by Erin Zak
I looked down at my drawing. It actually was really good. Why was I doubting myself so much? I jerked my head up when I heard Peggy’s voice coming from the hallway and saw her turn the corner into the art room. She smiled at me, and my heart jumped into my throat. She was so beautiful with that goddamn purple streak in her red hair.
“Hey there, my sweet Georgia girl,” she said as she approached. God, I loved that she called me that. She was making this so hard. She leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, and I felt myself pull away. “Whoa there.” She looked at me. “What’s going on?”
“You told Mrs. Thorn about my paintings?” I watched Peggy’s face fall. “Those are private. I showed you because you’re important to me. Not because I want other people to see them.”
“Come on,” she said softly as she reached for my hands. I pulled them away, though, and the look that appeared on her face was as if I killed something inside her. It broke my heart, but I felt really betrayed.
“No. This is not up for debate. You should have asked me. Or better yet, you should have kept your mouth shut.”
Peggy stared at me for one beat, then two, and finally looked away. She pulled her bottom lip into her mouth and bit down with her straight, white teeth. I saw her chest rise and fall with the deep breath she pulled in through her nose and let out slowly. “Y’know what?”
“No, I don’t.” I was struggling. I wanted to kiss her and be mad at her at the same time. How was that possible?
She looked at me, pushed her hair behind her ears, and crossed her arms before she said, “You are a hell of an artist. You capture things, pets, people like no one else I have ever seen.”
“You act like you’re a fucking curator of an art museum or something. You know nothing.”
“I know nothing?”
“Yes, you know nothing.”
“Why? Because I don’t have a goddamn art degree? You think that means I don’t understand beauty when I see it? Or that things don’t touch my fucking soul?”
Whelp, there went my heart as it melted onto the floor. Fuck.
“You are amazing, Beth.” Peggy uncrossed her arms and put both hands on my face. I didn’t pull away this time. I stared into her eyes and felt myself getting lost in them. I hated how much I loved her. “You do things I never thought possible. You have this joy surrounding you, this amazing energy that I am so thankful I get to be around. Beth…” She stopped and took a deep breath. “You create this life for yourself to live in, and you have let me be a part of it. And I am so thankful for that.”
“But I don’t want others to be a part of it.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s private.”
“Do you have any idea how many people would kill for the opportunity to see their parents fall in love?”
“What?” I asked. The sad part about her question was that I knew that was what was happening. I knew my mom and Jackie had fallen in love. I could see it and feel it, and that was why I started the paintings. I sensed it was happening before the first brushstroke happened. But hearing Peggy say it, hearing it laid out so plainly, was a gut check I was not prepared for.
“Honey,” she said softly. “You know that’s what’s happening. You see it. You’ve captured it. And it’s fucking beautiful.” She leaned forward and kissed my forehead. “You can keep them private if you want. Or you can show the world what it means to find happiness and love in the most unexpected places.” She moved one of her hands onto mine and squeezed it before she turned and left me sitting in the art room by myself.
* * *
SUSAN
Well, it was official.
I was addicted to sex with Jackie Mitchell.
I’d spent most of my adult life being turned down. I’d conditioned myself to not want sex or want to try to have sex because rejection was a hard thing to deal with. When I looked back at the years I spent with Steven, I wondered how I did it. I wondered how the hell I didn’t go absolutely stark raving mad. Because I really enjoyed sex. I actually craved it a lot. Well, maybe it wasn’t the sex that I craved? Maybe it was the intimacy or the connection with my significant other that made me feel as if I mattered, as if I was the only person who existed in those moments, as if the person holding my heart would never hurt it.
It was amazing how quickly I got to the point of thinking that I was crazy. That I was selfish and awful for wanting more from a person that already gave me a lot. He gave me a great house, a wonderful life; he supported me when I had miscarriage after miscarriage. He was the one who helped me start looking into adoption, even though I knew he was fine without trying any longer. I was depressed and sad and a real hot mess.
Steven slipped away, though. The man I fell in love with slipped right through my fingers, like sand that was held too tightly. The harder I held on, the further he got from me, until sleeping in the same bed was foreign, kissing was uncomfortable, and sex was unheard of.
Conditioning wasn’t only what happened when an athlete trained for an event. Anyone could be conditioned. I specialized in reconditioning juvenile drug addicts. I took their miserable moments, made them remember them, and then conditioned them to want to never relive them. To find the good in their lives and hold on to it with both hands. And above all: focus. Focus on the good, and happiness without pain. Don’t forget the past, but don’t focus on it.
Before I knew it, I was doing the same thing. I conditioned myself to focus on Beth and on running the house. I did it all wrong, though. I forgot the most important part.
Focus on finding happiness without pain.
I forgot all about my own happiness. And when I quit my job and sank deeper and deeper into the black hole of my unhappiness, I could no longer focus.
But now?
Wow. Talk about a turn-around.
I was smiling and laughing again. I was focusing on Beth’s beautiful transformation, on Myrtle’s smiling face when she would play in the gulf, on Jackie’s eyes and hands and the curve of her lips. And I was focusing on my own happiness. Which meant when Jackie brought me to orgasm two times on the kitchen floor and then proceeded to do the same when we moved to her bed, I embraced every single second, and it was absolutely incredible.
