Barjack and the Unwelcome Ghost

by Robert J Conley

  “Count it,” I said, and he set down and went to counting. Whenever he was did, I said, “Well, is it all there?”

  “Yes, sir,” he said. “You got it all. That’s wonderful.”

  “Well,” I said, “what ain’t so wonderful is that we only got one a’ the goddamned outlaws.”

  “You got one outlaw,” the moneylender said, “and you brought all the stolen money back. I’d say you did real well, and I believe everyone in town will agree with me.”

  I didn’t want to deal with him no more, and I said, “Get that money back into the bank.” He stuffed it back into the sack and tuck it outta the place with him. “Well,” I said, “that’s that. By the way, Sly, what the hell did you do with that stiff?”

  “I dropped it off in front of the undertaker’s parlor,” he said. “Just hitched the horse outside.”

  “Did you tell anyone?” I ast him.

  “No. I figured he’d find it in the morning when he opens the place up.”

  “Well, hell,” I said, “I reckon you’re right about that. Still, I expect we had ought to tell him about it. Happy, you run over and wake him up and tell him.”

  “Yes, sir,” Happy said, and like before, he jumped up and run outta the place. It come to me that I was sure as hell lucky to have ole Happy for a depitty, but I damn sure weren’t going to tell him that. I finished off my whiskey and waved the empty glass in the air, and ole Aubrey come real quick with my bottle and poured it full again. Bonnie got up and went to the bar for her refill, and I watched her various parts a-bouncing all over the place as she went. She sure was ample. Sly finished his one drink and stood up.

  “I’d better be getting along,” he said.

  Bonnie had just came back to the table with her fresh drink, and she said, “Good night, Mr. Sly,” and several of the others around the table said something like that to him. I kinda grunted is all I done. Sly touched the brim a’ his black hat and walked on outta the place.

  “Barjack,” said Dingle, “you never did answer the question of whether or not we’re going after the robbers again.”

  “I been thinking on it,” I said, “and it come to me that they’re way outta my jurisdiction. I’m just only a town marshal is all, you know. What I can do is I can send wires to all the towns south of us to look out for the bastards.”

  “I’ll be going after them,” said Miller, “at least one of them.”

  “That there is your right and your privilege,” I said, and I drained my glass and helt it up for Aubrey to see. It come into my head then that I had ever’ intention a’ getting my ass good and drunk that night.

  Chapter Six

  Well, hell, I slept purty late the next morning, and I woked up in my own bed. I ain’t got no idee who put me in it, and to tell you the truth I didn’t really give a damn neither. I slept so damn late that ole Bonnie was even up and gone. She weren’t nowhere in the room. Well, I set up kinda slowlike and helt my head in my hands for a spell and rubbed my eyes somewhat. Final I stood up and kinder staggered across the room to where a bowl a’ water set on a table, and I splashed my face in it a bit. Then I dried me off with a towel. I got my ass dressed kinda slow, and the last thing I done was I strapped on my Merwin and Hulbert self-extracting revolver and then put my hat on my head. I walked outta the room and down the stairs.

  Bonnie was a-setting at my table with Butcher and Happy, and ole Dingle was even there. Aubrey had me a drink and a cup a’ coffee there by the time I set my ass down. Bonnie said, “Thanks, Aubrey,” I reckon on account a’ she knowed that I weren’t about to say nothing atall to him. I tuck me a big slug a’ that wonderful stuff, and I felt some better all of a sudden. Then I went to sipping that hot coffee. I looked up and around, and I realized that someone was missing. Then it come into my mind real slow that I didn’t see no Churkee around nowhere.

  “Say,” I said, “where’s that damn Churkee at?”

  “Miller?” said Happy.

  “Yeah, sure,” I said, “that Churkee Mose Miller. Who the hell else? You know any other Churkees in town?”

  “Well, no,” said Happy. “I sure don’t.”

  “Well,” I said, “where the hell is he?”

  “Oh,” Happy said, “why, he rode out a’ town early this morning.”

  “He rid out early?” I said. “Where the hell’d he go?”

  “He went out after that feller.”

  “That Cody?” I said.

  “Yeah. That one. Cody. He went after him.”

