Here's to Yesterday

by Teagan Hunter

  Closing my eyes as Becca takes off the zebra-print cape, my nerves reaching an all-time high. I only came in for a cut, not a color. She spins me around, but I’m still too nervous to look.

  “Come on, come on. Look already, Maura. Tell me how wonderful I am!”

  I peel one eye open and peek at the mirror. Huh. Not bad so far. I open the other just as slowly, and my mouth drops open.

  When Becca said pink, I assumed a light, sweet pink and not the edgy, dark magenta she went with. And I love it.

  “Holy wow,” I whisper.

  “Right? It’s hot!”

  She’s correct again. It is hot. The carefully dipped ends mixed with my now freshly trimmed swing bob looks fan-freakin’-tastic! “You. Are. Amazing! A genius! It’s awesome!”

  She lifts a shoulder and smiles coyly. “You’re welcome.”

  I make sure to give Becca an extra-big hug (and tip) as I leave.

  My rule in life has always been: if you get a new hair-do, you get a new outfit to give yourself that extra boost of sass. So I decide to head toward Jane’s to get my shopping on.

  “Maura?”

  Stopping in the middle of the sidewalk, I turn toward the familiar voice.

  “Tucker,” I say carefully.

  It’s been a week since Tucker caught me puffy-eyed at Clyde’s during my Wednesday shift. I had just gotten off the phone with Tanner and was crying after we had a small disagreement. It was nothing big—a mix up of dates for when Tanner was coming home next. He was supposed to attend a dinner event my overbearing parents are throwing next month but got slapped with duty for the weekend. I normally wouldn’t care or complain, but I think that with everything weird happening with our relationship, we need to be together. I need to see my favorite side of Tanner to validate why we keep it going.

  Plus, he was the only reason I was attending, because spending more than two hours with my parents does something to me. Tanner was supposed to be my support through it.

  Fifty questions later, Tucker wrangled the story out of me. I explained to him how important the dinner was to my family and how they had already paid for a plate for Tanner. So Tucker, the gentleman he is, volunteered to step in. I turned him down. And apparently hurt his ego, because he’s come in to Clyde’s each night since, trying to get me to talk to him. It hasn’t worked.

  “How are you?” I ask, silently praying a giant black hole would appear and swallow me up so I wouldn’t have to face him.

  He cocks his head sideways, narrowing his eyes at me, as he closes the distance between us. “Fine,” he drawls. The way he’s watching me makes my skin itch, and I’m not sure why. “You changed your hair.”

  I shrug and push my hands into my back pockets, leaning back to peek up at him. “Yep.”

  “It looks good. Fits you.”

  My eyebrows shoot up at this. “Fits me? How?”

  He screws his lips up, thinking about how to answer this. “It just does. You seem more…you, more relaxed. Carefree, even.”

  I have to admit, I had no idea what I expected when Tucker said it “fits” me, but that was most definitely not it.

  Narrowing my eyes, I carefully inspect the younger brother of my boyfriend. He’s tall with dirty blonde hair, and he’s built. He’s not as bulky as Tanner, who has free rein of a military gym, but he’s definitely carrying around extra muscle. Unlike Tanner, Tucker is always—and I mean always—laid back and relaxed. I don’t think the guy owns anything other than t-shirts, flannels, and jeans. He’s got this easy vibe to him that his brother is, well, lacking.

  Other than the casual vibe he always gives off, the two things that make him so much different from Tanner are his tattoos and his eyes.

  AKA, two reasons I’ve always avoided him because…damn.

  Tucker has two full sleeves of all black tattoos. And they are brilliantly crafted. Incredible. Alluring. They suck you in. His right arm is one massive tree. It doesn’t need color for one to tell that it’s alive. The flowers are shaded so that his whole arm appears to have a life of its own. But his left arm? That one is my favorite. The tree is dead, and it’s absolutely breathtaking. Each arm has a story that a part of me wants to eventually coax out of him.

  And the other thing…those eyes? Hand to all holy things, they’re gold, bordering on amber, reminding me of honey. Tanner’s are a deep, dark, flat brown.

