½ cup chopped fried bacon, drained
Pinch of capers
Simple Dressing (recipe follows)
Chill the salad bowl while you wash and dry the lettuce and greens.
Tear the lettuce and greens into bite-size pieces.
Add the other ingredients and toss gently.
Serve with Simple Dressing.
SIMPLE DRESSING
Extra-virgin olive oil
High-quality vinegar (Mom especially likes raspberry vinegar)
Mix three parts oil to one part vinegar to taste. Flavored oils, such as lemon or garlic, can add a nice twist to the dressing. If you’re feeling adventurous, try adding a dash of orange juice, a tablespoon of mustard, a teaspoon of shaved fresh ginger, or even a little white wine.
OCCASIONALLY ONE MUST serve food to a herbivore. They’re so weird. Nothing could induce me to eat this salad, although Pewter will pick out the bacon and cheese. Humans like it fine, as do rabbits. I knew a turtle once who ate a salad but he also ate a chicken’s foot. It’s probably not a good idea to dwell on his gastronomic feats.
Dog/Human
NELSON COUNTY APPLE CRISP
Serves 6
5 to 6 juicy apples (about 2 ½ pounds), peeled, cored, and cut into eights
2 teasppons lemon juice
½ cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, cut into very small pieces
¾ cup pastry flour
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
¼ teaspoon grated nutmeg
Whipped cream or Nutmeg Sauce (recipe gollows)
Preheat the oven to 375°G F.
In a medium bowl, toss the apples with the lemon juice.
Arrange the apples in a greased pie plate or shallow baking dish (8 × 8 × 2 inches).
In a medium bowl, blend together with your fingers the butter, flour, sugar, and spices as for a piecrust. Press this mixture over the top of the apples.
Bake until golden brown and the juices are bubbling, 1 to 1 ¼ hours.
Serve with whipped cream or Nutmeg Sauce.
NUTMEG SAUCE
1 tablespoon unsalted butter
1 cup sugar
1 tablespoon all—purpose flour
1 teaspoon grated nutmeg
Pinch of salt
2 to 3 tablespoons water
In a small saucepan, over medium heat, melt the butter. Whisk in the sugar, flour, nutmeg, and salt. Gradually whisk in the water, whisking until well combined.
Allow the mixture to cook at a rolling boil for 5 minutes, stirring frequently.
Remove from the stove and serve while hot over the apple crisp.
I DON’T KNOW why the dogs like this but they do.
Horses love apples. However, never turn a horse out in a field with an apple tree that’s still producing fruit because the horses will eat apples that aren’t ripe, tearing them off the branches, or they’ll eat the overripe fruit that’s fallen to the ground. Either way, you’ve got a sick horse.
I enjoy sitting in an apple tree in springtime. The activity dazzles me—bees everywhere, caterpillars, and birds chasing after the caterpillars. For a cat, an apple tree is a little bit of heaven.
Human
BUCKINGHAM MAYONNAISE
(Recipe from 1872)
Makes 1 ⅔ cups
½ cup distilled white vinegar
2 tablespoons (¼ stick) unsalted butter
1 large egg
1 cup vegetable oil
2 tablespoons dry mustard
1 tablespoons all-purpose flour
Pinch of salt
In a medium saucepan over medium heat, heat the vinegar and butter together until boiling.
Meanwhile, in a medium bowl, whisk together the egg, sugar, and dry mustard. Whisk in the flour and salt.
Whisk the egg mixture into the boiling vinegar mixture. Boil until thick, whisking constantly, about 2 minutes.
MOTHER LIKES TO eat mayonnaise bread. She piles the mayo on the bread, happy as she can be. I, too, love mayonnaise and if I don’t get a teaspoonful, I steal her mayonnaise bread when she’s not looking. If you’re in danger of getting caught, throw the bread on the floor and blame the dogs.
