Rhialto the Marvellous

by Jack Vance

  Meanwhile, in the Valley of the Scaum, Hache-Moncour made capital of Rhialto’s absence. At his suggestion, Ildefonse convened a ‘Conclave of Reverence’, to honor the achievements of the Great Phandaal, the intrepid genius of Grand Motholam who had systematized the control of sandestins. After the group assembled, Hache-Moncour diverted the discussion and guided it by subtle means to the subject of Rhialto and his purported misdeeds.

  Hache-Moncour spoke out with vehemence: “Personally, I count Rhialto among my intimates, and I would not think of mentioning his name, except, where possible, for the sake of vindication, and, where impossible, to plead the mitigating circumstances when the inevitable penalties are assessed.”

  “That is most generous of you,” said Ildefonse. “Am I then to take it that Rhialto and his conduct is to become a formal topic of discussion?”

  “I fail to see why not,” growled Gilgad. “His deeds have been meretricious.”

  “Come, come!” cried Hache-Moncour. “Do not skulk and whimper; either make your charges or I, speaking as Rhialto’s defender, will demand a vote of approbation for Rhialto the Marvellous!”

  Gilgad leapt to his feet. “What? You accuse me of skulking? Me, Gilgad, who worked ten spells against Keino the Sea-demon?”

  “It is only a matter of form,” said Hache-Moncour. “In defending Rhialto, I am obliged to use extravagant terms. If I hurl unforgivable insults or reveal secret disgraces, you must regard them as the words of Rhialto, not those of your comrade Hache-Moncour, who only hopes to exert a moderating influence. Well then: since Gilgad is too cowardly to place a formal complaint, who chooses to do so?”

  “Bah!” cried Gilgad furiously. “Even in the role of Rhialto’s spokesman, you use slurs and insults with a certain lewd gusto. To set the record straight, I formally accuse Rhialto of impropriety and the beating of a simiode, and I move that he be called to account.”

  Ildefonse suggested: “In the interest of both brevity and elegance, let us allow ‘impropriety’ to include the ‘beating’. Are you agreed?”

  Gilgad grudgingly acquiesced to the change.

  Ildefonse called out: “Are there seconds to the motion?”

  Hache-Moncour looked around the circle of faces. “What a group of pusillanimous nail-biters! If necessary, as Rhialto’s surrogate, I will second the motion myself, if only to defeat with finality this example of childish spite!”

  “Silence!” thundered Zilifant. “I second the motion!”

  “Very good,” said Ildefonse. “The floor is open for discussion.”

  “I move that we dismiss the motion out of hand as a pack of nonsense,” said Hache-Moncour. “Even though Rhialto boasts of his success at the Grand Ball, and laughingly describes Ildefonse’s antics with a fat matron and Byzant’s comic efforts to seduce a raw-boned poetess in a blonde wig.”

  “Your motion is denied,” said Ildefonse through gritted teeth. “Let the charges be heard, in full detail!”

  “I see that my intercession is useless,” said Hache-Moncour. “I therefore will step aside from my post and voice my own complaints, so that when the final fines and confiscations are levied, I will receive my fair share of the booty.”

  Here was a new thought, which occupied the assemblage for several minutes, and some went so far as to inscribe lists of items now owned by Rhialto which might better serve their own needs.

  Ao of the Opals spoke ponderously: “Rhialto’s offenses unfortunately are many! They include deeds and attitudes which, while hard to define, are nonetheless as poignant as a knife in the ribs. I include in this category such attributes as avarice, arrogance, and ostentatious vulgarity.”

  “The charges would seem to be impalpable,” intoned Ildefonse. “Nevertheless, in justice, they must be reckoned into the final account.”

  Zilifant raised his finger dramatically high: “With brutal malice Rhialto destroyed my prized harquisade from Canopus, the last to be found on this moribund world! When I explained as much to Rhialto, first, with mendacity dripping from his tongue, he denied the deed, then declared: ‘Look yonder to Were Wood and its darkling oaks! When the sun goes out they will fare no better and no worse than your alien dendron.’ Is that not a travesty upon ordinary decency?”

