The floor was still wet where the blood had been. Bonnie looked at it. Then she picked up the five hundred smackers and poked them down betwixt her tits, just like I told her.
“So there could be more,” Polly said.
“That’s the way I figgered it,” I said. “Keep your eyes peeled for strangers toting guns.”
“What do we do if we see a gun-toting stranger?” Bonnie said.
“Shoot them,” I said.
A gunshot sounded outside, and much as I sure as hell didn’t feel like it, I shoved back my chair and stood up. As I headed for the front door, Bonnie and Polly come after me. We got out on the sidewalk and seed ole Butcher standing there with his shooter in his hand and a poor wretch laying out in the street in a spreading pool a’ blood with a big hole in his chest. He was wearing two guns, but they was both still in their holsters. I didn’t know who the former person was.
“What the hell’s going on here?” I said.
“I shot the son of a bitch, Marshal,” said Butcher, “just like you said to.”
I looked at Bonnie. “You know him?” I ast.
“I ain’t never seen him before,” she said.
“Me neither,” I said. “I reckon he was a stranger all right. Check through his pockets, Butcher.”
So Butcher went to digging, and guess what? He come up with five hundred bucks. I tole him to give it to Bonnie, and she put it with the rest. “Give me his guns,” I said, and Butcher pulled off the belt and handed it to me. It was a nice, new-looking pair a’ Smith & Westerns. Roosians, I think they was. Butcher looked up at me with a questioning look on his dumb face, and I said, “Take him off with the other’n.” He did.
Me and the two gals went back inside, and it wasn’t no time before ole Pisster-Peester, our pettifogging mayor, come hurrying in. He come right to my table and pulled out a chair and set down across from me a-staring straight into my face.
“What’s the matter, Pisster?” I said. “You think I’m pretty to look at or what?”
“No, Barjack,” he said, “I sure don’t think you’re pretty. In fact, I think you’re one of the ugliest bastards I’ve ever looked at.”
“Then how come you come in here to stare me in the face?”
“Barjack, what the hell is going on here?”
“We’re just setting here having us a quiet drink,” I said.
“I wouldn’t call it quiet,” he said. “Anything but quiet. You’ve had a small army out searching everything in town. And in the last few minutes, there’ve been two men killed. So what’s going on?”
“Well, Mr. Mayorness,” I said, “you know that son of a bitch Cody what robbed our bank and we got his whole gang but not him and we got the money back?”
“Yes. Of course.”
“He’s a-loose in town, and we’re a-looking for him.”
“How come you haven’t found him?”
“On account a’ he can make hisself invisible,” I said.
“Oh, hell, that’s not possible.”
“Don’t be too damn sure,” I said. “You know, I learnt myself how to fl y.”
“I have heard that,” the mayoralty said, “but I’ve never seen it.”
“Do you have to see something to believe it?” I ast him.
“Most usually.”
“Did you ever see the president of the United States?”
“No. I never have.”
“Well, do you believe that there is such a thing?”
“Of course I do.”
“So you see?”
“Oh, hell, Barjack, never mind about fl ight and invisibility. What about the two killings just a few minutes ago?”
“Cody hired them two assholes to kill me,” I said. “I got one of them first, and Butcher got the other’n first.”
“Are you sure of that?”
“Course I’m sure. They’re both dead.”
“No. I mean, are you sure that Cody hired them to kill you?”
“The first one tole me that he had just before I shot him dead, and then I found five hundred bucks on him. The second one had five hundred on him too.”
Ole Pisster sure did look worried, and after all that converse, he looked like as if he didn’t know what to say no more neither. Final he stood up and put the hat back on his head.
“All I can say is, hurry up and catch that Cody. We can’t have a man like that running loose on our streets.”
“We’ll get the son of a bitch,” I said. “I don’t think he can stay invisible for too long at a time.”
He give me a hell of a look then, and he hurried on outta the place.
