My Paper Heart

by Vernon, Magan

  "Blaine." I started slowly getting off of my bed and headed out toward the balcony.

  I looked up at the stars. It was the same stars I had looked at the first time I told Blaine that I loved him, and my feelings still hadn't changed.

  "I may be angry. I may be hurt. But, undeniably I am still in love."

  Chapter 25

  It was the night of Kristi's rehearsal. I hadn't heard from Blaine since our phone call two nights before. But I was trying to put that behind me. Truth is, even though Blaine wasn't calling, Beau was blowing up my phone with texts and phone calls.

  He was the last person I wanted to see, but I knew that he was one of Gabe's groomsmen and I was pretty sure that we were going to be walking together in the wedding.

  I wished I could have just worn jeans and a t-shirt to show Beau that I wasn't there to impress him. But I wouldn't do that to Kristi. I also wasn't fitting very well into my jeans, so I settled for a bohemian style maxi dress and let my hair just fall into its natural wave. I knew the other bridesmaids would be going all out in their designer dresses, but at this point I really didn't care what they thought.

  The rehearsal was back at the resort, so I drove my little sports car there. It was like a whole new world filled with Bentleys and Jaguars. I would have given anything just to turn my car around and head south, toward Louisiana. Just go right back to how things were, spending my days at work and nights with Blaine.

  But I was a big girl. It was time to put on my big girl panties and face the likes of spoiled rich girls, and worst of all my ex-boyfriend.

  Luckily this time I wasn't late, but there weren't too many people there yet. The wedding was taking place on the beach. I could feel the lake breeze greet me as I walked to the back of the resort. Kristi was in full bridezilla mode at that point. Her nostrils were flared and she was pointing at some poor staff member. I made my way toward where the other bridesmaids were standing and whispered to Lacey.

  "What's going on?"

  She smiled and leaned in toward me, not taking her eyes off of Kristi.

  "Someone got the wrong shade of white for the aisle runner." Her breath already smelled of vodka. It looked like the party had started early.

  I was shocked when Kristi decided to get married on the beach. She was the most put together person I had ever met and I could not imagine her with sand between her toes. But I guess that's why the aisle runner was so important. No sand for the toes.

  Lacey looked back at me, her green eyes scanning me. She was very petite, probably about five foot three, so it took her a while to scan all of me. She took a sip of her drink and then twirled a strand of her auburn hair, smirking.

  "Cute dress, who is it by?"

  "Um." I bit my bottom lip, scratching at the back of my neck. "I don't know, whatever Wal-Mart brand is?"

  She almost dropped her glass while the rest of the bridal party stared at me.

  Lacey's mouth was still open when another girl piped in. "You actually bought a dress at Wal-Mart and are wearing it?"

  I shrugged. "Yeah, it's cute."

  Lacey rolled her eyes and whispered something in the other girl's ear. They giggled just as a group of the groomsmen rambled on about something stupid. Of course one of them was Beau.

  If one were to Google stereotypical fraternity boy in the dictionary, more than likely they would find Beau's picture. He wasn't very tall, in fact, in flip flops we were the same height. He had the usual frosted tips and his hair was styled into a faux-hawk. He tanned regularly and didn't see a problem with it. He said it made his teeth look whiter.

  He headed straight for me. I was almost knocked out by his cologne. It smelled like he had dumped the whole bottle on himself.

  "Hey, Libby."

  I didn't look up to see his dimpled grin. Instead I just focused on his tribal tattoo snaking around his bicep that poked out of the bottom of his pink polo shirt.

  "Uh, hey Beau."

  I tried to look for someone else to talk to, but it looked like the other bridesmaids were busy whispering and flirting with the groomsmen. Not that they cared that I was there anyways. I felt like I was in high school all over again. The outcast for being tall and blonde.

  Mom used to always tell me it was because the other girls were jealous. I'm pretty sure they weren't jealous that I could spike a volleyball over their boyfriend's head in gym class.

  "I guess we are walking down together. But don't get the wrong impression and all. I don't want your boyfriend to come at me with a pitchfork or something." He laughed obnoxiously, obviously thinking he was hilarious.

  I rolled my eyes. I had a feeling that was supposed to be some kind of southern hillbilly joke. My arms were crossed over my chest and I tried to turn away as much as possible. I hoped he would get it through his head that my body language was telling him that I didn't want to talk. No such luck.

  "Where is ol' Billy Bob or whatever anyways? I think I should be talking with the guy that's nailing my ex-girlfriend." He smiled that smug smile.

  "He's not here." Lacey beamed. "So you can have her all to yourself." She pursed her lips together. Obviously something had gone down with Beau and Lacey, other than what I knew about. Unfortunately I just wasn't sure what.

  "Alright, places everyone!"

  A hefty gray-haired woman in a large pink muumuu clasped her hands together and pointed every which way. Sweat was already plastered on her forehead, but I think anyone would have that after dealing with a bridezilla.

  Unfortunately, I was walking down the aisle with Beau. So he tried to give me his arm as we walked toward our space in line. I pretended like I didn't see it.

  "So where is he, Libby?" Beau whispered while we waited our turn behind five other people.

