Detours

by Vollbrecht, Jane

  Ellis addressed New Year’s greeting cards to her best customers. She slipped a couple of her business cards into each envelope and added a P.S. to her handwritten note: If you’re satisfied with the work I’ve done for you, please give my card to a neighbor or friend. My calendar has room for one or two new customers for the coming season. Wishing all the best to you and your family.

  Ellis looked up from sealing the last envelope. Gray clouds still hung in the air; raindrops meandered down the windowpane. Too bad she’d already cleaned the apartment. All her indoor chores were done, and spending time outdoors wasn’t appealing. She tried to remember what she’d done to get through last winter, her first winter without Becky. The only image that came to mind was one that looked remarkably like the current one: Ellis alone in that very room, staring out the window and wondering how to get through the next minute, hour, day, the next eternity.

  Once winter was over and she could be outdoors, it wouldn’t be so bad. Working from the first drop of sunlight until the deepest part of dusk from early spring until late fall staved off the worst of the loneliness. Fall. I prefer to think of it as a case of you falling for me. That’s what Mary had said in the emergency room that Saturday in November when Ellis got her cast. Ellis looked at the calendar beside her on the wall. How could it only be five weeks ago? Maybe she should call Mary again to see if she was feeling better. Maybe they could go out for a late New Year’s celebration after all. She stuck her hand in her shirt pocket, but she didn’t pull out her cell phone.

  She looked over at Sam stretched out on the sofa, her feet twitching in hot pursuit of whatever quarry was in her canine dream.

  Even though work had filled her days over the last year, coming home to an empty apartment proved more than Ellis could bear. In early May, she’d gone to the DeKalb County Animal Shelter and choked back tears as she went from cage to cage hoping to find a bandage for her bleeding soul. Puppies were out of the question because of her work schedule, but she didn’t want someone’s problem dog, either. In the next to last cage, she spied a young adult spayed female. The card outside the cage said her name was “Spade,” and that she was housebroken, affectionate, and good with children. In the Reason for Surrendering box, the entry said “new baby in family; can’t keep dog.” Ellis had smirked at the paradox—she was good with children, but when the baby came along, the dog got the gate.

  That makes two of us, Spade, she’d thought. I got shoved out of my home because of a baby, too. She took the dog home that afternoon and renamed her Sam.

  Remembering that moment hit Ellis like a blast of arctic air. Damn. Why did Becky have to be so unyielding in her demands about having a child?

  Ellis wandered over to the couch and buried her face in Sam’s neck. “It’s you and me, Sammy.”

  Sam stirred slightly, sighed contentedly, and settled in for the next installment of her snooze. Ellis eased onto the sofa beside the dog and gave in to the sorrow that never was more than a memory away.

  Chapter 8

  Ellis parked her truck in front of Mary’s house. She stomped around to the passenger door and noticed Mary coming toward her down the driveway. “You sure didn’t waste any time, did you?” Ellis jerked her thumb at the real estate agent’s sign in the front yard.

  “Nice to see you, too, and by the way, Happy New Year.” Mary stopped in her tracks.

  “Sorry. I was surprised to see that you’ve already got the house on the market. You didn’t say anything about it when we talked on the phone last night.” Ellis opened the door and grabbed the end of Sam’s leash as she jumped off the seat. “I’ll put Sam in the backyard and then maybe you can bring me up to speed.”

  “All right. I’ll meet you inside.”

  Mary retreated up the front walk while Ellis took Sam through the side gate to the backyard. Ellis came through the kitchen door, draped the leash over the doorknob, and looked at Mary leaning against the counter.

  “Finally feeling better?” Ellis asked. She crossed the room and gave Mary a soft kiss.

  “Yeah. I can’t remember the last time I was knocked out for three days by an upset stomach.”

  Ellis felt the reaction deep in her gut when Mary edged close enough to make contact with Ellis’s hip as Ellis joined her in leaning against the counter. “How’s Natalie?”

