Heartbreak Warfare

by K. B. Webb

  I rest my hand on Jasmines leg and begin to rub small circles on the inside of her thigh with my thumb. I know Charlie. He’s ignorant, but I don’t think he is trying to intentionally be racist. He just doesn’t understand how to be politically correct and he is also too drunk to really know what the hell he is saying. I respect the hell out of Jasmine for handling this situation the way she is because if it was me, I know I wouldn’t handle it the same way. Right after my brother died, one his high school buddies was shit faced at Ricky’s one night and had the nerve to tell me Colt died because he was a worthless drunk fuck up. I lost it and beat the shit out of him. I knew my brother was drunk when he died, that was a fact, and I knew he could be a fuck up. But he was not worthless. To me he was worth more than anything or anyone, and I knew I wasn’t the only person who felt like that. In that moment, I couldn’t handle hearing some drunk dip shit degrading him like that, so I fucked him up. I joined the ARMY shortly after that, realizing I needed an outlet for my aggression besides drunk guy’s faces.

  “Charlie,” I unhook my seatbelt and spin around to address him, “get the fuck out of the truck.”

  He mumbles something under his breath but gets out anyway and Jasmine does the same.

  “Um, Davis, I think you got lost. This isn’t where I live, this is a fucking cemetery.”

  “Nope, we’re in the right place.” I turn around and look at him, tilting my head to let him know to follow me. I glace at Jasmine and see her standing still with her arms wrapped around her stomach. It takes a second for me to realize why she looks the way she does. Her parents are dead and I brought her to a cemetery. I am an ass hole.

  I walk up to her and place my hands on her shoulders and she glances up at me. “Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about this being hard for you. We can go if you want.”

  She shakes her head and I drop my hands from her shoulders, holding a hand out for her. She locks her fingers with mine and smiles sadly at me.

  I walk to Colt’s grave with Jasmine’s hand death gripping mine and Charlie following, well stumbling, behind.

  When we reach his headstone, I reach down and run my finger across his name. Colton Samuel Davis. Jasmine’s hand lets go of mine. She leans down, touching the picture on his headstone.

  “OK Davis, seriously, why the fuck are we here. I’m sorry your brother died, but couldn’t you have come for a visit another time?”

  I turn around and stare at him dead in the eyes. “Were you gonna drive tonight?”

  “Well, yea. I know I’ve had a few, but I drive better when I drink. It would have been fine.”

  I take a large step towards him and he stumbles back, almost falling on his ass.

  “You can barely walk. How the fuck were you gonna drive?” I shake my head at him and reach out grabbing his shoulder and steering him towards Colt headstone.

  “He used to always say he drove better when he say drunk. He said he paid more attention than when he was sober. Colt had been driving when he was too shit faced to be doing so ever since he got his license. Hell, I had been too. So when he drove off that night, I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t go after him like I should have. Maybe if I had he would still be here and I wouldn’t have to come visit a cemetery to feel close to my brother again. Maybe he would be here to tell you himself how fucking stupid it is to drink and drive. Maybe our parents wouldn’t be shells of the people they used to be before they buried their baby boy. But you know what Charlie, those maybes don’t fucking matter. What matters is the fact that my baby brother is buried here. He’s dead Charlie. For doing something that he had done more times than he can count.”

  I see him shifting around uncomfortably, staring at the ground.

  “Can you imagine what your mom would go through if she lost you? Hell, even if you were one of the lucky ones and didn’t get in a wreck and kill yourself, imagine what getting a DWI would do to your career. Do you really think they would want someone with a record coaching high school kids? Imagine if you would have hit someone else Charlie. Could you deal with killing another person because you were a fucking idiot? Imagine the pain you would cause another family.”

  “Holly broke up with me today.” Charlie looks at me, some of the drunkenness fading from his eyes.

  “Holly?” I’m caught off guard by his comment. Mainly because I have no clue what the fuck he is taking about.

