Sneaky Pie's Cookbook for Mystery Lovers

by Rita Mae Brown

  Anyway, Pewter crouched low in the grass, cackling with delight. Why she thought her butt would be hidden from view by lying low is beyond me. That cat is fat. Of course, the chickens saw her and they recognized their tormentor. They paid her no mind.

  One medium-sized red hen strayed away from the rest. As she pecked away, seizing white grubs and other delicacies, Pewter inched forward, then leapt up.

  The hen cocked her head, fluffed her feathers, and emitted an earsplitting shriek. Scared Pewter. She landed in front of the chicken, who darted around behind her, grabbing her gray tail.

  Now Pewter let out an earsplitting shriek. The huge Australorp rooster ran over and flapped his wings, kicking at Pewter with his spurs. Those things can cut you.

  By now Pewter never wanted to see another chicken, but the red hen wouldn’t let go. The humans were laughing so hard they were useless.

  Finally, Mother pulled herself together and shooed the chicken from Pewter. The rooster flew up in her face, too. That offended Tucker, who growled, scaring the rooster, who flew onto one of the picnic tables, leaving a few well-aimed deposits.

  The tip of Pewter’s tail was blunted. Unfortunate, as her tail is short to begin with. (The artist for the Sneaky Pie mysteries, knowing of Pewter’s vanity, makes her tail longer than it really is.)

  Pewter vows to kill that hen, but she’ll never do it.

  The humans agreed it was the best picnic they’d ever attended.

  Cat*

  SARDINE SANDWICH

  1 slice of bread

  1 tablespoon unsalted butter

  1 (3.75-ounce) can sardines

  Toast and butter the bread. Cut into eight equal-sized pieces.

  Slice the sardines in half and place on the individual toast pieces.

  MY DREAM IS to visit the fish market in Seattle someday. Mother swears it is the best fish market in America.

  What would I do confronted with a fish five times bigger than I am (on ice, of course)? Drool. Of course.

  *Some humans like sardines so you might have to share.

  Dog

  DOG BAIT

  1 cup all-purpose flour

  ¾ cup cornmeal

  1 garlic dove, finely chopped, or ½ teaspoon garlic salt

  1 pound fresh liver

  Preheat the oven to 350°G F.

  In a small bowl, mix together the flour, cornmeal, and garlic.

  Cut the liver into small pieces, put in the blender, and puree. Combine with flour mixture.

  Spread the mixture as evenly as possible in a greased baking pan or a 9-inch pie dish.

  Bake for 30 minutes, or until done.

  Remove and cut into pieces, sized to your dog’s preference.

  DOGS ARE MORE easily bribed than cats. At the Westminster Dog Show held at Madison Square Garden in New York City, Mom watched every possible bribe other than raw meat being offered. Barbara L. Powers, president of the Dachshund Club of America, was showing a stunning dog when she tossed a treat to Mom standing on the sidelines. Later, Mom asked her for the recipe, which I’ve recounted here, because the bait smelled good even to a human’s nose.

  I can testify that Barbara’s bait works because Tucker will do anything Mother asks if there’s a homemade liver treat for a reward. Imagine, selling your soul for liver.

  Dog

  BIG DOG’S DELIGHT

  2 cups long-grain while rice

  4 ½ cups water

  4 large garlic cloves, minced

  1 large beef bouillon cube

  1 cup venison, cut into ½-inch cubes and cooked

  Put all the ingredients into a large pot and cook on high until the water boils.

  Turn off at the boil, cover, and let steam for approximately 5 to 10 minutes. As soon as the top looks “dry,” put the food into a storage container. If you overcook, it will be too dry, but you can always add more water in a pinch.

  Serve 1 cup of the mixture in the morning and 1 cup at night either alone or mixed in with commercial dry food.

  Helpful Hints:

  We put it in the microwave for 1 minute before serving.

  You can substitute any kind of meat that you want. Living in the country, we luckily have a lot of deer meat, which we freeze during deer season. It helps keep the food costs down.