  “Back to her old sassy self. She’s with her dad, supposedly helping him pack. I told him he was a fool to have her underfoot, but I think he’s worried he won’t get much time with her in the coming weeks while we wait to see if there’s any hope this house will sell.”

  “How soon is he moving?”

  “This coming weekend, if you can believe it. He starts his new job—well, same job, really, just a new home office—next Monday. Since he doesn’t feel he can commit to buying something up there until this house sells, he found a month-to-month lease on an apartment right outside Clarkesville.”

  “Wow, that’s quick.”

  “Other than his long-suffering patience in waiting for me to be a decent wife, Nathan’s not known for letting moss grow on him.”

  “Because it’s a new year, I’m going to pretend I didn’t catch that lame pun.” Ellis offered a crooked smile. “Just don’t think you can get away with a lot of them.”

  “You know what? I didn’t even realize what I said. To tell you the truth, I’m so overwhelmed right now I don’t think you can hold me responsible for anything I say.”

  “Want to talk about it?” Ellis wasn’t sure she was up to hearing all the items on Mary’s list, but not knowing what was on her mind was even worse.

  Mary took two quick steps to the kitchen table and dropped onto a chair. “What’s to say? My house is up for sale. My child and I are moving back to a place where I swore I’d never live again. That means every single thing in this house”—she waved her hands frantically—“has to be boxed and toted out of here. I know that the couple of hours you spent with my family last Saturday made you want to run screaming for Alabama, if not someplace even farther away.” She laughed lightly. “Half the time, that’s what they make me want to do.”

  Ellis, still braced against the counter, said nothing.

  “For all I know, you’re here to tell me that the first time we made love a couple of days ago is the last time we’ll make love.” Mary grabbed the napkin holder and tidied the edges of the napkins in it.

  Ellis pulled out the chair across from Mary. She reached over the table and grasped Mary’s hand, stopping any further fumbling with the napkins. “We probably need to talk about us.”

  Mary lifted her head, but couldn’t bring herself to look into Ellis’s eyes. “Is there an us?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “Is it because I don’t know what to do in bed?”

  Ellis heard the tremor in Mary’s voice as she spoke. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re a wonderful lover.”

  “Might have been beginner’s luck.”

  “The only way to know for sure is to try it again.”

  “I’m not the sort of person who just has sex with somebody.”

  Ellis was pleased that Mary finally met her gaze. She wouldn’t let her look away. “Me, either, Mary.”

  “But you said you’re not sure if we have a future.”

  “Because I’m not.”

  “Do you have feelings for me?”

  “I think so.”

  “Ellis, either you do or you don’t. Which is it?”

  Sam barked at the back door. “Let me get her,” Ellis said. “Otherwise, she won’t give us a minute’s peace.”

  “Of course. Your kid needs you.”

  Ellis recoiled at the harshness of Mary’s words, recalling they were the very ones she had used when Mary needed to tend to Natalie a few days earlier.

  Ellis let Sam in, then reclaimed her seat at the kitchen table as Sam ambled to the living room and flopped on the floor in front of the sofa. “Is there something you want to say to me, Mary?”

  “Not s
o much want to, but I think I have to.”

  “So say it.”

  “I will, but first, I want to remind you I’ve been sick. I haven’t gotten much sleep the past several nights. I’m on the verge of a huge change in my life, and less than a week ago, I had my first real lesbian experience. I’m not exactly at my mental and emotional best, so if this comes out all wrong, I need you to promise me I get to try again.”

  “Okay, that’s fair.”

  Ellis strained for patience as Mary moved the salt and pepper shakers and used the spoon in the sugar bowl to scrape the crystals off the rim. Then she pulled a napkin from the holder and rubbed at an old milk ring on the tabletop. Ellis continued to wait while Mary looked out the window, looked back at Ellis, then sucked in a loud breath.

