by CJ Thomas
I lifted my head and turned to the street, allowing a motorcycle to whiz past before I continued.
“That I still feel that way, even with you deciding to give up on me.” My eyes swelled as I choked on my own self-loathing. “My heart still longs for your love.”
My fingers opened and I dropped the orchid flowers over her gravestone. They floated with grace as gravity pulled them down to earth.
“Tell me what to do, Nora. Give me a sign,” I muttered as I reached inside my pocket to allow my fingers to curl around the handle of my gun. “You know about Kendra. I know you do.” I tipped my head back and laughed. “You know how bad I have it for her.”
A light breeze made the leaves on the trees dance just as a song bird flew over.
Taking in a deep breath, I said, “Tell me, my love—” my index finger curled around the trigger, “—should I stay or should I go?”
More tears fell and my free hand started to shake.
Everything slowed to a crawl as I pulled the gun out of my pocket and slowly angled it at my head.
My world spun and my heart thrashed between my ears.
Sweat dripped down my back as the flood down my cheeks intensified.
Staring down the barrel I cried, “We can all be together. Just the three of us. Together again.”
My brows furrowed and my nostrils flared.
I sobbed as I willed my finger to squeeze the trigger.
Primal sounds escaped my body as my eyes drowned in their agony.
The moment my muscles flexed, I dropped the gun away and tipped my head back, pleading with God. “Fuck you! This is all your fault. My life wasn’t supposed to be like this!” I screamed as I fell to my knees and let my head come to rest on Nora’s gravestone. “God, I miss both of you.” I kissed the cold rock.
I wailed into the rock until my tears ran dry. I needed an answer to what to do next. I wanted Nora to be the one to give it to me. “I really like her, Nora. She’s strong. Doesn’t take shit from anyone. Just like you.” My face filled with a smile. “And it’s getting serious between us. I need to decide.”
Pushing myself back on my knees and sitting on my heels, I plucked an orchid flower off the ground and stroked the petals between my fingers.
“Nora, please, I need you to guide me in making my decision. I can only do this with you. Everything I do, I still do it for you. I can’t do this without you. You know this. I’m broken without you.”
My eyelids fluttered closed. And as I sat there listening, hoping Nora would respond. I found myself smiling. Warmth filled my chest with optimism. Suddenly, my shoulders felt lighter. I could breathe easier and when I heard a light flutter nearby, I opened my eyes to find a bird landing next to me.
The bird hopped around before touching an orchid flower with its beak. Then it angled its head to me and we shared a look of amazement. “Thank you,” I whispered.
As soon as the words were spoken, the bird flew away.
Standing, I knew that that was Nora—her way of telling me that I must carry on without her. A minute later I was back in my car staring at my ringing cell phone, collecting my emotions. “Hey, Giselle.” I cleared my throat. “What’s up?”
“You need to get back to the office. And quick.”
I wiped my eyes and face with my hand. “What’s going on?”
“It’s about Mario. He’s ready to talk.”
37
Kendra
As soon as I heard the knock I opened the door to find Alex waiting on the other side.
She immediately saw the anguish tearing me apart inside. It was written all over my face and I broke down crying. “Kelly left me. He left me, Alex.” I couldn’t hold back. She needed to know. It was the reason I’d called her in the first place.
Frowning, she took me in her arms and pulled my head down to her shoulder. My eyes puffed up and swelled as I broke down, sobbing. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I told him the truth when I shouldn’t have. The truth always gets me in trouble.” I blubbered on and on in an incoherent jumbled mess that even I could hardly understand.
“Slow down, baby girl.” Alex took me by my shoulders and pushed herself away so she could see my eyes. “What happened?”
Her dazzling eyes darted over my face for a second before they lifted, glancing over my shoulder. “Is he here?”
I shook my head. I knew what she was thinking. Why would I go back to his penthouse after he told me to get out of his life? But, technically, this was where I thought he would want me to go. “I had nowhere else to go.” I sniffed away the tears.
Taking her by the hand, I pulled her inside.
“Can I make you some tea?” Alex offered. “Assuming he has tea.”
She gave me a skeptical look and I nodded, pointing toward the kitchen cabinets to the left of the fridge.
“God, this place is amazing,” Alex murmured as she took it all in. “Although having to go through a hotel lobby every time you come home is kinda weird.”
I was still shell-shocked from what happened. I knew that I should be nodding or adding to the conversation by saying everything that came to mind. But I couldn’t. My mind was zoning and my body was numb. It felt like I was living in a dream—an alternate reality, one in which I didn’t even recognize myself.
Alex found a box of herbal tea and set it on the counter before filling the kettle. “I can’t believe he wants you to stay here with him.” She turned to look over her shoulder. “I mean, he did want you to stay with him.” Her voice dropped to an insecure whisper as she broke eye contact and turned on the water.
My feet rooted to the floor. I hadn’t moved.
I had called Alex here because she had the car—the means to get here quick—and I didn’t have it in me to fight my way across the city through public transportation or even hailing a lift. Despite what Kelly did, a part of me still hoped that he wanted me here, waiting for him to return.
