Everywhere I see you.
Could you forgive all I have done?
Trust I will be better?
I can be the guy on the shiny white horse
I’ll be just about anything for another stab at forever.
Please, baby just ask me
Take me again in your arms
Just trust me, believe in me.
Because
Everything reminds me
Even when I try to hide it finds me
In the dark, in the light
Even when I am out of sight
Everything reminds me of you.
Molly let the tape run until it stopped on its own. It was in that moment that Henry finally understood the magic, the pull. He saw the glazed look in Molly’s eye, the delicate shadows of adoration flutter across her face. He saw her shoulders relax, her body bloom, her weight shift back and forth on her feet until she appeared to be floating. She was a sponge responding to a bowl of water, expanding and growing in her exposure to her source of nourishment. He walked to her and kissed her cheek.
“Just let me know when you want me to bring the bags down.”
“Oh.” Startled from her daydream. “Sure, thanks.”
Henry left her just as she was, and went downstairs to find his wife. He knew that he had lost her forever, but what a compassionate, loving woman she had become. Molly sat back down on the floor to finish her packing, the song set on REPEAT. Soon enough she had memorized the words and was singing with him. She flashed to his smile, how his clothes were always a little rumpled, how in the summer the bridge of his nose became covered with freckles. She thought about how Liam would leave love notes in random CDs for her to find at later dates, how he would make her macaroni and cheese when she had PMS, how he’d always remember to tape her TV shows. She smiled when she thought about when he was grumpy—his cheeks got mottled and he bit his nails. She exhaled when she remembered how easily she slept next to him despite his Black Hawk Down snores. She recalled how he would bitch about how much she shopped, but complimented every new outfit, how they never got bored even in the silences, how he didn’t mind her granny underwear or buying her tampons, how he listened when she lost her mind over nothing and threw a fit. Deep down she knew there was always going to be some small drama, some small accident, but hopefully they would be just that—small. They were connected, entwined, and if it meant that Molly was going to have to be the strong one for her, Liam, and the baby, she could and would succeed. Molly kept singing until the sun went down.
After everyone else had gone to sleep, Molly went out to Helen’s car to retrieve her blue sweater and a few CDs she didn’t want to forget. As she was shutting the door, a hand squeezed her shoulder and Molly screamed. She whipped around ready to fight like every self-respecting, self-defense-trained woman would and found herself going for Liam’s eyes with her thumbs.
“Hey, easy.” Evading her karate move. “It’s me.”
“Shit! You just scared the hell out of me.” Catching her breath.
The front door flew open, the lights blared, and Henry came running outside.
“Molly! Are you all right?” Rushing to his daughter. “What happened?”
Henry finally caught sight of Liam.
“What on earth?” Looking at them both. “What the hell is going on here?!”
“Henry! Henry, what’s going on?” Helen yelled, running out in her white nightgown.
“Relax, Mom. It’s all fine.”
“Liam.” Helen slowed her pace. “What are you doing here? It’s the middle of the night!”
“Henry, Helen. I know, I’m sorry.” Swallowing. “I’m really sorry for scaring all of you. I just …” Liam couldn’t finish his sentence. He ran his hands through his hair. He shuffled back and forth on his feet hoping for rescue. There was none.
They all stood there silent, unable to truly register his presence or how they were supposed to handle it. Molly could feel herself shaking. Her body trembled as one large shiver went up and away until even the roots of her hair were alive and kicking. She looked at him and they caught eyes. Her face flushed, she could feel her hands clam up, and her heart felt like it was running the hundred-meter dash. All she could do was swallow and stare. She lost her words, her weight. Helen and Henry glanced at the two of them and then at each other. They were all trapped inside one of those high-definition Matrix special-effects shots where the camera does an entire three-sixty around the scene. Helen placed her hand in her daughter’s and squeezed gently.
“Why don’t we all go inside and straighten this all out?” she suggested.
