He laughed. ‘Glad to hear it. And, of course, the door is always open if you change your mind.’
‘Thanks.’
It was only as she left Brian’s office that Nicola realised she wasn’t going to be changing her mind. She expected to feel sad, or at least nostalgic. Instead, she felt oddly calm. It was done. Whether it was the right decision or not… only time would tell.
At half-six, she left the office. Dmitri had his first performance of the Messiah that night. He’d asked her if she wanted to come, if he should leave a ticket for her at the door. Nicola said she’d try – but work was crazy, and besides, she’d see him afterwards. He’d hidden his disappointment well. But she knew how hard he’d been working and how much he wanted her to be there. She wanted that too, for him.
Nicola managed to arrive just before the concert, buy a ticket and slip in the back row of the church between two elderly couples. The lights were turned down and the church was lit by hundreds of candles. Dmitri came out to applause and took a bow. Nicola felt a stab of pride – he looked so handsome in his tailcoat and tie, his dark hair combed back from his face – and also of longing. They’d had two wonderful nights together, but the last two nights, rehearsals had gone on late and he’d stayed at his own flat. She also had the sneaking suspicion that he felt he needed to give her space. All she knew for sure was that she’d missed him.
He lifted the baton and the small orchestra began Handel’s haunting overture.
Nicola had heard the Messiah before, but in the candlelit church, the experience was magical. The soloists weren’t professionals, but they performed well, and the choir members were as full of energy and emotion as their leader. It was mesmerising watching Dmitri conduct. She felt a deep admiration for him. He had been through so much, and yet, he still managed to reach out and share himself with others. As the bass aria began – for he is like a refiner’s fire – her heart seized up. And he shall purify…
Nicola didn’t realise she was crying until the old lady sitting on her left handed her a tissue.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered.
‘Not a problem, my dear. It’s a very moving performance.’
‘Yes,’ Nicola agreed. ‘It is.’
The music continued through the Christmas section. Finally, Dmitri turned to the crowd and gestured with his baton for the audience to stand. Then, he gave the downbeat for the opening bars of the ‘Hallelujah Chorus’. Facing the audience, he began to conduct. His face was a picture of concentration and joy. The music swept through the church, and everyone sang with energy and enthusiasm. Nicola didn’t sing – she was still finding it hard to keep her emotions in check – but at the end, as the final ‘Hallelujah’ died away and the orchestra took over the last bars, she stood up just a fraction longer than the other audience members. Dmitri’s eyes caught hers and his face lit up, making her glow inside. For an instant he seemed to forget where he was. But then, he turned back to the orchestra and the choir and the concert continued. The last chorus was the stirring ‘Amen’, and the concert reached its end.
The applause was thunderous as friends, family and members of the public showed their appreciation. Dmitri took a bow, then each of the soloists. He acknowledged the orchestra and then turned and clapped for the choir. Nicola was swept up in the energy of it, but as the applause started to diminish, a fountain of panic rose inside her. As much as she wanted to stay and support Dmitri, doing so would mean interacting with the choir members – many of whom might have seen her that night at Waterloo Station. She took out her phone and drafted him a quick text:
Loved the concert. Meet you at mine later?
She pressed send, ready to make a quick exit.
‘Such a lovely concert, didn’t you think, dear?’
Nicola turned. The woman who’d given her a tissue was speaking to her.
‘Yes, wonderful.’ There were two people in the pew between her, the aisle, and the door. They were chatting to a person two rows up, not in any hurry to move. She was trapped.
‘And did you know someone in the choir?’ the woman asked her.
‘Um, no. Just…’
‘Nicola!’ She heard her name shouted out and footsteps running down the aisle.
How Dmitri managed to push through the crowd she didn’t know, but all of a sudden he was there, breathless. All thoughts of sneaking out left her as he leaned over and kissed her. She threaded her arms around his neck and he lifted her over the back of the pew.
‘Oh, my!’ the elderly woman said.
Dmitri set her down but kept his hands firmly planted around her waist. ‘You are not going to escape out the back,’ Dmitri said in a low, authoritative voice close to her ear. Waves of pleasure coursed down her spine. ‘You came here tonight, and now I want you to meet everyone.’
