Heartbreak Warfare

by K. B. Webb

  It’s not you bitch! It’s me! I want to scream at her, but I don’t. I just keep my eyes on Ryan.

  “Hey y’all,” his deep voice booms through the bar and sends a wave of heat straight to my core, “I’m Ryan and these guys are Texas Line. If it’s cool with y’all, we’d like to play a few songs.” The crowd cheers and all of the ladies in the bar scream, including me.

  “This song’s called “Hands on You”,” he starts singing and I instantly recognize the lyrics. It’s a Florida Georgia Line song that he sings around the house all the time. He finds my eyes and hold’s contact with me while he’s singing. In this moment, despite all the bullshit that has happened in the last few hours, I feel like it’s just me and him here. In this moment, I don’t stress about Casey, or Molly, or Jason. This is about Ryan and I and the connection we have, because honestly, no matter how anyone else feels about us being together, I know how we feel about each other, and that’s what matters.

  “So, how’s it going between you two?” I don’t turn around when I hear Molly’s voice because I know she’s not talking to me.

  “It’s going great! I really think he’s into me. Do you think it would be too forward if I went home with him?” Are you fucking kidding me! I want to yell at her that he’s not into her so she don’t have to worry about being too forward!

  “Well, do you think he wants you to go home with him?” Great, now Molly is just feeding her delusions.

  “Yea, I think he does. He told me all about the great pancakes he eats on the weekend and how he likes to eat breakfast on his balcony and look out over the river. I mean, why would he say all that if he didn’t want to eat breakfast with me, ya know?”

  I drown out her conversation after that because it honestly makes my heart hurt a little. The reason he eats great pancakes on the weekend is because I cook for him, and I’m the one he eats breakfast with on his balcony. I don’t get why he would tell her things like that. Those are supposed to be things he just shares with me.

  I don’t know if it’s all the alcohol in my system or the knot in my stomach, but I feel like I need to puke. I run outside hoping the fresh air will help my mind and my stomach calm down.

  As soon as I step into the humid, Louisiana air I take a few deep breaths in and out. What matters is how Ryan and I feel about each other, right? I keep repeating this to myself for a few minutes trying to get my emotions in check.

  “Hey! What are you doing out here?” Ryan finds me leaning against the side of the building. His eyes are filled with worry and as much as I just want to let how I feel go, I can’t. He should have been worried about me when Molly was talking to me like I was a piece of shit, but he wasn’t, and I can’t get over that.

  “Why didn’t you stand up for me when Molly told me to leave?”

  “Jasmine, I’m so sorry. I just didn’t know what to say.”

  “Um, I don’t know, telling her she was being a total bitch would have been a nice start.”

  “I just can’t do that. Molly’s my best friend, and you’re,” I cut him off before he can finish his sentence.

  “I’m your what Ryan? I’m the girl you’re sleeping with? You couldn’t even tell her that you were seeing someone so she wouldn’t try to hook you up with Casey.”

  “You fucking told me not to! You told me not to tell anyone till you told your brother so don’t put that shit on me.”

  “Don’t yell at me! My reasons for not telling Jason are to protect you and your job. What’s your excuse for not telling Molly, huh?” He doesn’t answer me, instead he just kicks at the gravel of the parking lot with this boot. “Exactly. You have no reason for not telling her you were at least seeing someone. It’s sad that Lucas had to be the one to defend me because you couldn’t even tell her that she was being rude. How the fuck is this ever going to work if you can’t do that, huh?”

  I don’t give him time to come up with an answer, I honestly don’t know if I care right now. I walk back into Ricky’s and see Lucas behind the bar helping Dani. I decide that as soon as he helps her get caught up on drink orders, I’m asking him for a ride home. I’m way too drunk to drive right now, but I can’t stay here any longer.

  Dani sets a beer down in front of me and mouths ‘I’m sorry’ before going back to the other customers.

  I see Ryan walk back into the bar and head straight for the stage. This time he doesn’t speak to the audience before he starts playing, just turns to the band and says something. They all leave the stage and it’s just Ryan alone standing in front of the microphone.