  APART FROM TUCKER, the Corgi, I also live with Tuxedo, a black and tan coonhound who, even I must admit, is a most remarkable dog. Then there’s Godzilla, the two-year-old smooth-coated Jack Russell bitch, who is remarkable in entirely different ways.

  Tuxedo and Godzilla haven’t shown up in my mysteries yet for two reasons. One, Godzilla is conceited enough. Were she to get fan mail I don’t think I could live with her. As it is Pewter receives almost as much fan mail as I do. And Tucker gets lots of photos from other Corgis.

  Godzilla would be insufferable.

  Tuxedo, on the other hand, may be the sweetest canine I have ever known. He’s clean, intelligent, and biddable, just what a hound should be. And he’s big! So if I put Tuxedo in a mystery, Tucker will get jealous. On the other hand, I can think of stories where a hound’s special nose would solve the crime.

  Once Mom lost her glasses. They cost $400 because they had a special light plastic lens, so she was upset. We searched the house high and low. I even crawled under the bureau in case they’d fallen behind. Not there.

  We cleaned out the truck. Everything was pulled out, even the battery jumper cables. Nothing.

  After a frenzied morning, we gave up.

  Sitting on a fence post that afternoon, I saw Tuxedo loping across the pasture with something in his mouth. Godzilla, filthy, ran alongside.

  They ran around the house. Mom was in the garden pulling weeds, the eternal chore. Tuxedo dropped the glasses next to her.

  Happy, she gave everyone treats, and Big Dog’s Delight for supper.

  Tuxedo and Godzilla said the packrat down by the pond stole the glasses. Tuxedo tracked the glasses to her lair. Godzilla rushed into her den to get them out … a brave dog. She said that the stash included quarters, a bandanna, one spur with a leather spur strap, and a whole pile of the plastic rings you pull off to open a gallon of milk or distilled water.

  It’s curious what they find valuable. Possums carry off stuff, too, and Simon, in my mysteries, is based on a house possum that lived to the ripe old age of seven.

  Crows steal shiny things all the time. I catch them pecking at the kiwi latches on the gates, a latch like a comma that is supposed to be horseproof since there’s a little ring that slips down to hold the lock. Two of the horses have figured out how to pick the kiwis but it’s the crows that play with them. The silver shine attracts them.

  During bird nesting season, Mom cuts four-inch squares of tinfoil and places them on fenceposts, the picnic table, and outdoor chairs. Then we hide and watch the crows swoop down to snatch them.

  I confess to liking jewelry that’s shiny. Gold is my favorite. I hide Mom’s battered gold watch and necklace under the bed pillow. She always knows where to find them.

  Cat/Dog

  GOAT’S MILK FOR ORPHANED KITTENS AND PUPPIES

  I WAS TAKEN away from my cat mother too early and dumped at the SPCA, so my human mother had to feed me every four hours around the clock. She did this cheerfully for two weeks. After that she only had to feed me every four hours throughout the day.

  You should always check with your veterinarian but here’s what Mom mixed to keep me alive: powdered goat’s milk mixed with enough water to make the consistency very smooth. Sounds easy but the powdered milk lumps up a little. Mom warmed it on the stove until it was tepid. Never, never make it really warm because what feels warm to a human finger feels a lot warmer to a baby’s throat and stomach.

  She bought a doll baby’s bottle and nipped the end so the milk would flow. Then she put me on a towel on her lap so I could feed naturally, which is belly down. First she put a drop of milk on my nose, then she gave me the bottle.

  When I grew a little bigger I coul
d drink out of a shallow saucer.

  Since my birth, Mom has nursed along two litters of hound puppies whose mothers died. All grew to be healthy seventy-pound hounds.

  Occasionally, I still enjoy a taste of goat’s milk, but it’s rich and I can’t drink much of it or I get a stomachache.

  Human

  MOM’S BIRTHDAY CAKE

  Serves 8 to 10

  This recipe is for people who love chocolate. Veterinarians say chocolate is bad for dogs. (Don’t give me ideas.)

