“I’m glad, but I just …” Molly let out a giant sigh. “I’m all out of get-out-of-jail-free cards.”
“Molly, please,” Liam begged her. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too, but I just can’t go down this road with you anymore. I’m so scared, too scared. This is so much more than I bargained for. I’m becoming this road map of scars.”
“At least wait until I get home.”
“Take care of yourself. I gotta go.” Molly hung up the phone.
Molly held the cell in her hot hand, and she stared at the smooth buttons. Her knuckles were white. Helen came over and put her arms around her daughter’s waist. She pulled her into a hug and Molly broke down. Tighter and tighter she clung to her mother until the floor and ceiling dropped away.
It was dark when Molly woke up. Somehow she was wrapped in a black blanket, tucked into the couch in the family room of their home. She had no recollection of coming home, or of falling asleep. The only thing to tell her she had been crying was the dull throb of her sinuses and a thin crust on her lashes. The clock on the TV read eight-thirty. How long had she been asleep?
Molly went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of juice from the fridge. Every muscle in her body ached whenever she moved. Everything was clenched, trying to form a skin shield. Too bad it was too late for the blow not to punch a hole right through her. Maybe Molly was being too harsh, but her and Liam’s do-or-die dance had begun months and months ago. Various issues began piling themselves up on her balance the closer they got and the more time they spent together.
Molly had this theory that often in relationships, the thing that attracts you the most to a person is ultimately the thing that repels. Like with her coffee and how he remembered and watched every little nuance, Liam was capable of this insane level of attention. When Molly was around him, nothing got past him, no twist of her hair went ignored. He ate her up with his eyes and drank her in with his words. His attentiveness was a third person in the room with them whenever they made love or counted sheep. It made Molly more aware of herself than she had ever been, how she carried herself, how she fidgeted when she was nervous, and when she was horny how she would tug at her left earlobe. Their relationship was a finely tuned mechanism, all the bolts were in place and complemented each other.
But, as time went on, Molly came to realize that Liam’s ability to focus so intently on something or someone was not just special to Molly. It was how he was with everything in his life. He was all about details and delineating each and every environment he was in. Every person he came in contact with fell under this gaze. This level of concentration was given to everyone, but as easy as Molly could be with him and feel the most seen she had ever been in her life, she could also just as easily slide to the fringes and feel invisible. She could cease to exist.
Molly began to understand this quality about Liam on her twenty-seventh birthday. She planned this shindig at a bowling alley deep in Hollywood. Since Molly wanted things to be a little dramatic, she requested that everyone dress up, slicked back hair, high ponytails, etc. Twenty-five of her nearest and dearest donned their best bowling shirts and jeans and threw down their best strikes. Molly had on this tight pink snap-front shirt that Jaycee had bought her with BUNNY embroidered in red cursive letters. (“Bunny” was Molly’s bowling alter ego.) Jay had a green shirt with JOANIE sewn in black near her breast. Drinks, cigarettes, and balls flowed, and the only thing missing besides a DJ who played something other than Top Forty boy-band beats was Liam. Molly had spoken with him at six, laid his shirt on her bed (they weren’t living together at this point but he had a key), and left to get a quick bite with Jay without seeing him. Liam had mentioned a few things he needed to get done and instead of getting dinner he would have to meet her there. No biggie. But it was eleven and he was still nowhere to be found.
“Where’s Liam?” Jay asked as she handed Molly yet another Jack and Coke.
“Good question, Joanie.” Checking her cell in her bag to see if he had called. “No messages.”
“What is he doing?”
“No idea. Some errand.” Looking to the door.
“On your birthday?”
“Yeah, whatever.” Still looking at the door.
“Think if you look hard enough he will materialize?”
“Maybe.” Smiling a weak smile.
“He’ll be here.” Sensing Molly’s deflating spirit. “Cheers!”