  Hache-Moncour gave his head a sad shake. “I am at a loss for words. I would render an apology in Rhialto’s name, were I not convinced that Rhialto would make a flippant mockery of my efforts. Still, can you not extend mercy to this misguided man?”

  “Certainly,” said Zilifant. “To the precise measure in which he befriended my harquisade. I declare Rhialto guilty of a felony!”

  Again Hache-Moncour shook his head. “I find it hard to credit.”

  Zilifant swung about in a passion. “Have a care! Even in your quixotic advocacy of this scoundrel, I will not have my veracity assailed!”

  “You misunderstood me!” stated Hache-Moncour. “I then spoke for myself, in wonder at Rhialto’s callous acts.”

  “Ah, then! We are agreed.”

  Others of the group cited grievances which Ildefonse noted upon a bill of particulars. At last all had declared themselves, and Ildefonse, in looking down the list, frowned in perplexity. “Amazing how one like Rhialto could live so long among us and never be exposed! Hache-Moncour, do you have anything more to say?”

  “Merely a pro-forma appeal for mercy.”

  “The appeal has been heard,” said Ildefonse. “We shall now vote. Those who endorse Rhialto’s conduct and find him blameless, raise their hands.”

  Not a hand could be seen.

  “Those convinced of Rhialto’s guilt?”

  All hands were raised.

  Ildefonse cleared his throat. “It now becomes my duty to assess the penalty. I must say that Rhialto’s absence makes our sad task somewhat easier. Are there any suggestions?”

  Byzant said: “I feel that each of us, in the order that we sit at the table, starting with myself, shall be numerated. We will then go to Falu and there, in order of number, select among Rhialto’s goods until no one wishes to make a further choice.”

  Ao of the Opals concurred. “The idea is essentially sound. But the numeration must be made by lot, with a monitor against all spells of temporal stasis.”

  The system suggested by Ao was eventually put into effect, and all repaired to Falu. Frole the major-domo stepped forward and in an authoritative voice inquired what might be the business of so large a company. “You must know that Rhialto is absent! Come again when he can receive you with suitable ceremony.”

  Ildefonse began a legalistic declamation but Gilgad, impatient with words, cast a spell of inanition upon Frole, and the magicians, entering Falu, set about enforcing the penalties which had been levied at the conclave.

  The irascible Hurtiancz was especially anxious to find Rhialto’s IOUN stones, and sought everywhere, to no avail. A document indited in blue ink on blue paper and cased in a frame of blue gold hung on the wall; certain that he had discovered Rhialto’s secret hiding place, Hurtiancz impatiently tore the document from the wall and threw it aside, to reveal only the vacant wall, and it was Ildefonse himself who discovered the IOUN stones where they hung among the crystals of a chandelier.

  The fine at last was levied in total degree, though not to the satisfaction of those who had been allotted high numbers, nor those who had been slow in pre-empting goods without reference to the numbers. Ildefonse used all his influence to dampen the claims and accusations, meanwhile defending his own retention of the IOUN stones, by reason of service and selfless rectitude.

  At last the magicians went their ways, satisfied that justice had been done.

  3

  In due season Rhialto returned to Falu. His first intimation that all was not as it should be was the sight of Frole standing stiff before the doorway, frozen in a posture of admonition; then, entering the manse, Rhialto took wrathful note of the depredation.

  Returning to the doorway, Rhialto dissolved the spell which had held Frole immobile
through night and day, rain and shine.

  Frole took a cup of tea and a slice of currant cake, after which he was able to report to Rhialto those circumstances which had come under his purview.

  Rhialto grimly restored order to the premises, then made an inventory of his losses and damages. They reduced his powers to a low level.

  For a period Rhialto paced back and forth beside Wilda Water. At last, with no better program suggesting itself, he donned a pair of old air-boots which had been left behind and made his way to Boumergarth.

  Pryffwyd, Ildefonse’s chamberlain, met him at the door.

  “Your wishes, sir?”

  “You may inform Ildefonse that Rhialto is here to consult with him.”

  “Sir, Lord Ildefonse is preoccupied with matters of importance and will be unable to receive visitors today or at any time in the near future.”

  Rhialto brought forth a small red disk and, clasping it between his hands, began to chant a set of rhythmic syllables. In sudden concern Pryffwyd asked: “What are you doing?”