It baffled me. How had I lived my entire adult life with someone who barely wanted to touch me? Barely wanted to kiss me? Barely wanted to have sex with me? I remembered having the conversation with my friends about my lack of a sex life. Their husbands were all over them, all the time, and mine I could barely get to look at me twice. When I found the lipstick stains and smelled the different perfumes, I knew then that it really was me. It wasn’t that I found the only man in the tri-county area who didn’t like sex. It meant that I was not what did it for him anymore.
I absolutely should have gone to therapy for all of that.
Weren’t medical professionals always the worst patients, though?
I heard the door open and close to the condo. I was sitting on the balcony watching the dolphins swim around the gulf in the distance. I knew it was Beth getting home from school. I wondered how she would feel after our discussion this morning. It was a welcome surprise when all of a sudden, I felt her hand on my shoulder before she plopped onto the couch next to me.
“Well, hello there,” I said softly. I studied her profile, the tan she was getting from the Florida sun, and the way she focused on the calm of the view in front of us. She looked so free. I don’t know if I ever saw her like that before.
“What a day.”
“Long?”
“No, it was…weird?” She looked over at me briefly and then immediately back at the gulf. “Very, very weird.”
“Want to share?”
“I showed my paintings to Peggy.”
I smiled. “Really? That’s big. You won’t even show them to me.”
Beth looked at me and raised an eyebrow. Some of the facial expressions she made were so me that it was hard to think I didn’t actually have anything to do with that b
iology. “Yeah, well, she told my art teacher about them.”
“Mrs. Thorn, right?” I asked, and Beth nodded. “Well, why is that bad? Didn’t you say she thinks you have talent? You were excited about that.”
“She wants me to enter them into this prestigious art competition.”
“Beth, honey, that is so great!”
“Mom,” Beth said, followed by a sigh. I knew that tone. She was worried about something. “The paintings are about you and Jackie. And like, your journey.”
Oh… “Our journey?”
“Yes.” Beth took a deep breath. “I know you two are together. I wish you’d stop playing dumb.”
“Wait a second.” I adjusted my position on the couch and turned toward her. “Your paintings are of Jackie and me?” Beth nodded. “And they’re of us slowly figuring things out.” It wasn’t a question, but Beth nodded again. “You’ve known this whole time, haven’t you?”
“It’s a little hard to miss. Do you see how you two look at each other?”
A blush started in my chest and crept into my face. “Beth, look—”
“No, Mom, it’s really okay. Like, I really love Jackie. And I get it. I mean,” Beth started and then paused. “I talked to Peggy about this, about how mad I was at her for telling someone about these when I haven’t even decided how I feel about everything. But I realized that I am happy about it. And she said something really profound. And it’s so true. Not many people get to witness their parents falling in love. And, like, I’ve been able to see it all. I feel like, maybe deep down, I knew it was going to happen, too, which is why I started the paintings almost immediately.”
My heart was in my throat. How did I get so lucky to raise such an amazing young woman? “You’ve seen the whole thing?”
“From the moment you opened the door in Savannah to the moment in the kitchen this morning.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I don’t know why I was sorry, but I was. “I didn’t plan any of this.”
She smiled at me and put her hand on mine. “I know, Mom. I know.” She squeezed my hand. “I’m going to enter the paintings. I wanted to let you know. And I don’t plan on telling Jackie about what the paintings are. But I wanted you to know because you’re my mom. And I didn’t want to shock you.”
“You think Jackie won’t be shocked?”
“No,” she answered with a laugh. “I don’t think much shocks Jackie. Except for you. You shocked her.”
“Yeah, well, your dad is going to be getting a shock in the next couple of days.”
“What? Why?”
“Veronica left a message on my cell.” Beth knew what I was going to say next, but I still ended with, “The divorce papers are on their way. To both of us.”
“Mom, are you okay?” She had her hand on my arm and I could tell she was worried. I nodded, smiled, and tried to reassure her, even though I wasn’t sure if I really was okay. I was so scared. “It’s okay to not be…”
As she said that, Jackie came out to the balcony, Myrtle bounding behind her. “She’s a great runner!” Jackie said as she plopped down on the chair and smiled. It quickly faded as she saw our faces and our positions. “Um, did I interrupt something? Is everything okay?”
Beth acted quickly. “I’m entering my paintings into the Creative Minds art show.”
Jackie’s face lit up, and she leaned forward. “Holy cow, Beth, that is awesome!”
“Yeah, I’m pretty excited about it.”
“It’s in a couple weeks. You know that, right?”
“Yes, I know.” Beth smiled. “Mrs. Thorn talked me into it. And Peggy.”
Jackie glanced at me and then back at Beth. “Look, if you win, which I think you could because you have such talent for being so young, this will be huge. This has been going on for years in St. Pete, and people come from all over the world to enter. It’s a big deal.”
“I’ve heard,” Beth said with a laugh. “I don’t know if I can win, but I wanted to let you know. And you two are more than welcome to come and see the unveiling of the paintings.”