  “I’m pissed that you didn’t come by here the last couple of days. We were sick. It would’ve been nice to have someone feed Swiffer and clean out her litter box. You could have at least brought us some Cokes or offered to make soup and toast for us. Natalie kept asking why you were mad at us. What could I tell her? I didn’t have a clue about why you were treating us like lepers.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry about what?”

  Ellis reflexively moved back an inch or two at Mary’s resurfaced bitterness. She feared what Mary might say next, but dared not interrupt.

  “Are you sorry that we’re more trouble than we’re worth?” Mary spoke each word deliberately. Ellis felt as though they were lying on the table between them, taunting her for her failure.

  She blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “No, I’m sorry I don’t know what to do to help people when they’re sick.”

  “It’s not graduate level work, for God’s sake. Do whatever needs doing.”

  “Nothing is ever right. Nothing is ever enough.” Ellis noted the look of utter confusion on Mary’s face.

  “What does that mean?”

  “Just what I said.”

  “Scoop a litter box. Run a load of laundry. Pick up a few groceries. Sit beside me, hold my hand, and tell me I’ll be fine in a day or two. That would be right. That would be enough.”

  Ellis was quiet a long while. “Not necessarily.” The words were nearly inaudible.

  “Come on, Ellis. We can sit here and talk in circles all damn day, or you can treat me like an adult and say what’s on your mind.”

  “Kids ruin everything.”

  “Excuse me? Where did that come from? I thought we were talking about my being mad at you for vanishing for the last three days while Natalie and I battled a stomach virus.”

  “Never mind. You wouldn’t understand.” Ellis pushed back from the table and stood.

  “Oh, no you don’t, VanStantvoordt. Sit down! You can’t lob a live grenade into the middle of my imaginary bowl of corn flakes and then waltz off without explaining yourself.”

  Ellis glared at Mary. “You and your perfect life. You’ve got the whole freakin’ world on a string. Nathan. Your mother. Your sisters. Natalie. You don’t even know how good you’ve got it. Two steps in any direction, and you’ve got somebody who loves you and cares about what happens to you.” Ellis dropped heavily onto her chair.

  Mary pounded the tabletop. “You’re right. I’ve got an ex-husband who still loves me, but he thinks I ruined his life. The only reason he still has anything to do with me is because he’s the father of my child. My mother? Ha! She loves me, provided I don’t dare be who I really am. Most of the time, my sisters are nothing more than a younger version of my mother. Want to wager how long their sisterly love holds up when I tell them I’m a member of Club Lesbian? Let’s see, did I leave anybody out? Oh, yeah, my daughter. I can never quite decide which one of us is more intimidated by life. Natalie because she thinks she’s the reason her mommy and daddy don’t live together anymore, or me because I’m afraid I’ll screw her up so bad she’ll spend forty years in therapy. Yep, you’re right. I live a perfect existence.” Mary squinted at Ellis. “All of which, by the way, has nothing whatsoever to do with your comment about how kids ruin everything.”

  Ellis rubbed her earlobe between her thumb and forefinger. She knew Mary was waiting for an explanation, but she wasn’t sure what she could say that would do justice to all she was feeling. Ellis shoved a statement past her lips. “What I really meant is that I ruined everything.”

  “For Natalie? For me? For you and me?”

  Ellis shook her head. “No, for my parents.”

  “You’ve lost me, Ellis. Please, no more riddles. Tell me plain and simple what you’re trying to say.”

  “My mother and father had the life they wanted. He was living out his dream teaching art at the college. Even though she was sick for most of her life, my mother had raised the twins and was happy hanging on my father’s every word and wish. Then I came along. It ruined everything.”

  Ellis doubted that Mary would ever speak. At last, she did.

  “Ellis, you didn’t ask to be born. Or if you did, like some of the psycho-babble-good-speak folks would have us believe, your parents had to agree to be the vehicles for getting you to the planet.” She extended her open hand to Ellis who tentatively hooked her index finger over Mary’s pinkie. “Honey, from what you told me, your mom was sick long before you were born. If you hadn’t been born, she might have given up on life a lot sooner than she did. The way I see it, chances are real good you didn’t ruin anything. You probably saved her life and gave her almost twenty years she wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t been there to make her want to live.”

