And Then You

by Amanda Richardson

  I minimize it and shut the computer, feeling like I just violated her privacy. I glance around, and in a moment of weakness, I open her laptop again and click on the email.

  From: “Sam Gyeong”

  To: “Evi Halle”

  Date: November 10, 2014 04:02 a.m. PST

  Subject: RE: Your application for our Seoul, South Korea program

  Dear Ms. Halle,

  Thank you for inquiring about our English program here in Seoul. We are the largest English language school in Seoul, and we employ roughly twenty teachers per semester.

  I don’t normally offer employment to prospective students unless they have their TESOL/TESL certificate, but since you’ve obtained your Master’s degree, I feel confident offering you a full-time position here at our institution.

  Please email me with your availability and we can set up a Skype call to figure everything out. Our new semester starts January 3rd, so we will need you here about a week before that in order to go through basic training. The school will arrange the visa, flight, and accommodation after we’ve spoken in person.

  I look forward to speaking with you, and welcome to Asia Pacific International School!

  Best,

  Sam Gyeong

  Director

  I mark the email as unread and close the computer slowly. I don’t realize how hard I’m gripping it until I set it down. I want to throw it against the wall.

  Evi is going to South Korea?

  I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it.

  I kick the bedpost as I go back into my room and pace the length of it. I’m hungry, but seeing that email left me with almost no appetite. I look outside, and I see Evi running after Bria on the beach. They’re both laughing.

  And my god, she looks so good wearing just a bathing suit.

  She’s leaving.

  When was she going to tell me?

  I march outside, and I know I’m angry. I know I have no right to be angry, because it’s her life, and she’s not obligated to stay. And I definitely should not have snooped.

  Evi looks up as I approach, and I take a few calming breaths. How do I ask her without it sounding like I know about South Korea?

  “How’s it going?” I ask, trying to sound casual.

  She eyes me up and down. She can tell I’m less than pleased.

  Fuck. Why does she know me so well? I see her eyes dance around me, trying to ascertain the situation.

  “Good,” she says uneasily.

  “Good,” I reply, and she runs her eyes over me one last time before looking away. “I was thinking… will you be here for the holidays?”

  “What?” She looks intrigued now, and I feel like a dick.

  “I asked you if you’re going anywhere. For the holidays.”

  “Oh. No. Not planning on it.” She looks away and smiles at Bria, giving her a thumbs up. Bria is carrying two large rocks. “Are you okay, Nick?” she asks, turning to me now and giving me her full attention.

  “I don’t know. Is there anything you want to tell me, Evianna?”

  I hate that I sound like an angry patriarch, but right now, she’s pissing me off with her elusiveness.

  “What are you talking about?” She crosses her arms, and I’ll be damned if mad Evianna isn’t cute as hell. Dammit.

  “Nothing.”

  I turn away and walk towards Bria.

  She doesn’t want to tell me for some reason.

  Whatever.

  It’s probably for the best, anyways. She’s so young. The world is her oyster. I shouldn’t be mad that she wants to see the world instead of settle down with an insta-family. I’m happy for her. Excited for her.

  I try to ignore the ache in my chest when I think about not seeing her every day.

  Thirty-five.

  Evianna

  Nick seems weirdly pissed off about something over the next few days. He’s short with me, and his tone is always clipped—I don’t get it.

  Since the night Nick was drunk, he doesn’t even allude to the idea of us. In fact, he reinforces my position as the nanny over and over, saying things like how much Bria loves me, how she’d be devastated if I left, how he’s thinking of taking a mini-vacation in March, and he needs to know if I’ll be around. He’s acting like I’m going to up and leave at any moment, and I don’t know why.

  He mentioned Bria having abandonment issues at one point a few weeks ago, but I’m beginning to think that Nick does too.

  I try really hard not to stare at him when we all lie on the beach, and on our second-to-last night, the tension becomes almost unbearable. After we all eat at the hotel restaurant, Bria goes to sleep, and I go out to the beach and walk around.