  The familiar strings of “Heartbreak Warfare” by John Mayer start playing. When he starts to sing, I feel the knot in my stomach start to tug at my heart. His voice is laced with a mixture of sadness and anger, and I hate knowing that I’m the reason for that.

  Are Ryan and I in heartbreak warfare? Is our relationship destined to crumble before it ever really starts? The more he sings, the more my heart hurts and I feel hot tears run down my cheeks. I’m wiping them away when Lucas sits down next to me. I look at him and when he sees my tears, he knows something is wrong. I hear him tell Dani that he’s leaving to take me home and he’ll see her when she gets off work. She tells me she will call me later, but I can’t even look at her.

  Lucas grabs my hand and starts pulling me through the crowd toward the door. Right before we walk outside, I look at Ryan. He’s still standing on stage, singing his heart out, but he’s staring at me. His eyes widen when he sees the tears running down mine, but he doesn’t stop singing or try to get me to stop leaving. He just stares at me until we walk out the door.

  There’s part of me that knows I am being unreasonable and over emotional, but, there is also a part of me that thinks I am justified in being upset. Tonight I had to watch Ryan get majorly hit on and I watched him stand by while I was talked down to. That hurts like hell, and no matter how irrational I know I am being right now, the pain doesn’t go away.

  Lucas and I get into his truck and drive back to my apartment without saying a word or turning on the radio. The only sound inside the truck are my quiet sobs and the sound of me trying to catch my breath.

  When we make it to the parking lot of my building, I jump out of Lucas’ truck and head inside. I know he’s behind me because I hear his truck door shut and the sound of his boots.

  We make it into my apartment and I throw my shoes off. “Hey Jasmine, why don’t you go get in bed and I’ll just hang out here for a while in case you need anything?”

  Tears are steadily running down my face but I try to gain some composure before I speak, “Lucas, I know you’re worried about me, but you don’t have to stay. I’ll be OK.”

  I turn around and look at him as I try to put on my best fake smile.

  “You’re not ok. You and I both know that. But, if you don’t want me to stay I won’t.”

  “Am I a complete dumb ass for thinking Ryan and I could work out?”

  “Not at all. Dani and I were in the same boat y’all are not long ago, so I know that trying to figure all the feelings and shit out is a bitch. But, that doesn’t mean that it can’t work.”

  “You wanted to be with Dani though.”

  “And I believe Ryan wants to be with you. You can’t let the opinions of others depict the way you live your life.” He starts to walk towards the front door of my apartment, but stops short. “Abu, I’m gonna tell you what Dani’s mom always tells her,” life wisdom from Linda Gail is exactly what I need right now, “life’s hard, then you die.”

  “How the fuck does that help me right now?”

  “Life’s hard Jasmine. Whether you stay with Ryan or not, it’s gonna be hard and one day, after you’re done with all the hard bullshit, you’ll die. Do you want to die with regrets or die knowing you woke up every day and lived your life for you and did what you wanted? It’s your choice how you live your life, no one else’s.”

  “Thanks Lucas.”

  “I’ve always got your back Abu. And despite the
jackass Ryan is being right now, I don’t think you should give up on him just yet. Just promise me you’ll talk to him before you make any big decisions.”

  “Promise.”

  After Lucas leaves, I lie in my bed, trying to stop my heart from beating a mile a minute and the room from spinning. I have to talk to Ryan and figure out what the hell is going on between us and where this is going. Tonight proved to me that thinking you know where you stand with someone and having them show you where you stand are two very different things. I just hope and pray Ryan is ready to show me where we stand, because right now, I don’t know if I can keep this relationship, or lack thereof, going based on just thinking I know how he feels.