‘Everyone!’
‘Penance, Nicola,’ he whispered.
The words she remembered so well electrified her.
‘Now, come with me.’ Dmitri led her by the hand up towards the front of the church, weaving through the crowd.
The closer Nicola got to where the choir members were gathered, the more unsteady she felt on her feet. To them, she was ‘The Heckler’. Or worse. She spotted Charles from the charity shop. Had he regaled the group with the knicker story? Dmitri hadn’t mentioned it – but she hadn’t asked.
‘I can’t do this,’ she gasped, feeling like she might faint.
‘Nonsense. It’s perfect.’ He stroked her hair possessively. ‘They are all dying to meet you.’
‘I’m going to die of embarrassment.’
‘No, Nicola, really, it is fine. Please…’
She pulled him close and whispered into his ear. ‘You seriously owe me,’ she said.
‘And I shall pay that price with pleasure,’ he said, his voice low and seductive.
They were so wrapped up in each other that Nicola didn’t notice the woman coming up behind Dmitri until she was at his shoulder and looked at her with dark eyes that were a mirror of his. Tanya – his sister. The woman who’d invited her to join in the carolling that night at the station and who’d baked and decorated the gingerbread heart. The one woman, who, right at this moment, scared her to death.
‘Dima,’ Tanya said, frowning at her brother, ‘are you going to introduce us?’
‘Yes! Sorry,’ Dmitri replied. Nicola had never seen him blush before, but he was doing so now. ‘Nicola, this is Tanya, my sister.’
‘Hello Nicola.’ Tanya’s voice was low and melodious. She wasn’t smiling but didn’t look hostile either.
‘Hi.’ Nicola’s cheeks flushed as she held out her hand to the woman. ‘I’m sorry for what I did that night. I want you to know that.’
Narrowing her eyes, Tanya put her arm on Nicola’s elbow and moved her a step away from Dmitri. ‘Do you make my brother happy?’ she said in a low whisper.
Nicola swallowed, taken aback at such a direct question. ‘I think so – yes.’
‘Then we are fine.’ Instead of shaking her hand, Tanya hugged her, a tear pressed between their cheeks. ‘More than fine,’ she said.
‘I’m glad, Tanya,’ Nicola said.
As the embrace ended, a large sandy-haired man came up to them. Tanya introduced him as her fiancé, Mark. Nicola thanked them both for the gingerbread (pretending that she had eaten it rather than kept it to look at). They chatted about the bakery and the concert. Dmitri had moved away, speaking to the many people who wanted to congratulate him on the performance. With the ice broken by Tanya, a few other people came up to Nicola and said hello. A minute or two later, Dmitri brought over the woman that he had often spoken of – Carole-Ann, the organist – and introduced her.
‘My dear,’ the older woman said, ‘it is so lovely to meet you.’ Her pale cheeks coloured and she smiled slyly. ‘In truth, we’re all dying to meet Dmitri’s girlfriend.’
Dmitri’s eyes widened as he looked at Carole-Ann and then Nicola. ‘I had better go before I get in trouble,’ he sa
id. He gravitated over to another group of people.
Nicola laughed, feeling oddly delighted. ‘I guess that’s me,’ she said to Carole-Ann. ‘It’s nice to meet you.’ They shook hands. ‘And… I’m sorry for what happened – you know – before.’
‘Never mind that,’ Carole-Ann said. ‘What did you think of the concert?’
‘It was beautiful,’ Nicola said truthfully. ‘It’s been a long time since I’ve heard the Messiah. Other than the bits Dmitri has played on the piano.’
‘Yes, I understand that his playing again is in part thanks to you.’
‘To me? No, I don’t think so.’ The idea was a little daunting.
‘Either way, it is a good thing. And I’m glad he’s found somewhere to play piano other than the draughty choir loft.’ She gave Nicola a little wink. ‘I’m sure you have good central heating.’
Nicola blushed. ‘Um yes,’ she said. ‘I think he’ll be warm enough.’
