My Paper Heart

by Vernon, Magan

  I just looked at him. It was like my eyes were just staring through him. Did he not hear me? I thought I was pretty loud. I kept pondering if I should say it again, or even ask him about it.

  I shifted my body weight so that I was laying my head on his shoulder. He ran a free hand through my hair. I thought maybe he was waiting for his right moment too.

  He opened his mouth then shut it again. We were silent for what seemed like forever, and then he reached his hand out and pointed upwards.

  "Those stars kind of look like the big dipper."

  "Yeah." I nodded, trying to blink the tears back.

  Chapter 21

  It had been a while since I had blurted out that I loved Blaine, and still he had said nothing about it. We were supposed to be leaving for Chicago together in about a week and I didn't know if I could do it. It had been like I was walking on eggshells all week.

  Every time I would see him, it was hard for me not to scream, why don't you love me? It wasn't the easiest subject to just bring up to someone either. It wasn't like I could just walk up to him and say 'Hey Blaine, remember when you were going down on me and I said I love you?' Yeah that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

  The worst part about it, was that I felt like I had no one to talk to about it. Kristi was busy with her wedding, and besides Brittany, the only other real friend I had, in town, was Blaine.

  I didn't want to look through search engines for answers or try and watch sappy love stories. Which trust me does not always work like you think it will. I just wanted the answer right there and now, so I turned to an unlikely source.

  I was sitting at my desk, so I could still see Dina standing at the counter and checking her email. It wasn't like we talked too much on a normal basis. One would think since we had that talk weeks ago about Blaine that things would change. But we didn't really say much to each other unless she was asking about the budget, or telling me about some new thing she appraised.

  This wasn't going to be easy. For a while I just sat there and stared at her. I couldn't believe that I was actually desperate enough to want to ask Dina for advice. But she seemed to know what she was talking about, and she must have loved Jackson (ignoring her infidelity of course).

  With Beau, love was never a problem. I knew that I didn’t love him and I think he knew he didn't love me as well. He would always say Love ya babe, but it was more of a term of endearment than anything. It meant nothing more than him saying 'Can you hand me another beer' or 'thank you.' I didn't want Blaine to think that's all it was when I said I loved him. It wasn't like a stupid crush or whatever Beau and I were. And now the problem was how to tell him…again…

  "Hey Dina." I absently waved a hand as I stood in front of the counter

  Dina recently decided to try contacts and would blink constantly, like a bird in flight, when she talked.

  "Um." Blink, blink, blink. "Hi." Blink, blink, blink.

  "Yeah." I bit down on my bottom lip shifting from one foot to the other. "I was just wondering if you had lunch plans."

  "Don't you usually go off somewhere with Blaine for lunch?" She tapped a press-on nail clad fingertip against her teeth.

  Maybe lunch wasn't such a good idea. I forgot how much she touches her lips and teeth. No, I had to be strong. This dilemma was killing me and I had to talk to someone about it.

  "No, he actually has to work on the other side of the Parrish today, so he told me to just go get lunch without him."

  Not a complete lie. He was working on the other side of the Parrish, but I actually texted him and said I was busy for lunch. He suspected nothing, oddly.

  "So, yeah, how about pizza down the street at the bowling alley?" I shot a very weak smile.

  She exhaled deeply. "Alright. I guess I've got nothing else to do for lunch."

  She stood up. Her outfit was more hideous than usual. She had on a green khaki shirt dress, that showed way more cleavage that was appropriate for the office, and she was rather curvy. I wasn't even going to guess her bra size, but it was definitely a lot more than my barely B's. She also decided since it was summer, that it was still okay to pair some nude stockings with the dress, and hey stockings go great with open-toed gold sandals. She was pretty much a walking mess. But I was going to be nice. I knew that what I wore for band in high school wasn't exactly appealing, and if I was looking for advice, I couldn't be judgmental.

  The bowling alley was a block away. It was nothing special. They had six lanes and it was upstairs from the post office. It was built in the 1950s and completely decorated in flamingo pink and mint green. The first time Blaine took me there I thought it was some sort of a joke, but it was definitely very real.