  Tomorrow is our last day and night, and I don’t want to think about it. I love it here already.

  My dad reached out to a school in South Korea even though I asked him not to, and I was horrified to receive an acceptance email our third day here. I quickly and gracefully turned it down. Although it would be a cool opportunity, my heart is stuck in Seattle.

  My heart is stuck on Nick. It feels good to finally admit it.

  Just as I’m about to come in, Nick closes the patio door quietly and walks towards me. I can’t stop staring at the stars, but I pull my eyes away, and now I can’t stop staring at him.

  I watch him as he watches me, and our eyes lock on each other. He’s wearing his bathing suit bottoms, a white T-shirt, and he’s barefoot. His hair is messy from his morning ocean swim—a daily ritual, I’ve come to observe.

  Nick walks over to me and stands next to me as I look up at the stars. They’re magnificent here.

  “I’m sorry, Evi.”

  I stand still, watching him as he looks me up and down. His face is scrunched up in thought.

  “For what?” I ask stupidly, even though I know what he’s apologizing for.

  “Truth or dare?” he asks, and I smile.

  “So that’s how we’re going to do this?” He nods, giving me a very small smile in return. “Okay, dare,” I say, challenging him. His eyebrows raise an inch. He was not expecting dare.

  “I dare you to tell me the absolute truth on the next question that I ask you.”

  “Nick, that’s stupid,” I say. “When you play Truth or Dare, you have to dare the other person to do something, like flash someone or kiss someone.”

  His eyebrows raise even more. Uh-oh.

  “Can I ask you to do both?” he says jokingly.

  I swat his arm. “I’m serious.”

  His eyes grow dark, and he nods to the door.

  “I dare you to stay.”

  What?

  He’s watching me intently, and I have to try and keep myself upright, because my legs have been rendered useless.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I would understand if this is not enough for you, Evi. I would understand if you wanted to leave and see the world. I don’t want you to go anywhere, but I would understand. Okay?”

  I cross my arms and face him.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “What I’m trying to say is… if you want to go to South Korea, I would understand.”

  I take a couple steps backwards. “What?” His eyes are downcast, and he puts his hands in his pockets sheepishly. “How do you know about South Korea?”

  “So, you’re going?” he accuses, and all of a sudden, the air changes. The heat I felt for him turns to anger, and I glare at him.

  “No, I’m not going. My father thought he was doing me a favor by applying for me, and I turned the position down immediately. I’ll ask you again. How did you know about South Korea?”

  He starts to chew on his knuckle and he leans away from me.

  “Umm… I saw one of your emails. I’m sorry. My computer was dead, and it just popped up.”

  I watch him as he shifts uncomfortably. I’m not mad. I’m amused at how shameful he looks, but not mad.

  “Nick,” I say, sighin
g, “I’m sorry you saw that, but I’m even more sorry that you thought you couldn’t talk to me about it.”

  “I didn’t want you to think I was snooping. I’m not like that.”

  “Well, I snooped in your room a few times, so no one’s innocent.” His face hardens, and I can’t help but laugh. “I’d be a hypocrite if I got mad about this.” His face softens. He knows I make a good point. “So you thought I was up and leaving for South Korea all week?” He nods his head and looks at me vulnerably. I laugh. “That explains your behavior…” I trail off.

  “I thought you were leaving, and I would not have blamed you. I mean, you’re only twenty-five. You should go out and see the world.”

  I lean into him, and I resist the urge to pull him into a hug.

  “I am happy here. Seriously. I don’t want to go anywhere. Okay?”

  “Good,” he says, smiling.

  Suddenly, the air changes, and I feel the emotion rolling off of him. He inches closer to me, and I try to keep my head looking up at the stars to keep myself distracted. I see his line of vision follow my gaze.

  “Lie down with me?” he asks, and he gestures to the sand. I look over at him, surprised, but he’s already lowering himself.

  I lie down, and my body impresses upon the warm, soft sand. Nick scoots close to me so that our arms are touching. I can’t believe the stars… I’ve never seen anything like it.