I blinked and when my lids opened again, Alex had moved to the bouquet of flowers Kelly had placed in a gorgeous vase on the island kitchen counter. “These are beautiful. Are these the ones he got you?”
The lump in my throat—the same one that was left over from my conversation with Kelly—grew, cutting off more of the air filling my lungs. She was right. They were beautiful. Orchids, lilies, a variety of others that brought color to the modern room. And despite their pleasant aroma, I didn’t want to think of the reason Kelly had them there.
Turning my back on Alex, it was too painful to think of Kelly. I hated being inside his home where everything reminded me of all that I might lose.
I dropped onto the couch and hugged my knees to my chest, regretting having told Kelly anything. Dropping my forehead to the top of my knee, I realized that I should have taken my chances with telling him what the Madam and I were actually talking about. At least then he could be mad at her instead of at me.
A minute later I felt the cushion next to me sink under Alex’s weight. The smells of peppermint tea filled the air and when I lifted my head, she handed me a steaming mug.
Taking a small, hot sip, Alex set her mug down and couldn’t stop feeling the soft leather couch. “I love this couch.” Her gaze traveled the living room. “It’s all so beautiful,” she said.
It was beautiful and luxurious. But it was also Kelly’s. Half of the reason my belly was still tied in a tight knot was because he was here even when he wasn’t.
“Now, tell me what happened.” Alex bent one leg and sat on its calf, letting her other leg fall over the side. She picked up her tea and rested it on her thigh as she fixed her gaze on me.
I glanced at her, wondering where I should begin. And then, before I knew it, I was telling her everything that had happened.
Her brows squished when I told her how I thought Kelly was fed up with my antics, enough to bring me to the Madam. “I thought he was there to dump me.”
“But if he didn’t, then why did he bring you there?”
My s
houlders shrugged. “I don’t know. But Madam needed to discuss some things with me so maybe he knew that. She’d called me, after all.”
“So, back up one second.” Alex wrapped her lips around her mug and stole a sip. “But he did break up with you?”
I wasn’t sure. “He left me,” I said, still in denial of what had happened.
When Alex gave me a questioning look, I told her how Kelly and I got in an argument over what he discussed with the Madam and how he demanded he know what the Madam discussed with me. “But I can’t tell him about the deliveries,” I said to Alex.
She lowered her mug and let out a heavy sigh. “Because that’s between you and the Madam.”
I nodded. “And I know he won’t like me doing it.”
“So he broke up with you because you wouldn’t tell him?” The wrinkles on her forehead twisted.
My words tried to keep up with my thoughts as I was talking a million miles per minute. Alex kept nodding, keeping an attentive ear on the details as I told her about my theory on how Madam knew much more about my past than I’d originally thought. “Including something that you don’t even know,” I said, flicking my gaze to hers.
Alex’s eyes popped open.
Running my fingers through my hair, I angled my shoulders to her and said, “I wasn’t completely honest with you about who my uncle was.”
“Okay.” She dragged out the word as if she wasn’t sure she was ready to hear what I was about to drop on her. But it was important she knew.
My tongue moved over my bottom lip. “You know how I’ve been thinking I’ve been seeing my rapist?”
Her head nodded once.
I swallowed back a small sip of my tea to relieve the parched feeling I was experiencing. “It’s because I have.”
Her lips parted and her brows knitted. “Your uncle?”
Fear rattled my insides, knowing that if I didn’t tell her this now—come clean to her about everything—that this would be the one thing that might eventually push her away, too. She was a much better friend then I was, and I couldn’t lose both her and Kelly in the same night and over the same demon from my past. A chill worked its way over me as I nodded.
Alex turned her head, blinking, before touching her head. “If you knew, Kendra, why did you agree to meet with him?”
Looking away, I knew how it seemed. “He’s family.”
“I get that. But if he did those things to you…” Her voice trailed off.
“He’s an old man now.”
“Who gives a shit?”
I dropped my feet to the floor and set my mug on the coffee table. “Deep inside I want to believe that he is sorry for what he did. I want to believe that he’s changed and that he’s here because he wants to make things right.” I paused.
“But?”
I turned and fixed my eyes on Alex. “But no matter how hard I try to forgive and forget, every time I look him in his eyes,” my gaze dropped to my knees as my voice lowered, “I just want to kill him.”
“Oh, hun.” Alex set her mug down and wrapped her arms around me. “And you mentioned all this to Kelly?”
With my cheek against her shoulder, I nodded. “I also told him that he was the one to trigger the flashbacks.”
Her cheek hit the crown of my head and she squeezed her arms around me tighter. “This isn’t good.”
“I don’t know what to do.” There were no more tears to shed. I was dry. Just hollow, like I’d lost part of my soul today.
“First thing you have to do,” she unwrapped her arms from around me and stood, “is get your butt out of his place and over to mine.”
Looking into her eyes, I knew that she was right. No matter how much I wanted to stay and wait to talk to Kelly, deciding to stay here was a bad idea. Alex’s place was the better—safer—option.
Together, we had my things packed in no time, and as soon as I zipped up my suitcase I said, “I’m ready.”
Alex took a step forward and hugged me. “Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.”
