Cement Heart

by Beth Ehemann

  I pulled into Michelle’s driveway and straightened my jacket as I got out of the car. The front door opened as I walked up the steps, and Matthew stood there, shielding his eyes from the sun as he waited for me. The ground was already covered in snow, but the bright sunshine that day made it seem not so bad.

  “What’s up, buddy?” I held my arms out.

  He stared down at the ground, not as excited to see me as he normally was. “My mom said I can’t jump on you today or I’ll wrinkle your clothes,” he pouted.

  “Oh.” I stepped in and closed the door behind me. “Well, she didn’t tell me I couldn’t hug you.” I knelt down to his level, holding my arms out again. His face lit up as he eagerly crashed into me so hard I almost fell over backward.

  “I’ll be down in a minute!” Michelle called from up the stairs.

  Matthew pulled back and rolled his little eyes. “She said that ten times already.”

  “It’s best you learn it now, Matthew.” I laughed. “They never mean it when they say that.”

  He nodded like he knew exactly what I was talking about and we walked hand in hand to the kitchen. A young girl sat at that kitchen table shoveling spoonfuls of yogurt into Maura’s mouth. When Maura noticed me walk into the room, she smiled so big yogurt oozed out the sides of her mouth.

  “What are you smiling at, silly?” She followed Maura’s eyes over to me. “Oh, hi. I didn’t hear anyone come in. Sorry. I’m Desi, the babysitter.”

  “Hi, Desi. I’m Viper.”

  “Viper’s my best friend,” Matthew told Desi proudly as he stood next to me.

  I looked down at him. “That’s absolutely right.”

  “Ahhh!” Michelle yelled out as she carefully ran into the kitchen in her heels. “I can’t find my favorite lipstick.” She opened drawer after drawer, slamming them all shut again.

  I don’t know shit about fashion and even less about women’s clothes, but when we’d texted earlier, she asked if I had a silver tie. I lied and said yes, immediately going out to buy one. I had no idea it would be to accompany that.

  She had on a silver dress that clung to her in places that made me want to weep. Silver heels with straps and more straps wrapped around her beautiful little feet. Her hair was down and wavy, and it looked sexy as fuck. She didn’t wear her hair down often, and I had to close my hands into fists to keep from marching over and running them through it.

  “Here it is! In the battery drawer. Makes sense.” She laughed, finally standing up straight. Our eyes locked and my mouth went dry. “I’m hurrying, I promise. I’m almost ready. Why are you staring at me like that?” She looked down and inspected herself before flipping her eyes back up to me.

  I put my hands in my pockets and shook my head as I slowly moved my eyes from her face all the way down and back up again. “I was just thinking that if that is almost ready, I’m the luckiest man in the world.”

  Her lips parted on a soft gasp as she walked over to kiss my cheek. At the last second, I turned and our lips touched. Not a full kiss—just the corners—but that almost-kiss was more intense than any other kiss I’d had in my entire life. I waited for her to pull back, but she didn’t. She closed her eyes and sighed, holding it right there, just as scared as I was to make it official and turn her head. Eventually, she did move away and smile at me. It was a sad smile. A smile that confirmed to me that she felt the same way I did, but she knew just as much as I did that it could never happen.

  She swallowed hard and took a shaky breath. “I’ll be back in a couple minutes, okay?”

  I nodded and watched her walk out of the room, already excited for when she’d come back.

  Thirty minutes later, we finally kissed the kids good-bye and headed out the door. The short drive to the church bummed me out because, selfishly, I wanted to hog Michelle to myself all night long. Once seated in the pew, things got a little awkward. People whispered and stared. I even caught a couple of wedding guests snapping pics. I wasn’t the most famous guy on my team, but all it would take was for one person to recognize me and it would spread like wildfire. The last thing I wanted was to take away from Jodi and Vince’s day.

  Michelle rested her hand on my knee and I practically jumped out of my skin. “Whoa. Are you okay?”

