feeling a jolt of excitement at the thought of spending time with him tomorrow night. He was so patient with her. She looked at a photo tacked on her mirror of him and her hugging at the zoo. They had decided to go on the spur of the moment one weekend afternoon, before Apple started at Angst, before Zen and Apple kissed, before everything had become so confusing.

  It was Lyon who made her happy. So what had made her kiss Zen? Sure, he may have kissed her first. Still, she could have stopped. But no. She had to keep it going. And let it happen again.

  She was an awful person. But it would not happen again. Ever. Apple was sure that Zen wouldn’t say anything to Happy. She got into bed, thinking happy thoughts about Lyon and how to make things better with him. Instead, much to her dismay, she dreamed of Zen. What was happening to Apple? She couldn’t even manage to control her actions when she slept!

  At the Spiral Staircase Friday morning, Apple curled into Lyon’s arms. Brooklyn was eating a power bar. Happy and Zen were both there too, though Happy was reading her fashion magazine and barely seemed to notice Zen giving her a shoulder massage. Apple didn’t look at Zen. She couldn’t, though she sometimes could feel his eyes on her.

  “What’s up for everyone tonight?” Brooklyn asked. “I need to have some fun.”

  “Lyon and I are going to try that new restaurant Eleven. Angst gave it a really good review,” Apple said, holding on to Lyon’s hand.

  “They did?” Happy asked. “I didn’t see that.”

  “It’s in the next issue. I got a sneak peak at some of the pages the other day,” Apple explained.

  “You’re so lucky to get to see Angst magazine before it comes out! I want to go to Eleven too. Can Zen and I come? We can have a double date,” Happy said. Was Happy into Zen again? With Happy, you just never knew where her mind was from one minute to the next. Apple would be thrilled if Zen and Happy worked things out. It just seemed so much easier knowing that her best friend and Zen were into each other. It would make everything less complicated. Things could go back to normal. She had a knot in her stomach and she didn’t like it, and she knew it had everything to do with having kissed Zen.

  “Well,” Apple answered slowly, “Lyon and I were planning on catching up. We haven’t had a date night in a while.” Apple knew she had to at least stick up for their night alone.

  “Oh, Lyon, you don’t mind, do you?” Happy said, batting her long eyelashes. “I want to go to Eleven. Don’t you, Zen?”

  “Sure,” Zen said casually. “Why not?”

  Apple had no idea what was going on. Was he suddenly into Happy again? Maybe their kiss had made Zen realize that he really did love Happy, just as the kiss had made Apple realize that she should try harder with Lyon.

  “See. We all want to go, so why don’t we all go together?” Happy said, making that sound like the only reasonable answer.

  “Well, I only made a reservation for two,” Lyon said. “It’s new, so I’m not sure how easy it will be to change it to four.”

  “Five,” Happy said. “Brooklyn has to come too!”

  “I don’t want to be a fifth wheel!” Brooklyn moaned. “I just wanted a fun night!”

  “You’re not going to be a fifth wheel. We’ll all behave, I promise,” Happy said. “And don’t worry about changing the reservation. I think Sailor knows the manager or something. It won’t be a problem. So we’re all set, then,” Happy said in a tone of finality.

  Apple knew that Lyon wasn’t going to be thrilled with the idea of this double date plus Brooklyn. She knew he was looking forward to a night alone. But there was nothing she could do. Happy was persistent, and she was Apple’s best friend. There was no reason, really, that they shouldn’t all go together. And after all, Lyon had wanted them to go on a double date just last week. He was getting what he asked for.

  “Sure,” Lyon said, knowing he had lost. “Let’s do it—8 p.m. We’ll meet you there.”

  “Great! I’m excited,” said Happy, rubbing her hands together.

  Apple glanced at Lyon with a look she hoped conveyed, “I’m really sorry. But what could I do?”

  He rubbed her back. He understood that it wasn’t her fault. If anything, Lyon was polite. He knew how important Apple’s friends were to her.

  Apple couldn’t help but look up at Zen, who smiled down at her. Did he think this was a joke? They had just kissed the night before and now they were going out on a double date with their respective partners? It wasn’t funny. It was sick.