  There was a small snack area that contained a pretty decent sized bar with a few pink tables and booths around it. For being a bowling alley it had pretty good pizza. And since Blaine worked there all through high school, he knew all the best places to sneak away to fool around. It may or may not have been a good thing that Dina and I were at the bowling alley for lunch.

  "Is this where you always eat lunch?" Dina questioned as we started up the steps.

  "No, but I find it to be a really cool place in a quirky sort of way." I was jabbering away nervously. "And besides, they have really good pizza and cheese fries."

  She shrugged as we got to the top of the stairs. "If you say so."

  Dina looked almost bored with me. She had already yawned and checked her cell phone about a dozen times since we left the office.

  "Um, shall we order and then go grab a booth?" I pointed toward a corner booth near a really nostalgic-looking mint green juke box.

  "Whatever." She shrugged again.

  I was hoping the rest of our lunch would be a little bit more productive as I walked over to the counter.

  I recognized the boy behind the counter, he couldn't have been more than sixteen and looked like one of the before pictures in a zit cream ad. I always caught him staring at me, and I think his voice squeaked even more when I came into the bowling alley.

  "Hey Libby, is Blaine here?" He squeaked while looking behind me.

  "No, just me and Dina today for lunch." I smiled, pointing my shoulders in the direction of Dina, who had simultaneously slid in beside me at the bar.

  The boy behind the counter couldn't hide his smile as he grinned bigger than a Cheshire cat. "Oh, alright. Well, what can I get for you?"

  Small towns: everyone seems to know who you are, where you live, and your pet's name.

  "Um, well I am going to do the personal cheese pizza and a Diet Coke." I beamed. Maybe he'd give it to me free if I smiled enough at him.

  "I'll have a catfish po'boy and a Mountain Dew." Dina said, still looking down, which didn't really matter because the boy didn't even take his eyes off of me.

  "Alright I'll get that right up for you, Libby." His eyes didn't shift with that same goofy grin on his face.

  "Okay." I nodded, trying to still force a smile and a small wave as Dina and I headed over to a booth.

  "You know we haven't really, um, talked much lately." I tapped my fingers against the table. I was grasping at straws trying to think of what to say.

  "It's true." She started blinking again furiously.

  "Here are your drinks." The pimple-faced guy from the counter came over, almost tripping over his on feet while he slid the drinks onto our table. He still couldn't hide that grin. I was thinking that Blaine and I never got our drinks brought to us.

  "Thanks Tripp." Dina sighed, still not looking up.

  Tripp was still looking right at me. I flashed a weak smile. "Yeah, thanks."

  "No problem, Libby. Your food will be right up!" He beamed and almost slipped again as he headed back to the bar.

  "Well that was weird." I forced an awkward laugh.

  "I'm sure you get that all the time." Dina mumbled before taking a big swig of her Mountain Dew.

  "Not really." I took a sip of what I thought was Diet Coke, but was definitely Pepsi. It wasn't that
I minded it, but someone should have told me.

  "Actually, I don't."

  She rolled her eyes. "Please Libby, ever since you came to town I think every boy has had a permanent hard-on."

  Ouch, that was harsh. I thought Dina and I had some kind of kinship after our talk about Blaine and after she opened up to me about her past relationship. I guess I was wrong about that one.

  "Well I don't think I'm going to be leaving Blaine for the bowling alley boy anytime soon. Of course he might leave me for the gutter ball girl, but that's up to him." I took a big gulp of my drink.

  "What do you mean?" Dina finally looked up.

  I couldn't hold it in anymore. It was like letting a huge weight off my shoulders. I spilled everything from being the ugly duckling in high school, Beau picking me out in a crowd at a fraternity party, my struggle with college, and meeting Blaine. By the time I wanted to get to my latest debacle with the 'L' word, Tripp had brought out our food.