  After Jasmine left with Lucas, I cut my set short, telling the guys that I have to go deal with some important stuff. I walk to the bar to close out my tab, and from the way Dani is treating me, I know that Jasmine told her about us and right now she wants to kick my ass. I can’t say I blame her. I find Molly and tell that I’m not interested in Casey and there is nothing she can do or say that will change that. I also tell her that she had no right to be as rude to Jasmine as she was. She’s caught off guard and gets pist off at me, but right now I don’t care. Molly may be my best friend, but I should have said something the moment she got an attitude with Jasmine, but I didn’t, and now I am paying for it. I almost tell her that Jasmine and I are together, but after the shit that went down tonight, I don’t know if we are anymore.

  I drive home faster than I should, but I know I have to talk to Jasmine. As I’m walking into our building, Lucas is walking out.

  “Lucas, man, is she OK? I saw y’all leave and left as soon as I could. I gotta go talk to her.”

  “Don’t do that tonight man. Just let her be, alright?”

  “Lucas, I know you think you’re looking out for her, but I don’t think you understand…” He cuts me off before I can finish my sentence.

  “You’re right man, I don’t understand, and here’s why. Jasmine wants to be with you man, and she really fucking cares about you. She cares about you so much that she’s more worried about you losing your job than her brother disowning her, and Jason is the only family she really has. She cares about you so much that she’s putting what is best for you ahead of what’s best for her, and you couldn’t even keep some chicks hands off you long enough to stand up for her.”

  “Lucas, I get that, I do, but it’s complicated with Molly and after y’all left I did say something.”

  “Too fucking late man.” He starts to walk away but stops and turns around, walking back towards me so that we’re standing face to face. For a second I think he’s going to punch me, but then he starts talking again, “I fucking went to bat for you with her man. I just stood in her apartment, while she was crying over you, and defended you and told her to give you another chance, and now I don’t know if I should have done that. I get that Molly is your best friend and y’all have a history, but if you want to be with Jasmine, you’re going to have to learn to stand up to her. I don’t know what the fuck her problem is, but I won’t stand by and let her talk shit to someone I care about, and you shouldn’t either.”

  With those final words, he walks to his truck and I walk inside. Once I get to our floor, I pass Jasmine’s door to get to mine and stop. I stand outside of it for a few moments, wanting to knock knowing she’s probably still awake, but I don’t. Instead, I walk to my apartment and slam the door behind me.

  I shower to get the bar smell off of me before getting in bed. I do the one thing I always do when I need advice. “Colt, man, I fucked up big time. I need some help, a little nudge in the right direction to make sure I don’t completely ruin whatever is going on between me and Jasmine. Just, put in a good word for me and wish me luck when I go grovel in the morning. Also, I need some help with this whole Molly situation. I don’t know what her deal with Jasmine is, but I have to find out. Wish me luck bro. I really wish you were here to kick my ass for being such a dick tonight. You would probably have told Jasmine that she could do better than me though, and I think right now you would have been right. Love you man. Keep an eye on all of us, we sure as hell need it.”

  I fall asleep thinking of all the things I can do to win Jasmine back and prove to her that this is serious for me. As long as I have her by my side, I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks. I just pray I can convince her of that.

  Bang! Bang! Bang!

  The fuck is that?

  Bang! Bang! Bang!

  I wake up from a deep sleep to the sound of someone pounding on my door. I look at the clock and realize it’s not even 5 a.m. Who in the fuck?

  I storm down the hallway ready to chew someone out, but when I swing the door open I see Jasmine standing in my hallway.

  “We need to talk.” She’s pist, which is completely understandable, but it’s still dark outside for Christ’s sake.

  “Um, sure. Come in.” She walks in and heads straight for my kitchen and starts a pot of coffee. She turns around and faces me and I finally get a good look at her. She’s beautiful as always, but her face is red and her eyes look completely exhausted.

  “Have you been to sleep at all?”

  “No.”

  “Have you been crying?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Were you watching another one of your sappy shows?”

  She looks me dead in the eyes, “No.” Fuck, that hurts. If she wasn’t watching some shitty girl show then I know I’m the reason she’s been crying.

  “Jasmine,” she cuts me off, holds her hand up and turns away from me. She grabs two coffee cups and pours us both some, handing me mine and walking out to my balcony.