Chapter Eighteen
Well, no one seen nothing a’ that damned Cody for a couple a’ days or more, I don’t rightly recollect for exact. Me and ole Bonnie was setting, just the two of us, in the Hooch House at our own private table whenever she kindly invited me to go upstairs with her. I didn’t have nothing else to do at the time, so I accepted, and we walked up the stairs and down the hallway to our private room. I was surprised on account a’ she had a tub a’ water waiting there. She had went and ordered it up without letting me know. The only thing was, it was plain, clear water. There weren’t no suds in it nor nothing like for a regular bath.
Bonnie went to pulling the clothes off a’ me, and whenever she had me stripped down nekkid, she tole me to get into the tub, and I done what she said. She peeled off her own things pretty damn quick too, and then she kindly startled me when she went and stepped over the edge a’ the tub, getting one foot on either side a’ me.
“Bonnie,” I said. “Goddamn it. What the hell are you doing? There ain’t room in here for the both of us.”
“Oh, bullshit,” she said. “There’s a-plenty a’ room.”
Then she done it. She went and set down in the water, and whenever her mass went under the water, well, the water just natural rose up, and it rose up so high that it went and sloshed out all around. It sorter flooded the whole damn floor of our room. I was a-fixing to protest like hell, but she went and tuck a deep breath and ducked her head plumb down under the water, and what she done to me then, well, you wouldn’t believe it if I was to tell you.
Now I thought I had seed it all, but that there really did take the cake. It was so damned exciting that I was finished in no time atall, and she come up outta the water with her mouth wide-open and gasping for air.
“Bonnie,” I said, “where the hell did you learn how to do that? Damn, I thought you was about to drowned yourself down there.”
“Did you like it, Barjack?” she said.
“Oh, hallelujah, sweet ass, I never even imagined nothing like it before in all my life.”
Well, whenever we went back downstairs, Butcher and Happy was setting at my table, and it was all I could do to keep it to myself what had went on upstairs, but I knowed that Bonnie would knock the shit outta me if I said anything about it, so I kept my yap shut. Then Pisster come in and hurried over to my table.
“Barjack,” he said.
“I can hear,” I said, “you don’t need to be a-yelling out into the street.”
“All right,” he said, quieting down his voice some, and he pulled out a chair and set down. “All right, but he’s been spotted again. He’s still right here in town.”
“You talking about that goddamned Cody bastard?” I said.
“That’s just who it is I’m talking about,” he said. “Your Indian friend spotted him just as he went around the corner. He chased him, but he never saw him again.”
“You sure about that?” I said.
“I heard it right straight from the Indian,” he said.
“You still gonna tell me that it’s impossible for him to make hisself invisible?” I ast him.
“Oh, hell,” he said, “I don’t know anything about that.”
“Where’s Miller at now?” I said.
“Still looking, I guess,” Pisster said.
“Come on,” I said to Butcher and Happy, “let’s go give
him a hand.”
They followed me out, and so did Bonnie, even though I weren’t really talking to her whenever I said that. We done the whole thing over again, what we had already did several times. We went from building to building. Me and Bonnie wound up back at Widder Rogers’s place, and even though the widder was still setting in jail, we went inside. Whenever we barged into the room that Cody had rented under the name a’ Jones, a man what was laying on the bed jumped up surprised.
“What’s the meaning of this?” he said.
“Who the hell are you,” I said, “and what the hell are you a-doing in here?”
“I rented this room legitimately,” he said. “What right have you to barge in here this way?”
“He’s got every right. He’s Marshal Barjack,” Bonnie said. She was holding her little Merwin and Hulbert .38 out in front a’ herself.
“Marshal?” the man said. He was of a average height and weight, and he was dressed up kindly like a miner. He had a red beard and a headful a’ red hair. I couldn’t recall that I had ever seed him before nowhere.
“Now that we got that all straight,” I said, “let’s set down and you answer me a few questions.”
“Sure thing, Marshal,” he said, and he set on the edge a’ the bed.
“How can you have rented this place legitimate,” I said, “when I have got the owner locked up in my jailhouse? And when I locked her up, this here room was rented out to someone else?”
“Oh. Well, I rented it from a man named Jones,” he said. “He told me he could sublet it.”
Me and Bonnie give each other a look.
“What’s your name?” I asked the feller.
“Pennybaker,” he said. “Did I do something wrong?”