  “Yeah.” I looked straight into her eyes and focused hard on drowning out the rest of the church. “I’m good. Just ready to get the show on the road.”

  As if the wedding gods themselves were smiling down on me, the ceremony started right then. And even more awesome was how quick it went. Flower girls, ring bearer, bridesmaids, groomsmen, bride, vows, rings, kiss, done. My kind of ceremony.

  Time to party!

  The reception room was badass! The tables were decorated with red cloths, and there was a bar in the corner made out of ice. Very quickly after we sat, they introduced the bride and groom, cut the cake, and announced we could start eating, but there wasn’t a waiter on the floor.

  I leaned in toward Michelle. “Clearly I don’t go to enough weddings. Where’s the food?”

  Michelle giggled and leaned in closer, her hair brushing against my jaw as she did. “Vince had a very specific idea of what he wanted, so there’s a mashed potato bar over there.” She pointed toward the far corner of the room. “A stir-fry bar over there.” She pointed to another corner. “A meat bar over there, and finally, in that corner”—she paused and laughed again—“a pizza bar.”

  I sat up straight and looked at her. “You’ve got to be shitting me.”

  “I wish I were.”

  After I’d made two trips to each food station, I was pretty sure someone was going to have to roll me to the car and take me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped—but it was worth every delicious bite. Before long, the DJ turned off the dinner music and started playing something more upbeat. Drinks were flowing at the bar and the brightly colored DJ lights were shining on all of our faces.

  “Michelle?” We both turned in our seats at the sound of her name being yelled.

  I had no idea who they were, but Michelle’s eyes bulged and her mouth fell open in shock as she stood and ran straight into the arms of two women. Then they all began squealing and jumping up and down together.

  They hugged and celebrated for at least five minutes before they eventually made their way over to our table.

  “Viper?” Michelle shouted my name as loudly as she could over the music. I stood and turned around as she motioned toward the women. “These are my friends from college, Sarah and Nicole. Ladies, this is my… friend Viper.”

  “Hi, nice to meet you.” I held my hand out and shook both of their hands. “Did you all know you were gonna see each other here tonight?”

  “No.” Michelle shook her head. “These two were my sorority sisters back in college, and by some weird twist of fate, they both teach at the same school Jodi does. I had no idea.”

  “It’s the best surprise ever!” Sarah hollered as she clapped her hands together and tucked them under her chin while Nicole stood next to her, nodding like a bobblehead doll.

  “It really is. It’s been like what… nine years since we’ve seen each other?” Michelle asked.

  “Yeah, you had just started dating Mike,” Nicole answered, flashing me an awkward glance like she’d said something she shouldn’t have.

  “We really should get together and catch up sometime, for sure.” Michelle leaned in close so they could hear her.

  “Absolutely, but we’ll let you get back to your date here.” Sarah nodded toward me. “It was nice meeting you, Viper.” They both offered up a small wave.

  “You too,” I called back as Michelle and I returned to our seats. I pulled Michelle’s chair out for her and bent down into her ear so she could hear me. “That was interesting, huh?”

  “It really was.” Her eyes dropped sadly to the table as she picked at a spot on the tablecloth.

  I rested my hand on her knee and leaned in toward her again. “What’s the matter?”

 
; She shrugged. “I don’t know. I just forgot how much I missed them until I saw them. I really haven’t done a good job of keeping in contact with my old friends.”

  I lifted my hand to her shoulder, enjoying the feeling of her soft, bare skin under my fingers. “I’m sorry.”

  “No biggie.” She waved her hand. “I’m just in a funk tonight. I don’t know why.”

  The loud music faded out as the DJ grabbed the microphone. “We’re gonna slow it down just a bit here, so grab the one you love and take them for a spin around the floor.”

  I recognized the song as soon as he started playing it. I’d heard it on the radio every five minutes lately, and it made me think of Michelle each and every fucking time. “Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran.