“I know,” I murmured as we marched to the front door. Reaching out to turn the knob, the door swung open just as a slender wrist caught my focus. The balled hand about to knock on the door lowered to a waist. I couldn’t believe who was standing there on the other side.
38
Kelly
I stared out the passenger window with a pinched expression.
That same song bird’s tune from last night played inside my head on repeat and I couldn’t deny the clear sign that it was. I had little doubt it was Nora’s way of speaking to me.
She was there.
She was listening.
I knew it was her. She wanted me to fight. Not only to survive, but thrive.
The street lights flickered as we passed beneath them.
For too long I’d lived in self-pity. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, that was the cold, hard truth. It was time to stand up and move on. Time to allow myself to open up, to learn to fully trust, and most importantly to learn to love again.
And love with the same intensity as I loved Nora.
We hit a bump and my eyes popped open.
Feelings of regret stirred inside me and there was little doubt in my mind that if I could go back in time, I would do things differently. It was those lessons I needed to remember if I was ever going to find my way to seeing the light once again.
“Hey, you all right?” Colin glanced over at me from behind the wheel.
“Yeah.” I dropped my hand away from my face and quickly glanced in his direction before fixing my eyes on the road ahead. “Just thinking about the case.”
“I’m sure Mario has come to his senses,” Giselle’s voice said from behind me.
Colin nodded.
“Why else would he request to speak with all three of us? And so urgently?” Giselle continued sharing her thoughts.
Glancing at the clock, I knew that we were calling it close. Visiting hours were nearly done for the day yet here we were, trying our best to see what news Mario desperately wanted to share. And when I should have been concentrating more on him, my mind drifted back to Kendra.
My nose was runny and my eyes gritty.
I didn’t know where my relationship with Kendra would go from here. All I knew was what I saw—heard—when visiting Nora’s grave. Kendra had to be my priority. I had to have her in my life.
My stomach rolled and I deeply regretted yelling at her to get out. I should have never gotten so angry with her over something she had no control over. A part of me hoped that she knew me well enough to find refuge inside my apartment, waiting for me to come back, trusting I eventually would. But I couldn’t blame her if she didn’t. Not with the way I’d directed my anger at her—like she was at fault for what happened.
Pulling out my cell from the inside of my suit jacket pocket, I knew we were a minute out from arriving. Scrolling through my list of contacts, I quickly found her name and I debated whether or not to press the call button or send her a quick text. I needed to hear her voice—know that she was all right. But instead I sighed and tucked it back away.
“Look, we’ll set Mario straight,” Colin said to me. “He has to know his options are slim.”
Nodding, I struggled to decide whether or not I should share what I knew the Madam had done when placing a call to Oscar. Giselle and Colin deserved to know but, in the end, I decided to let it go, choosing to first hear what Mario had to say.
The Madam’s call to the DA still didn’t sit well with me and perhaps that was another reason I was quietly stuck inside my head. “I know we will,” I muttered.
Giselle let her hand fall to my shoulder. Her fingers gently squeezed and my lips tugged at the corners. It was like she knew the battle I was fighting inside my head—knew the kind of day I’d had.
Crossing my arm over my chest, I patted her hand with mine.
She was putting in another excruciatingly long day and it wasn’t going without notice. I still
didn’t like how she was putting more energy into Mario’s case than working on her personal relationship. But I couldn’t say anything because I was, too.
We arrived at County and as a wolf pack of three, we made our way through security, leaving all our electronics at the door. I was happy to see Mario already waiting in the visitor room, knowing that this meeting would be cut short due to running out of time.
“Nice to see you actually showed up this time,” I said as we entered.
Mario looked less than amused as he looked me over.
“I suppose you should start this meeting, seeing as you’re the one who called all of us in.” I followed Colin’s and Giselle’s lead at taking a seat around the chrome metal table.
Mario’s eyes squinted as he rubbed the stubble on his face.
“Okay, since you’re not in the mood, I guess I’ll go ahead and get us started.” Not wanting to waste any more of our time I began, “This is your new lawyer, Colin Cobbs.”
Mario folded his arms over his chest and angled his head to the side.
“He’s the one who will ensure you walk free.” I paused to gauge Mario’s reaction. There was still nothing. “This isn’t a game. Your time is close to up.”
Colin leaned forward. “The case the DA is building against you isn’t good.” Slowly, Mario’s squinted eyes turned to Colin. “Would you like to hear just a taste of what image they’ll paint for the jury?”
Mario’s tongue slid across his top teeth as he looked away.
“I’ll tell you anyway.” Colin lowered his eyeglasses. “They will argue that a sex-crazed immigrant lunatic was terrorizing innocent women’s lives and Maria Greer was the unlucky one among dozens who just happened to be murdered at the hands of Mario Jimenez.” He threw down image after image of domestic violence photos. Pictures of battered women’s faces, all puffed up and swollen, soon filled the entire table. “And they’ll connect you to all these unsolved cases.”
“Mario,” I said, leaning forward. “You have two options. Allow Mr. Cobbs to represent you—where he’ll put together a foolproof strategy that will cast doubt in the eyes of your peers and counter the facts the DA’s office is relentlessly building against you—”