  “Holly Perry. From high school. We’ve been, well, we had been dating for almost a year. I was going to propose to her and this morning she just packed up her shit and left me. No reason. Just fucking left me man.” He looks back at the ground and shifts his feet. “I mean, I guess she kind of had a reason. I think she left because I drink too much. I don’t get like this every night, but I do drink every day. She never said anything about it but I know she didn’t like it, but I did it anyway. Now, she’s gone.”

  “So you’re telling me Holly left you because you drink too much so your solution is to get shit faced then attempt to drive home? Do you see how fucking stupid that is man?”

  He nods his head slowly.

  “Look Charlie,” he takes his eyes away from the ground and makes eye contact with me, “you want to drink, that’s on you man. Hell, I still drink, but I don’t drive after more than a few beers. If I know, for whatever reason, I am going to hammered I always make sure someone can drive me home. I don’t want to imagine how bad things could have been tonight if I hadn’t picked you up, and I don’t think you do either.”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry man. Not just for tonight, for everything. I have been a real dick to you over the years.”

  “Dude, no worries. That’s in the past.”

  It isn’t until we turn to head back to my truck that I realize Jasmine is nowhere in sight. I start to panic and begin screaming her name and racing around looking for her. This is like a bad horror movie and those never have a good ending.

  After what feels like hours, but can’t be more than minutes of searching, I find her sitting on a bench in the mausoleum. She’s just staring blankly ahead of her.

  “Jasmine, what are you doing in here? Are you OK?” I sit down next to her and that’s when I see it, two names side by side; Jason Roger Slade, Sr. and Carolyn Wilhite Slade.

  “The car they were in caught fire. They were dead before it happened, but their bodies were so badly damaged that Jason decided to get them cremated since they already partially were.”

  “Jasmine,” I don’t want her to feel like she has to talk about this to me. I know better than anyone that conversations like this never get easier, no matter how long it’s been since someone passed.

  “They were hit by a drunk driver and their car rolled 5 times before it slammed into a tree and caught on fire.” I knew her parents were dead, but I had no idea how they died. Knowing all the hell that losing someone to such a senseless accident brings on a person makes me feel sorry for her, though I’m sure she would hate me if I told her that.

  “Their bodies were burned but they could still be identified, so Jason went and identified them. All he ever told me was that he was grateful I never saw them like that.” She shakes her head fiercely like she’s trying to knock the visual picture she has placed their out.

  “Hey,” I wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her towards me, “let’s get you home. K?” She nods and stands. Placing a hand on each name plate, I hear her say ‘love you most’ softly before she turns away and walks towards me. When she is beside me, I hold my hand out and she takes it.

  We don’t say a word as we walk hand in hand to my truck. I open the door for her once we reach it, and this time, she lets me help her inside. Once I’m in my seat she reaches over and grabs my hand again, holding it tightly, like it’s her life line.

  Charlie crawls in the back seat and doesn’t say a word the whole ride to his house besides giving me directions. I think he can tell that something is going on with Jasmine, but I think he is also trying to work out his own stuff
in his head too. From what he told me tonight, he has a lot to figure out.

  We pull in the driveway of his house and he opens the door, jumping out of the truck.

  “Jasmine,” he knocks on her window and her head pops up like she totally forgot he was even there. She rolls it down and Charlie takes a step back so he can look up at her, “I’m so sorry for what I said to you. I may be drunk, but that doesn’t give me an excuse to act like an ass hole. I really am sorry. I was out of line. I have a bad habit of saying dumb shit thinking it’s funny when all I’m really doing is being a dick.”

  Jasmine lets go of my hand, opening the door and jumping out of the truck. For a second I think she is going to deck Charlie right in the face by the way she just keeps staring at him. Instead though, she reaches out and grabs him, hugging him. “Don’t drink and drive anymore please. You could ruin a whole lot more than just your life.” She pulls away from him and he nods at her showing he understands before turning and walking towards his house. Before he can get to the front door, I see it fly open and Holly walk out and meet him outside the house. He stares at her for a moment before he drops to his knees and wraps his arms around her stomach. I see tears running down her face when she looks up at me. She looks a little shocked at first, but then she smiles and mouths ‘thank you.’ I nod at her and put the truck in reverse.

