The Hookup Handbook

by Kendall Ryan

  But it wouldn’t have been love. And when you pick love, you take all the hurt that comes with it.

  I’m a block from the apartment when my phone buzzes. Probably a severe storm warning with the way this rain is coming down. I’ll have to cancel my plans with Allison tonight if the bad weather keeps up.

  Once I’m safely parked in the lot outside our building, I reach for my phone, but what I find is far beyond what anyone could forecast.

  It’s a text from Case. The first either of us have sent each other since I broke things off.

  Can we talk?

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Case

  Sitting in the back corner of a small, trendy coffee shop halfway between my place and Sienna’s, I take a sip of my coffee and go over my speech in my head.

  I know I look like shit. I feel like shit too. Ever since Sienna ended things between us, I’ve been a fucking mess. The black eye is gone now, but my emotional wounds aren’t. Obviously, I’m not happy with how things went down, and of course, Ryder won’t talk to me and has been avoiding coming to my house at all costs. And as for Sienna . . . well, let’s just say I’m feeling pretty damn lucky that she agreed to meet me here at all.

  Without her presence the past couple of weeks, my office has been lonely and cold. I didn’t realize how much I liked the scent of her perfume or the amount of shit she gave me all the time until it was gone.

  I was an idiot to think we could keep things strictly physical—she’s too kind, too smart, too fucking perfect in every way. And to think that I might have screwed with her relationship with her brother . . . it’s too much. For the past two weeks, the only thing I’ve been able to think about is how fucking stupid I was for not speaking up when she was breaking things off.

  Just as I’m about to shame-spiral for the hundredth time in the past fourteen days, Sienna walks through the door in frayed jeans and a white T-shirt, her golden hair swept over one shoulder. She’s beautiful.

  My breath catches in my chest when I lay eyes on her, and it feels like a twenty-pound weight has dropped to the bottom of my stomach.

  Get it the fuck together, Case. This is your last chance. Your only chance.

  Our eyes meet across the room, and I smile, giving her a small nod.

  A tight smile stretches across her face as she makes her way over, weaving through the maze of wooden tables and plush linen armchairs to get to me. When she sees the iced coffee I ordered for her waiting at our table, an unreadable expression flashes across her perfect face.

  “You didn’t have to do that,” she says as she sits across from me, swirling the plastic cup so the ice bumps and jostles against the sides.

  “It felt like the least I could do at this point.”

  “Well, thanks, I guess.”

  She takes a long sip of the drink, her gaze trained on the table, then on the menu on the wall, then on the well-dressed couple a few tables over—basically, anywhere but on me. It stings, but it is what it is.

  It’s in this moment I realize I’m just going to have to launch into it. Apparently, there’s not a whole lot of room for pleasantries between us at this point.

  “Look, Sienna, before I say anything else, I want to thank you for meeting with me. I know you wanted space since you . . . well, since things ended, and I respect that. So it’s really big of you to let me say my piece anyway.”

  She nods, briefly meeting my eyes before looking back down at her coffee. “You made it sound important.”

  Not exactly a win, but sure, I’ll take it.

  “So, I guess I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. For a lot of things—for hitting your brother, for letting things get so complicated between us, for not being man enough to just come out and be honest about what was going on. But most of all, I’m sorry for coming between you and Ryder. The thought that your relationship might be changed or damaged because I didn’t have the balls to tell him . . . that kills me more than anything else.”

  “Things with Ryder are . . . okay,” Sienna says slowly, choosing her words carefully. “It hasn’t been easy trying to talk to him. He was really worked up over this for a while. But we’ve talked, and I think at this point he’s willing to let it go and move on.”

  “Good, I’m happy to hear that. Really happy, actually.”

  “Thank you for apologizing,” she says softly.

  “I mean it, Sienna. I really am sorry.”

  She looks up at me then, searching my face for any hint of insincerity. I hold her gaze, my stomach doing its familiar backflip with those big blue eyes looking so intently into mine.

  “There’s something else,” I say, breaking eye contact and looking down into my mug.

  This is the big one. The thing I’ve been meaning to tell her for a while now, that I haven’t had a chance to say until this moment. My heart rate picks up as I look back at her, and she cocks her head to the side, genuinely unsure of what I’m about to say.

  “Sienna, over the past couple weeks, I realized something. Something that changed everything. All that time we spent together, all those dinners, all those nights, all the long workdays where we made such a good team . . . I wasn’t just falling for you. I did fall for you. I’m in love with you. And it wasn’t until you broke things off between us that I realized exactly what that meant, or what it would be like to try and live without you in my life.”

  “Case, I—”

  “You don’t have to say anything right now. I’m not trying to pressure you into saying anything you don’t mean. I just . . . I was planning on telling you that the night your brother found out about us. I never got the chance to say it, and I wanted you to know. That’s all.”

  “Okay. Well, thanks for letting me know, I guess.”

  She shifts uncomfortably in her seat, her face still impossible to read. Sure, I was being honest when I said she didn’t have to say anything, but it would be nice if I had some sense of what she’s thinking.

