Create a Life to Love

by Erin Zak

  She repositioned herself and crossed her legs up under her in the chair. “Not at all.” She motioned toward a window seat. “You can sit if you want.”

  As I made my way to the window seat, I stopped and looked at a canvas next to her desk. It stood from the floor almost to the ceiling, and on it was a painting of a giant oak tree with a girl swinging on a rope swing. “This is amazing,” I said softly.

  “Thanks.”

  I looked over my shoulder at her and then back to the painting. The girl was small, young in age, with her hair in braids, but she had on jeans and a hoodie and checkerboard Vans. Just like someone else I knew. “This is you, isn’t it?”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  I looked over my shoulder at her. She was biting her bottom lip, also staring at the painting.

  “It’s supposed to represent how I feel all the time.”

  “Which is?”

  “Small? Alone?” She paused, and I could see she had focused the biting attention on the inside of her cheek. She stopped abruptly, though, and shrugged only one shoulder. “Scared.” She let out a breathy sigh, and it sounded as if she was fighting back some serious emotion. Truth be told, so was I. My daughter just told me she felt small, alone, and scared. How the fuck was I supposed to handle that? “I won first place with it at my school’s art competition. I got third at the state finals.”

  “Are the rest of these yours then?” I was happy for the subject change, so I went with it and motioned to the various drawings and paintings. They were all awesome. I was never much of an art buff, but this kid obviously had the talent and the emotion to back it up. A lot of both, it seemed.

  “Yeah. Art’s kind of my thing.”

  “You’re good at it.” I took the remaining steps to the window seat and sat. My heart was beating so hard. I knew she couldn’t hear it, but the strangest sensation came over me. Almost as if I could feel her heart beating just as hard as mine. It was a biological connection I had no idea could exist. “So, I wanted to tell you,” I said as I looked at her. “That I am actually kind of glad that you decided to find me.”

  Her eyes lit up, and that small, alone, and scared kid vanished, and in her place sat this beautiful teenager with so much sparkle. “Really?”

  “Yes. But only kind of,” I said with a smile. She smiled back, so I knew my humor was received.

  “Because you didn’t seem like it.”

  “Honestly?” I looked down at my hands and then up at her ceiling. It had glow-in-the-dark stars all over it. “You freaked me out.”

  “Ya don’t say.”

  I laughed at her sarcasm. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

  “I forgive you.”

  I needed a subject change. And fast. “What are you working on there?”

  Beth looked at the pad of paper and then back up at me. “Don’t make fun of me.”

  “I promise, I won’t.” She handed it over, and my breath caught in my throat as I took in the artwork. It was a charcoal drawing of me in the car. She captured everything. The natural wave of my hair, the slight bump on the bridge of my nose, the scar on my neck that a cat gave me when I was ten years old. She even caught the blur of the scenery in the background. “Beth,” I whispered. “This is beautiful.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You did this from memory?”

  She shrugged. “I mean, yeah. I would never be able to forget how you look.” She smiled. “I mean, since we look so much alike and all.”

  “It’s weird how accurate that statement is.” I chuckled.

  “I would never forget anyway, though.” Her voice was so soft when she said it.

  I reached forward and placed my hand on her cheek. My eyes filled with tears, and before I knew it, I was crying like a baby. “God, I’m so sorry.” I frantically wiped at my tears. “I’m gonna go lie down. You, um, you be good.” I rolled my eyes at myself as I rushed over to the bedroom door. I fumbled with the doorknob before I got it open. “Good night,” I said quickly and left the room. I couldn’t handle the feelings that all of this was causing. I did not want to be a mom, goddammit. I did not want any of this. Ever.

  So, why didn’t I want to let it go?

  Chapter Three

  BETH

  When I woke up in the morning, I was positive that Jackie would have snuck away in the middle of the night. That was what I would have done. It wasn’t that I ran away a lot or anything. It was that I hated the feeling of being trapped. Even as a little kid, I would freak out when my legs would get wrapped up in the blankets or if someone held me down to tickle me. So, being here in the house with people she wasn’t super excited about? I would have bolted.

