by Erin Zak
“I mean…”
I sighed. “I knew him in college. My attempt at being straight. At being normal.” Beth was staring at me, into my eyes, and it was like looking into a mirror. “I don’t talk to him anymore.”
“It was a mistake.”
I saw Beth take a deep breath after she said that, and I smiled. “No, honey. It wasn’t a mistake. We wouldn’t have you. And you are not a mistake. Not one thing about you is a mistake.” I placed two fingers under her chin and my thumb on her chin. “Not even this damn dimple is a mistake.”
“You promise?”
“I’ve never thought you were a mistake.”
“You’re a good mom, Jackie.” Beth pulled my hand from her chin and squeezed it gently before she turned and walked away. Thanks a lot, Beth. I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown at a party. Perfect. I wanted to smack her. I mean, not really, of course, but that was not cool to do in the middle of a party!
My apartment never seemed small until right that second. I turned and moseyed through the crowd of people in my condo, making sure to stop and thank every person I saw for coming. I tried to be nonchalant, but even with the air conditioning cranked and the beautiful breeze pouring in the balcony doors, I was beginning to feel trapped. I beelined toward the balcony, straight to the railing, and took a deep breath. I heard someone following me, and I prayed to God it wasn’t Dana. I was so sad when her familiar scent crashed into me.
“Are you okay?”
She was mimicking my position against the railing, holding her glass of wine over the side like me. “Yes, I’m okay.”
“I miss you,” she said softly.
I looked away from her because I was well aware of what might happen after that confession. I’d been there before with her numerous times, and it always ended the same way. With us in bed, her begging me to love her and me begging her to shut up and fuck me. Looking back on it, I realized how damaging I was to her and how damaging our entire relationship was to me as well. Friends with benefits never ended the way people thought it would. I continued to stare out at the dark water, the moon high in the sky, and realized two months had passed since we were this close to each other. So much happened to me in those months.
A good deal of time passed before I heard her take a deep breath. She nudged my arm with hers. “Jackie, look at me.”
I didn’t want to comply, but it was so hard to say no to someone I’d spent so much time saying yes to. I met her eyes and bit my lip.
“Do you have any idea how hard it is for me seeing you happy?” She smiled. “And liking that I’m not the cause of it?”
“You like that you aren’t causing my happiness?” She was making no sense whatsoever.
She nodded. “Yeah, I really do like it. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy. I wanted to be the cause of that happiness for so long. So very long.” I watched her as she closed her eyes and then looked out into the night. “But you were a star I could never lasso. It’s taken a long time for me to come to terms with that. The last time you came to me, wanting sex, and you kissed me, and it felt weird. Like you were holding something back. Like you were afraid of who you might become if you let go of yourself. Like you were scared that you might actually find happiness. I knew then that what we were doing wasn’t good for us. We would never be the same, and I needed to let you go. I needed to find a way to be okay without you.” Dana smiled. “I didn’t want you to be okay with Susan, though. I’ll admit that.”
“Of course not.”
“You know how I feel about you. I love you to death. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I know, Dana. I’m not going to. Not this time.”
Dana shrugged, sipped her wine, and looked back out at moon-lit water. “I know.”
“Wait. So…” I paused as Dana looked at me, her eyebrows raised. “You didn’t bring Vicki to make me jealous?” Dana leaned her head back as she laughed. “Okay then. Question asked, question answered.”
“You’re ridiculous, ya know that?” Dana nudged me.
“I treated you horribly, didn’t I?”
“Hey, don’t do that,” she said as she snapped her head toward me. “I was there, too. I participated.”
“I know, but Dana—”
“No. Stop.” She looked away again and took the last swallow of her wine. She smacked her lips softly afterward and chuckled to herself. “You really do know your way around a woman’s heart, don’t you?”
“I mean, I hope so. I write romance for a living.”
“Yeah, well, until now, you’ve been pretty shitty at actually following through with that romance.”