“Good idea.” Henry agreeing.
Molly held tight to her mother and walked through the door with Liam trailing. Liam crossed the door frame with apprehension—he didn’t know what lay ahead, but it sure as hell wasn’t going to be easy.
All of them settled around the kitchen table as Helen turned on the kettle for some tea. Henry cleared his throat and assumed the helm of this creaky boat.
“Okay, I’m going to just cut to the chase and forgo any polite chitchat. It’s late, we are all tired, and we’ve all had a long few weeks. Sorry, but I’m all out of pleasantries. Let’s start from the beginning, and Liam, you can tell me why you are here jumping out of bushes instead of somewhere in California getting clean.”
Liam paled, knowing in that one turn of phrase, Henry and Helen knew everything. He felt shame wash over him, and in that instant it all felt real, heavy, devastating. He looked to Molly for some sort of respite, but she just sat there watching. She wanted answers as well.
“I needed to see Molly.” Saying tentatively.
“That’s pretty clear, but that’s just not enough.”
“I needed to talk to you. You wouldn’t listen on the phone.” Looking at Molly. “I wanted to apologize and to try, I don’t know, to try and fix things. I have to fix things with you. I had to do it in person and try to make it right. Since we last spoke, all that kept running around in my head was this clear vision of you and us and what we had and how that is what’s important. I have to be with you and I wanted you to know that I will do anything for you, anything for another chance.”
“That’s a real nice sentiment, Liam, but do you think that breaking out of rehab—I can assume you broke out?” Henry, questioning.
“Yes, sir.” Answering meekly.
“Okay, so do you think that breaking out of rehab and coming here is going to prove that somehow you are cured and better and trustworthy? You really think that is the way to do this? It looks to me like you are running away and screwing up all over again.”
“I know that is what it must look like, Henry, but I have every intention of going back and finishing my program. I just couldn’t think of anything else to do to get you, all of you,” glancing at Helen, “to realize how much I love Molly. Molly, you wouldn’t even talk to me. What else was I supposed to do? Sit in my tiny room and pray you’d be there when I got out? I had no choice.”
“You always have a choice. You just have always consistently made the wrong one.” Molly stared at him. “It’s like you’re a criminal sitting here having jumped bail. Am I supposed to hug you and kiss you and pretend we are fine?”
“No, I don’t know. Maybe.” Letting his head fall. “Why do I keep fucking up?” Liam broke into tears.
Helen nudged her husband as she placed the mugs on the table. As much as she wanted to interject and knew her husband was seriously biting his tongue, this was not their conversation. Henry got up and they left Molly and Liam at the table alone to hash things out. Henry wanted to shake Liam, scream at him, maybe even throw a punch or two, yet he knew that he just couldn’t get any more involved.
“Please, stop crying, Liam. I can’t take it when you cry because you’re going to make me cry, and I have cried enough lately to last a lifetime.” Molly choking up. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”
“Okay.” Trying to make a joke. “I’m game if you are.”
“Oh, fuck you.” Smiling a little despite herself. “How did you get here by the way?”
“I hitchhiked.”
“You get smarter by the minute,” Molly chided.
“The things one does in the spirit of romance, I guess. Luckily, I found a family on a road trip who were supportive of my ‘all for love’ mentality. I would have taken a bus but they take all your money when you check in.”
“To prevent patients from doing things like this?”
“I guess. You don’t see the chivalry at all?”
“Maybe a pinch, but it’s a little cliché.”
“I think the last time we saw each other, we agreed we were both equally lame.” Reaching for her hand.
“Yeah.” Feeling his hand on hers.
Molly remembered the bathroom, their romp, and the words they shared. A tear ran down her face and he brushed it away.
“Don’t cry, baby.”
“I can’t help it.” Wiping her face. “Liam, do you know how hard it is for me to love you?”
