‘Get in,’ she said, sitting up to make room.
He looked at her without speaking and caressed her cheek, waiting until she took his hand and he was sure she meant it. Then he stripped off his wet shirt and the rest of his clothing. He eased himself into the hot water and drew her body back against his. It reminded him of their fall on the ice, when she had landed between his legs and stirred his desire. Now, there were no physical barriers between them. But he stayed still, letting her take the lead.
She unlaced his fingers and moved his hands over her breasts. Closing his eyes, he felt the weight and fullness of them, the delicate softness of her skin. Then she took his hand and guided it lower, between her legs, and he rode the crest of the wave of desire. He gently kissed her neck just behind her ear.
‘You deserve to be loved,’ he whispered.
Her body arched against his as he continued to caress her, living each of her heartbeats as if they were his own. He brought her to the edge, gasping and writhing against him, and he couldn’t stand it another moment. Shifting her from him, he stood up, lifting her dripping wet from the tub. He dried her off with a fluffy white towel, and dried himself off with another towel, securing it around his waist.
‘Please,’ she said, ‘make love to me.’ She ran the soft tips of her fingers down his chest, making him weak with need for her.
He led her out of the bathroom to the bedroom, a large room painted pale blue with an iron scrolled bed, and sat her there on the edge of the bed. ‘Is this OK?’ he said.
She undid the towel around him and moved up to lay back, her hair soft against the pillow, eyes bright with desire. His hands were shaking as he put on the condom. She spread her legs and pulled him over her. He opened her with his fingers, and then pressed inside her, filling her up. She wrapped her legs around him, pulling him deeper, crying out his name as they moved together faster and harder. And when he couldn’t stand it any longer, he drowned her mouth with a kiss. A shuddering sweetness filled his body as he gave into a lifetime of longing, and the world shattered to glittering stars.
34
Nicola woke up in the dark. For a second she felt disorientated and confused. She was in her bedroom, at home, but—
‘Nicola?’
The whisper jolted her senses. The curtains were open and the soft glow of moonlight pooled into the room. She turned and saw that Dmitri was propped up on his elbow. He’d been watching her sleep. The realisation could have made her tense, but instead, her body felt alive.
‘Can I hold you?’ he said, his voice husky.
She moved to press herself along the length of him, breathing him in, feeling the warmth of flesh on flesh.
‘Was I snoring?’ she asked.
‘No,’ his soft laugh brushed her ear. ‘But it was beautiful watching you sleep.’
She could feel his arousal, and his light caresses were awakening her fully. But then his hand stilled. He took a breath, hesitating.
‘I wasn’t sure if I should stay,’ he said, finally. ‘I wasn’t sure if that’s what you wanted.’
‘I’m glad you’re here,’ she said, taking his hand and kissing his fingers; marvelling at how true it was. How telling him her secret had freed something inside of her, allowed her to open up and make room for him, and all that they could give each other.
‘I wanted to tell you something,’ he said. ‘Remember that choral music doctorate I was applying for in Oxford?’
‘Yes.’ She stiffened momentarily. Was Dmitri going to up sticks and move to Oxford? It wasn’t so far away. But right now, it seemed like the other side of the ocean.
‘I am not doing it.’
‘Why?’ Nicola pulled away and turned towards him. In the moonlit darkness, his eyes shone almost silver.
‘Because I do not want a doctorate in choral music. I want to be a pianist.’
She blinked as his face came into focus and a thousand emotions she had no right to feel flooded through her. Pride, happiness, and something else too – something stronger that was taking shape inside of her.
‘That’s wonderful.’ She took his face between her hands and pulled him to her, kissing him hard on the lips, letting her hair fall over him.
‘Yes,’ he said, a little short of breath. ‘But it will be difficult. There are many reasons why it might not work out. But I have written down what happened to me. Why I did not return to Moscow.’
‘You’re going to tell your story?’ She looked at him in surprise, knowing what this was likely to cost him.