  I can thank my girl Rae for my eye obsession, I guess, because that’s the first thing I noticed about Tucker when I saw him up close.

  The corners of his mouth tip down under my scrutiny. “Why are you avoiding me?”

  This is annoying enough to take me out of the trance I was in. Because I am avoiding him. But I’m not telling him that.

  “Why are you stalking me?” I throw back without thinking.

  Tucker huffs. “Stalking you? I’m not stalking you, Maura. I’m trying to get you to talk to me. To let me go to that dinner with you in Tanner’s place.”

  “I already cancelled on them, Tucker,” I lie. “You don’t have to be my pity date.”

  “Pity date,” I barely hear him say as I turn back around and keep walking up the street.

  I make it about ten feet before I realize I’m acting like a total bitch for no reason. Well, there is a reason. I’m a little angry at the world because my brain is all mucky over Tanner, but that’s no reason for me to take it out on his brother.

  I sigh and turn around, deciding to try and smooth things over with him. Tucker is still standing where I left him, his shoulders slumped. I walk briskly back to him, not stopping until I’m about a foot away.

  “Why do you care so much anyway?” I ask quietly.

  He stares at me and steps closer to get out of the middle of the sidewalk. “Because I can see the toll it’s taking on you. Tanner being gone is hard. You need someone to be there for you who understands all this. You need a friend, Maura. Let me be that friend for you.”

  But that’s the thing. He doesn’t understand any of this. He doesn’t get why I’m so upset about Tanner. He thinks it’s because my boyfriend is gone, when truthfully, it’s because I feel like we’re stuck, like we’re more friends with mediocre benefits than actual girlfriend-boyfriend.

  “I have friends. Plenty of them.”

  He narrows his eyes at me again and tilts his head sideways. “Yeah? And where are they when you’re clearly not okay? I can read you like a book, Maura. Don’t act like you’re the first girl Tanner’s left behind for months at a time. You’re just the only one who’s stuck around this long.”

  If Tucker thinks he’s pulling one over on me, he’s wrong, because I already knew about Tanner’s previous girlfriend. They met on his last leave, started a relationship, and she cheated on him while he was gone. End of story. They had only been together for two months, so it didn’t result in major heartbreak for Tanner.

  But now that I think about it, what if it was because she experienced that same thing I’m experiencing? Fuck.

  “Screw you, Tucker,” I push out through gritted teeth as I try to step around him. He grabs my arm lightly and stops me from going any farther. “Let me go.”

  “Are you gonna be okay or not?” he asks on a sigh.

  A part of me wants to smooth out my ruffled feathers because of the sweetness I hear in Tucker’s voice. He’s genuinely concerned for me. While I’m thankful that someone cares, he’s not the person I want. He’s not who should be asking me if I’m okay.

  I pull my arm from his grip. “I’ll be fine. Thanks for the concern.”

  He allows me to walk away from him this time.

  I’m so annoyed over my encounter with Tucker that I forgo going to Jane’s and head home to pig out on ice cream and watch sappy movies.

  “I HATE MEN!” I yell as I stomp through my aunt’s house.

  “What in the world did you do to your hair?” Kassi questions from her relaxed position on the couch, her mouth hanging wide open.

  I cringe. “Bad?”

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nbsp; She sits up and stares at me, shaking her head. “No. So, so good. I am in love with it!” Then she’s off her feet and touching it. “It’s gorgeous! Soft, feminine, edgy, you.”

  Okay, she’s the second person to say how this haircut is “me” today. Have I been hiding behind who I truly am for that long? And have I been that transparent about it?

  “Thanks. I think.”

  She shrugs and walks back over to where she was on the couch. “What’s up with the man-bashing? What did Tanner do now?”

  “Actually, it wasn’t Tanner this time. I mean, it kind of was, but it wasn’t.”

  “That makes total sense,” she says, feigning understanding.

  I shoot her a glance and flop down on the other end of the dark blue sofa. “First off, rude. Second off, it was Tanner and Tucker this time.”