  “Pryffwyd, your vision is dim; you do not recognize me for Rhialto. I am working to place your eyeballs at the end of foot-long stalks. You will soon be able to see in all directions at once.”

  Pryffwyd’s voice instantly changed. “Ah! The noble Lord Rhialto! I now see you perfectly in every phase! This way, if you will! Lord Ildefonse is meditating in the herb-garden.”

  Rhialto found Ildefonse dozing in the slanting red rays of the afternoon sunlight. Rhialto clapped his hands together. “Ildefonse, rouse from your torpor! Vile deeds have been done at Falu; I am anxious to hear your explanation.”

  Ildefonse turned a glance of reproach upon Pryffwyd, who merely bowed and asked: “Will there be anything else, sir?”

  Ildefonse sighed. “You may serve refreshments, of a light nature, as Rhialto’s business will not take us long and he will very shortly be leaving.”

  “To the contrary!” said Rhialto. “I will be here for an indefinite period. Pryffwyd, serve the best your pantry affords!”

  Ildefonse heaved himself up in his chair. “Rhialto, you are taking a high-handed line with my chamberlain and, since we have gone so far, with my refreshments as well!”

  “No matter. Explain why you robbed me of my goods. My man Frole tells me that you marched in the forefront of the thieves.”

  Ildefonse pounded the table with his fist. “Specious and egregious! Frole has misrepresented the facts!”

  “How do you explain these remarkable events, which of course I intend to place before the Adjudicator2?”

  Ildefonse blinked and blew out his cheeks. “That of course is at your option. Still, you should be aware that legality was observed in every bound and degree. You were charged with certain offenses, the evidence was closely examined and your guilt was ascertained only after diligent deliberation. Through the efforts of myself and Hache-Moncour, the penalty became a small and largely symbolic levy upon your goods.”

  “‘Symbolic’?” cried Rhialto. “You picked me clean!”

  Ildefonse pursed his lips. “I concede that at times I noticed a certain lack of restraint, at which I personally protested.”

  Rhialto, leaning back in his chair, drew a deep sigh of dumbfounded wonder. He considered Ildefonse down the length of his aristocratic nose. In a gentle voice he asked: “The charges were brought by whom?”

  Ildefonse frowned thoughtfully. “By many. Gilgad declared that you had beaten his pet simiode.”

  “Aha. Continue.”

  “Zilifant charged that your reckless deployment of plasms had destroyed his fine harquisade tree.”

  “And further?”

  “The complaints are too numerous to mention. Almost everyone — save myself and the loyal Hache-Moncour — preferred charges. Then, the conclave of your peers with near-unanimity adjudged you guilty on all counts.”

  “And who robbed me of my IOUN stones?”

  “As a matter of fact, I myself took them into protective custody.”

  “This trial was conducted by exact legal process?”

  Ildefonse took occasion to drink down a goblet of the wine which Pryffwyd had served. “Ah yes, your question! It pertained, I believe, to legality. In response, I will say that the trial, while somewhat informal, was conducted by appropriate and practical means.”

  “In full accordance with the terms of the Monstrament?”

  “Yes, of course. Is that not the proper way? Now then —”

  “Why was I not notified and allowed an opportunity for rebuttal?”

  “I believe that the subject might well have been discussed,” said Ildefonse. “As I recall, no one wished to disturb you on your holiday, especially since your guilt was generally conceded.”

  Rhialto rose to his feet. “Shall we now visit Fader’s Waft?”

  Ildefonse raised his hand in a bluff gesture. “Seat yourself, Rhialto! Here comes Pryffwyd with further refreshment; let us drink wine and consider this matter dispassionately; is not that the better way, after all?”

  “When I have been vilified, slandered and robbed, by those who had previously shone upon me the sweetest rays of their undying friendship? I had never —”

  Ildefonse broke into the flow of Rhialto’s remarks. “Yes, yes; perhaps there were procedural errors, but never forget, the findings might have gone worse but for the efforts of myself and Hache-Moncour.”

  “Indeed?” asked Rhialto coldly. “You are familiar with the Blue Principles?”