He rolled on to his back and sighed. ‘I don’t know. I need to talk to my sister. It affects her too. But I have done some research. I have found the name of a professor at the Royal College of Music. He is Russian, and also studied at the Moscow Conservatory, though well before my time. I thought I would try to see if he would meet with me. Ask him what I should do. If I should apply to study, or… I don’t know.’
Nicola ran her hand along his chest. She felt him shrink away under her hand, but she didn’t remove it.
‘Do you feel angry?’ she said. ‘Even now, I mean. He was your father. How could…’ she broke off, choked by emotion.
Dmitri put his hand on hers. ‘When it happened, I was in shock for a long time. I was in so much pain, that was all I could think of. All the while, when I was in hospital, I wanted my father to come and see me. I have no idea what I would have said – or what I wanted him to say.’ He sighed. ‘But he never came. He was off somewhere, drinking himself into oblivion. Totally coming apart.’
‘That’s why you don’t drink?’ she said.
‘It is people, not alcohol, that are to blame for things that happen,’ he said. ‘But it did play a part – in me losing my place and for what my father did. I didn’t drink for a long time – until Irina left me. But earlier tonight, when I thought you were lost to me…’ He shook his head. ‘My father drank because of the pain of life. I don’t want to be like him.’
‘Why the hell wasn’t he arrested for what he did?’ she said sharply. ‘Put in jail?’
‘It was looked into, of course. But this is Russia we are talking about. The people we knew were, of course, surprised by what happened, and sorry. But they also knew what my success – or lack of it – meant to my father and mother. When people heard what I did, I don’t think the weight of sympathy was on my side. That is one of the reasons my mother decided that we would leave.’
‘Your mother sounds like a very special woman.’
‘She was.’ His voice caught. ‘I miss her a lot. And also, as strange as it may seem, I miss my father. I have many good memories of him from my youth. Back in the days when he would laugh, and tell stories, buy us ice cream… Sometimes, when he would listen to me playing the piano, tears would run down his face.’ He pursed his lips. ‘The night it happened, I was going out to beg forgiveness. I wanted to make things right, like they had once been. But it all happened so quickly. And then, he was dead. I feel sometimes, that his death is on my conscience.’
‘No,’ she said emphatically. ‘It’s not.’
‘Maybe not.’ He shrugged. ‘And maybe if he had not died, I would have been angry – once we were safe and the shock wore off. I don’t know. But in any case, I have long forgiven him. I know what I did, and why he did what he did. He loved me and wanted the best for me. I was too young to understand that. Too stupid to make him proud.’
‘God, that’s fucked-up,’ she said, getting angry. ‘You’ve forgiven the man who poured lighter fluid on you and lit a match, but even after all these years, you still haven’t forgiven yourself.’
He laughed softly. ‘I’ve never had cause to do so. Do you think it’s too late?’
‘I think you are the most infuriating, fascinating man I have ever met.’
He pulled her on top of him, his eyelids half-closed, awash with desire. ‘Prove it,’ he said.
So she did.
35
15th December
Somehow, Nicola managed
to leave the house and go to work. The same way as always, and yet, it was as if she was experiencing the world for the first time. The colours looked brighter; the people were people, not simply obstacles to be avoided on public transport.
When she arrived at her desk, Chrissie brought her a cup of coffee and started talking about the Advent Calendar preparations. Nicola felt a strange languid sensation in her body – maybe it was just exhaustion. After making love in the middle of the night, she’d gone back to sleep and awakened as the first rays of grey light were coming in through the window. She heard Dmitri downstairs in the kitchen and she could smell coffee. She’d lain back in bed, feeling more contented than she could remember. Yes, she had to go to work, and yes, she was still the same person with the same problems – the same scars inside. And yet, in one magical night, everything was different.
Dmitri had come back into the room carrying a mug of coffee. He smiled at her and she felt a surge of warmth knowing he was there. That he was real. ‘Just milk, no sugar, right?’