  Apple spent math class wondering what she was going to wear to Eleven. She wasn’t sure who exactly she was imagining dressing for: Lyon or Zen.

  Lyon, definitely. Or maybe just herself.

  “Thanks, Apple, for letting us tag along tonight. I can’t stand to be alone with Zen. Did he say anything to you last night?” Happy asked as they walked to their next class.

  “Not really. We went for pizza because I was starving and then he just dropped me off at home,” Apple said.

  “Good! Thanks, Apple. And tonight will be fun! It’s always easier when there are more people around. So he didn’t mention me at all?” Happy wondered again.

  “No, except to say that he knows you’re hiding from him. Happy, I think you should put him out of his misery already,” Apple said. “I mean, you are acting like you’re still into him and really you’re not. Or if you are into him, then be nice!”

  “No, I know. I don’t know if I’m not into him. So I should end it. I will. Soon. I promise. He’s just such a nice guy. It’s hard. I don’t want to hurt his feelings,” Happy moaned.

  “Seriously, I don’t even care if you hurt his feelings at this point. Well, I do, but the guy has no idea where he stands with you. And he’s going to get tired and he’s going to ditch you,” Apple said.

  “Great! Then I won’t have to feel guilty!” Happy said cheerfully.

  “Why do you want to go on a double date, then?” Apple asked.

  “I don’t know. I just really want to go to Eleven and hang with you,” Happy said.

  “Sometimes, I wish I could think like you,” said Apple, shaking her head.

  “Well, at least you’re starting to dress like me! God, Apple. I think this is the very first time I’ve ever asked, but I may need to borrow that outfit. When did you get so fashion-conscious? I think I like the new version of Apple!”

  Oh, God, if only Happy knew what Apple had done the night before. Apple was pretty sure that Happy wouldn’t like the “new” Apple one little bit.

  Apple certainly didn’t like the new Apple at all.

  Lyon and Apple drove to Eleven, arriving fifteen minutes early. The host showed them to their table for five. Sailor’s best friend’s father was a part owner of the restaurant and had pulled strings.

  Lyon sat beside Apple and inhaled her neck. “You smell amazing, did I tell you that?”

  “No, actually, you didn’t,” Apple said, flirtily.

  “And you look amazing,” Lyon continued.

  Apple was wearing another of her new ensembles. Her mother and Happy were right. All those years she had spent in plain jeans? What a waste! It was so much more fun to dress up. As the stylist at Angst had said, “Always dress more up than down.”

  Tonight Apple was wearing skintight pink jeans, heels, and a low-cut, tight black tank top. Usually she would never be brave enough to show so much cleavage (not that she had much to show), but with her new hair, she really did feel like a new person.

  “You look pretty hot yourself, mister,” Apple said, leaning into him.

  Brooklyn, Happy, and Zen arrived. Happy and Brooklyn took their seats after giving Apple and Lyon welcoming kisses on the cheek. Zen picked up his menu immediately and didn’t look at Apple.

  “Isn’t it nice that we’re all here together?” Happy sighed. As always, she looked amazing. “Apple, you look great.”

  “You really do look so different,” Brooklyn said. “You look like you work at a
fashion magazine now.”

  “So when does the first issue with you in it come out?” asked Zen. Apple was relieved. She didn’t want to talk about her hair any longer.

  “Monday,” answered Apple. “I’m really nervous.”

  “Are you crazy?” Happy asked. “You’re going to be a star! You’re going to become just as famous as your mother. I have a feeling. And you know I’m always right about these things.”

  “Just don’t forget us little people. You’ll be like, ‘Lyon? I used to know a Lyon, I think,’” Lyon joked, grabbing a breadstick from the wire basket in the middle of the table.

  Apple laughed. “I will never turn into my mother, trust me,” she said, giving Lyon a sideways hug. She couldn’t help but look up and see Zen glance at her. He didn’t look happy. But what did he expect? thought Apple. Sure they had kissed, but Zen knew that Lyon was her boyfriend.

