The Milestone Tapes

by Ashley Mackler-Paternostro

  “Good, actually. Just wondering when I can go home?” Jenna answered.

  “Not just yet, I’m afraid. I’m going to page the doctor, let him know you’re up. I’ll be back shortly. Try to get some rest.” She smiled and pivoted and left, her heels squeaking loudly.

  “Ugh!” Jenna moaned, losing control of her frustration.

  She hated hospitals. The formality and starkness and sterile spaces, the nurses and doctors and bad news. She wasn’t supposed to be here, not tonight, not this weekend. She wasn’t sure what disappointed her more, losing her weekend away with Gabe or being here at large.

  “Just get some rest, J. It’s still really early. There is no sense in going home anyway; you’d just have to come right back in the morning,” Gabe requested, sitting down in the chair across from Sophia who was pulling on the tattered edges of her sweatshirt, tugging them over her balled fists.

  Jenna watched her husband carefully. His shoulders hunched forwards, his elbows rested on his knees, and thin fingers raked through his hair, which was getting shaggy, a bit too long for the usually kept, neat style he preferred.

  She gave an annoyed sigh, allowed herself defeat, sliding deeper into the hospital bed.

  “Go home Gabe. Sophia, can you drive him please?” Jenna asked.

  Both of their heads snapped up, looking at her, Gabe’s brows furrowing together, pulled by an invisible string.

  “I mean it, go home. You need rest. I’ll be good, I’ll rest here and I’ll put up with whatever comes tomorrow ... but only if you two go back to the house and try to unwind. Seriously, I bet the two of you look worse than I do!” Jenna laughed quietly and made shooing motions with her hands, careful not to disrupt the tube strung from them.

  “I don’t want to leave, I can stay,” Gabe protested exhaustedly.

  “Oh, look at us, such a matched pair! I don’t want to stay, you don’t want to leave!” Jenna laughed out loud weakly at the irony. “Now, go, get out of here. I need my rest!” She feigned a yawn.

  Sophia looked at Jenna meaningfully, watching for any hint and Jenna simply nodded in response.

  “Okay, okay. Come on Gabe, let’s let Jenna sleep in peace. I’ll bring you back here in a few hours, but you do really look like you’re going to pass out at any minute.” Climbing to her feet, she walked over and kissed Jenna softly on the cheek. “You really, really scared the shit out of me. We are going to talk about what happened later,” she whispered quietly in Jenna’s ear, too low for Gabe for hear, but with the seriousness of a tone that Jenna knew meant business.

  “I love you, Jenna. Call if you need anything. I’ll come right back,” Gabe kissed Jenna sweetly on the lips, his morning stubble scratching at her cheeks and chin. His eyes were so conflicted, it broke her heart, but she wanted him to learn how to take care of himself first, make that a priority.

  “I love you, too Gabe ... very, very much,” she said, taking his face between her hands and kissing him again, unhurried.

  Jenna listened closely as the sound of their retreat faded down the hall until she could no longer catch any trace of them. Sighing deeply, she leaned back against the pillow and closed her eyes. Rest offered nothing to her now; she wasn’t tired, she was frustrated. She wanted to remember what happened, what she did or didn’t do, that landed her here.

  The evening had been so perfect. The meal was delicious; she remembered scarfing down the appetizer and nearly forgetting her dinner altogether, scooping the bits of tomato and olive left on the plate once the balsamic vinegar drenched bread was gone. The wine was bold and noted and delicious; they had eaten well and laughed hard. They discussed school plans for Mia, the back to school shopping that would need to be done soon. They had talked about Jenna’s plans, the funeral and casket and burial plot, her freshly laundered black dress that hung in the back of the closet swaddled in dry cleaner’s plastic. They talked about their weekend away, and he had tried to tease her into telling him more, but she stood her ground. They talked about work, the couple that hired him to build a vacation home and how amazing it was going to be for them. Normal, average, everyday stuff balanced with the things that should never need to be talked about.

  She recalled how Gabe had teasingly resisted the hotel, but once inside the room, how he had easily been won over by the privacy it allowed them. She remembered they had made love, engaging and slow. She remembered his lips running over the scars where her breasts had once been, kissing the hollow of her neck, the sweet spot behind her ear, lying on top of her, holding her close, telling her how deeply he loved her, needed her, begging her to stay. She remembered all of that. The way, her body felt purified under the rush of warm water afterward, the way the silk of her nightgown caressed her body, how Gabe had lulled her to sleep with his fingertips.

