Create a Life to Love

by Erin Zak

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. My mouth was so dry. “And what could happen?” My voice didn’t even sound like mine. It was low and throaty, and did I sound aroused? How was that even me still?

  “Susan, what do you want to happen?”

  I bit the inside of my cheek.

  “Do you even know?” she asked, still holding my hand, still tracing the life line on my palm, running her fingers along the tips of my short, manicured nails. It was so erotic. I could barely stand it.

  “No,” I said. “Yes? Maybe? I don’t know.”

  “That’s kind of what I figured.”

  “Jackie?”

  “Hmm?”

  “This is new for me. You know that, don’t you?” I asked. She let go of my hand, leaned forward, and grabbed her wineglass. She took a sip, then swirled the remainder in the glass. I watched the way she held the stem. The need to feel those fingers on my skin again was becoming a desire I couldn’t control.

  “I know,” she finally answered. “I don’t know why I’m even entertaining this idea.”

  “Because you think I’m beautiful and sexy, and you want to show me what it’s like to be taken care of?” I didn’t know what had gotten into me. Beautiful and sexy? I was never this sure of myself. It must have been the wine. Or maybe it was Jackie’s entire aura. Everything about her was as intoxicating as the wine, if not more so.

  I saw her raise her eyebrows, then the corners of her perfect lips pulled upward. “Beautiful and sexy, eh?” She locked her eyes on mine. “I can’t really argue with that.”

  “It’s been a really long time since I’ve felt like this.”

  “Susan,” she said, then sighed. “This morning you were—”

  “A different person. I know.”

  “But you—”

  “Didn’t know how to handle whatever is going on inside me.”

  “Then what…” She sighed again. I was beginning to love those heavy breaths of air. “I don’t even know.”

  “Happened?” I asked, and she scrunched her face and nodded. “Is it going to upset you if I say I honestly don’t have an explanation?”

  “Look,” Jackie said. She turned more toward me. “I do not need this in my life. I don’t need to be your experiment or your rebound. You are literally getting a divorce. From a man. Fuck.” She leaned her head back and groaned at the ceiling of the balcony. “What the fuck am I doing?”

  “Hey,” I said softly, and she looked at me. Her eyes in the candlelight looked bluer in that moment, and I could tell she was near tears. “Do you want to do this?”

  She nodded.

  “You want to kiss me?”

  She nodded again.

  “Do you want to do more with me?”

  “Um, yeah,” she said and chuckled. “I want to do everything with you.”

  “I want that, too.”

  She reached forward and lightly traced my jawline like she had days before, and it did the same thing to me that it did then. I was seconds away from combustion. “You want to jump into bed with me?”

  “Yes, actually, which is crazy to me. All of this is crazy to me. I wouldn’t even know what to do.”

  “What do you like?”

  “What do you mean?” I shrugged. “Like sexually?”

  Jackie laughed. “Yes. Like, sexually,” she said and leaned back against the armrest of the couch. She never took her eyes off me, though, which was such a turn on.

  I didn’t think anyone had ever asked me that question before. There had been men in my life before Steven. Quite a few actually. I wasn’t exactly tame when I first stepped foot on the University of Georgia’s campus. I grew up in Savannah, where everyone knew my name and my business, so college was brand new territory. And I made sure to sow my wild oats. I had no inhibitions and barely any responsibilities. I figured out that I liked everything, as long as I knew the person for more than one date. I was never a first date kind of girl. I tore my gaze away from Jackie and took a deep breath. Should I tell her what I like? What I want in bed with her? My heart was beating so hard and fast. “I love being undressed.”

  She rolled her eyes. “After that?”

  “Honestly?”

  She nodded.

  I took a deep breath. Tell her. My eyes drifted over her face to her neck, to that soft hollow that I never realized I found so insanely attractive and to the rise and fall of her chest and the swell of her breasts. How could only looking at her fill me with such lust? “I want to be taken control of…conquered. I want…” I paused and took another deep breath. “I want to have an orgasm that I am not giving myself.” I locked eyes with Jackie again as she licked her lips and adjusted her position.