  After what feels like a century of silence, Sienna clears her throat, pushing her fingers through her hair. “So as far as continuing to help you goes, I’m flexible on whether I keep working for you or not. This doesn’t have to ruin our professional relationship, and I think, maybe, after a little time has passed, we could even be friends. Or not. It’s up to you, really. Totally your call.”

  I nod, running my hand over the back of my neck. Are you fucking kidding me? She thinks I want to be friends with her? I just told her I love her, and she responds with “let’s be friends”?

  “Sure, maybe. Whatever you want,” I say, my tone a little colder than I intend.

  She frowns at me. “Well, I don’t know, Case, what do you think we should do? I’m trying to offer a solution here, which is more than you seem to be doing.”

  “Friends? That’s the solution? After everything we’ve been through, you really think I just want to be friends?”

  “I don’t know what the answer is, but at least I’m trying.”

  I stare at her, unable to process how casual she’s being about all this.

  Am I the only one who actually experienced everything? Did she really not feel anything for me, other than the pleasure I delivered between her legs?

  And that’s when it hits me, harder and more devastating than any realization I’ve had in a long time.

  “You don’t feel the same way. You never did. I was just a fling for you. God, I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.”

  She stares back at me, dumbfounded, a frustrated blush creeping over her chest and cheeks. “Are you kidding me, Case? I fell for you, so hard. It was terrifying.”

  Her words hit me straight in the chest. “Then what? Where do we go from here?”

  She looks down at her hands, twisting the gold ring on her index finger. “I knew that falling in love with you wasn’t something I should do. Even through all my emotions, I was smart enough to recognize that I couldn’t sit by and watch while you continued going out with other women.”

 
“When the fuck did I ever go out with other women?” I take a deep breath and start again, lowering my voice. “I gave that up the second I met you. Shit, my body quit even before that, like it was getting me ready for you. And I was ready for you. I still am.”

  Her eyes lift to mine. “What are you saying?”

  “I just told you I’m in love with you, and I haven’t slept with another woman—which was my job for years, I might add—the whole time we were together. I don’t know how much clearer I can be, Sienna.”

  She sits back in her chair, her eyes wide, shimmering with unshed tears. She opens her mouth to speak, then closes it, shaking her head and staring at the ceiling. “This isn’t how I thought today was going to go.”

  “What did you think I wanted to talk about?”

  “I thought you wanted to smooth things over, maybe work on repairing your friendship with me and with Ryder.”

  I can’t help it—I burst out laughing, but quickly pull it together when she knits her brows together at me.

  Reaching across the table, I take her hand in mine, running my thumb softly over her knuckles. “Sienna, I want you. I’ve always wanted you. I want to be with you in whatever capacity you’ll have me.”

  “Even if that means giving up escorting?”

  “Especially if it means giving up escorting. Honestly, I don’t think I’d be much good at it anymore.”

  For the first time since we sat down, she gives me a genuine smile, squeezing my fingers and shaking her head. “Why didn’t you say that earlier?”

  “Is that what you were waiting for? For me to admit that you’re the only one I want?”

  She laughs, shaking her head as she appraises me. “That would have been helpful information, yes.”

  It makes sense, I guess. She couldn’t give me her whole heart until she knew she was the only woman I’d be with.

  I lean forward, dipping my chin and bringing my lips to hers. She meets me halfway, our lips coming together for the first time in a while. And honestly, it feels better and more natural than I could have imagined after these weeks apart.

  “You’re the only one I want.”

  Sienna sighs, settling her chin on her palm. “Now what?”

  “Now we go talk to your brother.”

  • • •

  A couple of hours later, Sienna and I pull up in separate cars at her apartment building. She texted Ryder to make sure he’d be home, and we spent the rest of the time in between preparing what we’d say to him and how to deescalate the situation.

  I made the point that it might be best if Sienna went in first and let him know what was going on so he didn’t feel ambushed. She agreed, so after kissing me again in front of their door, she walks in and closes it behind her, leaving me alone in the hallway, waiting either for her signal or the sound of Ryder yelling—whichever comes first.

  I can hear the muffled sounds of their voices through the door, but I can’t tell what they’re saying or even the tone. My heart races and my fight-or-flight instinct kicks in, preparing for the very real possibility that Ryder might burst through the door and try to hit me again.

  But instead, the door swings open, and it’s Sienna standing there, a tight smile on her lips as she nods for me to enter. I walk inside and find Ryder standing behind the counter in their kitchen, his hands gripping the granite like he’s trying not to explode. His nostrils flare when he sees me, but he doesn’t make a move to touch me, which at this point, I’m counting as a serious win.

  “Look, man, before we say anything else, I want to apologize,” I say, holding his gaze but not getting any closer. “For everything. For hitting you, for lying to you, and most of all, for not trusting you to be able to handle the truth. That was a shitty thing to do to anyone, but especially to my best friend.”

  He nods, clenching his jaw and taking a deep breath through his nose. “Apology accepted. You two are adults. What you do is your business.”

  “Thanks, man, I appreciate that. And I want you to know, I would never hurt Sienna.”