Cat/Dog/Human
CHRISTMAS GOOSE
Serves 6
1 (8-pound) freshly dressed goose, washed, patted dry, extra fat, neck, gizzard removed (Cut off long neck skin.)
Salt and pepper
Potato and Bread Stuffing (recipe follows) or use a packaged mix
4 cups water
2 tablespoons cornstarch dissolved in ¼ cup water
Preheat the oven to 350°G F.
Sprinkle the salt and pepper inside the cavity of the goose. Fill the cavity with the prepared stuffing. Secure the stuffed cavity with skewers.
Place the bird, breast side down, on a wire rack in a roasting pan. Add 2 cups water to the pan and cover with heavy-duty foil.
Roast for 4 hours.
During the last 20 minutes of baking time, increase the temperature to 450°G F.; remove the foil and turn breast side up to brown.
Remove the goose from the roasting pan and place on a serving platter while making the gravy. Make the gravy by removing the fat from the roasting pan. Place the roasting pan over the burners on top of the stove and add 2 cups water to the brownings. Thicken with the cornstarch dissolved in water. Stir over low heat until all the brownings have dissolved and the mixture has thickened.
POTATO AND BREAD STUFFING
Makes 6 cups of stuffing
½ cup water
½ cup chooped celery with leaves
¼ cup chopped onion
1 teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon freshly ground flack pepper
1 tablespoon chopped parsley
Pinch of saffron
2 cups mashed potatoes
3 eggs, lightly beaten
2 cups frsh bread cubes
In a 1-quart saucepan, bring the water to a boil; add the celery, onion, salt, pepper, parsley, and saffron. Boil approximately 7 minutes, until the celery is clear.
In a large bowl, lightly mix the celery mixture with the potatoes, beaten eggs, and bread cubes until well combined.
At this point, the mixture is ready to be stuffed into the cavity of the bird. If used as a side dish, bake in a buttered dish in a preheated oven at 350°G F. for 30 minutes.
THIS RECIPE HAS been in the Buckingham family (Mother’s maternal family) since their beginnings in America, 1620. Written first in the family Bible, it was updated when non-wood-burning stoves became popular. As the first Buckingham (Thomas) fled England, we figure it’s an old English recipe. The English consider goose a great delicacy.
You’ve got to love a people who, at the end of the fourteenth century, made Dick Whittington the Lord High Mayor of London because he had a smart cat.
Because it’s special and takes time, we only cook a goose for Christmas, which brings up another Buckingham peculiarity. They always have at least one tabby cat. They believe that a tabby cat helped the Blessed Virgin Mother at Christmas. When baby Jesus couldn’t get to sleep the tabby hopped in the manger and purred the baby to sleep while helping keep him warm. The cat’s reward was to have an M marked on her forehead, Mary’s cat. To this day some tabby cats have the M. They are descendants of Mary’s cat. I have the M on my forehead.
Human
JUTS’S MORTGAGE MINCEMEAT
Makes enough filling for 2 pies
1 pound chuck meat, cut into small cubes
1 cup cider
1 ⅔ cups New Orleans—style molasses
8 apples, cored, peeled, and cut into small cubes
6 ounces beef suet
2 cups currants
3 cups seedless raisins
1 cup citron, diced fine
2 ½ cups sugar
1 cup sipping whiskey
½ teaspoon ground cloves
3 teaspoons cinnamon
½ teaspoon ground mace
¼ teaspoon freshl
y ground black pepper
1 tablespoon salt
½ tablespoon freshly grated nutmeg
fest from 1 ½ lemons
In a large Dutch oven, bring the meat and cider to a boil over medium-high heat. Skim off the froth and stir in the molasses. Stir in everything else, reduce the heat to low, and stir, and stir, and stir every 15 minutes for 3 to 5 hours, or until the mixture is very thick and jamlike.
Naturally you can pour in more liquor to suit your taste. Keep tasting, as this is a seat-of-your-pants recipe. When it suits you, it’s done.