  “Tucker? You mean Tanner’s super-hot, single younger brother?”

  Not wanting to admit out loud that she’s right, because Tucker isn’t bad-looking, I shrug. “Whatever. Anyway, you know that annual dinner my parents have?”

  Kassi visibly shudders. “Blech. I hate that thing. It’s suffocating.”

  “And that’s exactly why I wasn’t going to go this year. But then Tanner happened. My parents love him, so I kind of had to go. Tanner encouraged it. And then he bailed. Duty or whatever.”

  “Okay, so where exactly does Tucker come in?”

  “I found out about Tanner bailing last week, and Tucker happened to come into Clyde’s as I was wiping my eyes.”

  “And you hate him because?”

  “Tucker offered to take me. I turned him down. He’s been coming into my work almost every day since. I’ve been ignoring him,” I tell her.

  She frowns. “Maura, honey, you’re going to have to spell this out for me. I don’t understand how any of what Tucker has done is wrong.”

  “He’s trying to take me on a pity date! A freakin’ pity date to my own parents’ dinner! It’s…insulting!” I fume.

  Kassi screws her face up and gives me this look that says she thinks I’m crazy. “I don’t perceive it that way at all. I see it like he’s doing a favor for you. Or maybe trying to correct his brother’s mess up.”

  I huff and cross my arms over my chest like a damn toddler because I hate that her appraisal of the situation may be valid. I know I was a bitch earlier to Tucker, and if I’m honest, this is my way of justifying it.

  Because let’s face it: I had no reason at all to be mean to Tucker. I was projecting, and I shouldn’t have done that. It’s not his fault that his brother is an ass who bailed on a huge event with my parents.

  Fine, I shouldn’t be mad at Tanner either, but between his schedule mix up, all the phone tag we’ve been playing, and me constantly second-guessing my feelings for him lately, I’ve let it surface and all fall on him. Bitch move, Maura.

  But that’s not the only thing she’s right about. I just realized that maybe Tucker can read me like a book because what I’m missing is friendship. And he’s definitely offering one.

  “Go on. Tell me how right I am,” Kassi gloats.

  “Yeah, yeah. The part that bugged me the most was how he acted about it. All smug and shit, telling me how he can read me. How he wants to be my friend because the ones I have are apparently shitty.”

  Kassi clears her throat. “He may not be wrong.”

  I snap my head toward her. “What.” It doesn’t come out as a question.

  “What I mean is Tucker gets all this military crap. He’s been living with it for the last several years. He understands. Maybe you should reach out to him. He might be able to help you through the confusion you’ve been feeling.”

  “Or I can not, and say I did.”

  “Okay, brat. Be that way, then. But think about it. You probably need him more than you realize.”

  But she’s wrong. The only person I need is my boyfriend. Or he’s the person I should need. How did I get so screwed up by all this?

  “I’m going to go call Tanner,” I tell her in attempt to make myself feel better about that thought I just had.

  I lied to her when I said I was going to call Tanner, because the first thing I do when I make it into my room is lie down on my bed and do my best to hold back my sudden tears, I know that Kassi is right. I’m not okay. My head isn’t where it needs to be. My heart isn’t where it needs to be. And I think I need someone else to lean on for a change. Anyone who isn’t my boyfriend’s brother.

  I close my eyes tightly and try to push away all my shameful thoughts because I have no idea why I’m almost crying over a man I’m not sure I love like I should anymore. I have no idea why I’m letting whatever is happening between us push me away from my other friends and the world. I’ve been nothing but a shut-in these past few months as I’ve tried figuring out what in the hell is going on with Tanner and me.

  Since Tucker is the best friend of my best friend’s boyfriend (because that wasn’t confusing or anything), I have to see him. All. The. Time. Each time we are all together, Tucker sees things, things he shouldn’t be seeing. He looks at me and understands all this stuff that I hide from Rae and Perry on the daily. I’m tired of him seeing directly through me, because that’s exactly what’s happening.

  It’s so hard to keep this falsely happy attitude around everyone when all I truly want to do is break down. I want to let my tears flow because I’m lonely. I miss him, yet I have no real right to, especially not when I have no idea how I feel about him.