  I think Dina was happy for a break, the way her eyes actually didn't blink for about ten minutes straight, said it all. I was just happy that the bowling alley wasn't too busy and the whole town didn't hear my whole life story.

  When Tripp left, after about a minute of gawking, I continued.

  "I asked you to lunch because I didn't know who else to turn to. I told Blaine that I loved him."

  Dina almost choked on her sandwich. She quickly excused herself and wiped her mouth. "And? So now you're in love? Are you asking me if I can help him pick out a ring? I don't think you'd like my taste in jewelry."

  "He actually didn't say it back." I took a quick bite of my pizza, muttering as I spoke.

  "HE WHAT?"

  Almost everybody, about all six people, at the bowling alley stared our way.

  "Dina," I whispered.

  Everyone quickly went back to what they were doing, pretending like they didn't hear us.

  "Sorry Libby." She whispered, taking a quick drink. "But did I hear you right? You told him you loved him and he didn't say it back? "

  I nodded.

  "Well, what did he say?"

  "Nothing." I took another bite of pizza and spoke with my mouth still half full, covering my mouth with my hand as I chewed that last bite.

  "I mean, this is probably too much info, but it was during oral sex and I'm thinking maybe he just thought it was a reflex or something."

  "Honey." She grabbed my hand. "No time a woman ever says 'I love you,' is it a reflex."

  "I know." I took a deep breath. "But I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It's been out there for a while and he hasn't said anything!"

  "Hmmm." Dina took another bite of her sandwich. "That is a tough one." She said it with a mouthful.

  "I know! That's why I am sitting here with you, at the bowling alley, and asking you what I should do."

  "Well honey." She took a sip of her drink, clearing her throat. "I don't think I am the best one to be asking advice about love. You know my wrangling with it."

  "I know Dina." I took another quick bite of pizza. "And that's one of the reasons I came to you. You had to have told Jackson you loved him at some point, and it had to have been reciprocated."

  "That was a long time ago." She took a bite of her sandwich.

  "Yeah, but I know you remember it. How did you tell him you loved him?" I leaned in closer.

  "He actually said it first." A small smile crossed her lips.

  "We started dating when I moved back into town. I was always a small town girl. I knew I would move back to Elsbury as soon as I graduated. Got a job at the antique shop and thought my life was set. Then out of the blue Jackson and I started talking. We were actually in a bowling league here that first summer I was back."

  Dina nodded her head toward the lane before taking another sip of her drink.

  "Anyway, after about the second night of bowling he asked me out on our first date and then we were inseparable. Like peanut butter and jelly," she mused.

  "I do remember the first time I told him I loved him." Her eyes met mine, for what seemed like the first time all day.

  "Really?" I almost choked on a mouthful of pizza.

  "Yup." She nodded. "We were out on a Sunday morning, very early, fishing. It was about six a.m. and we had just rowed out. I was baiting my line when he just looked at me smiling. He then told me that he loves a girl that baits her own reel. I smiled, you know, thinking nothing of it. Then when I caught that first fish it was when he said that he loved me. Of course, I said it back right away, not knowing it would last another two and a half years and an almost engagement."

  She looked down at that last part. That smile quickly escaped her face as she hastily stuffed it with her sandwich.

  "I wish Blaine could have just said it first," I muttered taking a big bite of pizza.

  "I'm sure it's not easy for him to say it, honey. He can act like the big, strong guy in his big truck all he wants, but you know Blaine. He's just a big softy and he does things when he wants." She nodded taking a bite of her sandwich.

  "I mean, I guess you're right." I took a sip of my soda. "I mean, we didn't sleep together until he wanted to. Maybe he's just waiting for the right time to say it back. But don't you think he would have done something by now? It’s been like a week."

  Dina took a hard swallow of her sandwich. "Well then maybe you should just say it again and see what he does? You know get that whole romantic setting going and then see what he does. No orgasms scream, just say it, right to his face. You know, look him the eye." She pointed at me as she said eye.

  I nodded. "You know you're right. That's what I gotta do." I smiled, leaning back in my seat. "You're so smart Dina."