  The sweat was visibly dripping off of the muumuu-clad woman's forehead as she tried to point in every which way, guiding people to walk, as well as telling everyone else around her where things were supposed to go. I honestly felt sorry for her. Everyone else laughed at her expense, even the bridal party.

  "I wonder if her, and Libby wear the same size Wal-Mart muumuu." I heard one of the other bridesmaids whisper.

  Ouch, I know I had gained some weight over the summer, but really were these girls always this mean?

  Then I remembered, yes, yes they were. It brought me back to my pledging days. Yes, they out ranked me, but was using the Sharpie really necessary? And having Lacey hand it to Beau of all people to use to trace my flaws.

  I can remember asking questions about taking leadership roles. When I first started rush, I was told that I had the potential to be an executive board member. I remember even Kristi herself told me that I could be the next Kappa president. Then after I accepted my bid, and started the pledge process and it was like everything had changed. At first it was great, going to fraternity parties, and slumber parties in the common room. That was the fun stuff. But then that all changed.

  Girls yelling during Chapter that everyone wasn't stepping up with their study hours. Having Nationals come and bust the house for alcohol. The house was supposed to be dry, but after they find twenty-four bottles of hard liquor and five cases of beer, it seemed like the house wasn’t so dry.

  And of course, it was the pledges and new members that took on the brunt of this grief. Even though the long established members were the ones living in the house who had brought the alcohol, we had to suffer. Our study hours were increased, we had to attend different seminars, everything that the older members should have been doing, but if they had most of the new pledge class go, then they wouldn't have to.

  It was all of these things that for some reason, had just slipped my mind. Being the reserved person I just ignored it and let it shrug off my shoulders. But I didn't feel like being that Libby anymore.

  I turned my head sharply toward Beau's direction and smirked.

  "No, my boyfriend is not here at the moment, but if he was he would tell your STD-ridden ass to leave me alone." I nodded my head in Lacey's dir
ection, not taking my eyes off of Beau. "And tell Lacey she should maybe double up on the herpes meds. I think you can see her sores from across Lake Michigan."

  Beau looked down, not wanting to meet the fire in my eyes. The rest of the group kept quite as well. I heard someone mutter bitch, but that was the end of it.

  This was not the same pushover Libby Gentry.

  The rest of the night I was made an outcast by the bridal party. Beau couldn't even look at me as we walked down the aisle. Anytime I made a sound everyone turned the other way, and it usually was followed by more whispering.

  I was just lucky that my sister agreed to be my date for the rehearsal dinner. I hoped I'd at least have someone to talk to. Then I forgot that my sister was a Kappa, so that idea was kind of thrown all out the window.

  "Oh em gee, it's Beth! I didn't know you were coming!" Kristi shrieked from across the restaurant.

  Every single person stared at us. Which is pretty easy to do in a traditional Italian restaurant since it’s not very big and it was windowless and subdued with colors of crimson and black that surrounded us everywhere. We had a back room to ourselves that was lit completely by candles. The warm glow of the candles didn't do anything for an ambience, it actually just made Kristi's fake orange tan look even brighter. Like a glowing cheese ball.

  Beth smiled politely as she usually did. That was the thing about us Gentry girls, we could usually fake a pretty good smile.

  "I didn't think you would see us right away." Beth said as she kissed Kristi on the cheek. Funny that my petite, curvy sister would make a comment about not seeing her tall, chubby sister.

  "Well I was looking for my little sister and my favorite alum, so of course I would spot you two right away!" She beamed. The fakeness was just dripping from her mouth.

  That was the thing about Kristi, and all the other girls there. They could easily turn on the charm. If you were a basketball fan, for that five minutes they talked to you they would be the biggest basketball fans you'd ever met, even though they had never watched a single game. That's the thing about sorority girls, always in recruitment mode.

  The rest of the girls joined us, acting like we were all the best of friends and I just hadn't made fun of Lacey's mouth sores. Which were completely visible, that or she just had some really bad collagen injections.

  I felt like it was spring recruitment all over again. We had just gotten our pep talk about having alcohol in the house, and I had just found out that at least seventeen of the girls in the house had slept with Beau. But the president made sure that we all had our game faces on, so I had to sit there and smile as all these girls talked about how we were such great friends and had so much fun together. I wanted to pull my eyes out with a spoon right there in the middle of the common room.

  After what seemed like forever I heard Kristi's mom's high, nasally voice, call us over to the big tables full of steak Sicilian, different pastas, and breads.

  Kristi ran over to the waiting Gabe, who actually didn't look that thrilled to see her. Actually, Gabe never seemed thrilled to see anyone.

  Gabe was some sort of Eastern European nationality and he always looked like he was pissed off. His big bushy eyebrows were always furrowed, and if he wasn't drinking or chewing something, he was usually trying to flex the little of biceps he had. I honestly didn't know what Kristi saw in him, aside from them both being on executive boards for prominent Greek organizations. Her family was rich, his family was made up of working class immigrants. She was a business analyst for a major insurance company and he was still looking for a job as an elementary school gym teacher. It was like night and day, but she seemed to love him.