  I simply want to cry out of frustration, want, and anger.

  But I don’t. I can’t.

  My phone suddenly rings, and I rush to answer it without checking the screen.

  “Hello?”

  “Maura. It’s about time you answered your phone.” I immediately regret pressing that green button now.

  “I-I had it on silent,” I lie to my mother, my nervous stutter coming out. “It won’t happen again.”

  “Having your phone on silent is incredibly rude to those trying to call you, Maura. But I don’t expect you to understand something so simple.”

  I suppress a groan, because any other time she would say that it’s rude to those around me to have the volume turned on. There’s no pleasing her.

  “I’m sorry,” I mumble again. “I promise I won’t do it again.”

  Another lie.

  “Good. Now, I’m calling to make sure you’re still attending the dinner next month. It’s exactly four weeks away, and we need to finalize your plates.”

  I clear my throat and try to sound as confident as possible. “I won’t be able to attend the dinner.”

  “That is absurd! You will be present, and you will wear the dress I have picked out for you. It’s blue and will match your eyes.”

  But not my new hair, I want to say.

  Instead, I settle for fingering the tips of my newly pink locks. “I’m sorry, Mother, but I won’t be able to attend. Tanner has—”

  “You will be there, and you will bring a date. I won’t hear another word against it. Are we clear?”

  All the fight I have left in me slowly drains out as I realize that nothing I say will matter to her. She’s going to make me go. She’ll badger me until I agree. She’ll call every day until I have to change my phone number and walk away from my parents. That doesn’t sound too bad.

  “I have asked a question, young lady. I expect an answer if you are capable of one,” she says, impatience lining her voice.

  I cringe at her harshness and nod my head.

  “Maura!” she snaps as I realize she can’t see me.

  “Y-yes, Mother. I’ll be there.”

  “With a date,” she instructs.

  “With a date,” I respond like the good daughter I am.

  “Good. Now that that is settled, would you like chicken or beef?”

  I finally let the tears fall.

  Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz.

  I fumble around until my hand lands on my buzzing phone sitting on my bedside table. />
  “Yeah?” I answer groggily.

  “Good morning to you, too.”

  A smile breaks out across my face.

  “Tanner,” I say quietly.

  “Hi, babe. How’s my girl?” he asks.

  He’s so much like my Tanner today that for a split second, I want to tell him everything. Spill it all out to him. Tell him what has been off with me lately, how I’ve been nothing but up and down for the past two weeks, how much I miss him. Let him know how much I miss us. Tell him what a pain in the ass both my mom and Tucker are. Maybe be honest about how I don’t think I love him like I should.

  It all wants to come out. It all almost does.

  “Babe?”

  “Yeah?”

  “How…uh…how are things?” he tries again cautiously.

  I clear my throat and put that pep into my voice that I know he wants to hear. “Good, Tanner. They’re good.”

  “Yeah? Because I miss you.” My heart clenches a little bit. “I could go for a round or two of some stress-relieving activity, if you know what I mean.” And like that, my heart is back to normal, because that was not my Tanner.

  Before I’m forced to answer him, or more than likely sit here in awkward silence, I hear someone in the background call to him, and I know that’s the end of our morning phone call already.

  “Babe, I gotta go. Sergeant’s calling for me. I’ll talk to you later?”

  “Of course. Go. Have a good day, Sergeant Bentley.”

  “I love you, Maurie. Forever, babe.”

  I want to be able to say it back and mean it like I should—like he should. But lust doesn’t equal love, so I can’t.

  “You too,” I say.

  I hit the red button and toss my phone onto the pillow beside me. I roll over and let out a frustrated groan. Why can’t I make this all easy? Why do I have to be so complicated about everything? Why can’t I be what my parents want me to be? Why can’t I love Tanner how I’m supposed to love him and leave it at that? Why do I have to question it all?

  Apparently today is going to be one of those days, because my phone buzzes again.

  Bestie: Wake up, hooker. Open your damn door.