  “Never had them with Steven?”

  “A couple times but nothing to write home about.”

  “Would you have really written home about that anyway?” Jackie asked, and we both descended into laughter.

  “Good point.”

  “I think you’re still drunk.”

  “I’m pretty sober now.”

  “I think wine does things to you, though. It’s your kryptonite or something.”

  “I think you might be my kryptonite,” I said, and the smile that spread across her lips looked delicious. All I wanted her to do was reach over, grab my face, and kiss me like I’d never been kissed before. I wanted her to take control of this entire evening and dominate me. I wanted her to be what I was so done being, which was in control.

  “I’m your weakness then?” Her voice was breathy, and it made my entire body erupt in chills.

  I nodded. “How weird is that?”

  Jackie smiled, and it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “We are not supposed to be feeling like this. You know this, right?”

  “You mean in general or to protect Beth?”

  “Both?” Jackie took a deep breath, and I felt my eyes drift to her cleavage without any coaxing from my brain. I bit my lip and tried to control myself.

  “So, what do we do?”

  “We need to figure that out.” Jackie reached forward and put her fingers under my chin. “My eyes are up here.”

  It was absolutely my turn to blush. “My God, I’m a teenage boy.”

  “Yeah, you’re still drunk.”

  “You’re right.” I sighed and pulled my eyes from her. “Let’s take a breath.”

  Jackie took my hand in hers again and squeezed. “I have the patience of a saint.”

  Yeah, well, I didn’t.

  Chapter Nine

  JACKIE

  Beth was a hot mess and moody as hell. I wasn’t sure if it was because of last night when we went to dinner without her or if it was because she was nervous about going to the the Rusty Nail. Either way, my first taste of hormonal teenage rage was not pretty.

  “Y’know, you would never understand what I’m going through right now!”

  I stopped in my tracks in the hallway and looked at Beth in the guest bathroom. “What the hell are you talking about? I go to get you a hairbrush and come back to you yelling at me?”

  Beth held her hands up. Her hair was a mess, and she still wasn’t completely dressed. We were supposed to leave in forty minutes. “Well, you’re the one that’s so fucking pretty. You probably don’t even have to try!”

  “Whoa there, missy.” I walked toward her and put the brush down. “What is going on?”

  “I…” Tears started to appear in her eyes, and I was frozen in place. What the hell was I supposed to do? “I feel so ugly. And Brock is so cute. And Peggy! Don’t even get me started on how hot she is. I don’t know what to wear. I can’t get my hair to behave with this stupid humidity. I’m such a mess.”

  “First of all,” I said and folded my arms across my chest. “Brock will think you’re even more beautiful this time than he did the last time. He’s not going to see all these things that you think are imperfections. You realize that, right?”

  Beth shrugged.

  “Well, I can guarantee that he’ll see what I
see.”

  “Which is what? A dumb teenager?”

  I laughed. “No, although the case could be made for that. I mean that he’ll see a beautiful young woman. Coming into her own. Figuring herself out. And seriously, come on. If nothing else, he’ll be so excited that you actually showed up that it won’t matter if you’re wearing a burlap sack.”

  I saw a smile starting to form on Beth’s lips.

  “And another thing, why does it matter if this Peggy chick is hot? Is she interested in Brock?”

  Beth’s eyes found mine. Her eyes that were so mine that it was kind of hard to look at her sometimes. In that moment, it was like seeing myself as a teenager, and I did not want to relive those days. “I’m pretty sure she doesn’t like him.”

  “Then?”

  She shrugged.

  Oh… “Do you like her, too?”

  She shrugged again.

  “Okay,” I said and paused. I tried to gather all of the sage wisdom that I could. All the years of knowledge from trying to figure myself out. “Not knowing isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”

  “It’s not?”

  “Heck no. Let’s say you go to a restaurant, and you like two things on the menu. Wouldn’t you want to order and try both? Who’s to say you can’t do that in this situation, too?”