  “I have to go to the restroom,” Happy said, suddenly getting up. “Anyone else need to go?”

  Everyone shook their heads.

  “Apple? Are you SURE you don’t have to go?” Happy pressed.

  Apple knew that was code. Happy had to tell her something in private.

  “Actually, I do have to visit the ladies’ room,” Apple said, standing up.

  Apple followed Happy to the restrooms, downstairs at the back of the restaurant. She held on to the handrails for dear life. The stairs were so skinny and she still wasn’t exactly confident walking in heels.

  Once inside, Happy walked over to the sink.

  “Don’t you have to pee?” Apple asked.

  “Of course not. Do you?”

  “No,” Apple laughed. “So what’s up?

  “It worked! Zen said to me when he picked me up that he didn’t think things were working out with us. He asked me if I felt the same,” Happy said giddily.

  “And what did you say?” Apple asked, feeling a knot grow in her stomach.

  “I told him I hadn’t really noticed,” Happy said.

  “Happy!”

  “Well, I didn’t want him to think that this was my idea! Am I awful?” Happy asked.

  “No, you’re not awful. You’re just … you. So what did he say?” Apple asked.

  “He said we should both really think if we are meant to be together. So I said that sounded like a good idea. Then we agreed to take break from each other,” Happy continued.

  “So you guys broke up?” Apple said, her heart beating quickly.

  “Well, we’re taking a break. I figure after we take this break, I’ll tell him that he’s right, that we’re better off alone. It will ease my guilt about Therapy Guy,” Happy said.

  “Did he say anything else?” Apple pressed, praying that Zen didn’t mention their kiss.

  “Not really. We picked up Brooklyn, so we stopped talking about it,” Happy said. Apple felt relieved.

  “We should really get back up there,” said Apple. “I guess, ‘Congratulations’?”

  “I know. I’m so glad we’re all out tonight. This ‘break’ is the start of my freedom!”

  They walked up the stairs slowly. “Oh, my God, Apple. I’m so rude. I never asked you how it’s going with Lyon. It seems to be going well. You don’t seem as annoyed with him.”

  “It is going well,” Apple said.

  “What’s wrong? Something must be wrong. You don’t sound very excited. Are you still fighting?” Happy asked.

  “No. It’s fine. He’s perfect, what can I say?” said Apple.

  “No guy is perfect,” Happy responded. “I’m sorry, but there must be something wrong with Lyon.”

  Yeah, thought Apple, he’s not Zen. She immediately shook her head. Even thinking that was insane and insulting.

  When they got back to the table, their friends were in a heated discussion. Apple forced herself not to look at Zen.

  “He’s just a foolie,” Brooklyn was saying as Apple and Happy sat down and placed their white linen napkins on their laps.

  “A what?” asked Lyon.

  “A foolie,” repeated Brooklyn.

  “You don’t know what a foolie is?” Zen asked.

  “What are you guys talking about?” Happy interrupted. “Hopper again?”

  “Yes. I’m trying to explain to Zen and Lyon that Hopper and I are foolie friends. Of course they don’t get it. Because Zen and Lyon are aliens. They’re too nice.”

  “I know what a foolie is,” Zen said.

  “I don’t,” said Lyon.

  “Do you live under a rock? How could you NOT know what a foolie is?” demanded Happy. “How could you have lived your whole life without a foolie friend?”

  “Hey, leave him alone,” said Apple, sticking up for Lyon. “Why should everyone know what a foolie is?”

  “Can someone please just tell me what a foolie is already?” Lyon asked.

  “Okay,” Brooklyn said. “It’s like having a friend with benefits. He is definitely not my boyfriend. I am definitely not his girlfriend. He can go out with whomever he likes, do whatever he likes with them, and I can do the same. And occasionally—like once a week or so—he calls me or I call him, and if neither of us has plans we’ll get together and fool around.”

  “And you don’t mind that Hopper is just a foolie friend?” Lyon asked, looking intrigued.

  “No, actually. I mean I like the guy. I’m attracted to him. But I don’t really feel that people are meant to mate for life. I don’t believe monogamy is normal,” Brooklyn said.