  "I know." She laughed and I joined her. It was the first time I had actually laughed in a while, and I knew that I was going to do it. I was just going to get the balls and tell Blaine that I loved him…again…

  Chapter 22

  It was a Sunday, we were leaving for Chicago the next morning. Blaine's parents didn't mind that he missed church that morning when I came to help him pack, or distract him.

  "Now baby, how am I supposed to concentrate on what to pack when you are lying on the bed like that?"

  Blaine was on the floor in front of his bed, kneeling down at an old black suitcase. It was simple enough to pack as a guy: t-shirts, underwear, and socks. But somehow we convinced his parents it was important that I was there to help him finish packing. I was laying on his bed, flat on my stomach, my freshly-shaven legs dangling in the air.

  I wouldn't say I was in the best shape, but the Louisiana sun had tanned my legs beautifully, making them a nice golden shade. Since I hadn't been, well, praying to the porcelain god, the color was definitely back in my cheeks.

  "I'm just trying to direct you how to pack." I smiled, pointing a freshly manicured nail toward his suitcase.

  "No." He leaned in placing a light kiss on my lips. "You are being a distraction."

  "Is that a bad thing?" I pouted out my bottom lip.

  "Well." He slowly stood up, making his way over to the bed. "I think you’re the best damn distraction I ever had."

  I pulled him down on top of me, and before we knew it, we were naked, entangled in each other. I was thinking this had to be some sort of a sin, sex while we should have been at church. But after the first orgasm, that was the farthest thing from my mind.

  He finished quickly, but stayed there hovering over me. The sweat beaded on his forehead and he never took his eyes off of me. He rested on his elbows, leaning back.

  I knew this was my chance. I looked into his eyes and ran my fingers through his hair.

  "I love you."

  There was no way he could deny it, or pretend like he didn't hear me. He was looking right back at me. Hell, he was still in me.

  And yet he said nothing. He just pulled out of me and stood up, turning his back to me while he pulled off the condom, tossing it into the trash near his bed.

  "Um?" I sat up, and patted him on the shoul
der. "Do orgasms make you deaf? Or did you just not hear me?"

  "No, I heard you." His back was still to me while he grabbed his boxers and shorts, sliding them on.

  "And yet, you have nothing to say?" I was still completely naked, rising from the bed and putting my hands to my hips.

  "Baby..." He exhaled deeply and put his shirt on, finally turning toward me.

  "Baby what?" I stomped to the end of the bed, snatching my panties and shorts. "I've told you that I love you twice, and you have just said nothing!"

  My fingers fumbled as I tried to put my bottoms on. I was starting to get angry and my mind was not working with my fingers.

  He sighed and slowly stepped toward me. "Libby…"

  I stepped back when I finally got my shorts buttoned. It was hard to argue standing there shirtless, so I crossed my arms over my chest.

  "Libby what? Let me hear what you got to say for yourself!"

  He sighed again, covering his face with his hands. He was became a pro at the sighing thing. "That's not just a word I want to throw around, Libby."

  "So if you tell me you love me it's just throwing a word around? You don't mean it?" I put my hands back on my hips, taking a step toward him.

  The truth was that I loved Blaine, no matter how much he made me mad. Even at that exact moment, I was still crazy about him. I loved the way he stared me down with those big blue eyes, every time I saw him, especially all of his sun tanned body, I couldn't help but smile. It hurt more than anything that this person, that I had so many feelings for, couldn’t say anything back.

  He put his hands up and out in front of him. "Whoa, that's not what I am saying, Libby."

  "Then what are you saying, Blaine?" I was trying to fight back tears and I slid on my tank top.

  "Libby." He tried to grab my hand, but I pulled away. "You know I care about you, hell I wouldn't be going to Chicago with you if I didn't. I wouldn't have given up smoking, or took every lunch hour I had, to be with you."

  I stopped fiddling with my shirt and looked straight at him. For once his steel blue eyes didn't scare me or entice me, and I just looked right through them.