“Touché,” I said with a laugh. “That one hurt a little.”
“You deserve it.” Dana nudged me again. “Susan does seem…nice.”
I laughed. “Don’t hurt yourself giving out compliments.”
“What?” Dana was trying to be sincere. Not very hard, but she was trying. “I’m being serious, though. She seems nice.”
“She’s very nice. I really like her.” I could feel the blush in my cheeks and was thankful that the string of Edison lightbulbs were not bright enough to give me away. I smiled. “So, Vicki, though?”
“Don’t start.”
“What? How’d that happen?” I laughed. “I thought maybe you brought her to make me jealous.”
“Truthfully? It started out that way, but…” Dana sighed and shrugged. “She’s really nice. And not that bad in the sack.”
“Jesus,” I said with a laugh. “You’re insatiable.”
“You were not providing anymore. I needed to get it somewhere!”
“Hey, you two!”
We both turned as Tabitha came up behind us holding three shot glasses like an expert bartender. “What’s up?” I asked, and Tabitha shoved one of the shots at me and another at Dana.
“Do you two even realize what day it is?” Tabitha laughed. “You don’t. Because you’re both looking at me like I’m a fucking nut job.”
“It’s a Friday?” Dana laughed.
“No, you fuckers. It’s our ten-year friends’ anniversary. God, you both suck.”
“Holy shit, is it really?” I started to search my memory bank. “Oh my God. It is. We all moved in together—”
“In Kenwood!” Dana shouted. “How the hell do you remember the exact date?”
“Because I’m good.” Tabitha laughed when Dana and I both rolled our eyes. “No, really. I found some pictures last night, and they had the date on them. Ha!” We all descended into laughter. “Okay, so let’s drink. Toast to the future. More years together.” Dana and I both raised our shots and clinked them together with Tabitha’s. We tossed our heads back, and the liquor burned on the way down. It was awful, and I knew immediately what it was.
“What the hell was that?” Dana asked. Her face was all twisted, and the look was unmistakable. She was seconds away from possibly vomiting. Hopefully she wouldn’t lose it over the balcony like she had years earlier.
I laughed. “It was Malort. Tabitha’s favorite thing she ever brought back from Chicago.” It really was disgusting. Tabitha loves a good sneak Malort-shot attack.
“Jesus, Tabitha! Are you trying to kill me?” Dana shouted at her as she punched her on the shoulder. “My fucking throat is on fire.” She was downing her wine now, and I knew that meant she’d be drunk in about forty minutes.
After we stopped laughing and reminiscing, Dana went back inside to find Vicki. Tabitha watched her leave and then looked at me. “She okay?”
I smiled. “Yeah, she’s good. I don’t know…I think maybe I’m the one that always thought she was deeper than she actually was. You know what I mean?” Tabitha stared at me, blinked a couple times, and I couldn’t stop the laugh that spilled from my mouth. “You have no idea what I mean.”
“Nope.” Tabitha shrugged. “As long as you’re both gonna be okay.”
I nodded and downed the rest of my wine. “Janice?” I asked with an eyebrow
cocked.
“She’ll break my heart again. People don’t change. They only think they will.” Tabitha smiled and motioned toward the condo. “Come back in. Susan was asking if you were okay.”
“She was?”
“She said you looked like you had seen a ghost, then you fled to the balcony.” Tabitha laughed. “She can’t keep her eyes off you. How does that feel?”
I shook my head slowly. It was so hard to believe that I actually loved the fact that someone wanted me. “It feels really fucking good.”
“And to think you thought nothing would ever happen.”
“It’s crazy, though.”
“Is it?” Tabitha shrugged. “You never wanted to give Beth up. You’ve regretted it for years and years. You got her back, and you gained someone to spend the rest of your life with. I feel like that’s not crazy at all. It’s pretty fucking romantic if you think about it.”
“Even for a romance writer?”