  “Goddamn it,” I said, slapping my hat down on the table and nearly spilling my drink. I never spilt it, though. Instead I picked it up and took a good long drink. I thunk about what I had said about it taking me outta my jurisdiction to go after him, and I coulda kicked my own ass if I was still able to do it. I didn’t like the idee a’ Churkee going after that son of a bitch all by his lonesome. I got to tell you, I had went and tuck a liking to that fool Indi’n. “Did anyone go with him?” I ast.

  “No, sir,” said Happy, “He went out all by his lonesome.”

  “Well, shit,” I said. I stood up and paced around a bit.

  “Are we going after him?” Happy ast me.

  I didn’t answer him right away. I was kinder wanting to go after him. That Cody still had him three pards as far as I could tell. But it really was outta my jurisdiction. After all, I was only the town marshal a’ Asininity. And he had a good start on me, and that Cody even had a better one. “No,” I said. “Hell, no, we ain’t going after him. We ain’t going nowhere.”

  Just then that goddamned pettifogging Peester come walking into the Hooch House, and he come right back to my table. I set back down to my whiskey and my coffee. Peester walked back and stuck out his hand for me to shake, but I ignored it.

  “Congratulations, Barjack,” he said. “That was a great job you did yesterday.”

  “What the hell you talking about, shyster?” I said.

  “Why, getting that outlaw and bringing back the bank money, of course. You did a great job.”

  “Oh, that,” I said. I never bothered to mention that it were Sly what done it all. “Hell, it’s just all part a’ the job, Mayor.”

  “Well, we’re all real proud of you, Marshal,” Peester said.

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  “Well, uh, I’ll be in my office if you need me for anything,” he said, and he turned and walked back outta the place. I damn near said, “What the hell would I need you for?” but I never. For once I kept my damned mouth shut. Bonnie musta been thinking the same thing. She smiled at me real sillylike and patted me on the arm. I felt like smacking her one, but I never done that neither. Hell, I knowed better. She could hit harder than me.

  “Barjack,” she said. “You’re a hero again.”

  “I ain’t no hero,” I said.

  “Yes,” she said. “You damn sure are.”

  “Aw, sugar tits,” I said, “I don’t want to talk about it no more.”

  She hugged me real tight and said, “All right, sugar. We won’t talk about it no more, but you are a hero.”

  “All right,” I said. “All right.”

  “You’re my hero.” And she smacked me on the side a’ my face with a real wet, sloppy kiss. When she pulled away from me, I wiped the slobber off my skin. Then I picked up my tumbler and tuck me another drink.

  “Your coffee’s going to get cold,” she said.

  I picked up the cup and tuck a sip, and it was already kinder lukewarm, I made a face and put the cup down. “It ain’t quite cold,” I said.

  “It’s tepid then,” said Dingle.

  “Tepid?” I said. “What the hell does that mean? Tepid.”

  “Well,” said Dingle, “it means kind of lukewarm. You know, cooled off but not yet cold. Tepid.”

  “Tepid,” I said. I kinder liked the sound a’ that word. “Tepid.”

  I tuck up the cup again and dranked down the rest a’ the tepid coffee. Then I had me another drink a’ whiskey. I emptied the glass
on that one, and ole Aubrey started over with my bottle, but I waved him back to the bar and stood up.

  “Where you going, Barjack?” Bonnie said.

  “Over to my marshaling office,” I said. “I got some paperwork to do.”

  “Well, don’t go nowhere else without telling me first,” she said.

  “I ain’t going nowhere else, cute ass,” I said. I walked on out onto the sidewalk and headed for the marshaling office, and I swear to God, ever’one I passed on the street slapped me on the back and said, “Congratulations, Marshal,” or “Good job, Barjack,” or some such trash. I just grumbled at the first couple of them. After that I just kept on a-walking and didn’t even let on I heared them. When I come to the marshaling office, I fetched myself my bottle and poured me a glassful. I had dranked down about half of it when ole Doc Cutter come into the office. I looked up.

  “Howdy, Doc,” I said.

  “Barjack,” said Doc. “Martin’s dead. I just thought you’d want to know.”

  “Dead?” I said. “Hell, he was just shot in the goddamned leg is all.”