  So, when I walked downstairs and saw Jackie sitting at the kitchen island having coffee with my mom, I was absolutely shocked.

  “Good morning, sleepyhead,” my mom said as she walked over and kissed me on the forehead. Everyone was taller than me. Mom and now even Jackie was taller than me. I wondered who I got the height from—or lack thereof—because obviously, I drew the short end of the stick. Pun intentional. I didn’t think now was the time to start asking questions about my biological father. Would I ever know anything about him?

  “Morning, Mom.” I smiled at Jackie. “Morning, Jackie. How’d you sleep?”

  I didn’t miss the look she gave my mom before she answered. “I slept well. You?”

  “Like a baby.” The whole conversation was surreal. It was even more surreal that my mom was making pancakes. This wasn’t some big family reunion breakfast, so what the hell was she doing? “You’re making breakfast?” She nodded and smiled when she looked over her shoulder at me. “Is there bacon?” She pointed to the plate covered with paper towels. “Yesss.”

  Jackie laughed. “You’re a trip.”

  No, this entire fucking morning was a trip so far. “Did Dad make it home last night, or did he have to pull an all-nighter?”

  Mom nodded. “A full thirty-six-hour shift. The hospital never sleeps.”

  “Doctor?”

  “Yes, in the ER. He’s been there forever.” I really disliked talking about my dad. When I was growing up, he was great. But ever since I turned ten, he changed. I didn’t know what happened or why, but he started staying later at work, never saying no to on-call shifts at the hospital, and Mom and him would fight a lot. It scared me, actually, because I didn’t understand what was going on. Why were they fighting? Why did Dad constantly tell Mom things weren’t okay? That she wasn’t okay? That none of this was working? I would hear it at night, and it would make my stomach roll.

  “Sounds pretty important.”

  “Oh, he is,” I said. Mom must have sensed my sarcasm because she gave me a look. “What?”

  “Not at the breakfast table.”

  “I’m at the island.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  I rolled my eyes. When I looked over at Jackie, she was watching my mom like a hawk. I knew my mom was pretty. I used to hate that I didn’t look exactly like her because she had this way about her, this natural beauty that I would have killed for. She never wore a lot of makeup, maybe mascara and blush. She barely had to do her hair. Let it air dry, and the curl was so perfect. And she always dressed nice and trendy, even for an older lady. Even when she didn’t need to.

  And then there was me. I literally had to try every single day. Even when I didn’t try, I had to look as if I wasn’t trying. I mean, I wasn’t ugly, but I wasn’t breathtaking. And I wanted to be so badly. It was absolutely infuriating. But seeing Jackie looking at Mom…I didn’t know how to describe it, but I guess the term “territorial” sprang to mind because all I could think was, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

  Jackie looked over at me, her eyes wide, and I realized I had actually said it out loud. “Oh, I was playin’,” I said, quickly covering my tracks. “You looked so deep in thought.”

  She didn’t buy it. She knew she’d been made because she immediately stopped looking. I almost felt bad for cal
ling her out. Almost.

  As breakfast moved from the kitchen island to the table, I started watching Jackie and Mom’s interactions. They seemed awfully comfortable with each other, especially considering their connection. I found it odd because I kind of figured they’d hate each other. I mean, why wouldn’t they? I’d seen way too many stupid after-school specials where the biological mom tried to steal her kid back. Or TV shows where the adoptive mom turned into a raging bitch because the child would rather be with the biological parent. I’d seen some crazy stuff before, and what was unfolding before my eyes was crazy but in an entirely different way.

  “Would you like to check out Forsythe Park before you get on the road, Jackie?”

  Jackie and I exchanged looks after my mom asked the question. “Yeah, Jackie, would you?” I chimed in. Why was I being like that? Why was I being such a little shit?

  Jackie read my facial expression and my tone like an expert. “No, actually, I should get going. It’s a long drive back to St. Pete.”

  “Oh.”

  My glare immediately switched from Jackie to my mom. What was that tone about? “Mom?”