‘You remembered?’ she’d said, taking the warm cup in her hands. ‘From that day?’
‘I remember every moment I have been with you.’ He nuzzled her hair, but something seemed to be on his mind. ‘Do you need to go to work today?’ he’d asked.
‘I’m afraid so.’ Nicola had felt a sudden rush of panic. This wasn’t the end— it couldn’t be!
‘Then you will need this.’ He’d set a business card on the nightstand.
Nicola had picked it up and smiled. She melted back into the pillow. ‘I suppose you’ll be wanting my phone number too?’
‘That might be nice,’ he’d said, his eyes soft but mischievous. ‘I’ll call you sometime.’
Her face must have reflected the fact that it was not funny, because his smile faded. He pulled the blanket down and kissed her breasts.
‘I was joking,’ he’d added. ‘But I have to be sure that this is what you want.’
Nicola had pushed him away none too gently. She needed to get this clear between them, and she needed to be fully in her senses for that.
‘What do you want?’ she’d said, staring into his melting dark eyes.
‘You, of course. But there is one thing, Nicola…’ His face turned more serious.
‘One thing – that’s never good, is it?’
‘I do not want to share you. I… couldn’t stand that. If we are to be together, then it must be only you, and only me.’
‘Of course,’ she’d said, feeling a little offended that he would think anything else. But then again, why wouldn’t he?
‘As you know, I do not have much experience of a relationship. Or any…’ He’d shrugged, not meeting her eyes. ‘I will not always know when to stay and when to go. When you need your space. When you do not want me to touch you.’ He hesitated. ‘These things worry me. I do not want to make a mistake.’
She’d put her hand on his and drew it to her lips, kissing his fingers. ‘I don’t know all of those things either,’ she said. ‘But I want this too. I need this.’
He’d leaned in and kissed her lazily. ‘Now you need to get in the shower and go to work. Tonight, I have a concert and, afterwards, I need to practise the piano.’
Nicola had nodded, feeling a pang of anxiety. They both had separate lives, separate commitments. But what was he saying? When would she see him again?
She’d voiced the question aloud. She wasn’t used to feeling this… dependent. ‘I can get the piano tuned,’ she’d said. ‘Maybe get it moved to one of the spare bedrooms. Then you could practise here sometimes.’ She’d smiled. ‘I’d like that – I love hearing you play. Unless… the piano’s not good enough?’
He’d kissed her again. ‘It is good enough. Let’s do that.’
‘OK. And before I forget, there’s one more thing.’
Nicola told him about the favour she needed from him. He left the room to retrieve his phone and check his calendar.
‘I will need to juggle a few things around,’ he’d said. ‘And I don’t know how many people I’ll be able to get that early. But it should be OK.’
‘So I can make arrangements?’
‘You can,’ he’d replied with a little smirk, ‘though now I am not quite sure that I am with the woman I thought.’
Nicola had pulled him to her. ‘And is this new woman better or worse?’
‘I’ll let you know in a few minutes.’ He pulled up the bottom of the duvet and disappeared underneath. She’d gasped as he parted her legs and she lost the ability to think at all—
*
‘Nicola? Have you heard a word I’ve said?’
Nicola wrested herself back to reality. ‘Um no.’
Chrissie put her hands on her hips. Even the appliqué reindeer on her Christmas jumper seemed to look annoyed. ‘I hope you’re not mooning over you-know-who,’ she said in a low voice.
‘No,’ Nicola said. ‘It’s like I said – I told Ollie where to go. Back to his family, to patch things up with his wife.’
‘Well, let’s hope he can,’ Chrissie said, sounding like a stern schoolmistress. ‘But now, about the Advent Calendar…’
As Chrissie went on and on about her ideas – and the cost – Nicola began to wonder if she could really be this new woman. It wasn’t going to be easy. She’d have to take it one step at a time.