“Especially for a romance writer.”
I followed Tabitha inside and immediately found Susan’s eyes. She lifted her chin slightly and tilted her head, silently asking if I was okay. I smiled at her and winked. I could see the weight lift from her shoulders, and it made my entire heart jump into my throat. I didn’t know how this all happened, or why, but it was time to stop questioning it and let it happen.
It was time to be happy.
* * *
BETH
No lie, I was so not looking forward to the party. I was actually dreading it. When Jackie brought it up, I protested it hardcore. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the idea that someone wanted to do something nice for me. In fact, that was the only part that I was okay with. But there was not a bone in my body that liked being the center of attention. It was part of the reason that I didn’t want to do the art fair. The idea that my work, my heart and soul, was going to be looked at and judged and critiqued made my stomach hurt.
Jackie was so freaking excited about the party, though. She told me a couple times that this was good and what needed to happen to an emerging artist. Her friends threw her a party when she released her first book. And then for every book after that, she had a launch party. At the point she was at in her writing career, she didn’t need to do launch parties, but she knew it was a good excuse to get together, drink, and have fun. I was hoping that as I aged, I would be more like her and find a place where I was okay with the attention. Jackie seemed way more comfortable in her skin in front of people than I ever had. I knew she was older and had a lot more time on this earth than I had, but it still baffled me how outwardly she seemed fine. Even if on the inside, she was freaking out. I asked her how she managed to get to that point in her life, and she said sometimes you had to put yourself out there and hope for the best. Did she like doing it? No. But it was necessary. She used the term “personal growth” more than once. Which made me laugh because until I met her, I always assumed the worst out of my biological mom. But Jackie was so far from what I expected.
Now I knew personal growth came from stepping out of my comfort zone. I’d done a lot outside of that comfort zone. Namely, my relationship with Peggy, which had turned out to be the most comfortable one I’d ever been in. How odd that something so far outside of my zone made me the most relaxed that I’d been in years. I’d always been a hot mess when it came to nerves and worrying about things, but Peggy calmed me in a way I thought could only come from prescribed medication.
Peggy told me I needed to be okay with this party, that Jackie loved me and wanted to show her friends how amazing I was. It sucked sometimes how right she was about things where I was concerned. She knew me so well in such a short amount of time. I didn’t think anyone would ever want to take the time to understand the way I ticked. She not only took the time, but she didn’t seem to be turned off by some of my eccentricities. It was so nice to be able to be myself for once. She never made me feel bad for my feelings or told me to calm down when I got excited or shushed me when I would get loud about something.
So, I settled down and let myself have a good time, which ended up being really easy.
Jackie’s friends were so cool, and seeing Mom happy and laughing was absolutely breathtaking. Almost all of Jackie’s friends had left except for Tabitha and Janice. They were out on the balcony now with Mom and Jackie. Peggy was all that was left out of the people I invited. Brock, Taylor, and Amanda left to go drink at the normal airport spot, and I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay with Peggy and never leave the safety of the condo.
I nauseated myself with how far gone I was.
“You’re so nervous about tomorrow, aren’t you?”
I looked over at Peggy. We were sitting on the floor in my room next to my bed, leaning against it. She looked so perfect. Her hair had beach wave curls in it, and she’d pulled half of it up into a barrette. Her makeup was light, and I could see the tiny freckles across her nose. She had recently changed her nose ring to a silver hoop, and I loved everything about it.
“I am very nervous,” I finally answered. I shrugged and sighed. “It’s not like I’ll win. But so many people will be there.” I was prepared for the day. My paintings were packed securely in transport bags that Mrs. Thorn loaned me. I’d picked out a simple red sundress to wear, with my checkerboard Vans, of course. I knew I’d keep my hair down, maybe curl it like Jackie did for the Rusty Nail. I was ready. For once, I was prepared and ready for my moment to shine.
“I think after the day is over, you’ll feel like a completely different person.”