  I’ve also never felt anything like this.

  “Evi?” he asks, and I turn to face him. He has one hand behind his head, and I feel my heart speeding up. The look on his face…

  “Yeah?”

  “Can I tell you something without it sounding highly inappropriate?”

  Oh, god. Here it goes. My heart hammers against my chest. Ba-da-bum. Ba-da-bum. Ba-ba-da-da-dum-dum…

  “I didn’t think I’d ever find this again,” he says softly. “And then you came into my life.” My whole body tenses in the most delightful way. He looks up at the stars, and I realize just how vulnerable he is right now. “If this gets too weird, just say. I know it’s not normal for me to say these things.”

  “Nick,” I say, smiling, “It’s never been normal with us.”

  He smiles and takes my hand. He scoots closer to me, and I feel my whole body reacting to him. How does he do that?

  “Will you go on a date with me?”

  “What?” I whisper. I’m not sure if I heard him correctly. I mean, I want to have heard him correctly, but I don’t know for sure. My face breaks out into a smile.

  “I want to take you out to dinner.”

  Wow. “Of course I’ll go on a date with you, Nick.”

  “Good,” he says, pulling his hand away. He shakes his hand out, and I realize he was nervous. “Tomorrow. I have a friend staying at the next resort over. She can watch Bria. Be ready at six.”

  “I thought the whole point of my coming was to watch Bria,” I joke, smirking at him.

  “Yeah, well, I ended up liking you a lot more than I’d originally planned.” Before I can reply, he gets up and walks to the ocean.

  I breathe out a heavy sigh, and I have to keep myself from screaming in delight.

  A date! Nick Wilder is taking me on a date!

  I’m suddenly very nervous. This is the first time we’ll be together in a non-work-related way, and Bria will no longer be a buffer. It’s kind of scary to think about. Not only because I’m excited in a good way, but because I’m nervous about what this could mean.

  How would this change our arrangement? Nick can’t date the nanny, so I assume I would be replaced, but I do need the money. And I don’t want anyone else to watch Bria. I actually like being her nanny. And what if it turns into something serious? Am I ready to be a mother to Bria? Would Bria even want that?

  And what if it doesn’t work out? Then I can definitely not be the nanny anymore.

  I sit up and watch him as he dives into the ocean. The moonlight is reflecting off of the water, and it’s so beautiful… I see him get out and walk over to his shirt, which was tossed onto the sand before his midnight dip.

  Oh my… Nick shirtless is… wow.

  How is someone like that taking me on a date tomorrow? Somehow, knowing that makes him even sexier to me. Because he’s not just some really hot guy on the beach in Mexico. He’s a responsible doctor who is a great father to Bria. He has his life figured out. And he wants me.

  “Come on,” he yells, gesturing to the water.

  Oh, hell no.

  “No way,” I shout, laughing. “It’s cold!”

  Suddenly he’s running over to me, and I laugh maniacally as I scramble to get up.

  I’m not fast enough.

  Before I know it, he grabs me around my waist and throws me over his shoulders. I squeal with delight, and I beat my fists against his back.

  “Nicholas Wilder! Put me down right now! I’m not going in there! I’m not!” But it seems I don’t have a choice, because the next thing I know, I’m being submerged into the salty, warm water. I dunk my head and shriek as I come up again. “Fuck you, Nick,” I say, laughing and wheezing. He’s just smiling and watching me.

  I’m waist deep, and I see him wade over to me slowly.

  “Nick?” I ask, suddenly shy. “Are you sure going on a date is a good idea?” I say quietly. What I don’t say is I’m not sure if I’m ready to compete with someone who is dead. Someone who holds the number one spot in your heart and always will.

  I watch him as he begins to speak and then stops. The confused, conflicted look is back, and I now realize, he’s fighting the internal battle again—Isabel or Evianna—the battle I’ll never win. I’m not quite ready to be rejected. I’m not quite ready for Nick to tell me that he can’t fall in love with me. There are so many reasons why Nick can’t fall in love with me. I don’t need to hear it from him. I already know.