  ¼ cup (½ stick) unsalted butter

  ¼ cup Crisco

  5 egg whites

  1 ½ cups sugar

  1 cup milk

  3 cups all-purpose flour

  3 teaspoons baking powder

  1 teaspoon vanilla extract

  1 recipe unsweetened Chocolate Icing (recipe follows) Toothpicks

  Preheat the oven to 350°G F.

  In a small bowl, cream together the butter and Crisco and set aside.

  In a medium bowl, beat the egg whites until stiff, then gradually add the sugar. Beat in the creamed butter and Crisco. Gently stir in the milk, followed by the flour and baking powder, mixing until well blended and no lumps remain. Stir in the vanilla.

  Pour into 2 greased and floured 9-inch round cake pans. Using a rubber spatula, spread the batter out evenly in each pan.

  Bake on the third rack up from the bottom for 25 minutes, or until a cake tester comes out clean.

  These layers will not be fluffy. This is a heavy, moist cake. When you bring them out of the oven, put a dish towel over them and cool to room temperature.

  Once they’re cool, turn the first layer onto a wire cake rack and cover the top and sides with ⅓ of the White Cream Icing. Once it’s set, pour ⅓ of the Unsweetened Chocolate Icing on top of the already frosted layer. Let harden (in the refrigerator if necessary). To anchor the second layer, place toothpicks half in and half out of the first layer.

  Carefully place the second layer on top of the first, pressing down until the toothpicks are completely hidden (they will keep it from sliding off). Spread the remaining White Cream Icing over the entire cake. Finally, cover with the remaining Unsweetened Chocolate Icing. Let harden (again in the refrigerator if necessary). Transfer the cake to a cake plate.

  If the day is warm, put the cake in the coolest spot you have or the refrigerator, covered with a cake dish. It’s important for the chocolate to harden.

  When you serve the cake, whoever gets a toothpick gets a kitty kiss.

  WHITE CREAM ICING

  ¾ cup (1 ½ sticks) butter, softened

  2 cups confectioners sugar, sifted

  2 tablespoons milk or cream

  1 teaspoon vanilla extract

  In a mixer, cream the butter, then gradually add the confectioners’ sugar until fully blended.

  Stir in the milk or cream and vanilla until smooth and thick enough to spread on the cake.

  UNSWEETNED CHOCOLATE ICING

  4 ounces dark unsweetened chocolate

  Melt the chocolate in a double boiler, being careful not to let it bubble. Spread (or drizzle) over the cake immediately.

  I LOVE THIS cake. It’s hard to make. Juts Brown, Mom’s mother, made this every year on November 28, Rita Mae’s birthday.

  The trick is to put the cake in the refrigerator so the unsweetened chocolate will harden over the creamy vanilla icing. The combination of tastes is what makes the cake.

  However, it’s so slippery that after she spread the unsweetened chocolate over the bottom layer, Juts put toothpicks in to hold the top layer in place. If she didn’t, the top layer would look like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Once, she spread the vanilla and unsweetened chocolate icings over the entire cake without anchoring it with toothpicks or even putting it in the icebox (Juts never called a refrigerator a refrigerator just like she never said zero; she said ought) and the top half slid off the bottom half, skidded across the table, and then slid onto the floor. Delicious. I’m still waiting for that to happen again.

  Juts gave prizes to whoever got toothpicks in their cake slice. Usually the toothpicks were visible because Juts put in colored ones. It’s odd what humans cherish; Mom still has some of her prizes: a little mechanical pencil, a rabbit’s foot keychain, and a toy truck. Aren’t people funny?

  Dog/Human

  DEVILED EGGS

  Makes 1 dozen

  6 hard-boiled eggs, peeled

  ¼ cup mayonnaise

  1 tablespoon yellow mustard

  1 tablespoon cider vinegar

  1 tablespoon sweet pickle relish (optional)

  salt and pepper

  Paprika

  Slice the hard-boiled eggs in half lengthwise.