“I reckon not,” I tole him, “but if you see that Jones again, come by my office or the Hooch House and let me know. Right away.”
“Yes, sir,” he said. “I’ll do that.”
Well, the search ended up that night just like it had them other times, except that night, I set out sentries on all a’ the ways outta town. I got ole Pisster to back me up on that, so we knowed that we had Cody hemmed up in town. There wasn’t no way for him to get out. Course that hadn’t never been our problem. Our problem was that we knowed he was in town, and we still couldn’t find the chickenshit son of a bitch. He disappeared. Never mind what that damned pettifogging mayor had said. Cody disappeared whenever he wanted to. We decided to try another tactic this time. I had Happy and Butcher ride down the street and yell for ever’one to get outside and stand in the street. Then Miller and Polly and me and Bonnie checked inside the buildings. We done that with ever’ street in the whole damn town. We never found him.
I begun to wonder what a invisible man et, on account a’ we couldn’t find no one in town what had fed him or seed him eat a meal nowhere. Anyhow, a couple a’ nights later, me and Bonnie was in the Hooch House again and there weren’t no one left in there but ‘cept me and her. Ever’one else was out watching the streets. She give me a coy invite up to our private room, suggesting that we might repeat the wonderful adventure what we’d had the last time. I went up with her in a hurry, and pretty soon we had a tub a’ warm, clean water setting in the middle a’ the room. I got nekkid and clumb in, and Bonnie done the same thing as she had did the last time, even to sloshing out half a’ the water. Then she sucked in a lungful a’ air and went under. She was hard at work under there, whenever the door of our room come open, and that redheaded and redbearded feller from the widder’s house stepped inside and looked at us.
“Goddamn it,” I yelled. “What the hell are you a-doing here?” I didn’t figger he was just returning the favor of a unannounced visit.
Well, I reckon that sound a’ my voice carried right on under the water, on account a’ Bonnie heared it and come up and looked over her shoulder and seed that damned Pennybaker a-standing there. She let out a hell of a shriek and stood up, but whenever she stood, her feet went and slipped on the slick bottom a’ the tub, and she fell over back’ards, but only she never fell plumb outta the tub. Instead, her great big butt landed on the back edge a’ the tub, and her massive weight went and caused that end a’ the tub to go over and land on the floor, and the other end a’ the tub to rise up. Whenever that happened, a’ course, all a’ the water was slung out and all over Pennybaker, and Bonnie went sliding across the floor. She stopped when she run into Pennybaker’s feet. I come outta that tub too, flying out face-first, and my head went sliding up betwixt Bonnie’s legs.
Pennybaker slipped too; whenever Bonnie run into his legs, his feet went to slipping on the wet floor, and he landed on his ass right in the middle a’ the open doorway. When his butt hit the floor, he fired a shot into the ceiling. I commenced to scampering across the floor on my hands and knees toward my gun as fast as ever I could go, and he was a-trying to get back up on his feet, but he was still a-sliding. I made it to my Merwin and Hulbert and pulled it out and turned it on the son of a bitch. He was just about up on his feet again, and before I could shoot, I seed that his red hair was nothing but a damned moppy-looking wig, and the water sloshing on him had knocked it kindly cockeyed.
“Cody,” I said, “you son of a bitch,” and I snapped off a shot, but just as I did, he slipped again and fell back onto his ass. My shot went high over his head, and he turned and scooted out the door. I managed to get up onto my own two bare feet, but when I went to walking, I slipped on the wet floor and went back down again. “Goddamn it,” I yelled. I got up again, and this time I walked kindly like a penguin so I wouldn’t slip again. I had to step across ole Bonnie’s big shape, and I did final get my bare nekkid ass out in the hallway, and I looked up and down but I never seed the son of a bitch nowhere. He coulda gone either way.