  Brooklyn launched into her Monogamy Speech, which Apple and Happy had heard a zillion times. She said animals—and people were animals—were never meant to be monogamous, and that it’s in our DNA to want to fool around with as many people as possible.

  “My parents, for example, cheated on each other,” Brooklyn said. “Now they’re divorced. If you ask me, it makes perfect sense. Fifty percent of the population gets divorced, and I’m sure most of those divorces are a result of someone being unfaithful. So why get married in the first place? Why pretend to be something you’re not? Why not have foolie friends instead?”

  Apple looked down at her menu. At the words “cheated” and “unfaithful” she suddenly got a knot in her stomach. And she knew Brooklyn wasn’t being entirely truthful. She knew Brooklyn was always waiting for Hopper and was disappointed when he didn’t call. She knew Brooklyn wanted more from Hopper, no matter what she professed.

  “Are you feeling okay, Apple?” Lyon asked, looking at her. “You look a little pale suddenly.”

  “I think I just need to splash some water on my face or something,” Apple said. “Just order for me. I’ll be right back.”

  As Apple headed back to the restroom, she heard Happy say, “Oh, I’m not sure Apple really gets the concept of foolie friends either. She’s never had one! Her mother is old-fashioned Dr. Bee Bee Berg, after all, who believes marriage is the be-all and end-all. Even if she did have one, I’m not sure she’d tell me. Apple never likes to talk about sex. When we were seven I used to say the word ‘vagina’ to her just to see her blush.” Happy laughed.

  Apple walked into the restroom and leaned against a stall door. She still didn’t need to go. She just needed to catch her breath. She looked at her watch. A minute and a half had passed. If she didn’t go up soon, someone would surely come down to get her.

  She opened the restroom door—only to see Zen standing there.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked. “You scared me!”

  “I had to go to the restroom,” he said, smiling.

  “Well, I should really go back up,” she said, trying to walk around him. Her arm brushed his and she couldn’t help but look at him. It was always his dimples that killed her. Apple grabbed the back of his head and pulled him in for a kiss. Or was it Zen who pulled her in?

  It felt so wrong, but so exciting, but still so, so very wrong.

  Even when Apple tried to pull away, he kissed her harder. “God, Apple,” he moaned. “What are we doing?”

  �
�I don’t know. I do know that we have to stop this right now,” Apple said, pushing him away.

  “We do?” Zen said.

  “Well, if you haven’t forgotten, our friends are upstairs. My boyfriend is upstairs. Happy is upstairs. This didn’t happen,” said Apple. “Again. this did not happen.”

  “I can’t stop thinking about you,” Zen said.

  “We can’t talk about this now,” Apple said frantically. “I’m going to go up first. Count to sixty and then come up, okay?”

  “Okay,” Zen said. “But tell me one thing, Apple.”

  “What?”

  “Do you still think about me? Like the way you did before Happy and I got together?”

  Apple looked at him with newfound confidence. “Of course I do. But I have a boyfriend,” Apple said. “And you and Happy just broke up. Yes, she told me.”

  “I made a horrible mistake not paying attention to you,” said Zen. “Is it too late for us?” he asked.

  “It’s so complicated already,” Apple moaned. “I can’t think straight.”

  “I know. I know. But a guy can have hope, right?” asked Zen.

  “Can I ask you one thing?” Apple asked.

  “Sure,” Zen said, showing his dimples.

  “Does it look like I’ve just been kissed by a guy who is not my boyfriend?”

  “You look perfect,” Zen said.

  Apple raced back up the stairs.

  “What took you so long?” Lyon asked.

  “My stomach hurts,” Apple said. Then she added, “Where’s Zen?”

  “He went to the washroom. I’m surprised you didn’t run into him,” Lyon responded. Their food had arrived, thank God. Apple didn’t know how she was going to make it through this dinner, with Lyon beside her and Zen sitting across from her.

  “Anyway, as I was saying, I am fine with being his foolie friend,” Brooklyn was muttering.

  “God, are we still on this?” Apple asked.