  “No, it is a long drive,” Mom said as she stood and grabbed our plates. “Are you finished?” She looked at me and gave me a smile I haven’t seen from her in ages. It was the same smile she used to give me when she would patch up my skinned knees after falling off my bike or when she would console me if I came home crying because kids were being mean to me on the playground. It was all lips and nothing else, and it made my throat ache.

  “Mom,” I said after her as she walked away with our empty plates. I stood and followed her, not really sure what I was going to say, but I felt compelled to talk to her in that moment. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes, dear,” she answered. Oh, man, how well did I know that tone?

  “C’mon, Mom,” I urged. “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing, Beth. I promise. Let’s help Jackie get her things together and say good-bye.”

  I watched her rinse each plate and place it in the dishwasher. “Jackie?” I shouted from the kitchen. I heard her scoot her chair across the floor and then emerge from the dining room. I looked over at her. “Let’s do the walk. I think you’ll really like the park. You can see a little of where I grew up.”

  It might have been mother/daughter telepathy, but Jackie understood what I was trying to say. She nodded and smiled. “Okay. That sounds like a nice idea.”

  “Mom, let’s go.”

  * * *

  SUSAN

  Beth had this uncanny knack of seeing right through me. I guess it was years and years of being alone together, even though I was married and was supposed to be raising Beth with Steven. At the end of the day, I raised her by myself. I did it all: I cooked, I cleaned, I patched up her scrapes and cuts, I took her to school and picked her up.

  And yesterday? I had to deal by myself with not being able to find Beth, as well. I called and called and texted and texted, and Steven never responded. It was maddening, but the stark reality that I was actually a single mom was becoming more and more obvious as the years went on.

  When Beth was around eight or nine, Steven started working later and later. Not a couple days a week, but four or five days a week. Now, I realized he was a doctor in the emergency room, and that meant being on-call and dropping whatever he was doing on a dime when asked, but I was not an idiot. I’d been around the block a time or two. I might not be a Rhodes Scholar, but I knew the difference between a medical emergency and a booty call, as well as the difference between a lipstick stain and a bloodstain.

  I wish I could say that I was a strong, confident woman and confronted him about his transgressions, but I’d be lying. I kept my mouth shut. Like the idiot I claimed I wasn’t. But it wasn’t for me. It was for Beth. Everything I did, I did for Beth. I refused to raise her in a broken home. It was my worst nightmare. Maybe because I came from a broken home myself with a horrible father and a mom that was in her grave before Beth was even in my life. Or maybe I feared it would ultimately lead to her having a breakdown, especially once she found out she wasn’t mine. Either way, I made my choice. And I stood by it. But as the years passed by, the broken home I refused to raise her in was happening all around us.

  I loved Steven. Even when he wasn’t the person I fell in love with, I still loved him. I loved him with the part of my heart I hadn’t given Beth. I felt as an adoptive mother, I had to make a conscious choice: how much of my heart did I give to my significant other and how much did I give to my new child? I didn’t get to keep any for myself. That was fine with me, though. I didn’t need it. All I ever wanted was a child, so giving my heart to Beth was easy. Giving some to Steven became more and more difficult.

  “Mom?”

  I looked over at Beth, who was walking next to Jackie on our way back to the house. Beth looked a lot more at ease than she did earlier in the day. “Yes, honey?”

  “Are you okay?”

  There was that sixth sense she had about me. “Oh, yes. I’m fine. Enjoying the spring day.” Beth shook her head. Only I saw it, but I knew what it meant. It meant she didn’t believe me. I smiled at her. “You know spring in Savannah is my favorite.”

  “I can see why,” Jackie said. “It really is beautiful.”

  “Mm-hmm.” I pulled my gaze away from Jackie’s profile and looked straight ahead. I could see our house. The front was so picturesque with it’s gorgeous wrap-around porch and elegant, stained-glass windows. I loved everything about it. But for some reason, the thought of walking back was unsettling.

  I looked over at Beth and Jackie. They were walking a couple steps ahead of me now. I heard Beth say Jackie’s name.

  “Do you think, y’know, you and I could keep in touch?”