  We drive for a few minutes before she speaks.

  “You probably saved him tonight. And his relationship.”

  “I don’t know about all that. I hope that it did some good though. Charlie has never been my favorite person and he was a real shit head in high school, but I think he wants to change.”

  “You knew him?”

  “Yep. Since we were 14.”

  “Do you only give rides home to people you know?”

  “No, actually I don’t usually know them at all.”

  We pull into the parking lot of our apartment building and I throw the truck in park. We both unhook our seatbelts, but neither of us make a move to get out.

  “Why do you do that? I mean, I know why, but why did you start?”

  “Well,” I shift my body so that my back is leaned against the truck door and I’m facing her. “One random Friday night I saw Dani trying to get a guy, who was way too trashed to drive, to give her his keys. He was giving her a hard time, so I took over. I sat down with the guy and talked to him for a while and when he wasn’t looking I snuck his keys away. When he went to leave again and couldn’t find them, I offered to give him a ride home. I actually had to drive by the cemetery to get to his house and something just told me to stop, so I did. I talked to the guy for a while and explained to him what had happened to Colt, then showed him where he was buried. The guy broke down. Told me his wife had left him and taken his kids and he had just lost his job, all because he was a drunk. I told him the name of a local rehab. I went to high school with a guy who’s one of the directors. Anyway, about a month later, he called me. He had enrolled himself in a 90 day program and was getting his shit together. His wife and kids visited him every weekend and he said they were trying to work things out. He said I saved his life. I don’t know if I believe that, but I like to think I helped him. So, I started doing it a few times a month. I try to help people when I can. Sometimes it works, sometimes people think I’m insane.”

  “You’re a really good guy, Ryan. You saved that guy, and I can bet you have impacted more people than you think.”

  She doesn’t give me a chance to respond before she turns and gets out of the truck. I follow her into our building and ride up the elevator in silence. When we get to her door, I stop and wait for her to unlock it.

  “You owe my pancakes, Ryan Davis.”

  I laugh at nod at her, “I do. Rain check, I promise.”

  She pushes her door open, but pauses in the frame.

  “Thank you for tonight.”

  “I don’t really know why you’re thanking me, but you’re welcome I guess.”

  “Like I said, you impact more people than you think you do.” She smiles at me and stands on the tips of her toes, kissing me on the lips briefly. “Night Superman.” She shuts the door while I’m still standing there looking like a fucking love struck puppy with a dopey ass smile on my face.

  After I regain my composure, I walk back to my apartment, kicking off my boots and throwing off my clothes as I make my way to my room.

  I lay down in my bed and turn on ESPN, trying to get the girl who is on the other side of my bedroom wall out of my head. Since mindless TV isn’t working, I turn it off and decide to do what I always do when I can’t sleep, talk to Colt.

  “I can’t decide if you would high five me for hanging out with Jasmine or kick my ass for being an idiot. She told me that she met you a few times. Only you could call a bad ass chick like Jasmine buttercup and not get your ass kicked. She’s a smart ass like Molly and sarcastic like Wynee, and I know how you loved those two. You would give me a shit about her being too hot for me though.” I laugh to myself alone in the dark. “I know I’m playing with fire, but you know me, I won’t give up till I get burned.”

  I rub my palm over the constant ache in my chest from losing Colt. Even talking to him like this fucking hurts, but it also helps. I feel close to him at his grave, but just talking to him like this brings me some kind of mental peace knowing that he’s somewhere listing to what I’m saying and probably calling me a dip shit.

  “Love you bro. Watch over mom and dad, they need it right now.”

  I wait for a response, but like every night for four years, there isn’t one.

  The pain doesn’t go away over time. It’s still there, but so is the anger. Some towards Colt, but mainly towards myself.

  I couldn’t save my brother that night, so now I try to save strangers. Maybe Jasmine’s right and the things I do have an impact on some people.