  “It’s not that simple, Jackie,” Beth mumbled with her head down.

  I reached over and gently lifted her face with two fingers until she was looking at me. “It’s only as complicated as you make it, my dear.”

  “Do you think it’s weird that I might like her?”

  “You’re kidding me, right?”

  Beth started to giggle.

  “I mean, seriously? Do you honestly think I, a lesbian, would think it’s weird that you might like a woman?”

  She was still giggling.

  “Come on!” We were both laughing now, and it felt really good. “Now, if you do happen to like her, or hell, if you end up liking them both, you need to remember to be yourself. Don’t change who you are for anyone. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Now,” I started as I put my hands on her arms and rubbed them lightly. “You have got to settle down. Let me help you with your hair. If it’s anything like mine, I know exactly how to handle it.”

  Beth’s mouth turned up into a small smile.

  “And your clothes? It’s not a fancy place. You need to chill out. Jeans, tank top, your Vans. That’s the best part about it being at a gay bar. No one gives a fuck.”

  She nodded and wiped at her face.

  “As for your makeup, I can help with that, too.”

  “Jackie?”

  “What?”

  “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

  “You better be,” I said, followed by a wink, and she snorted. “Now sit down and let me curl your hair.”

  Beth sat still as I put large curls in her hair with my curling iron. She told me about her past guy friends and how none of them ever worked out on a romantic level. I noticed how nervous she got when she said she absolutely knew she had a crush on her English teacher, Mrs. Samuels. I never wanted to be a mom, to have these conversations with my child, to see her struggle or flourish, but talking with Beth? Finding out about her eccentricities? Learning about the things that made her tick? It was incredible. She was flawless. And I could tell if I kept thinking about how wonderful it all felt, I would start crying.

  Thankfully, Susan came home from walking Myrtle around the time we were almost done with the hair. She walked toward the bathroom and without missing a beat said, “Beth, you look absolutely beautiful!” She smiled and folded her arms across her chest as she leaned against the door frame. “I love it.”

  “It looks okay?”

  Susan looked at me and smiled. “It looks so good. I’m impressed.”

  “Stand up and look.” I finished loosening the curls, and she did as I instructed. When she looked in the mirror, she let out a gasp.

  Beth turned her head from side to side, pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, and smiled at herself in the mirror. “Holy cow. I look really pretty!”

  Susan and I both laughed with her. “Of course you do. I know what I’m doing! And I had good stuff to work with.”

  Beth turned toward me. “Thank you so much.”

  “Makeup!” I shouted, and she sat back down on the toilet and let me put blush and mascara on her. She looked fresh and clean, and I was proud of myself. And of her for letting me do it. “Go change. Hurry! We are leaving in ten minutes.”

  She sprinted out of the bathroom past her mom and into her room where she slammed the door. I glanced at Susan who was looking at me with a grin plastered on her face. She looked so carefree and relaxed in her skinny jeans and black shirt with three-quarter-length sleeves. “You are amazing,” she said, her voice smooth. It made chill bumps appear on my arms.

  “Nah. She was freaking out.”

  Susan reached out and lightly grabbed my wrist. “Take the compliment.”

  “Fine.” I shrugged. “I’m amazing.”

  “There you go,” she said as she pulled me into a hug. It was the most intimate contact we shared since the night before, and it made my knees weak.

  When Beth’s door flew open, Susan jerked away from me, and the abrupt interruption definitely got rid of my weak knees. It actually really hurt my feelings. I hated that I let it.

  “Are you ready?” Susan asked, breathless. I wanted to roll my eyes at her, but it was hard to be upset when I understood.

  “Yes. I’m ready. Are you sure you guys don’t mind coming with?”

  “Of course not,” I answered as we walked to the door.

  As we were leaving, Susan said, “If you decide to hang out afterward, we will get out of your hair.” I glanced at her and wondered if she knew that us alone would mean something was going to happen.