“I’m beginning to. I’m so sorry. I know that I let you down all the time, and do all the wrong things, but it isn’t because I don’t love you. I don’t blame you at all for hating me and leaving.”
“You think I hate you? Are you crazy? I’m totally mad about you and I am just totally mad at you as well. Do you really think that you always let me down?”
“I do. I think that you are this amazing woman whom I constantly screw over unintentionally.”
“It’s not like that. Most of the time, you are completely present and real and true and totally there for me. I have never been loved like you love me, and ironically you have become better than any drug out there. It is just that when you do blow it, it’s with these supremely enormous mistakes.”
“Would you expect anything less?” Smiling at her.
“No, but I really need for us to have smaller problems. Do you see how much this disrupts what most of the time is a dream life? We are so blessed. Can you also understand how bad all of this must be for me if I am willing to walk away from you, from my soul mate? You have made me fearful of trusting you, of depending on you. The drugs, the drinking, all clouds who you are and they sweep you away to a place where I don’t even exist. I’m afraid of disappearing. I’m afraid you won’t come back. You almost died!”
“I’m afraid too. Do you think I want to die? This isn’t the life I want to be living. I don’t want to be a fuckup. I just have gotten myself into this sick pattern. It’s like I can’t handle things when they get too good because too good doesn’t last, and I would rather ruin it than deal with it ending on its own. That’s probably what I have done to you. I push you away and do the things I know you wish I never did so at least I have a reason when you inevitably leave.”
“What are you talking about? What is this ‘when you inevitably leave’ crap? Where the hell do you think I am going?” Getting a little riled.
“Everyone leaves eventually. That’s just the way life is. When you love people too much they always seem to leave,” Liam whispered.
“So, why ask me to marry you? Why trust in that kind of forever?” Molly pushed.
“Because it’s different with you!” Exclaiming. “Everything makes sense with you, which is why it makes no sense that I can’t seem to get it right.”
“Then what—or really who—are you talking about? Somehow I don’t think we are talking about you and me anymore because I have never had any intention of leaving you.”
Molly reached across the table and grabbed his hand. Liam looked directly at her.
“Liam, I know that your dad did not leave because of you. He was a grown-up with his own set of issues and problems, and it must have broken his heart to leave you and Teddy.”
“Then, why didn’t he write or reach out?” Liam cried. “Everyday I waited, waited for him to call me or try to see me. At every big event in my life I would look, hoping to see his face. And then, when he finally did show up, it felt so insincere, so fake. The magic dies and it fucking sucks!”
“I don’t know.” Going around the table to take him in her arms. “People do fucked up things all the time that we will never figure out. That’s where forgiveness comes into play. That’s something I have learned in the last few weeks. The heart is infinite in its ability to love and overcome pretty much anything. The only way to move on and live your life is to love and let love in and to forgive when loving lets you down because it will be there for you again. I also remember someone who vaguely resembles the man sitting in front of me who once said that being open and vulnerable and expecting the best from people and really living is the only way you get to the good stuff. Together we are the good stuff.”
“I miss the good stuff.” Holding her tightly.
“Look, Liam, while I get the romantic gesture of your cross-country escape,” pulling away, “you can’t do this the easy way. You need to go do the work. If it all were simple, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“And if I do?”
“What? Are you looking for a promise from me?”
“Yeah, I am.”
“I think that you need to earn that promise because I want to be able to really mean it and feel it and commit to it when I make it. We have had too many empty ones floating around us lately.”
“You’re sounding so Oprah.” Wiping the tears from his eyes. “I feel like I have just been Doctor Phil’d.” Laughing a bit.
“I have been watching a bit too much TV lately.” Smiling at him. “But, if I do say so myself, it sounded pretty good.”
“Better than the doctors in my program. See, all I need is you. You can be my medicine, my cure.”
Liam leaned over and kissed Molly cautiously on the lips. She let them rest there for a second before she turned her head, remembering where they were.
