He had been so angry and hurt, but more than that, he had been horrified by what Rose had been forced to endure all in the name of saving the family. When he had told her that he wanted her to go back to school, she knew he didn’t have the money to help her and that at this point whatever scholarships she may have had were no longer available.
“You loved school, Rose. I want you to go back. You need to go back and begin your life again. I need to know that you won’t let what happened to you ruin your future. You can overcome the past. I know you can, but I also know that school will help.”
“I can’t put you in that kind of debt. Whatever satisfaction I would get from school would be short lived knowing you had to remortgage the house. I can’t do it.”
“I’m not going to have to remortgage the house,” he said quietly.
“But you don’t have that kind of money. I know you don’t.”
“I know. But someone else does.”
She hadn’t thought she heard him right. “What?”
He looked pained when he told her, “Mr. McArthur set up a trust fund in your name. It’s more than enough for college and whatever else you might want.”
“You’re kidding. I don’t want his guilt money.”
She should have known he would try something like this to make himself feel better about what he had done. She wanted no part of it. It made her feel dirty, like she was being paid for her services after all.
“That’s exactly what I told him when he approached me about it. I tried to see what I could pull together, but even if I did mortgage the house, it wouldn’t be enough for all four years. And then a few weeks ago, I heard from Joshua. He must have talked to his father because he had set up generous trust funds for both the girls. The lawyer said that the trusts were legally set up and that they would remain in place for the girls and would stay that way even if they never took advantage of them. The only thing is, if you don’t use your trust within six months, all the monies will go to a charity.”
“You always told me leopards don’t change their spots. I can see that’s true.”
“That may be, but they were both very sincere and Joshua was adamant about you using the money for school. I guess in some ways, now that I’ve had time to think about things, they were victims, too, but it will never excuse what happened to you or their part in it.”
She should have known that regardless of what her uncle told Mr. McArthur or Joshua, the two men would manipulate circumstances in order to get exactly what they wanted. How could she not take the money, if it meant the girls wouldn’t be able to use their trust funds?
She loved everything about NYU. It had been her dream to go there and now that she was, she knew she would never regret her decision to take the money. She told herself that when she could, she would repay every cent back to the trust and then legally gift it to a charity of her choice. As far as the girls’ trusts were concerned, she wanted them to have every penny. It would give them both quality educations and peace of mind for her uncle and her aunt. If something good could come from Mistress Adams’s evil plans, then so be it.
Rose had just come from an English class when she heard her name. She turned and stopped dead in her tracks. Kevin came running up to her.
“Rose. Please don’t run away. I really need to talk to you.”
“Kevin. What are you doing here?”
“Is there somewhere we can go to talk? I could really use a cup of coffee or something.”
She knew he had been at the hospital, but she had never seen him or hadn’t been awake when he was in her room. He wasn’t the enemy. He never had been. Besides, she wanted to talk to him. He was her only link with Joshua. Regardless of how he had left her without a word, she still had dreams where she was in his arms and…she shook herself loose of those thoughts as she smiled at Kevin. She could see relief in his eyes.
“Of course. There’s a coffee shop around the corner.”
Once they were settled with their coffees and scones, she sat silently waiting for Kevin to speak. He seemed to struggling with how to begin, so she tried to put him at ease.
“I’m not upset with you, Kevin. You weren’t a part of anything that happened. If anything, you were the one person who wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt. I remember your kindness.”
“Sometimes when I picture everything that went down, I think I’m watching some stupid B movie where the plot needed more work. I mean, the whole thing is just crazy and sick. I’m glad that woman’s dead. She didn’t deserve to live. She was pure evil.”
“Yes. I agree with you. She was. But I need to move on from what she did to me. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.” She hesitated for a moment, but she had to ask. “Do you still see Joshua?”
“Not really. Fact is, no one sees much of him anymore. Ever since the truth came out about who you really were and after your uncle threatened to kill him if he ever saw you again, he went into seclusion. From what Mr. McArthur tells me, he won’t even speak to him. He’s worried about him and for that matter so am I.”
“He’ll be fine,” she said, hoping that was true. “He still blames himself, but it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his father’s either. They both thought I was in Mistress Adams’s employ and had no idea that I was being blackmailed. We were all a victim of her manipulation. My uncle was mad at the world and he lashed out at them because of…well, because they were involved in her plans even if they didn’t know it.”
“He had every right to be mad and to lash out, just like you do. Only you don’t seem like you’re angry. Have you really forgiven Joshua for the role he played in her vengeance?”
“I told you, it wasn’t his fault. And to be honest…” This was difficult for her to say, but she needed to say it. Maybe Kevin would tell Joshua. “He didn’t rape me. I gave myself to him. He would have never taken me if I hadn’t wanted him to.”
Kevin’s jaw dropped. “You wanted him to do that to you?”