  “He lost a lot of blood before you got him to me,” Doc said, “and he still had the bullet in his leg. He likely got some lead poisoning. Anyhow, he’s gone.”

  “Well, I be goddamned,” I said. “Set your ass down, Doc, and have a drink.”

  By God he did, and I found another glass and poured him one. He tuck a healthy sip.

  “Well,” he said, “you got one of them anyway. One for one. That makes it even.”

  “Even ain’t what I aim for, Doc,” I said. “There’s four more of them bastards, and I ain’t sure which one of them shot ole Martin. I do know who was the ringleader, though, and he’s still loose out there somewheres. There’s four more lawbreakers out loose, and they needs to be in jail or kilt. No. I ain’t satisfied with one for one.”

  “No,” Doc said, “I guess not.”

  Now, I had done been thinking on this ever’ since I had heared about Churkee riding out all by his lonesome that morning, but this little bit a’ converse with ole Doc made me think about it even harder and more specific. I was absolute damned ashamed a’ my own self for letting that Cody and his pals ride off, even without the bank money. It come to me that I had got to do something, and I got up right then and walked out, leaving Doc with what was left a’ his whiskey, and I went right on over to ole Peester’s office. It kinder startled him whenever I barged in.

  “Peester,” I said, “I got to talk to you.”

  Well, he calmed hisself down, and then he said, “What is it, Barjack?”

  “What does the law say about me leaving outta my jurisdiction to chase after them goddamned bank robbers?”

  “Well, I—I’m not sure,” he said. “You could take a leave from your job and go out as a bounty hunter, I guess.”

  “A goddamned bounty man?” I said.

  “Wait a minute,” he said, and he turned around and pulled a big fat book off a shelf behind him. He put that book on his desk and went to thumbing through it, and when he come to a certain page, he went to reading it over. Then he looked up at me. “Barjack,” he said, “as long as you’re pursuing someone who committed a crime in your town, you can go after him.”

  “The son of a bitch robbed our bank,” I said.

  “You can go after him,” said Peester. “It’s all right. It’s legal.”

  “That’s all I need to know,” I said, and I turned around and left outta his office and headed right back to the Hooch House. Happy and Butcher was both still setting at my table with ole Bonnie. So was Dingle. I walked right on over there to them.

  “Happy and Butcher,” I said. “We’re riding out after that damned Cody. Get over to the office and get our guns ready. Plenty of bullets. Get our horses ready.”

  “Barjack?” said Happy. “What about your jurisdiction?”

  “I done checked on that with ole Peester,” I said. “It’s legal on account a’ the bastards robbed our bank. Now get going.”

  “Yes, sir,” said Happy, and him and Butcher both jumped up and run outta the place.

  “Bonnie,” I said, “I got to do this.”

  “I know, sweetie,” she said, and she stood up outta her chair and give me a squashing hug. When I got loose and could breathe again, I said, “Have Aubrey pack us up some grub. We could be gone for a while. And a few bottles a’ good whiskey.”

  “Right away, Barjack,” she said.

  I got my horse and rid over to where Sly lived with my onetime wife and found him home. I ast him to ride along with us, and he agreed. First he had to go to her fancy eating place and tell his snotty wife that he was a-going. Ole Henshaw seed the boys gathering up in front a’ my marshaling office, and he come a-running.

  “You going after them, Barjack?” he said.

  “Damn sure am,” I said.

  “I want to go along. Oscar Martin was my best friend.”

  “Well, hurry up and get your ass ready,” I said. “You can catch up with us on the road.”

  “I’ll be right behind you,” he said, and he run off to get his horse and guns. Sly come riding up then.

  “All right,” I said. “Let’s get our ass going.”

  We rid off right quicklike, heading out the same way we had gone before. I knowed that we should catch up with Churkee before we come across Cody or any of his three remaining pals. Well, we rid out most a’ that day, and we went right past the two trails what them two had tuck to throw us off the trail or else just to get me to split up my posse, and we rid past that place where we had got ambushed. We didn’t see no one along the way, and we rid on to the next town. We stopped in front a’ their saloon what was a little bitty ole place, not nearly as nice as my Hooch House, and we all went inside and ordered up some whiskey. I had packed some a’ my own along in my saddlebags, but I decided to buy me a drink in a saloon instead a’ drinking my own stash.