Other people came up to meet her, the names slipping from her mind as quickly as she heard them. It was like she had been parachuted from nowhere into a fully formed family, all of whom cared deeply about Dmitri.
One person who seemed to be avoiding her, however, was Charles. Nicola decided that they needed to speak, but as soon as she looked in his direction, he looked away. It was proof enough that he had recounted the ‘knicker incident’ in all its glory. The only thing for it was to confront it head-on.
Nicola walked boldly up to him while he was talking to the soprano soloist – Jani or Jenny. The woman gave Nicola a look of sheer hatred that Nicola chose to ignore. While most of the people had been very welcoming, she’d noticed a few similar looks from some of the female members of the choir. She glanced over at Dmitri. He was talking to an old man and woman, bowing his head attentively as they spoke. Nicola didn’t blame the women for being jealous. Not only was he extraordinarily good-looking, but his energy was intoxicating. Also, despite his talents, he was not condescending or pompous. She was lucky, and it was going to be difficult to share him, even with his flock.
‘Hi Charles,’ she said, smiling both at him and the woman. ‘Lovely concert.’
‘Um, Nicola, isn’t it?’ Charles said. The soprano moved away, looking eager to be out of Charles’ company.
‘Yes, that’s right. How are things at the shop?’
‘Much better. I think you’d be impressed at what we’ve done. You haven’t been by?’
‘No – I’ve been busy. Restocking my knicker drawer and all that. As I’m sure you can imagine.’
Charles’ face flushed pink. He tried to laugh but it came out more of a choking sound as Dmitri came up to them.
‘Charles?’ Dmitri said. The single word held a note of authority, and, Nicola thought, warning. ‘You have met Nicola, I believe.’ She felt a melting sensation as he put his hand very low on her back.
‘Um yes,’ Charles said. ‘We were talking about… how much better the shop is doing.’
‘The shop, yes,’ Dmitri said. ‘Nicola, would you like to go soon?’
‘Yes,’ she said, almost purring. ‘I’ve called for a car for us. We could give Charles a lift.’ She glanced slyly back at the other man who looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole.
‘I am sure Charles will be going to the pub with the others and will be perfectly happy to get the Tube later,’ Dmitri said. He ran a finger along her chin, his eyes never leaving hers. ‘Isn’t that right, Charles?’
‘Um, yeah, pub,’ were the only words Charles seemed capable of getting out.
‘Good.’
Nicola laughed as Dmitri steered her off. ‘So he did tell everyone about “the incident”?’ she said.
Dmitri sniffed. ‘I told him that men do not speak of a woman in such a way. It is rude and it will not be tolerated. And besides,’ he lowered his voice, ‘there is only one man who need be concerned with your knickers, and it is not him.’
‘That’s for sure,’ Nicola said.
‘And I promise you…’ he leaned in close to her ear, ‘that as soon as we get in that car, I shall be very concerned.’
37
19th December
They spent Saturday morning in bed. Nicola felt that, finally, they were making up for all the lost hours they’d been apart the rest of the week. After the concert when she’d told Dmitri how much she had missed him, he’d laughed and said that he missed her too; then spent all night showing her how much.
Nicola took another sip of the coffee on the bedside table. Dmitri liked bringing her coffee, taking care of her. She had to think back long and hard, to the days of her early childhood, before she could remember anyone wanting to do that. It was definitely something she could get used to.
‘We should get up,’ Dmitri said. He ran his hand along her thigh under the covers in a way that was absolutely no incentive to get out of bed.
‘It’s only ten o’clock,’ she said. ‘I thought they weren’t coming until noon.’ Kolya was coming down, along with his partner and his children. They had agreed to meet for lunch at a pub near the river.
Dmitri gave her a sly smile. ‘Yes, that’s why I thought we had better start getting ready now.’
Nicola laughed. It was true – on the days Dmitri had slept over, she had ended up hopelessly late for work. Not that she was complaining.
By the time they finally left the house and made it along the riverside path to the pub, they were fifteen minutes late.
Nicola spotted Kolya near the riverbank. He was chatting to another man: his partner, she assumed. Nearby, two children were feeding the ducks from a bag of crisps. Kolya waved when he saw them approach, hand in hand.