“I know it’s crazy and I’ve questioned myself many times over it. But there was something between us from the moment we set eyes on each other. It was like there was a powerful force at work that couldn’t be stopped.” She shook her head. “I told you it was crazy.”
“No. It’s not crazy. The fact is, for the first time, it kind of makes sense to me. You both fell in love at first sight. A romantic notion that I thought was just that, a notion, not something that could be real. But for you two, it was real. That’s why he was so jealous when he thought you and I were…you know.”
“He was just angry that you wanted what was his. That’s all it was. Love never played into it.” At least not for Joshua, she thought sadly.
“Tell me you don’t love him, Rose.”
She gazed down at her coffee cup and played with the napkin on the table. She couldn’t look at Kevin or he would see the truth in her eyes.
“Look at me, Rose. Please.”
“It’s over between Joshua and me. He left the hospital and never even said good-bye. He doesn’t want me. I’m just a reminder of something very distasteful and sordid that he wants to forget ever happened.”
“He’s in love with you Rose. You would know it was true if you had seen him at the hospital. He was like a wild man until he knew you were going to be okay. I’ve never seen him like that. And when your aunt and the police sorted everything out, he was in agony knowing the part he played. I suspected all along that he was in love with you, but then everything spiraled out of control and the horrific nature of what happened just overtook everything else and I was too busy trying to absorb the details to even think about his feelings for you. That is, until now.”
“Why are you here, Kevin?” Rose asked. She couldn’t allow herself to believe that what Kevin said was true. And if it was, why hadn’t Joshua come to her himself?
“I wanted to see how you were. I came for my own selfish reasons. I wanted to see if you would want to see me again. Now all I want is for you to see Josh
ua. I want you both to be happy, Rose. And I think the only way that will happen is if you are together. I love you, Rose, but as I would love my family, nothing more.”
“Oh, Kevin,” she said, barely above a whisper, realizing the time for the truth had come. Kevin needed to know her true feelings. “I do love Joshua. You were right. I fell for him the moment I saw him even though it took me a while to realize it.”
“You need to go to him. You need to tell him.”
“But what if he won’t see me? I couldn’t bear his rejection.”
“You both need to work this out. Whatever happens, it’s the only way you’re ever going to be able to really move on. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it’s what we need. He needs to know you love him. Please give him the chance to face his own truths.”
Chapter Eighteen
Kevin had called her a couple weeks later and told her that Joshua was still at his apartment. He had stopped by and Joshua had been there. He was alive but he looked ill. He hadn’t been eating properly and the place was a mess. All he had been doing was playing video games and sleeping when he wasn’t setting up trusts for new charities from his own trust fund. That it seemed was his penance for what he felt he had done to Rose. He wouldn’t be happy until it was all gone. A challenging task, Kevin assured her.
She knew she had to see him. Kevin had been right. Both she and Joshua would be stuck in the past until they came face-to-face with each other and their feelings. He might reject her, but regardless, he had to know that she didn’t blame him, that she had forgiven him for making her his submissive and most importantly that she loved him.
Tony was at the desk when she entered the building she had thought never to enter again. She remembered the first time she had walked through those doors and how scared she had been. She was scared now but for entirely different reasons.
Tony smiled. “Miss Rose. You came back. I’m glad.”
“It’s good to see you. Do you know if he’s in?”
“I haven’t seen him leave for since I can’t remember when. I know it’s none of my business, and I don’t know what happened between you, but I know he hasn’t been the same since you left.”
“Can I go up?”
Tony unlocked a drawer and pulled out a key. “I could get fired for this, but I don’t care. Here’s the key to his apartment. I’m not sure he’d even answer the buzzer. His father was here last week and he wouldn’t see him.”
“Thank you, Tony. And don’t worry. I won’t let him fire you.” She took the key and walked slowly to the elevator.
When she opened the door to Joshua’s apartment, it was dark and smelled of stale food. She looked through the dimly lit living room and was aghast at the sight before her. Empty pizza boxes and half-eaten sandwiches covered the tables and floors. It looked like the place hadn’t been cleaned in forever. She picked her way carefully through and headed for Joshua’s office. She opened the door but he wasn’t there. Next, she walked to his bedroom. He was lying across the bed in a pair of dirty sweat pants, his torso naked. He had lost weight and grown a beard. Her eyes devoured him. Regardless of the state he was in, she couldn’t look away from the still-handsome man that had haunted her thoughts.
As if sensing her, he opened his eyes. When he looked at her, he didn’t speak. It was as if he wasn’t really seeing her. She coughed.
“Rose,” he croaked.
“Joshua,” she cried and ran to him. She wasn’t sure he would want her to touch him, but she couldn’t control her need. Dropping her purse by the bed, she climbed onto it and beside him, running her hand along his beard.
“You look different with a beard,” she whispered.
“You’re here,” he said as if he didn’t believe it.
“I had to see you.”
“Why? Have you come back to torture me? How you must hate me.”