  That barkeep was eyeballing my marshal’s badge. He shoved my drink up under my nose there at the bar, and then he said, “Town marshal, huh? What town, if you don’t mind my asking?”

  “Asininity,” I said.

  “Asininity,” he said. “You’re Barjack?”

  “That’s right,” I said. “That’s my name.”

  I dranked down my shot a’ whiskey and shoved the glass back toward him. He poured another shot. “I’ve heard about you,” he said.

  “Good or bad?” I ast him.

  “Well, now,” he said, “that depends on who it is doing the talking.”

  “Who was the last one?” I said.

  “Feller rode through here not long ago,” he said. “Called hisself Cody, I think. He said you was kinda high-handed. Run the town like it was all yours.”

  “Cody, huh? Is he still around?”

  “No. A Indi’n come into town a-looking for him. Cody shot the Indi’n and lit off outta town.”

  “This Indi’n,” I said, “is he kilt?”

  “No. He was hurt bad enough, but our doc’s got him over in his office. I hear he’s mending pretty good.”

  Well, I turned down my whiskey, and then I said, “Tell me where your doc’s office is at.”

  He tole me, and I headed my ass on outta there. My pards all follered me out. It was across the street and a few doors down. I found it all right, and I barged right in. The doc was a-setting at a desk, and he looked up right surprised when I barged in there.

  “My name’s Barjack,” I said. “I hear you got a friend a’ mine in here shot.”

  “I’ve got an Indian in the back room,” he said.

  “How is he?”

  “He took a bullet. Pretty bad, but he’s getting over it all right. You say he’s a friend a’ yours?”

  “That’s what I said. Can I see him?”

  The doc nodded his head toward a door on the back wall a’ his office, and I went on through it. My pards was all waiting outside on the sidewalk, so it were just me going in there. I stepped through the door, and there was o
le Churkee all right. He was setting up in bed, and his chest was all ban daged up.

  “Barjack,” he said. “What are you doing here?”

  “When I found out you run out on me, I follered you,” I said.

  Chapter Seven

  “Are you still after Cody?” Churkee ast me.

  “The son of a bitch robbed my bank,” I said, “but it don’t look to me like as if you’re in no shape to ride along just now.”

  “I don’t believe I could even sit a horse right now,” he said.

  “Well, hell,” I said, “then I reckon I’ll just have to keep on after him without you. When you come on him, did he have them other three with him?”

  “I never saw them.”

  “I hate to leave you outta this,” I said, “but I reckon I just as well get on the road.”

  “Wait a minute, Barjack,” Churkee said. “I think I can save you a lot of riding.”

  “How’s that?”

  “If you just go back to Asininity and wait, I believe that Cody will ride right back there.”

  “Why the hell would he do that?”

  “His pride. Didn’t you kill one of his men?”

  “Well, yeah. That is, the ole Widdamaker done it. What’s that got to do with it?”

  “Sly got the one that was carrying the money. Right? Well, Cody wants the money, and he wants revenge. He’ll go back to Asininity. The only thing is, he won’t ride in the way he did before. He’ll be sneaking in.”

  I thunk over what he had said to me for a minute, and then I said, “If I was to get a wagon to haul you in, you want to go back with us?”

  “Hell, yes,” he said.

  Well, I found a wagon all right, but the feller what owned it didn’t aim to give it up, so I kinda forced the issue with him. I wound up taking the wagon and giving him a note for payment. I told him he could send the note to ole pettifoggin’ Peester for payment. I don’t think he believed me none, but he tuck the note anyways, and I tuck the wagon. I waited till I had driv a good distance aways from the son of a bitch before I went and holstered my ole Merwin and Hulbert again. Betwixt me and the other boys, we come up with enough blankets to make ole Miller the Churkee more or less comfortable in the back a’ the wagon, and we headed back for Asininity right away. We hadn’t got too far down the road, though, afore we all got kinder hungry, so we stopped beside a’ the road and built up a fire to cook us up some grub and make some coffee. I pulled a bottle outta my saddlebags and had me a good long snort a’ good brown whiskey. I offered some to Miller, thinking that it might help him get his healing did, but he declined it. I thunk that was pretty foolish of him, but I never said nothing about it to him.