  I heard Jackie’s smile more than saw it. “Of course,” she said. “I’d actually really like that.”

  “You would?” Beth’s voice was so surprised, so genuine. It broke my heart that she was so unsure of herself.

  “Oh, Beth, of course.” Jackie draped her arm over Beth’s shoulders and pulled her close. “I’m sorry I ever gave you the idea that I wouldn’t want to.”

  “It’s okay. I mean, I’m sure it wasn’t how you expected to spend your weekend.”

  Jackie’s laugh was so lovely. It was deep, wonderful, and layered with hope. “You’re absolutely right about that.” She squeezed Beth a little tighter. “Now you can text me when you want to hitchhike over.”

  “Jackie!” I said.

  They both laughed. “I was kidding.” Jackie looked back at me. Her eyes were sparkling. “She can fly. Flights aren’t horribly expensive. Or take the bus. Either way.”

  “You researched it?” I didn’t know why, but the thought of her on her phone in the darkness of the spare bedroom, researching different modes of transportation from Savannah to St. Petersburg made my hands ache. It was so not what I expected out of her.

  “Yeah, Jackie, you did?” Beth’s eyes were filled with love. Boy, how her mood had changed from this morning. She’d acted as if she was ready to get rid of Jackie, and now she was two seconds from asking if she could go spend spring break with her.

  Jackie laughed. “It’s not like it was hard. Google maps, people.”

  We finished the walk mostly in silence. The birds were chirping, and the air was so crisp. It wasn’t normal. Even the Spanish moss in the southern live oaks hung less limply. The break in humidity was welcomed by all, it appeared.

  As soon as we got in front of the house, I could feel a heaviness return to the air. It settled right under my throat and made it hard to swallow. I slid my hands into the front pockets of my khaki, cropped chinos and tried to fight the suffocating feeling. “So, you’ll text Beth when you make it home?” My voice sounded strained and not at all like mine.

  “Yes, I’ll text you both now that I have your numbers.”

  “I gave her yours, Mom.” Beth smiled at me and nudged me softly with her shoulder.

&n
bsp; “Okay, then, I guess this is good-bye?”

  Jackie’s smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I guess so.” She turned to Beth and held out her arms. “C’mere, kid.” Beth left my side and wrapped her arms around Jackie’s waist. Jackie’s arms wrapped easily around Beth’s shoulders, and she kissed her light brown hair and then her forehead. “Don’t be a stranger,” she said into Beth’s hair. Her voice was muffled, but I could hear the emotion behind it.

  “I won’t be.” Beth pulled away and looked at Jackie. “You, either, ‘kay?”

  Jackie smiled and hugged her again, but this time, she looked right at me. I couldn’t explain why, but the look made my stomach clench and my throat tighten. I tried to smile, but I couldn’t. All I could feel were the tears stinging my eyes.

  “Okay, I’m getting out of here.” She held Beth’s hand quickly, then turned to leave. “I’ll text you.”

  “Drive safe,” Beth shouted as Jackie climbed into her car and started it. I felt Beth put her arm around my waist and lean her head into my shoulder, but I couldn’t reciprocate. I had no idea what was happening to me, but the sight of watching Jackie drive into the afternoon sun was too much for me to handle.

  “Let’s go inside,” I finally said when we could no longer see the black BMW on Whitaker.

  “Is Dad home?” Beth asked, and as she finished her question, I heard the door into the kitchen from the garage open. My heart sank when she ran over to him. I was half expecting her to throw her arms around him, but she didn’t. And it thrilled me. I hated myself for being happy that she was finally having reservations about him. She didn’t have as many as I did, and I hoped she never would. It made me such a horrible person that a small part of me wanted her to know about his anger and his indiscretions so I’d have someone on my side.

  Steven pulled on Beth’s arms and then looked at her. “What’s going on? Where were you?”

  “Hi to you, too.” Beth huffed as she shrugged his hands from her shoulders. “Dad, I’m fine. I’m actually really great.” Beth was fighting a smile. I could see it in her cheeks. I found myself fighting my own happiness, as well.