“What do you mean?”
Peggy turned so she was facing me. She pulled me closer, and I slid easily on the tile floor. “You are so much stronger than you realize. All this will do is make you see how amazing you are.” She reached up and pushed my hair behind my ear. “You are going to take their breath away like you do to me.”
“I love you.” Holy shit. Did I say that out loud? Peggy’s face was so hard to read in the seconds that followed that I was thinking maybe I didn’t actually say it. “Pretend I didn’t say that.” I started to push away from her. So typical of me and my inability to actually deal with the consequences of actually having feelings.
Peggy placed her hands on my arms and steadied me. “Stop, Beth. Stop.”
“No, Peggy, it’s fine. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m nervous and scared about tomorrow. Emotions are running high. That’s all.”
“Stop,” she whispered. “Don’t take that away from me.”
“Take what away?”
“Your love.” She smiled. “I’ve been in love with you since the moment I first laid eyes on you. Sprinting after Myrtle, sand flying everywhere.”
I lunged at her. I legit lunged. My mouth covered hers, and I kissed her as if I was never going to be able to kiss her again. I wanted her so badly. I wanted her mouth and her hands and her heart for the rest of my life. How could I have been so young and thought I knew what I wanted for the rest of my life? Was that even possible?
“Beth,” Peggy whispered between kisses. “We can’t do this here. Your moms will kill us.”
She was so right. “Take me somewhere. Please. Take me somewhere. I need to feel you.”
“Okay.” She stood and helped me up from the floor. I followed her to the balcony. “We’re going to go for a drive. Is that okay?”
I watched my mom look at Jackie, Jackie’s gentle nod that it was okay, and then my mom’s smile. “That’s fine. Please be careful. Don’t be too late. You have to be up early tomorrow.”
“I know, Mom. I promise we won’t be,” I said as I squeezed Peggy’s hand before I said my good-byes to everyone.
I followed Peggy out of the condo and into the elevator. The minute the doors slid closed, she turned, pushed me up against the wall of the elevator car, and covered my mouth with hers. It was a searing kiss that lasted only about sixty seconds before the doors slid open at our destination, but it was so insanely hot. How was I supposed to handle myself with this girl?
“Where are you taking me?”
Peggy opened the door to her bug and grabbed a blanket out of the back seat. “The beach.”
I laughed. “Won’t we be seen?”
“No. I have the perfect spot. Come on,” she said as she held out her hand. “Let’s go make love.”
And that was when I completely melted into a giant puddle onto the asphalt.
* * *
SUSAN
The party was amazing. Jackie really knew how to throw a great get-together. And I really needed the distraction. Earlier in the day, I received the divorce papers in the mail. Finalized. Ready to sign. Which meant one thing: Steven would have received them, as well.
The thought of him ripping into that envelope and seeing what that contents were made my stomach tie into a knot. I had been doing so well not thinking about the consequences of a divorce from Steven. I was trying to focus on the benefits, not the things I’d be missing out on. I hate to say I was materialistic, but being married to a doctor was nice. I knew I’d get child support, and because Veronica was a bulldog in the courtroom, I also had an alimony clause. Only temporary, until Beth and I were back on our feet, but I knew Steven would flip. He’d fight the whole thing. I could already taste his anger, like blood and spit from a backhand to the mouth.
I swallowed once, twice, three times before the lump that lodged in my throat finally dissolved. A couple of deep breaths later and I was ready to mingle.
Hell, who was I kidding?
I am a wreck.
Pushing fifty. Almost divorced. Barren. Had to adopt to find the fulfillment I so desperately craved. Fell in love with a woman.
A woman…
I found Jackie as she flitted around the room from person to person, checking in with them, bottle of chardonnay in hand, refilling glasses and playing the role of hostess perfectly. Of course I was destined to fall in love with her. She was so magnificent. Everything about her. Especially the way she loved me.