The girls clinked glasses and Molly chugged down the sweet liquid. Her clear pink day was getting a bit muddier. It was becoming more mauve. Molly tried to throw herself into her own party, dancing to ’N Sync, bowling a string of gutter balls, and drinking heavily. By midnight, Molly was drunk and had a mild case of whiplash from scanning the door too frequently.
“Jay, I need cake.” Stumbling slightly as she made her way to her friend.
“I thought you wanted to wait until he got here.”
“Fuck it. Let’s do it.”
Jaycee went over to the Ralph’s box resting on the counter behind the group. She undid the top and pulled a lighter out of her pocket. With the cake ablaze, Molly sidled up next to her and everyone sang “Happy Birthday.” Molly made a wish everyone could easily guess and blew. Cake was cut and passed around, and the party continued. At about one-thirty, Molly found a chair, and instead of flitting back and forth among her friends, she held court, high on sugar and whiskey. The party was winding down when finally, a familiar voice caught the edge of her ear, and she turned around with a face full of drunken elation. Her smile soon faded when she saw that Liam was not alone. Wrapped around him like last year’s pashmina was Elena, the girl she had met at Goldfinger’s the night she first met Liam. A girl who never stopped casting Molly the evil eye despite the six months that had passed, Elena tossed Molly her special look and grinned like a Cheshire cat, holding her arms tighter around Liam. Molly’s stomach began to roll.
“You’ve got to be kidding me?!” Molly stated.
“Molly.” Untangling himself from Elena. “Happy Birthday!”
“Yeah, Happy Birthday, Molly.” Elena slithered.
Liam came over to Molly and leaned down to give her a kiss. Molly turned her head and his lips met with the edge of her hairline.
“What?” Liam asked. “What’s wrong?”
“What time is it?” she asked him.
“It’s like ten-thirty.” Looking at his watch. “Oh …”
“Yeah.” Starting to feel even more nauseated.
“I’m sorry.”
“There might be some cake left over there and if you guys want to bowl, I think you are going to be playing each other because we were just about to leave.” Getting up from her perch.
“Molly, I’m sorry. The time just got away from me.”
Molly looked up and got a good look at his face. His eyes were saucers, spinning like the teacup ride. He was flying.
“You are so high.”
“No, we just were hanging out.” Blinking hard, trying to merge the two Mollys he was seeing into one.
“Whatever. Have fun.” Molly grabbed her one shoe and purse and headed to the cashier.
Jaycee and Liam followed after her. Molly paid and retrieved her other shoe. She sat down on the floor and began slipping on her sneakers.
“Molly, where are you going?” Liam asked squatting down next to her on the carpet. “I’ll come.”
“Home, and no thanks. I wouldn’t want your little friend to get lonely.” Standing up. Molly swayed slightly and fell into him. She could smell Elena’s perfume everywhere. “Shit.”
Molly raced into the women’s room and threw open a stall. She fell on her knees and heaved. God damn her weak stomach. Frosting and Coca-Cola sloshed in the bowl. She felt hands on her hair as Jay held it while she continued emptying her system. Molly was a total mess. Liam poked his head in as Molly was splashing water on her face.
“Are you all right?” Coming over to her with a paper towel.
“So?”
“So, go!” Molly glared at him.
Liam blanched, and turned on his heels. Molly wiped off her face and hands.
“I need to get out of here as fast as possible.”
“No problem. Just hold on to me,” Jay answered.
Jay and Molly swept past Liam, Elena, and the remnants of the party. When Molly was finally belted into Jay’s pickup, she burst into tears. Still tasting bile on her tongue she reached into Jay’s glove compartment and retrieved an Altoid.
“What a fucking dick!” Jay exclaimed pulling out of the driveway. “He strolls in super late with it and expects all to be fine.”
“It?” Starting to grin despite herself.
“Yeah, it.” Grinning. “You cannot call that evil thing a her. It devalues the entire female race.”
“I wish she looked like Cousin Itt.” Wiping off her face again.