  He just stares at me. His face is scrunched up, and I can tell he’s hurt. I continue. “I just… I’m not sure if I’m ready to start a relationship with someone who is still grieving, you know?”

  Nick walks over to me and pulls me into him. I have to say, despite the serious conversation, I’m loving the close proximity.

  “Evi, I will always be grieving. I will always love Isabel,” he says quietly.

  “I know you will. And I don’t expect you to ever stop. I hope you don’t ever stop. Because what you had was so, so special. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to be somebody’s number two. I was Dan’s number two. I want to be someone’s number one.”

  “Evianna, please go on a date with me,” Nick begs. He reaches up and pulls my face close to his. “Yes, Isabel was number one in my heart. When you and I first met, I didn’t want to date anyone. I didn’t think I’d ever feel the way I felt about Isabel with anyone else. I didn’t think I was ready. But you were so good to me, and I got swept up. Little by little, I found myself falling for you.”

  He doesn’t kiss me. I know Nick won’t kiss me here—he’s a gentleman. But he just looks at me, his face inches away from mine. It’s almost better than a kiss, in a way. His honey-brown eyes bore into me, and his words replay in my head over and over.

  Nick might be falling in love with me.

  He continues.

  “So I’m asking you to give it a shot. When we first met, I had no idea you’d be so important to me. I had no idea I would lie awake and think about you. I had no idea I would start to visualize a life with you. I’m just asking for one night. All I’m asking for is a little faith.”

  “Faith in what?”

  “Faith in what you and I could have, Evi. Faith in us. I have loved before, and so have you. That love left a permanent scar, a scar that might not ever go away, but that doesn’t mean I can’t fit two people in my number one spot. I think part of the reason I held on so tightly to Isabel was because I was sure a love like that couldn’t happen again. But I was wrong. It can. It did.”

  I watch as his eyes study my face, and I feel a tear slip down my cheek. />
  “Nicholas Wilder… you sure know how to turn the charm on.”

  He smiles, and I can tell that he wants to kiss me so badly. I want him to. But I pull away. I’m not ready yet—the masquerade kiss was different. It was anonymous. I’m not sure that I’m ready to admit that this is really happening.

  “So… we’re still going on a date?” he asks quietly.

  “You made a very convincing argument, Nick. Pick me up tomorrow at six,” I say, as if I’m not going to see him tomorrow, though I know we’ll spend the day together. But it’s nice… work and life separation. It keeps things interesting.

  I don’t look back as I walk back to my room, dripping wet.

  But I know that Nick is happy.

  And that makes me happy.

  Thirty-six.

  Evianna

  We stay on the beach the whole next day, and I can’t deny the electricity in the air between Nick and me. It feels good, so good, and I can’t stop myself from smiling at the prospect of seeing Nick in “dating” mode. He’s only ever been in “boss” mode around me, though when I think about it, that’s not entirely true. When I stop and really think about it, his feelings for me have been pretty clear since day one, but I just don’t think either of us was ready to admit it.

  Around four, once I’m nice and tanned, I head inside and get ready. I panic slightly, because the hotel restaurant is nice, and I only brought shorts and tank tops. Luckily, I remembered to pack one long skirt that can be turned into a nice outfit. I shower slowly, singing along with the iPod stationed in my room, and dry my hair. I leave it down, but I pull one section behind my ear and pin it.

  My cheeks are flushed from the sun, and I find that I don’t actually need makeup—I just put some moisturizer on and dab on some tinted lip-gloss and mascara. My eyes are bright against my now-tanned skin, and the freckles on my nose are much more prominent. I could get used to this.

  I throw on a basic black spaghetti strap shirt and the olive green maxi skirt. I finish the look up with my leather sandals. It’s too warm out for a sweater. The sun starts to set, and I sit on the edge of the bed, waiting for Nick. Around five forty-five, I hear a knock on his door, and a woman’s voice echoes through the walls. It must be his doctor friend.