“Oh, we’ll be there. For sure.” Jackie leaned back in the chair. “Let’s go celebrate tonight. Let’s all go to dinner.”
“I think that sounds like a great idea.”
“Can I invite Peggy?”
“Absolutely.” Jackie smiled, and I leaned forward and pulled Beth into a hug.
“You can always invite her,” I whispered next to her ear. “You happy is so beautiful.”
“I feel the same way about you, Mom.”
Chapter Fifteen
JACKIE
For someone who absolutely hated people sometimes, I absolutely loved entertaining. I got anxiety, and I was nervous, and I wanted everything to be perfect, but I absolutely loved it at the same time. I didn’t understand it. I loved inviting my friends over, having beer and wine, cheese, and appetizers. They all begged me to make Italian beef sandwiches and defrost my homemade pierogis, and I did. I was a great hostess
Even though I hated people
It was the weirdest thing.
Either way, it was who I was, and I thought Susan and Beth were starting to understand me little by little, which baffled me since I didn’t even understand myself most of the time.
I decided to throw a party the night before the art fair and the unveiling of Beth’s paintings. I was so excited. I didn’t think Beth was as excited as I was because she was so nervous, but I wanted to take her mind off it for a couple of hours. She agreed to the party, but only after I told her how excited my friends were to support her. She was so much like me, it was ridiculous. I never wanted to do something until I knew people would be devastated if I didn’t show up. Why did I care? Who knew? But I did. I always had. It was slightly annoying.
Tabitha and Janice were there early. And apparently, they were back together, which, whatever. I wanted Tabitha happy.
Dana arrived fashionably late, of course, and made a scene. She brought a new girlfriend, which was fine if not a little frustrating. The new girlfriend, whose name was Vicki, was a fan of my books, and we’d met years earlier. We got along great. She was a really nice person. So, it made me feel bad that Dana only brought her to piss me off. But whatever, I knew Dana was irritated with me. A week earlier, I broke off our friends with benefits arrangement. I should have broken it off with her months ago. I knew she was in love with me, yet I still mindlessly fucked her, and that really fucked her up. I was a horrible person. I really was.
I was turning over a new leaf, though, and it felt good.
Ryan was there about an hour late, but he was practicing for the Creative Minds drag show, so I didn’t give him any shit. He actually brought his mom, Helen, with him to the party. I was so excited. I loved his mom so much. She was hilarious and kind. A total supportive mom, she was our local PFLAG chapter president. Whenever I thought about my mom, I wondered how different things would have been if she would have had a moment or two with Helen.
Beth invited Peggy, of course. And Brock actually made an appearance. He was such a cute kid with a good soul, so I knew it made Beth happy that he seemed to let go of his anger that she “chose” Peggy. The other band members, Taylor and Amanda, were there, too. And a couple other new friends from school. Sadly, I forgot their names. Oh, well.
I knew something was off with Susan toward the beginning of the party, and I was worried, but once everyone arrived, she settled down. Maybe it was nerves? She wouldn’t really tell me. I was trying my hardest to not be overbearing because sometimes I could get that way. It was probably part of the reason I’d stayed single for so long. I could suffocate people easily with my constant need to understand what was going on inside their heads. I was such a basket case sometimes. It was frustrating when I could feel myself doing it, and I kept doing it. So, I backed off and let Susan settle in and was happy when I saw her laughing and talking with Tabitha and Janice. I even saw her exchange some pleasantries with Dana. And Vicki had her ear for a while, talki
ng about me and my books; I heard them both say a couple of my character’s names.
It made me so fucking happy that Susan was reading all of my books. The girlfriend I was with when I published my very first book (a complete labor of love that took forever for me to find the courage to finish and get published) took a long time to read it. Even then, she did it because I kept badgering her. It hurt my feelings so bad that someone who proclaimed to love me wouldn’t want to read something I put so much of my heart and soul into. Maybe I really was selfish?
“You’ve been holding that glass of rosé for the past thirty minutes. It’s getting warm.”
I looked at Beth, who was now standing next to me. She looked so beautiful. So much different than the first time I met her, soaked to the bone standing on my doorstep. “Hi there,” I said and put my arm around her. “How are you?”
She leaned her head against my shoulder. “I’m actually doing really well. Thank you so much for doing this for me.”
I squeezed her a little tighter. “Well, thank you for finding me.”
I could feel her eyes on me. “Jackie?”
I looked down at her. “Yes?”
“You know I know about you and Mom, right? And that I’m completely okay with it?”
I couldn’t think of any words to say. I was a writer, goddammit. It wasn’t often that I was left speechless.
She smiled. “I love you. And I’m so totally stoked with how my life has turned out.”
“You’re stoked, eh?”
A laugh spilled from her, and it made my heart smile. “Yeah, I’m like, so super stoked.” She licked her lips and looked around the room before she looked at me again. “Do you still talk to…um…the sperm donor?”
I gasped and choked on my own saliva.
“Jesus, Jackie, calm down.” Beth laughed as she patted my back. “It was only a question.”
After I calmed down, I put my hand on her arm and made sure she was looking at me. “You want to know about this? Right now?”