Turn off the heat and let it cool down.
YOU CAN PUT it in a piecrust or serve it just like it is. It gets better with time, but do refrigerate it and warm it up when you next serve it, although you can eat it cold. This is Tucker’s favorite recipe.
Mother tells this tale of Juts’s mincemeat (Juts Brown was my mother’s mother). It was the Depression and everything was going to hell in a handbasket. Juts desperately needed a mortgage. She invited the banker to the house for Christmas Eve—the Browns always threw open their doors on Christmas Eve, which meant the folks in town were mixed up worse than a dog’s breakfast and loved every minute of it.
Her eggnog was as famous as her mincemeat. For every egg she added a glass of brandy and a glass of whiskey.
By the time the banker ate her mincemeat and knocked back a couple of glasses of eggnog, Juts had her mortgage.
Dog
DOG COOKIES
3 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup wheat germ
1 cup bran flakes
1 cup soy flour
1 cup cornmeal
1 cup grits
1 tablespoon active dry yeast
1 cup sunflower seeds, ground
1 egg or equivalent egg substitute
1 ¾ cups broth or water
¼ cup canola oil
1 cup nonfat dry milk
Combine all the ingredients in a large mixing bowl.
Roll or pat out to ¼- to ½-inch thickness. Cut with a dog bone—shaped cookie cutter or into 1 × 3-inch strips. Place on a well-oiled baking sheet.
Bake at 300°G F. for 45 minutes.
Turn off the heat and leave in the hot oven for 30 minutes or more to dry.
A DOG’S NUTRITIONAL requirements are very different than a cat’s. For one thing, a dog will eat almost anything. If it doesn’t sit well, they just throw it up and look for more food. I think this is absolutely gross.
They love dried smoked pigs’ ears. You couldn’t pay me to eat one of those things. Nor will I eat carrion. This alone proves the superiority of cats—although, I confess, I love Tucker, the Corgi, despite her food habits. We were babies together. People who say cats and dogs don’t get along don’t know what they’re talking about. If we’re raised together, we do.
Dog
THE DOG’S DINNER
Take the leftovers from these recipes, toss all of them in a dish, and feed. (Hee hee.)
Cat/Human
SALMON PIE
Makes 1 pie
1 (8-inch) piecrust
2 tablespoons (¼ stick) unsalted butter or margarine
2 tablespoons all—purpose flour
2 cups 2% milk
1 (7–ounce) can salmon
½ (6–ounce) package frozen peas
2 cups potato chips
Bake the piecrust at 425°G F. until lightly browned. Take out of the oven and reduce the heat to 375°G F.
In a saucepan, melt the butter over low heat. Stir in the flour until there are no lumps and add the milk. Stir until thickened.
Drain the salmon and mix with the sauce.
Stir in the frozen peas and pour the mixture into the prepared piecrust.
Lightly crush the potato chips and spread evenly over the salmon mixture.
Bake for about 20 minutes, or until bubbly.
IF YOU DON’T want to bake a pie, you can leave out the peas and potato chips, roll into small balls, and eat immediately. Humans won’t eat it that way.
If you don’t like salmon, and some cats don’t, you can substitute lamb, beef, or tuna. Personally, I don’t like beef except for organ meats, but other cats crave beef. There’s no accounting for taste.
Cat
VEAL KIDNEY
1 fresh kidney, washed and diced
If your human won’t dice the raw kidney, have him or her put the kidney in a pot, cover with water, and boil. After 15 minutes, turn off the heat and let cool.
Remove the meat and cut into small pieces.
You can pour this over your crunchies cold or warm it up.
I ENJOY KIDNEY any time of year but Mother won’t make it in the summer. The aroma overpowers her.
As you’ve noticed, humans have a peculiar sense of smell. Their olfactory sense is underdeveloped. To further impair their noses, they smoke and wear perfume or cologne. But the scent of kidney in summer is too much for Mom, who has a good nose for a human.