‘Did you book the auditorium?’ Nicola said, when Chrissie finally came up for air.
‘Yes.’
‘Good.’ She explained to Chrissie how the Choir of St Anne’s Church was going to be making a guest appearance. It was fun watching Chrissie’s blue eyes half pop out of her head in surprise.
‘Christmas carolling?’ she said. ‘You?’
‘No, not me.’ Nicola smiled. She handed Chrissie the business card, the details of which were already safely stored in her contacts. ‘This is the director. You can contact him to finalise the details.’
Chrissie looked down at the card. Nicola thought for a second that Chrissie was going to faint.
‘You’re a dark horse, aren’t you?’ She smiled slyly.
‘No,’ Nicola said. ‘Just a happy one.’
*
Dmitri could still taste her on his lips. They’d walked together to the station so that she could get her train in to work. He’d kissed her goodbye, watched her go through the barrier. Unlike that other kiss, in another station, when their lips parted, he no longer felt like he was split in two. He felt alive. It was unlike anything he’d experienced before.
He bought a coffee, walked around Richmond for a while. Nicola had given him the number of the piano tuner, and the man had agreed to come around midday. Dmitri didn’t have any private lessons scheduled until the new term started in January, so he’d decided to stay around to oversee the tuning. The trust she’d shown – letting him into her house, her life, was a humbling responsibility. He was determined to do his best in every way for her.
Dmitri sat down on a bench on The Green. Pigeons flocked around his feet. It was strange, this feeling of anticipation – like his whole life was ahead of him. That all the things he had ever wanted were there within his reach.
He took out his phone and sent a few texts. To Tanya, to Carole-Ann, asking her to arrange the schedule change for the day of Nicola’s Christmas do. As he sent the texts, he smiled to himself. Nicola and Christmas. Whatever it had once meant in the past, from now on he wanted her to associate it only with him.
When the texts were gone, he opened up the email he had drafted but not sent. To a man called Mikhail Aslanov at the conservatory in London. In the message, he had told his story – typed up what he had shown Kolya – and asked for a brief meeting. To see what the next steps might be. As he read through it again, the worries seeped back into his mind. Was this really possible? Could he do it?
His thumb hovered over the button. Once again he thought of Nicola, and everything she had overcome. This was something he needed to do for both of them, to become the best version of him
self. With a deep breath, he pressed send. The message went off with a swoosh.
Whatever happened now – if anything at all – it was out of his hands.
36
18th December
On Friday afternoon, Nicola went to see her boss, Brian. She closeted herself in his office while he was just finishing up a call. Already she was feeling conflicted about what she’d decided to do, and the winking star emoji in a Santa hat on Brian’s latest Christmas jumper didn’t help. In the end, she kept the announcement short and sweet. In January, she would be taking a backlog of holiday. Afterwards, she wouldn’t be coming back.
If Brian was surprised by the news, he didn’t let on. ‘Can I ask you the reason?’ was all he said.
‘Because I want a new start,’ she replied. Though she had thought long and hard about her decision, now that she was here, it was more difficult than she’d expected it to be.
‘What are you going to do instead?’ he asked.
‘I’m not quite sure yet.’ Feeling she owed him an explanation, she told him briefly about Dmitri, and the fact that, for now, she wanted to step off the treadmill and think about her next steps. She also found herself outlining a new business idea that had been growing in her mind ever since her visit to the Richmond charity shop.
‘Interesting,’ Brian said, when she’d finished explaining.
They chatted through her idea for a few minutes and he gave her a few suggestions and things to think about. Then, she stood up to leave.
‘Thanks for letting me know, Nicola,’ Brian said. ‘It will be a blow to lose you, but you have my support in whatever you choose to do. You need to find your own happiness and grab it with both hands.’
‘Thanks, Brian.’ A rogue tear bubbled up in the corner of her eye. ‘That means a lot to me. You’re one of the good ones. Except for your jumpers.’
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