“If only it could be that easy.” Unwrapping his arms and sitting back down in the chair next to him.
“I know it’s not.” Still holding onto the string from her sweatshirt. He did not want to let go. “At least I got a ‘when’ and not an ‘if.’ That was a ‘when,’ wasn’t it?”
“For now it’s a ‘when.’ ” Brushing her hair out of her eyes. “But if things don’t change and you can’t or won’t get clean, get dependable, and trust me to be there for you and come to me first when you feel disconnected and before doing all this incredibly stupid shit, I’m outta here. It will break my heart forever, but I will leave if I have to. I really need to be able to trust you, especially now.”
“Especially now, meaning what?”
“This really wasn’t how I wanted this to happen or when, but nothing ever happens how we plan it.” Molly took a deep breath. “We’re having a baby.”
Liam fell silent and looked at Molly. His face drained of what was left of his color.
“A baby? Are you sure?” Not registering.
“Yep. I am pregnant. The doctor confirmed everything.” Gazing into his eyes trying to get a read.
“A baby,” Liam repeated.
“I’m going to have it. I definitely am having it.” Convincing herself.
“What?” Sitting up straighter. “You were even considering … ?”
“No, not for more than a second, maybe.” Looking at him again. “Even though everything these past few weeks has turned my life on end and freaked me out, this baby is really the one thing that made me smile. This is the only thing I am sure of. I really want it, I’m old enough, I can do it.”
“We can do it.” Pulling her into his lap. “We are having this together. You’re not alone. I promise.”
“Don’t.” Putting her hand to his lips. “Don’t make me any more promises. Not now, not yet.”
He kissed her slowly and held her the tightest he ever had. She could feel every inch of his body envelop her and soon their hearts were beating in exactly the same rhythm. They sat there for a long time, holding on to each other as the new, fragile web between them began to unfurl and spin about,
connecting them with a thin spidery thread.
The next morning around six, the whole gang sat assembled in the kitchen. When Liam and Molly came down to join the group, Alex and Renee looked toward Henry and Helen for some sort of explanation.
“Speak of the devil,” Alex said.
“Hey, Alex. How’s it going?” Walking toward Renee and giving her a kiss on the cheek of her surprised face. “How are you feeling?”
“Fine.” She stuttered. “But, umm, yeah …”
“Me too …” Alex agreed.
“Shocker, right? I broke out of jail to profess my love and apologize to Molly, which I did, and now, your sister is taking me back to rehab, so I can do my time, reform my evil ways, and be there for our baby,” Liam stated.
“You are going to be a great mom.” Renee smiled at Molly.
“Thanks.” Molly, giving her a hug.
“They’ll be about the same age.” Liam put his hand on Renee’s tummy. “It’s really amazing.” Keeping his hand there.
“Okay. Has everyone gone insane?” Alex, not really grasping everything. “Mom? Dad?”
“Don’t look at me, I just work here.” Helen set the pitcher of juice on the table.
“Ditto.” Henry flipped some french toast onto a plate.
“Alex, you still look a little bewildered,” Molly mused.
“And you aren’t?”
“I’ve had a few hours to digest it all.”
“And?” Renee asked.
“And.” Molly shrugged. “And we will let you all know what happens.”
“That’s enough for you, Dad?” Alex pressed. “Have we all retreated to sitcom land when things get resolved after twenty-two minutes?”
“No, but anything I do or say right now would be like beating a dead dog.”
“It’s a dead horse, Henry,” Helen corrected.
“Whatever, you get the idea. Let’s just eat, wish them well, and talk about them when they leave.”
“Sounds good to me.” Molly dug into a plate of food.
She was happy they were all there, but she was never good at good-byes and was beyond tired of explaining everything to everyone. It was time to get back to her life, their life. Who the hell knew what would happen but it was time to start letting it happen. Eager to get on the road, Molly hurried through the meal.
Tangled Up in Daydreams Page 25