  She breathes a sigh of relief, then takes my hand and walks the two of us to the counter opposite him. “We’re together now, Ryd, and after everything that’s happened, it’s important to us that we have your blessing.”

  Ryder takes another deep breath, then exhales loudly through his mouth. He lowers his head, processing the news, and when he looks up, he walks around the counter toward me. I square up to him, letting go of Sienna’s hand and giving him my full attention, ready for him to chew me out, beat me up, or some crazy combination of the two.

  But he doesn’t. He nods, his mouth pulled into a straight line, and extends his hand to me.

  “It takes a big man to admit that he’s done something wrong. And I know my sister has a good head on her shoulders, so you must be treating her right if she’s still willing to be with you.”

  We smile and shake hands while Sienna lets out the breath she’s been holding all at once.

  “Jesus, Ryd, way to really draw out the moment.”

  “What, you guys get to sneak around behind my back like a couple of horny teenagers for God knows how long, and I can’t take an extra minute or two to savor the drama of my moment?”

  “It was only a few weeks,” Sienna mutters under her breath, rolling her eyes, but I just laugh, clapping my hand on Ryder’s shoulder, relieved that things might get back to how they used to be.

  “Thank you, man. It really means a lot to us.”

  “Yeah, well. Now you and I really need to have a talk about freeing up my schedule.”

  “In that case, we’ll have to find some fresh meat to hire. I’m retiring. Officially, this time.” I place my arm around Sienna’s shoulders and she slips her arm around my waist, smiling up at me.

  “No shit,” Ryder says, looking between us. “Damn, Sienna, you little lovebirds must be serious if this workaholic is willing to give up his damn career to be with you.”

  “He’s staying on as CEO. He just won’t be an escort anymore,” Sienna replies.

  I give her shoulder a squeeze.

  It feels good to have everyone back on speaking terms and in a good place again. Just yesterday, I wasn’t sure if these people would ever be in my life again, and I couldn’t be more grateful for how things turned out.

  “Oh shit, it’s almost three,” Sienna says, glancing at the clock on the microwave.

  “We’d better head out. We don’t want your girls having meltdowns because their teacher didn’t show up on time for their recital.”

  “It’s the parents I’m more worried about. If I’m not there to approve their buns and tutus, they’ll just start wreaking havoc.”

  • • •

  The three of us carpool to the dance studio together, chatting and laughing the whole drive over.

  Her little dancers are the most adorable things I’ve ever seen, second only to watching her interact with them. I always knew she was good with kids, but seeing her in action? That’s another story, and even I’m a little surprised by how into it I am. I have a stupid grin plastered on my face for a full two hours, starting from the second she walks onstage and lasting until we meet her backstage afterwards, bouquets of her favorite flowers in hand.

  “Everything’s good here, so we can leave for dinner whenever. Are you ready?” she asks, tucking a loose strand of her golden hair back into her dancer’s bun, those big blue eyes looking up at me.

  And in that moment, all the possibilities that lie ahead of us flash before my eyes, and that stupid grin returns. My answer is easy, the easiest one I’ve given in a long time.

  “More than I’ve ever been.”

  Epilogue

  Case

  Three years later

  “You ready for this?” I place my palm against Sienna’s lower back, my thumb gently caressing in small circles.

  She draws a shuddering inhale. “I have to be, don’t I?”

  I dip my chin, meeting her eyes with a playful expression. “I
could always sneak you out the back exit.”

  My angel chuckles, shaking her head. “I love you, but no. I’d better go out there and face the crowd.”

  She means crowd in the literal sense. There are about two hundred people in the audience this afternoon.

  I give her butt a firm pat. “Then go. You’ve got this.”

  She smiles warmly at me. “You sure about that?”

  I nod and press a chaste kiss to her lips. “I’m one hundred percent positive.” Peeking beyond the heavy curtain we’re standing behind, I point to the front row of the audience. “And I’ll be sitting right there. Feel free to picture me naked if it helps.”

  A dry laugh tumbles from her beautiful lips. “I may just take you up on that.”

  I press one more kiss against her knuckles and then head back behind the stage and toward the exit so I can go and find my seat before the recital begins.

  Sienna opened her own ballet studio earlier this year, and everything has been building toward this moment. She’s rented a performance hall for the day, which came at a steep price, and with all the other expenses and uncertainty of running her own business, I know the pressure is getting to her.

  It’s compounded by the fact that she’s also four months pregnant, and we haven’t told her family yet. We’d planned to before now, but she was so sick those first few months and had some cramping, we were afraid to tell anyone. Shit, we were afraid to breathe for fear something might happen to the baby. Now, her obstetrician has assured us that Sienna and the baby are both perfectly safe and healthy. We plan to tell our families over dinner tonight when we’re celebrating after the first recital of Sienna’s own studio.

  I stand and cheer the loudest when Sienna emerges onstage in her simple black sheath dress and black tights. Her belly is hardly noticeable. I notice it, of course, because I know her body like the back of my hand, but I don’t think anyone else suspects anything. Although her mother did comment about married life agreeing with her the last time we were over for dinner. I couldn’t agree more.