  Remove the yolks and place in a small bowl.

  Add to the yolks the mayonnaise, mustard, vinegar, and pickle relish, if using. Stir until thoroughly mixed and fluffy-looking.

  Season to taste with salt and pepper.

  Pipe or spoon the mixture into the egg white halves.

  Dust lightly with paprika.

  Refrigerate and serve cold.

  SOME CATS LIKE a raw egg mixed into their commercial food. I am not one of them. Pewter craves eggs no matter how they are served.

  Many dogs will eat an egg on the spot, smashing the shell.

  I once saw Mom use an egg to train a horse. The mare, four years old, would “get light in the front” when she didn’t do whatever you asked her to do. That means the front two legs come off the ground a bit. It’s not the worst of sins but she’d discovered that this scared people.

  Mother wanted her to walk over a log, that’s all, walk over. Maybe the mare decided the log was going to bite her or maybe she was just plain lazy. I don’t know. The first time she went up, Mom was ready with an egg in her hand. She rose up in her stirrups and smacked the egg right between the horse’s ears. Well, that stunned the horse, who stood stone still. And from then on she would walk over that log when asked to.

  This proves that horses are dumb.

  Mother always takes up for the horses. She says they are grass eaters and their brains are organized differently than ours because humans and dogs and cats think like predators. I still think they’re slow in the head.

  Cat/Dog/Human

  Serves 4

  MOTHER’S FRIED CHICKEN

  1 package chicken pieces or 1 broiler chicken, cut into serving pieces (legs, wings, thighs, breasts)

  2 cups chicken breader mix

  ¼ cup Old Bay seasoning

  Salt and pepper

  Vegetable or peanut oil

  Thoroughly rinse the chicken pieces and pat them dry.

  Mix the chicken breader mix and Old Bay seasoning in a large brown paper bag.

  Add salt and pepper to taste.

  Heat the oil in a large chicken fryer or deep fryer until hot but not smoking.

  Dredge the chicken pieces in the breader mix and add to the hot oil. Fry until golden brown.

  Drain on paper towels.

  Put on a baking sheet arid bake at 350°G F. for 20 to 30 minutes, or until cooked through.

  THIS SATISFIES YOUR need for crunchy sounds … and your need for meat. Humans will eat it, too. Caution: Cats and dogs should not eat bones. Those tiny chicken bones can splinter in your intestine and kill you. Ask your human to cut the chicken off the bone.

  Mother says there are two ways to make a man fall in love with you. One is to serve him good fried chicken. The other is to wear red and yellow. There’s a folk saying, “Red and yellow, catch a fellow.” I don’t know where it came from or why those colors but Mom absolutely believes it.

  She also wishes on stars and carries a lucky rabbit’s foot. Wasn’t lucky for the rabbit, I can tell you.

  Humans aren’t rational but since they only talk to one another, they don’t know it.

  Some other cherished beliefs of my human:

  An itchy palm means money’s coming your way.

  If your nose itches, someone is talking abo
ut you.

  A blackbird pecking on a windowpane means someone in the family will die soon.

  Cocktail parties are an excellent way to weaken men.

  If a shadow crosses your mirror a secret will be revealed.

  If any animal brings you a human hand, you will come to great power.

  When visiting a human in his or her new home, bring an offering of salt in one container and sugar in another. (Mom always brings a loaf of fresh bread, too.)

  Never give anyone an empty purse. Always put a dollar in it.

  On Christmas Eve at midnight, go to the stable and speak to the horses and cattle. They will speak back because animals first recognized Jesus. Took the Wise Men until January 6th.

  I could fill a book with these superstitions. There’s no point arguing with a human over something like this. You have to humor them.

  Rabbit/Human

  RABBIT FOOD

  Makes 1 large salad

  1 head Boston lettuce

  1 head arugula

  ¼ cup mustard greens

  ½ cup toasted sunflower seeds

  ½ cup cubed mild Cheddar cheese