  She sits down at the table outside and takes a long sip of her coffee. I want to speak and tell her how sorry I am, but I feel like she needs to say some things first so I just shut up and wait for her to speak.

  We sit in silence for a few minutes before she finally says something. “Lucas told me I need to stand up for myself more. He was talking about my brother, but I think I need to do it right now too.” Fuck. I hate that she feels she needs to stand up for herself when it comes to me. I should be the one standing up for her, not the one making her feel like this.

  “Jasmine, I am so sorry.”

  “Can you just wait till I’m done? I have been up all night working out how to say all this in my head and if you start talking it will just fuck it all up.” I nod at her, but keep my mouth shut.

  “I fucked up last night. I jumped to the conclusion that you wanted Casey to be all over you even though you told me otherwise. I got too drunk and let my emotions take over. I stormed out like a pist off 3 year old instead of staying and talking things out with you, and for that I’m sorry. I should have handled some things differently, but you should have too.” She turns in her chair and faces me, and lifts her body up so she can fold her legs underneath her ass. “You should have stood up for me when Molly told me to leave. I didn’t expect you to say that I was your, whatever I am, but you should have said something. I would never, ever, let someone I was friends with treat you like that. But, you just stood there while she pushed me away. Lucas stood up for me. Lucas, who 99% of the time thinks I’m a total pain in the ass, told Molly how rude she was being while you just stood there and didn’t even try to do anything about it. There was no effort on your part to defend me at all, and that really fucking hurt. That wasn’t even the worst part though, no the worst part was that after she talked to me like I was total shit, you sat there with Casey and let her flirt with you and put her fucking hands on you while I just had to sit there and watch. Now, how would you have reacted if Dani would have tried to set me up with some guy and I let him fucking touch me even though I knew you would be watching?”

  “I would have kicked his ass.” I know I’m not supposed to talk, but I have to answer. She’s right, I would beat the shit out of any guy that put his hands on her. Hell, I know she and Lucas are just friends, but when he put his arm around her la
st night, I got jealous. We may not have a title, but Jasmine is mine. No man gets to touch her.

  “Exactly. I didn’t do that though, and let me tell you, that was fucking hard. I wanted to beat the shit out of you and her, but I didn’t. After talking to Dani I pretty much calmed down. It still hurt to think of her even thinking she might have a chance to go home with you, but I let it go. I kept telling myself that you were mine and that’s what’s important. But, then you went on stage and Casey sat down beside me. I had to listen to her ask Molly if she would be too forward if she tried to go home with you, and then hear her tell Molly about how you eat pancakes every weekend and eat breakfast on your balcony.” For the first time since she started talking, she looks at me. Her eyes are filled with hurt and I hate knowing I’m the one who put it there. “You eat pancakes on the weekend because I cook them and you eat breakfast on the balcony because I like to. It hurt like hell hearing Casey talk about something that, at least in my mind, was special between the two of us. I know it may sound ridiculous, but it felt like a fucking slap in the face.”

  “Jasmine, I didn’t tell her about it to invite her to breakfast. It was the opposite actually. She started talking about the diner she eats breakfast at every Saturday morning and how I should go with her, and I told her I couldn’t because I always ate pancakes on my balcony on the weekends. It was not an invitation for her to come over, it was a polite way for me to get out of having to go to breakfast with her.”

  “Ok.” She seems to believe me, but I can tell she still isn’t finished talking. “You used me not telling Jason about us yet as an excuse to not tell Molly. I know that we agreed to not say anything to anyone, I know that. But you could have at least told her you were dating someone, you didn’t have to name names. My reason for not telling Jason is to protect your job. Yes, I know that he is going to be pist at me, but it won’t be the first time and it won’t be the last. I have spent the last month trying to find a way for Jason to know we’re together without you getting fired. What’s your reason for not telling Molly though? Is it that you know she can’t stand me and you can’t be in a relationship with someone she doesn’t like?”