She shook her head, letting the tears fall. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.”
“I don’t know why. I hate myself.” The self-loathing in his voice cut through her like a knife.
“You’re not to blame for anything that happened. I told you that. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I fucked you, Rose. I took your virginity. I did things to you that had never been done to you before, that should have never been done to you.”
“Yes. You did those things, but”—she took his face in both her hands—”you never did anything I didn’t want you to do. You made me want you and I still want you.”
“Then you’re sick. I made you sick. Jesus, if it all wasn’t bad enough already.”
He jumped up and stood on the other side of the bed. “Get out, Rose. Get out now!”
“No,” she said calmly. “I’m not leaving. Not yet.”
She moved off the mattress and stood by the end of the bed, a few feet from where he watched her with guarded eyes.
She let her coat slide to the floor. Then slowly she began to take off her clothes. She thought he might stop her but he stood still, watching, not moving. Maybe he was in shock, she wasn’t sure, but she couldn’t stop now. When she standing naked before him, she dropped to her knees with her palms upward on her thighs.
“I need you Joshua. I need you to love me the way I love you.”
“You can’t mean that. You don’t know what you’re saying.” He groaned as he looked down at her.
She raised her eyes and saw the need in his eyes. He still wanted her. At least that was something. But did he love her?
“How I first came to you was a lie, we both know that, but what happened between us wasn’t a lie, it was real. Our feelings were real, at least mine were. I fell in love with you, all of you, even your dominance. I need it and I need to be yours again. I want to feel you inside me. Please, love me,” she choked out, lowering her eyes, knowing she had said all she could. It was up to him now.
With a strangled moan, he picked her up and tossed her onto the bed. “God help me, but I have to have you,” he said, removing his clothing before her covered her body with his own. “Do you have any idea what you do to me? How many times I’ve dreamed of having you beneath me like this?”
“I’m yours, Joshua.”
“Yes. Mine and only mine,” he said before his lips crushed hers in a demanding kiss that left her breathless. The taste of his lips on hers, his tongue in her mouth, and the heat of his body on top of hers drove all conscious thought from her mind as she was consumed with her desire for him. Nothing made sense except this, his body rising to enter hers.
She lifted as she felt his cock enter her, thrusting deep within her, claiming her. With each stroke he brought her closer to the flames that were licking at every inch of her body. Moaning, she arched her back. His lips found her hard nipples and tugged on them roughly. She couldn’t take much more.
“I need to come,” she choked out. “Please, Joshua, let me come.”
“Now, Rose. Come for me now.”
She felt him stiffen as he flowed deep into her core, igniting the inferno that swept through her, leaving no nerve ending untouched. The explosion of erotic sensations was never ending as she was tossed upward through the heat of their lovemaking until there was nothing but their bodies becoming one
They both lay helpless against the other, not moving, just gasping for air. What she had thought was incredible before had just been turned on high. How could something so perfect continue to become even better? Whatever doubts she had about coming here, coming to him, had been washed away in a tidal wave of sensations.
“We have to talk, Rose,” he finally said, his voice shaking.
“Yes, I know.”
“I still can’t believe you’re here.”
He lifted himself from her, his beautiful cock slipping from inside her. Rolling over on his back, he brought her within the crook of his arm, his lips kissing the top of her head.
“Why now? I thought I would never see you again.”
“I didn’t think you wanted to see me again. When
Kevin told me that you were…”
“What? Kevin came to see you?”
“Only to talk about you,” she said quickly.
“What did he tell you?”
“It wasn’t so much what he told me as what he made me see about myself. He knew, Joshua. He knew that I loved you and he thought you loved me.”
She waited as she felt Joshua’s body stiffen slightly next to her. Had Kevin been wrong? Was it just lust for Joshua? With a sob, she tried to turn away from him, but he held her firmly.
“He was right,” he said barely above a whisper. “I think I fell in love with you the moment you walked in my door. You’re all I’ve been able to think about. I didn’t want to love you because I thought you were playing a role, but it didn’t stop my feelings. I hated myself for being so weak. I wanted to hate you, but that was impossible.”
“You do love me,” she cried, letting the tears fall.
“Of course I love you,” he said before he laughed. “How could I not? You’re everything I ever wanted. And when I thought you were gone from my life forever, I didn’t care about anything anymore. All I wanted was to punish myself for what I had done to you.”
He pulled her on top of him and kissed her with such love and tenderness she thought she might die from the joy of it. When he finally let her go, she smiled.
“Will you come home with me for Christmas?”
“To your aunt’s and uncle’s?” His eyes widened.
“Yes. That’s my home. I’m on break from school and I want you to spend the holidays with us, with me. I can’t bear to be away from you again.”
“I don’t think your uncle will want me in his house. He was pretty clear about what he thought of me. I can’t say that I blame him.”
Deception, Dominance, Desire (Siren Publishing LoveEdge) Page 14