I was reading The Intelligence of Dogs the other day, and I quote, “The scenting ability of hounds is truly remarkable. The average dog has around two hundred twenty million scent receptors in its nose, as compared to only five million for humans.” And just think, a hound has a better nose than other dogs.
On the issue of scent, I concede that dogs are far superior to cats.
Horse
MOLASSES MASH
¼ cup dry molasses
¾ bucket beet pulp
Warm water
Mix the dry molasses through the beet pulp, then add warm water almost to the top of the pail. Allow to sit overnight.
When you come into the barn in the morning, reach down in the pail with your hands and turn the mixture over again.
For a 16-hand horse, add ½ cup of the molasses mash to his or her regular feed.
SOME PEOPLE FEED their horses beet pulp daily and no sweet feed. We use it as a treat since most horses enjoy the molasses taste.
Mom’s grandfather used to make a bran mash: ¾ bucket high-quality bran, ½ cup dry molasses, warm water, and 1 ounce brandy.
If a horse is stall bound, the last thing you want to do is fill them up on bran. He used the mash as a reward, feeding it once a week out in the pasture.
Horses’ digestive systems are very different from cats’. The best thing in the world to feed a horse and keep it from colic is good-quality hay and lots of water. If you live in an area where the grass has plenty of nutrients, like Kentucky, with all that limestone in the soil, that’s the best of the best. Of course, turn a horse out on new spring grass and they’ll eat themselves sick. Remember what I said about horses being stupid …
Horses are grazers. Their ideal situation is to eat and walk, eat and walk. My ideal situation is to eat in one spot.
Pewter likes to sit on the fence post and call the horses to her. One day she was sunning herself on the fence, eyes closed, dozing, when one of the babies, Sidekick, snuck up. He tiptoed almost like a cat, got right behind her, then blew air out of his nostrils. Pewter shot three feet straight up in the air. Scared the horse as much as he’d scared her.
She raced to the house and he ran down and jumped into the pond.
He’s not a baby now, he’s 16.3 hands, half Thoroughbred and half Dutch Warmblood. His sense of humor has grown with his size. He likes to steal hats off humans’ heads. He pulls bridles off bridle hooks, carries them to the other end of the stable, drops them, and returns for another one. He knows how to open doors, too. Last summer he jumped out of his three-board fence pasture—he can “jump the moon” effortlessly—walked up to the back of the house, stepped over the stone wall, continued across the patio, and opened the back door. The wood floor baffled him, though. He’d start to come into the kitchen, then back off.
Tucker ran for Mother, who almost fainted when she saw Sidekick. She had visions of those steel shoes on her maple floors. She didn’t yell at him but he knew he’d been a bad boy so he turned around, stepped back over the stone wall, trotted acros
s the lawn, and flew over the stone jump at the end of the lawn. He hung out at the old Indian spring all day, hoping we’d forget his misdeed.
I love horses because they have such a wonderful sense of humor.
Cat/Human
SNEAKY’S FAVORITE OYSTER’S
1 quart fresh oysters
½ cup coarse cornmeal
4 bay leaves
Pinch of salt and pepper
1 egg, beaten
3 tablespoons Crisco (you may need more, so keep some handy)
Thoroughly wash the oysters.
Crumble the 4 bay leaves into the cornmeal, and toss in the salt and pepper.
Mix in the egg.
Spread the moistened meal on a piece of wax paper or foil.
Dredge the oysters with the batter until completely covered.
Put the Crisco in a number 5 frying pan (or whatever you like) and melt over high heat. When the Crisco is hot, turn the heat down to medium-high and add the oysters, turning them once. Depending on how hot the fat is (every stove is a little different), they should be done in 10 minutes.
HUMANS MIGHT LIKE more spices, but then I won’t eat the oysters. This way we can both eat them.
Sneaky Pie's Cookbook for Mystery Lovers Page 3