  But I guess people could say that about Blaine and me. We were the opposites on the outside. Everything about us seemed so different. Like we were star-crossed. But I still loved him. I didn't care if his family didn't own a condo in downtown Chicago, or that he had crazy bleached hair. And maybe Kristi didn't care about that with Gabe either.

  Maybe he took her out for lunch every day and kissed her forehead, even though he wasn't that much taller than her. Or maybe that was just Blaine and me, and I couldn't help but miss him terribly. Seeing the way that Kristi looked at Gabe was a way that I never looked at Beau. But it was the same way that I know Blaine looked at me. I didn't have to change myself for him and do the baby voice. He liked me just as I was.

  But I also had to face the facts that Blaine wasn't there, and I wasn't sure if he ever would be again.

  Chapter 26

  I couldn't sleep the whole night before. It was like that stupid yellow bridesmaid dress reflected off of every street lamp and every single car's headlights that passed.

  The wedding wasn't until three o'clock, but we had to be at Kristi's parents by eleven to get ready. I dreaded every minute of it. Not only had I outcasted myself from my sorority sisters, but I felt like I was also on the outs with everyone back in Louisiana.

  I tried texting Dina, but she hadn't heard anything. I started to think she, along with everyone else back in Elsbury, was getting annoyed with me. It was like I was stuck in the middle, not sure where I would fit. At one point I was at the top of the world and now I wasn't sure where I was.

  Luckily, Mom didn't sleep much either. Slowly I opened the door to my bedroom to see light pouring out of the open door from her office. I crept down the hallway; the hardwood floor was so cold compared to the stifling hot floor at Aunt Dee's. I wondered how high my parents had the air conditioning up.

  Mom sat at her desk, a huge stack of papers with pink highlighting marks all over them were strewn in front of her. She didn't even look up as she took a sip of her coffee and brushed back a stray strand of hair from her face.

  I knocked on the door frame and cleared my throat to her get her attention.

  "Oh Libby, I didn't see you there." She looked up at me then over at the digital clock next to her desk. It read six a.m. "You're up early. Excited for today?"

  She took another sip of her coffee, peering at me with her chocolate brown eyes from behind black Gucci glasses. Did she really need more than one pair of designer glasses? Aunt Dee only had one pair, and I think they had been broken and battered more than once.

  I shrugged and leaned against the door frame, crossing my arms across my chest.

  Mom’s lips tightened as she took off her glasses, absently running a hand through her hair and tousling it. "You know, I think things were a lot different when I was your age."

  "Mom!" I sighed plopping down on the brown leather chaise that sat directly across from her desk.

  "Don't Mom me, just hear me out." She took another sip of her coffee. "I’m a pretty good attorney, so I think I can make a pretty good argument." She shot me a wink and put her mug down.

  I blew air out hard through my noise, not saying a word and just looked at her.

  "You know when I was in college, if you were a girl, and you went to college, you joined a sorority. That's just how it was. And since my father was a frater he insisted that going Greek could only help my networking."

  Mom’s dad was also an attorney. She honestly didn't need to do any networking. After law school she joined his firm and eventually became partner.

  "And you know it didn't hurt that I met your father during college either." She took another sip of her coffee, smiling at me.

  "But, things were different, for me, for your sister. When you came home and told us you were going to be a Kappa, your father and I were thrilled. We thought you would finally come out of that shell you had buried yourself in during high school."

  I rolled my eyes. "Mom, I wasn't that bad in high school."

  "Libby." She stared me down. Those dark brown eyes were almost black.

  "Okay, maybe I was a little reserved." I crossed my arms over my chest and peered out the window. The sun had just started to rise and was casting shades of orange, red, and yellow through the slightly drawn linen curtains.

  "But, I soon realized that being in a sororit
y wasn't exactly the best place for you either."

  I snapped my head back toward my mom. She was a loyal Kappa. In fact, her office actually still held pictures from her initiation and her pledge paddle hung proudly in our living room. I never thought I would hear her say anything even remotely unkind about a sorority.

  "I felt like you lost yourself, Libby, even more. You just became this girl who I didn't even know anymore." She picked up her mug again, staring out the window.

  "Then you went to Louisiana. And you know I wasn't for it as much as your father was." She glanced up at me quickly, before looking back down at her mug. "But he thought it was what was best for you, and I hate to say it, but he was right."

  "How so?" I cocked an eyebrow, leaning in with my whole body.

  Mom rolled her eyes as she stood up from her chair. "Libby. I know how much you didn't fit in during high school, and let's face it, I’m no stranger to the Kappa hazing rituals."

  She took another sip of her coffee as she headed over toward the chaise, leaning in toward me.

  "Libby." She patted my knee and sat down next to me on the chaise. "At one point I was like you too. Hell, I only joined Kappa because I thought it would be the only way to get ahead in college."

  She slipped an arm around me as I bent my head into the crook of her arm, pulling my legs into my chest.

  "And don't get me wrong, I met some wonderful people through Kappa. But I think by meeting your father and starting out in my first law firm, I really found out who I was and grew as a person."

  She looked down at me smiling and brushed a stray curl from my face.