  “You’d let me hang out afterward?”

  Susan looked at me and then at Beth. “Is that not okay?”

  “Um, yeah, Mom, but I thought for sure you’d be like, ‘It’s a new town with new people that I don’t trust.’”

  I laughed, and Susan gasped. “What?” I asked after we got into the car. “It was a perfect imitation!”

  “You two ganging up on me is not okay,” Susan said as she looked at me and then back at Beth in the back seat. She giggled, and Susan shook her head. “You both think this is real funny, don’t you?”

  “Absolutely,” Beth and I said in unison. It was so weird laughing and having a good time with my daughter. I always thought if I ever met her, it would hit me like a freight train. But I was wrong. It was hitting me gradually, like a summer rain shower that started slow and ended in a thunderstorm. I was afraid of how it would affect me as I got closer to Beth. Would I cry when they decided they were going to leave? Would I beg them to stay? Would I be okay if they didn’t listen? I glanced at Susan in the passenger seat. She was softly singing along to The Lumineers on the radio, tapping out the beat with her fingers of the left hand on her jean-covered thigh. I knew right then and there that I wouldn’t be okay. But how did this all happen to me? How did I go from never gonna settle to please don’t leave me?

  When we pulled up to the Rusty Nail, I glanced at Beth in the rearview mirror. She looked terrified. “Hey,” I said, and she glanced up. Our eyes locked in the mirror. “You okay?”

  She nodded.

  Susan turned and looked back at her. “Is this boy really that cute?”

  Beth shrugged but not before looking at my reflection again. “He’s pretty cute.”

  “Let’s go.” I quickly changed the subject. “We’re going to have trouble finding a seat. This place is packed.” After we walked in, I scanned the seating area. There was one table open, and it was in the back. Beth shrugged when I motioned at it, and then I heard my name being shouted from near the stage. I peered across the crowd to see who it was until someone tackle-hugged me from behind. I was assaulted by a familiar scent. Aveda. Dammit.
“Dana!” I shouted when I turned to face her, and she hugged me again.

  “We’re all over here! I didn’t think you were coming tonight,” she said over the music. She looked adorable. Her curly mass of hair was pulled away from her face for the first time in forever. Her eyes finally glanced over my shoulder and landed on Beth and Susan. “Oh.”

  “Yeah, um, I’m with them tonight.”

  “Hi,” Beth said as she seemed to lose her nervousness and came to life. She held her hand out and stood between Dana and me. “And you are?”

  “Beth, honey, don’t be rude,” Susan said with a raised voice. She smiled as she stepped forward and stood next to me. “Hi, I’m Susan. This rude millennial is Beth.”

  Dana looked at me, an eyebrow arched to her hairline, then she looked at Susan. “I’m Dana. I’m one of Jackie’s friends. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

  “No, we would actually love to sit with you guys if you have room,” Beth said. Her smile was huge. “I’m here to see a couple people that play in the band, and you all have great seats.”

  “I think we have room.” Dana jerked her head toward their seats. “C’mon, let’s go.” I could tell that Dana was irritated and full of questions. I was praying she wouldn’t turn into the territorial jealous lover I’d seen from her numerous times before.

  When we approached the table, Tabitha jumped up and pumped her fists in the air. “You’re here! This is awesome!” She awkwardly made her way around the table and lunged at me, pulling me into a giant bear hug. “My God, is that Susan? She’s gorgeous,” she whispered against my ear, and I couldn’t help my smile.

  “Yes,” I answered, and she lifted me off the ground. When she set me down, she playfully pushed me out of the way and extended a hand to Beth. “So, you’re the daughter?”

  I knew Beth was opening up more and more. She was settling down around me, and she seemed to really enjoy the relationship we were building. But the smile that came to her lips when Tabitha knew who she was made my heart burst. I was so happy to see that she was actually proud that I shared that part of myself with someone. She took Tabitha’s hand and shook it. “Yes, I’m Beth. You must be Tabitha?”