  Right now though, all I can hope is that whatever I’m doing is having an impact on Jasmine, cause God knows everything she is doing is having an impact on me.

  You know what sucks about mornings? Fucking everything. It’s not even 8:00 in the morning and I am wide awake and already been for a three mile run. This shit never happens, but after last night, I couldn’t sleep.

  I’m not an emotional kind of girl, but being around Ryan and seeing the way he just kind of puts all of his emotions, good or bad, out in the open brings mine out. I didn’t plan on spilling my guts about how my parents died, but it just happened. Ryan and I belong to a club that no one wants to be a member of and in some strange way, it strengthens our bond.

  My emotional melt down wasn’t the only reason I couldn’t sleep last night, no, most of my restlessness’ was brought on by the fact that I kissed Ryan. I knew I shouldn’t have. I fucking knew it, but I did it anyway. Apparently I was in a bad decision making mood last night.

  Jason has always told me that toddlers are better at taking directions than I am. Obviously he was right. He would likely disown me and undoubtedly beat Ryan’s ass then fire him if he found out. Lucky for me though, I never plan for him to know.

  After my run, I took a shower and decided to call Dani. I have to tell someone about last night and who better to tell than my fellow bad decision making best friend.

  “Why the hell are you calling me so early?” Dani’s voice is mixed with worry and a bit of annoyance.

  “Well good morning to you too sunshine!”

  “Yea, yea, whatever. Why are you up so early for real?”

  “I couldn’t sleep for shit so I got up early and went for a run.”

  There’s silence on her end and I know what she’s thinking. I only wake up for early morning runs when I am stressed or upset.

  “Oh sweet baby Jesus Jasmine. Did you fuck Ryan?”

  “No! I swear I didn’t, but I did kiss him.” I wince and pull the phone away from my ear when her voice raises a few octaves.

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now? After everything Lucas and I told you. Shit, after everythi
ng Jason told you, you kissed him. You could get him fired Jasmine. Fired!”

  “I know Dani. I know, but it just happened. We hung out and talked and he went all tattooed Superman and I just couldn’t deal with all of it. My ovaries were screaming ‘DO HIM! DO HIM!’”

  “Wait, wait, what are you talking about ‘tattooed Superman’ stuff?”

  I walk into my living room and fall back on my couch in what I’m sure is a very overdramatic fashion. “Oh Dani! It was so sweet and sexy all at the same time. He picked up a drunk guy from Ricky’s and ended up having a come to Jesus with him at his brother’s grave, which is the same place my parents are buried, so I told him about my mom and dad and he held my hand and was sweet and understanding, and just ugh! I couldn’t resist!” I rush out all of my words worried that if I pause for even a moment I won’t go through with telling her.

  “You told him about your mom and dad?” She whispers her words. I think she’s scared to push me for too much information. Dani knows I tend to breakdown when forced to talk about my emotions.

  “Yea, it was kind of reliving honestly. He understood, but didn’t push me.” All of a sudden everything hits me at once. Less than twenty four hours ago I was trying to find a way to get Ryan in my bed and now I am thinking of ways to keep him in my life on a daily basis. This could turn bad quickly if I don’t wrangle in my emotions.

  “Oh sweetie. You’re falling hard and fast. I love you Jasmine, but I don’t think this is a good idea.”

  “I know, Dani, I know. I can’t get into any kind of relationship with Ryan so I won’t go there, I promise. He’s just a nice guy, and I don’t meet a lot of those.”

  She lets out a long sigh and starts to talk, but before she can really get anything out, Lucas takes the phone.

  “Abu, what the fuck is going on?”

  “Lucas, I know you’re pist, but I don’t need your shit right now OK? I already feel bad enough without your guilt trip.”

  “Alright. I won’t guilt trip you, but I will tell you the truth because you need to hear it and I’m not going to sugar coat shit like Dani does.” He pauses for a second and I can hear him moving around then hear a door shut so I know he’s moved outside.