I hurried on down to the far end a’ the hall and stepped out onto the outside landing. I never seed him, but a woman passing by seed me and shrieked. “To hell with you,” I shouted at her, and I went back inside and hurried to the other end a’ the hall, where the landing overlooked the saloon. I was standing on the very spot from where ole Bonnie had flung my ass that time I had learnt to fl y. “Hey,” I shouted. “Anyone see a red-haired bastard come down these stairs after them shots was fired?” Well, ever’one in the whole damned place looked up whenever I shouted out like that, and a’ course, they all seed me standing there nekkid as a goddamned owl and holding my shooter ready. I ‘spect they was all a-wanting to laugh at me, but they was skeered to. Several said no and shuck their heads. The son of a bitch had disappeared on me once again.
I plopped my goddamned bare feet back into the room and set my ass back down on the bed. I was plumb by God pissed off. I was getting goddamned tired of that disappearing bastard. I wanted him to stand up and face me like a real man, and I begun to get a idee a’ how Miller the Churkee and ole Pistol Polly was a-feeling about him. They had more reason to hate his guts than what I had, and then they had the same reasons on top a’ all that as what I had.
I reached over to the table for the bottle a’ whiskey what we kept in our room, and I found it near empty. I picked up the glass from off the table anyhow and poured the remains a’ that bottle in it. Bonnie had final managed to get her ass up of a’ the wet floor, and she waddled over to the bed. “Barjack,” she said, “did he—”
“The son of a bitch disappeared again,” I said. “He’s still a-loose in our streets.”
“You want me to fetch you your clothes?” she ast me.
“No,” I said, “hell, I’m too pissed off to get dressed. I’m just going to set here nekkid and get drunk.”
“I’ll get something on,” she said, “and go get you a fresh bottle.”
“That’d be real nice, pussy willow,” I said.
She shrugged herself into something and left the room, and I set there getting more and more pissed off. The whole damn room was wet. The bath tub was standing on its goddamn end, and I was setting there nekkid and wet too a-holding on to my Merwin and Hulbert self-extract
ing revolver a-thinking about killing a feller name a Cody. When Bonnie come back to the room with the bottle, I tuck it and opened it and poured me a whole damn glassful.
“Aubrey asked me what the hell we was up to up here,” she said. “Water’s leaking through the roof down behind the bar. He even got his head dripped on, and he was pouring a glass a’ whiskey for a man, and water come running down in it.”
“Tell Aubrey to charge a little less for watered whiskey,” I told her, “and tell him that anything further about the water ain’t none a’ his goddamned business.”
“I’ll tell him,” she said.
Then I ast her to go out and find my depitties and send one to each end a’ our landing to watch out for that bastard Cody. She hustled her ass off to do that, and I tuck me a long, long drink.
That Cody had me so frustrated that I commenced to wondering if maybe ole Pisster was right about me being over the hill. I knowed I was a-getting older, but I hadn’t never thunk much about that. I went to thinking about it just then, though. I thunk about that time me and Miller and Polly had been set afoot in the hills, and I like to’ve died trying to keep up with them two young’uns. And I thunk about that Cody what kept disappearing on me. Course, he kept disappearing on ever’one else too, but I never considered that. I was feeling sorry for my own ass. I wondered if I did get the bastard right smack in front a’ my eyeballs if I would be fast and accurate enough to take him out.
Now, I hadn’t never worried about shit like that before. I would ruther have just slipped up behind a damned owl hoot and shot him in the back or maybe bashed him over the head, but that son of a bitch had me squirrely. Even though I had learnt to fly, a man disappearing on me like he was a-doing was enough to get me kinder shuck up. I thunk about maybe retiring, if we ever was to get Cody. Then I thunk about Cody maybe retiring me unvoluntary, if you get my meaning. Retiring me from ever’thing. For good. I didn’t like that thought too damn good.
I caught myself thinking that I hoped that Miller would run up against him before I had to, or even Pistol Polly. I imagined either one a’ them blasting Cody straight to hell, and then I had a kinda vision a’ Polly and Miller both a-blasting away at Cody, but just before their bullets shoulda tore into him, the bastard just disappeared. Goddamn but I was a mess. I looked at my glass and seed that I had drunk it empty, so I got the bottle and poured my glass back full again. I dranked that glass off in a hurry too. I wondered what ole Dingle would think about me getting too old. Would he ever write another book about ole Barjack?
Barjack and the Unwelcome Ghost Page 14