“I used to think Elena was hot, but soon I realized she had no soul. Every time I see her, it’s like she morphs into Medusa circa Clash of the Titans. You, on the other hand, are like Aphrodite reincarnate.”
“Thanks.” Leaning over and giving Jay a kiss on the cheek. “Great fucking birthday!”
“It was. Don’t let him ruin it.”
“Too late.” Getting teary again.
“Stop. I command you!”
“Command me?”
“Yes, I’m giving you specific important orders to not dwell on what your lame-ass stupid boyfriend has just done until tomorrow.”
“It is tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow, tomorrow. We are going to call the rest of our friends, go to my house, drink more, get super stoned, and celebrate the perfectness of you until the sun comes up!”
“Fine. I always do as I am told.”
“Can I get that on tape?”
“Just drive.” Turning up the radio.
Molly and Jay rallied a small group and hung out dancing and singing karaoke off Jay’s machine until dawn. Molly was numbed by liquor and weed and soundly fell asleep in Jay’s bed. What truly was celebrated was the perfectness of Molly’s best friend. Jay had an uncanny ability to boost Molly’s immune system and get her through the night.
The morning after though was a whole other enchilada. Molly woke up at about noon with a throbbing headache and stomach cramps racking her torso. Half twisted in Jay’s blue duvet, she struggled to untangle without rousing her friend. Molly gingerly inched out of bed, came to a standing position, took two steps to the bathroom tripped on a random stiletto, knocked over a glass of water, screamed, fell back into the bed, and landed on Jay.
“Fuck!” Jay exclaimed.
“Sorry,” Molly replied, rubbing her foot and readjusting her tush so it wasn’t directly on top of her friend.
“Your ass in my face is not what I usually like to wake up to.”
“I know, sorry again.” Wiping the sleep from her eyes. “I tried to be quiet.”
“Something you are never good at.” Rolling over. “What time is it?”
“Twelvish. I’m going to get in the shower. Where are the extra towels?”
“Hall closet. Wake me again when you are all done.”
“I’m going to borrow clothes.”
“Whatever.”
Molly made her second attempt for the bathroom and this time she was successful. She rummaged around in the drawers, searching for Advil and a rubber band for her hair. She flipped on the hot water and slipped off her underwear and tank top. Under the spray, she took a deep breath and replayed the scattered images she could recollect from last night. There was a party full of friendly faces, a boyfriend who showed up wrapped around the girl she hated most in the world, a close-up of some sketchy toilet, her horrible rendition of “I Love Rock ’n’ Roll” karaoke style, and a best friend who did her best to make everything all right. Molly took another deep breath and let the water massage the back of her neck.
This was the first time Liam had really disappointed her. As simple as that. An event that could only have brought them closer had turned into a sour little pill of reality. Molly felt a bit woozy. How could he have managed to fuck this one up? It was so easy. Show up for your girlfriend’s birthday party, mingle with her friends, and make her feel like a million trillion dollars. A no-brainer. Molly wondered what the excuses would be, what line of defense he would take. Molly knew she would forgive him, her resolve would turn to mush the minute he showed up, but in the pit of her stomach she had this nagging sensation that this wouldn’t be the last time.
Molly dried off and threw on her dirty underwear, a pair of Jay’s red Juicy track pants, and a wife-beater she found in the drawer. She went back to her Sleeping Beauty and nudged her gently.
“Hi.”
“Still sleeping.”
“I’m going to call Bozo and get him to pick me up.”
“I’ll drive you.” Not moving an inch.
“It’s cool. I have to deal anyway. Thanks again. Call you later.”
“You know I want those pants back.” Still not moving.
“Of course, I would never.” Patting her head.
“Sure you would.”
Jay grunted and pulled the blanket around her tightly. Molly retrieved her clothing and shoes from the floor and walked into the living room. Beer bottles, cigarettes, and burned-out candles littered the coffee table. Molly tossed everything into the garbage and found the phone. She dialed.