‘Ah, the lovers,’ he said, his smile radiating warmth.
Nicola hugged him – he was like a giant bear. ‘Nice to see you too,’ she replied.
Dmitri went off to find a table at the pub. Kolya introduced her to Nigel and the children, Alex and Katya. Nigel was a tall, but slight Englishman with wavy blonde hair and small, wire-framed glasses. The children were also blonde and elf-like.
Nigel shook her hand vigorously. ‘I’m so pleased to meet you,’ he said. ‘I hope you’re keeping Dmitri out of trouble.’
Nicola liked the twinkle in his blue eyes. ‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘I’ve hardly seen him the last few days. He’s got so many rehearsals, and then he’s also practising the piano for hours on end.’
‘Sounds like we’ll have you to thank when we see him performing someday. Do you think that will happen?’
‘I hope so,’ Nicola said, smiling. ‘If that’s what he wants.’
The children had wandered off nearer the river. Nigel excused himself to go after them. Nicola and Kolya stood side by side. She was happy just watching the children, the birds and the play of light on water.
‘It seems that things happen in their own time,’ Kolya said, his voice deep and reflective. ‘But it took a catalyst. A reason to change. I think you are that reason.’
‘I’m sorry I put you in a bad position before,’ Nicola said. ‘Dmitri told me how angry he was at you.’
Kolya gave her a kindly smile. ‘I’m sure you too understand that sometimes, the ends justify the means.’
Nicola laughed. ‘Yes, you could say that.’
‘And things are good?’ Kolya said, quizzing her now.
‘Yes… but…’
Kolya stayed silent but she knew he was listening. Though Nicola had only met this man twice, she could understand why Dmitri hero-worshiped him. He was intelligent, insightful and good.
‘You were right,’ Nicola said. ‘That day at the shelter. I didn’t tell you my “one thing”. But now, I need your help. Things are good – very good. I don’t want to mess it up.’
Nicola recounted to him a very brief version of what she had told Dmitri. Talking about it – reliving it in her mind – made her feel sick and out of control. And though she hadn’t had the same physical response of fear and recoiling that she’d had that first nigh
t, all week long she’d found herself becoming panicky and tearful at odd moments. The walls were down, and there were a lot of things trying to get out.
Kolya shooed a duck away from a bench and gestured for her to sit down. She did so. He sat beside her and stared out at the water. ‘You have lived with this inside you for a very long time,’ he said. ‘You took it upon yourself to handle everything alone. And you have borne the consequences of that decision. But now you have taken the first step. To finally live the life that you want, and that you deserve.’
She broke down then, the tears flowing freely from her eyes. She wrapped her arms around herself, and Kolya made no move to touch her, but she was aware of his presence and that was enough.
‘What you have done for Dmitri, I do not think you can even fathom,’ Kolya said. ‘An act of kindness, of love – that was inside you all along.’
She nodded, as the tears kept coming.
‘But as I say, this is the beginning. There is a long way to go before you will be free of this thing. It will be very difficult for you. Probably for Dmitri too. But you can be free of it. I will help you find the proper support. But—’
‘Are you coming inside or not? I’ve ordered drinks—’ Nicola looked up and saw Dmitri approaching. The smile dropped from his face when he saw the state of her. He looked at Kolya, his eyes fierce. ‘What have you done?’
‘Nothing,’ Kolya said calmly. ‘We are talking.’
Dmitri sat down next to Nicola. He seemed unsure whether to comfort her or not.
‘It’s OK,’ she said. Smiling through her tears, she took his hand, twining her fingers with his. ‘I’ve told him the truth – what I told you. It may be difficult, but I’m going to get through it. For us.’
Nicola rested her head against Dmitri’s chest and let him stroke her hair. Nigel and the kids came back and Kolya directed them to go inside the pub and order. Eventually, she sat up again, taking a deep breath. She could do this – she could heal.
‘I know it is difficult to talk about.’ Kolya said. ‘But talking about it is what you must do – when you are ready, and in the right environment. And it would be helpful to have some more information. Do you know if this… individual has harmed anyone else?’
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