  Completely oblivious to me staring at her, she turned around in her seat. She rested her chin on her arm and her arm on the back of her chair as she gazed out at the couples dancing around the floor. The white lights coming from the electronic disco ball bounced off her face, illuminating her sadness to the point that I couldn’t take it anymore.

  I stood up and offered my hand to her. She frowned down at it for a second before realizing what I was asking. Her eyes flashed up to mine and she licked her lips as she gently put her hand in mine. “I thought Viper doesn’t dance?”

  I kissed the top of it. “Viper breaks his own rules sometimes… but only for someone very special.”

  As we walked out to the dance floor hand in hand, I was beyond proud to call her mine, at least for that night.

  I stopped and held my hand up, twirling her out away from me before pulling her back against me as tight as I could.

  “What was that?” She looked at me incredulously with the biggest grin I’d seen on her face all night.

  “Don’t get your hopes up. That’s the only move I have,” I joked, wrapping my hands around her waist. She rested her forearms on my shoulders and gently rubbed the back of my neck, sending shivers all the way to my fucking toes. As we swayed to the music, she closed her eyes and rested her head on my chest.

  After a minute, she straightened and glanced around the room quickly, dipping her face toward the ground just a bit. “People are staring at you.”

  “I am absolutely one hundred percent certain that I’m not the one they’re staring at.”

  Her eyes glistened and she pressed her lips together. “Viper—”

  “Don’t,” I interrupted, smiling at her as I brushed her cheek with the back of my hand. “I know exactly what you’re going to say because you should say it, but don’t. For now, for just this song… let’s pretend, okay? You’re not Mike’s wife, and I’m not Mike’s best friend. Just this one song.”

  A tear fell from her eye, but she didn’t argue as she laid her head back on my chest, right where it belonged.

  OUR SONG ENDED and we made our way back to the table, both a little depressed that our time together was over.

  “Hey, Michelle!”

  I didn’t bother turning around. I knew it was Sarah and Nicole again.

  “The party is dying down around here, and we were thinking of going to grab some coffee, or a martini.” She giggled. “Anyway, would you want to join us?”

  “Oh, thanks, you guys. That’s so sweet of you, but I can’t tonight,” Michelle answered.

  All I could think about while she turned down their offer was the look on her face when she’d talked about how much she missed hanging with her friends.

  “Wait.” I turned in my seat to face her. “Why not?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. I have the sitter and kids at home.”

  “The kids are sleeping, and I can pay the sitter. You should go.”

  She leaned in close. “You don’t have to do that.”

  “I know I don’t have to. I want to. Seriously… I’ll go relieve Desi, and you go out for a bit with these two.” I turned to Sarah and Nicole. “Can one of you give her a ride home?”

  Sarah nodded. “Absolutely.”

  I shook my head slowly. “You have no reason not to go. You said yourself you missed them.”

  “Oh, please, Michelle?” Nicole begged. “Just for a little while? I swear we won’t stay out late.”

  Michelle’s eyes grew hopeful as they bounced back and forth between me and the girls. “Okay. Let’s do it.”

  Sarah and Nicole shrieked in excitement at an ear-piercing level as Michelle bent down close to me. “You sure this is okay with you?”

  “Yes.” I laughed and nodded. “Go. Have fun. Keep your dress pulled down, please.”

  I drove myself back to Michelle’s house, replaying that dance over and over in my head.

  Could we make it work?

  Could we both let go just enough to make it possible without letting go completely?

  When her head had been on my chest and her arms were around me, I felt like anything was possible. That sounded so stupid and cliché, but it was true. Michelle made me feel invincible.

  Once I was back at Michelle’s, I gave Desi a hundred-dollar bill and sent her on her way. I took my suit jacket off, hung it on the back of a kitchen chair, and unbuttoned my pants to let my full belly loose. I grabbed the baby monitor from the kitchen and lay down on the couch in the living room, flipping to SportsCenter on the TV.