  Ellis wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “It’s my fault she died.”

  “Why would you say something like that?” Ellis caught the disbelief on Mary’s face.

  “She died because I convinced her to go to my outdoor graduation ceremony.”

  “Or she might have died exactly when she did even if she’d never set foot outside the house.”

  “You can’t know that.”

  “And you can’t know that your version is right, either.”

  Ellis let Mary pull her hand into a warm clasp as she contemplated the possibility Mary had presented.

  “Let me give you one other idea to add to the mix, okay?” Mary squeezed Ellis’s hand. “Maybe seeing you graduate from high school was the proof she needed that she’d done enough to set you on your way. Maybe her death was her way of giving you both the freedom to explore whatever else you each needed to do next.”

  “But my father and my brother and sister… I know they blamed me.”

  “You think they blamed you. If you never asked them, you can’t know for sure.”

  “It felt like they thought it was my fault.”

  “Even if you’re right in that supposition, that’s their karma. You’re only responsible for you.”

  Ellis used her free hand to caress Mary’s fingers interlaced with hers. “I don’t know. I don’t think I can let myself off the hook that easily.”

  “News flash. You’re the only one who can ever let yourself off the hook. We don’t get to control what happens in our lives. We don’t get to know why anything happens. All we get to do is decide how we feel about what happens and then pick what we think is the best thing to do next.”

  “How’d you get so smart?”

  “That’s a laugh. Look at the mess I’ve made of my life.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Well, yeah. Here’s a perfect example. I just turned thirty-nine, and even though I’ve known I liked women for more than thirty of those years, I’ve got exactly one notch on my headboard to show for it.” Mary waited until Ellis looked her in the eye before continuing. “And to this very moment, I don’t know if that was a one-to-a-customer deal or if my ticket is still good for another ride.”

  Without letting go of Mary’s hand, Ellis stood. “Come with me, cowgirl. I’ve heard the rodeo is in town.”

  “What about getting this house ready to sell and talking about kids and making plans for what we’re
going to do about us?” Mary let Ellis lead the way through the living room and down the hall.

  “Later. Right now, I’m picking the best thing to do next.”

  ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗

  Mary was surprised at Ellis’s sudden change in ardor. “What happened between the kitchen and my bedroom? Don’t you want to do this?

  “Every inch of me wants to do this, but seeing your bed reminded me of the little chat your mother had with me in her kitchen while you were taking Gloria and the kids home the other day.” Ellis dropped like a brick onto the seat of the straight-backed chair in the corner of the bedroom.

  Mary yanked off her sweatshirt and slammed it into the clothes hamper. “Wonderful. My mother is still ruining my sex life.”

  “She’s got some real strong suspicions about what’s going on between us. She quoted the Bible and everything.”

  “Oh, hell. That’s no measure of anything. She quotes the Bible when she changes the TV channel.” Mary kicked her shoes off. “You’d better tell me everything she said.”

  Ellis recounted the conversation, including her lies.

  Mary ran a brush through her hair. “I hoped with Kendall puking his guts out and everyone else bolting for the door, Mother hadn’t heard Natalie’s invitation for you to have a sleepover in her room.”

  Ellis pressed her back against the chair. “No such luck. I probably shouldn’t have lied to your mother.”

  “Yes, you should have. You don’t need to bear the brunt of her wrath. That honor belongs to me.”

  “So you’re going to tell her about us?”

  “Of course, but I need to be sure I’ve done all the groundwork.” Mary stepped on the heel of her left sock with her right foot and pulled her foot free, then did the same for the other foot. “But who are we kidding? She already knows. She’s merely giving herself a long cruise down ‘de Nile’ until I fess up and send her to an early grave.”