  “I am generally aware of the important passages,” declared Ildefonse bluffly. “As for the more abstruse sections, I may be a trifle dim, but these in any event do not apply.”

  “Indeed?” Rhialto brought out a torn blue document. “I will read from Paragraph C, of the ‘Precursive Manifesto’:

  The Monstrament, like a perdurable edifice, depends on integrated blocks of wisdom, each supporting others with bonds of equal strength. He who maximizes the solemnity of certain passages and demeans another as trivial or paltry for the sake of his special pleading is guilty of subversion and submulgery, and shall be punished as directed by Schedule B, Section 3.

  Ildefonse blinked. “My present remarks are truly no more than badinage.”

  “In that case, why did you not testify that at the time Gilgad’s beast was abused, you and I were walking beside the River Scaum?”

  “That is a good question. In sheer point of fact, I acted on grounds of procedural effect.”

  “How so?”

  “Simple enough! The question: ‘Did you walk with Rhialto by the River Scaum at the exact time Gilgad’s simiode was beaten?’ was never asked. By the rules of jurisprudence I could not properly introduce such evidence. Secondly, you already had been convicted on a number of other counts, and my remarks would only have caused confusion.”

  “Should not truth be known? Did you not ask yourself who in fact had beaten the beast, and why he identified himself as ‘Rhialto’?”

  Ildefonse cleared his throat. “Under the circumstances, as I have explained them, such questions are nuncupatory.”

  Rhialto consulted the torn copy of the Blue Principles. “Paragraph K of Section 2 would seem to describe your act as ‘enhanced dereliction’. A harsh penalty — possibly too harsh — is specified, but the Adjudicator will read justice as it is written and apply the strictures to calm and thorough effect.”

  Ildefonse held up his hands. “Will you take so trivial an affair to Fader’s Waft? The consequences are beyond calculation!”

  “I will cite a third offense. In the looting of Falu, my copy of the Blue Principles was seized, torn and hurled to the ground. In this deed, which is precisely proscribed under Paragraph A: ‘Treasonable Acts’, all conspirators share the guilt, and all must pay the penalty. This is far from a ‘trivial affair’! I thought that you might share my indignation, and work for restitution and punishment of the guilty, but —”

  “Your hopes have been validated!” cried Ildefonse. “I was on the ver
ge of convoking a new conclave, to review the findings of the last session, which now seem to have been guided by emotion. Have patience! The Adjudicator need not be distracted from his passivity.”

  “Convene the conclave as of this instant! Declare at the outset that I am innocent of all charges, that I have suffered inexcusable wrongs, that I demand not only restitution but multiple damages —”

  Ildefonse cried out in shock. “That is an irrational penalty!”

  Rhialto said stonily: “As Preceptor this is your decision to make. Otherwise the Adjudicator must assess the penalties.”

  Ildefonse sighed. “I will call the conclave.”

  “Announce that only two issues will be considered: first, restitution and the imposition of fines, ranging from three-fold to five-fold, and I will hear neither bluster nor obfuscation; and secondly, identification of the malefactor.”

  Ildefonse grumbled something under his breath, but Rhialto paid no heed. “Convoke the conclave! Accept no excuses! All must be present, as I am an exasperated man!”

  Ildefonse put on an air of forlorn good cheer. “All may yet be well. First I will communicate with your only true ally, other than myself.”

  “You refer to whom?”

  “Hache-Moncour, naturally! We will take his advice at once.”

  Ildefonse went to a table, where he placed the semblance of Hache-Moncour’s face over a pair of orifices shaped to represent an ear and a mouth. “Hache-Moncour, Ildefonse speaks into your ear! I bring significant news! Speak with your mouth!”

  “Ildefonse, I speak! What is your news?”

  “Rhialto the Marvellous has come to Boumergarth! His mood is one of doubt and malaise. He feels that the conclave made several legalistic mistakes which tend to vitiate its findings; indeed, he demands triple damages from all parties concerned. Otherwise he threatens to take his case to the Adjudicator.”

  “A great mistake,” said the mouth. “An act of reckless despair.”

  “So I have advised him, but Rhialto is an obstinate man.”

  The mouth spoke: “Can you not reason with him? Is he quite inflexible?”