  It was weird being in that room without Michelle there. As I sat there, in the quiet house with SportsCenter muted, my mind started to wander. It was in that very room less than a year ago that Big Mike had told me he could see me married with kids. He’d told me he thought it would soften my cement heart. How fucking ironic that it was his wife I was falling for and his kids I was helping parent? My eyes shifted around the room. Pictures of Mike and Michelle’s wedding still hung on the wall. A bookcase in the corner was filled with framed pictures of their family.

  The four of them at the hospital after Maura was born.

  Mike and Matthew in the front yard, riding bikes.

  Mike, Michelle, and Matthew at Walt Disney World.

  Mike grinning with his hand on Michelle’s pregnant stomach.

  Mike and Michelle kissing.

  My chest started to hurt like I’d been punched square in the sternum. For a second, I thought maybe I was having a heart attack. Then I realized I wasn’t that lucky.

  The living room started closing in around me as I paced the house, on the verge of a panic attack. What the fuck was I thinking hanging out there all the time? Why had I let myself get so close to Matthew and Maura? Why the fuck had I let myself fall for Michelle as hard and fast as I had? Why did I let myself fall for her at all?

  Because of Big Mike, you dumb son of a bitch. You promised Big Mike you’d take care of his family, but instead you stole it.

  I SPENT THE next two hours sitting at the kitchen table with my head in my hands trying to figure out what I was going to say to Michelle when she got home. I didn’t want to walk out of Matthew’s life, not at all, but I couldn’t keep coming to the house to see him. Maybe she’d let me take him once a week or something. The bigger question swirling around in my head was how long was it going to take for me to recover from this? I’d never felt like this about anyone before, and I’d certainly never lost anyone in this way. Could you ever recover from something like that?

  The sound of a key jiggling in the door made my heart sink.

  This is gonna suck.

  I stood up and walked to the kitchen doorway, and I could tell immediately that Michelle had drank too much.

  “Hey,” she whispered loudly.

  “Hey.” My body stiffened as she walked right up to me and wrapped her arms around my waist. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fantastic,” she slurred a little. “I had such a fun time with those girls.”

  “Where’d you guys go?”

  “I don’t know. Some bar.” Letting go of my waist, she wobbled over to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of orange juice. She took a big drink and then stared at the bottle. “We should cook with this.”
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br />   I tried not to laugh at her, but drunk Michelle was super fucking cute.

  “Anyway, are the kids still sleeping?”

  “Yep, not a peep out of them.” I walked over and sat on the kitchen chair, wondering if it was the best time to talk to her.

  “Good.” She trailed her finger along the counter as she slowly walked over to me. “I’ve been thinking about that dance all night. It’s driving me crazy, actually.”

  “Yeah, about that—”

  “Shhh.” She put a finger over my lips. “Don’t say anything now. I don’t want to talk. I just want to finish what we started.”

  Before I could react, she was sitting on my knee and her lips were on mine. She might have been drunk, but she still knew how to kiss. Her lips slowly moved up and down, back and forth against my own. The tip of her tongue darted out of her mouth and into mine as she ran her hands through my hair, roughly pulling me tighter against her. Something inside of me told me to stop, but a bigger something screamed at me to keep going. I hiked her dress up and cupped her ass, lifting her so she was straddling me, all the while praying that the kitchen chair didn’t give out. I sat up straight and ran my hands up her back and around the nape of her neck, pulling her hair gently so I could get to her neck. Tugging the strap of her dress off her shoulder, I kissed and sucked along her collarbone.

  She moaned, grinding her hips against me. “Let’s go in the living room.”

  I ignored her, kissing my way from one side of her chest to the other.

  “Viper, did you hear me?” she repeated through her panting. “Let’s go to the living room.”

  I’d been avoiding that room all night. No way was I going to have sex with Michelle in there. No fucking way was I going to have sex with her at all.

  “Wait a minute.” I pulled back. “We can’t do this.”