“Did I wake you?” Asking after he picked up on the third ring.
“No, not really. Been up for a while. Molly, I’m so sorry about last night.”
“I know. Look, let’s talk about it later. Will you come get me?”
“Jay’s?”
“Yeah.”
“Be there in ten.”
“Can you bring my flip-flops I left at your place?”
“See you in a minute.”
Liam arrived and sheepish was an understatement. He was more wimpy than Mary’s dumb lamb. Eye contact was minimal, and a slight rosy tint remained on his cheek well after she had gotten into his car. It was very quiet except for the radio.
“Molly, I really don’t know what happened.”
“What does that mean?”
“I went over to Elena’s to help her set up her computer, and then she was showing me her new artwork, and we drank some wine and did some blow, and Zander came over and we were all just hanging out. Then, I was at your party, and well …”
“Do you know on how many levels this upsets me?”
“I know.” Liam pulled the car over and turned off the ignition. “I wanted your birthday to be special for you, and I messed it all up.”
“Did you hook up with her?”
“Are you insane?”
“Did you?”
“Molly.” Glaring at her. “She does nothing for me.”
“But you do everything for her. You know how much she hates me and wants you. Fuck!”
“She doesn’t hate you.” Saying earnestly. “She thinks you’re great.”
Molly burst out laughing.
“Are you kidding?” Laughing harder. “They both wish we had never met.”
“They are my best friends, Molly.”
“I know, and that’s fine. But don’t you see that last night you let them totally screw me over? They sucked you into their little vibe and you instantly forgot about me just like that.” Molly snapped her fingers. “Because I was waiting for you and feeling all mopey, I drank way too much and puked cake in some nasty-ass bathroom! It was my birthday for God’s sake!”
“I’m sorry. Look, what else can I do? It won’t happen again. I promise.”
Molly looked at him and saw in his eyes how serious he was. He leaned over and kissed her.
“Here, give me your watch.” Grabbing her hand.
“What?”
“Okay.” Taking it off her wrist. “It’s officially F
ebruary eleventh again. Today is your birthday. You are one lucky lady because you get to celebrate twice.” Refastening it. “All day is Molly day. How may I do you?”
“Food and coffee would be a good start.”
“As you wish, Buttercup.”
He leaned over and kissed her again. Molly softened under his lips.
“Before we adjourn to the grease pit, I have something for you. I meant to give it to you last night, but, well, here.”
He reached in the backseat and produced a shoe box wrapped in newspaper tied with a red piece of yarn. He placed it in Molly’s lap. She ripped it open. Inside was a letter-sized envelope and a tape. Molly opened the letter and inside was sheet music. She began reading the words as Liam pushed the tape into the player. Soon, gentle guitar chords filled the car and Liam’s melodious voice echoed. He sounded like mittens, mashed potatoes, the best broken-in boots. He was part Whiskeytown, part Jackson Browne, with a dash of Jeff Buckley thrown into the mix. Familiar and comfortable. Molly sat back and listened.
When she wakes, she brushes the stars from her hair
Tangled up in daydreams,
She yawns and tugs at her sleeve.
She thinks she’s all alone
But I watch her when she’s unaware,
She doesn’t always notice me
But sometimes all I can do is stare.
I knew it when I met her
I could never forget her,
The warmth of her smile
Was going to last for a while.
Forever and always
The near and the far days,
With all the words she speaks
I’m slowly swept off my feet.
I want to touch her skin
Tattoo her onto my tongue with a taste
She is a photograph not yet taken,
A drawing I long to trace.
There’s more to remember with every glance,
Even with eyes closed I see her
A meeting by chance becomes my do-or-die dance.
I knew it when I met her
I could never forget her,
The warmth of her smile
Was going to last for a while.
Forever and always
The near and the far days,
With all the words she speaks
Tangled Up in Daydreams Page 8