  But that was all. Nothing more until she awoke in this place. Dressed not in her pretty nightgown, but an over-washed hospital gown, thin, thread-barren. Not asleep beside her husband, pressed against him safe and warm, but rather, alone in a sterile single bed attached to machines under the watchful eye of staff. She still felt the dull ache of her muscles arguing with her under her thin skin, but there was nothing visibly wrong.

  What had happened? Had it really been bad enough to land her here?

  Her eyes snapped open as she felt the soft tug of someone adjusting her bedside IV.

  “Oops, sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Peg whispered quietly, backing away from her.

  “No, no. I wasn’t asleep, just thinking, it’s okay.” Jenna raised a hand in a welcoming gesture.

  “All the same, sorry. But, since you’re awake, I did speak with Dr. Henderson. She should be coming by to see you soon.” Peg smiled jotting a note on Jenna’s chart.

  “Can I ask you something?” Jenna implored.

  “Of course Mrs.—Jenna.” Peg hovered.

  “What happened? My husband, Gabe, said I got sick ... but, but I can’t remember anything that happened, and I’m just ... confused,” Jenna shrugged, hoping Peg would have answers for her, give her something that made sense.

  “The doctor will be here soon Jenna.I’m sure she’ll be able to help answer ... ” Peg began reasonably.

  “I’m not asking for reasons, or explanations. Sorry, I know you can’t answer those things, that’s not what I mean. What I’m asking is, what did I do to end up here?” Jenna understood the hesitance, and she hated it. The humanity always seemed to be missing in the lines certain professionals wouldn’t cross.

  “Jenna, you had a very high fever, and you were vomiting.” Peg patted Jenna’s hand soothingly, making it sound like a bad case of the flu, as though the patient were already on the mend.

  “That’s all?” Jenna’s eyebrows raised in surprise; she had figured much, much worse. A fever and throwing up. Going to the hospital seemed like a stretch and slightly circumspect to Jenna, like a grave overreaction. It wasn’t normally the sort of leap Gabe would make.

  “More or less. Listen, honey, Dr. Henderson will be here soon and I’m sure she will have lots of answers,” Paula said, letting Jenna’s hand drop. “Would you like a sedative? Something to help you rest?” A smile spread across her face.

  “No, I’m good. Thank you.” Jenna returned the smile.

  Turning to the clock, she saw the red blazing numbers. Only four in the morning. Hours to go before the normal business day, before Gabe would come back or Sophia would call or the doctor would grace them all with her presence. Yawning, Jenna closed her eyes once more. Maybe she could rest, just for a bit.

  ~ * * * ~

  “Hi Jenna, how are you feeling?” Dr. Henderson breezed into the small hospital room, her heels clicking staccato against the tired vinyl flooring. She was dressed sharply in a well fitted power navy pant suit, and billowy white silk blouse. Her starched white cotton medical jacket hung open around her, the pockets stuffed with plastic gloves and pens.

  “Dr. Henderson, I’m feeling much better, thank you,” Jenna answered honestly. Th
e nap had done wonders for her. The fog had lifted enough to let her understand that whatever happened had been more than a fever.

  “Good! You had me worried!” A wide, professional smile split her thin, cotton candy pink lips. “Do you remember seeing me last night, when Gabe brought you in?” She pressed her latex covered hands against Jenna in various places, kneading her fingers about, looking for something.

  “No, not really.” Jenna blushed.

  “Interesting. Well, yes, I saw you last night.” Henderson wrote in quick, short strikes across the same tablet Peg had used last night. “You weren’t well,but you seem … better … this morning.”

  “Can you tell me what was wrong?” Jenna asked.

  “Well, let’s see.” Dr. Henderson flipped the page over and began to give Jenna the Cliff Notes version of what happened. “You presented with a very high fever—one-hundred-and-five point oh one degrees, bleeding from the nose, vomiting; you had lost consciousness, probably due to the high fever, at the hotel where you were staying. You were brought in via ambulance at approximately twelve thirty in the morning. At that point, your husband had relayed to the emergency staff that you were screaming about being on fire and in severe pain.” Dr. Henderson looked up meaningfully at Jenna and closed the chart swiftly.

  “Oh.” It made sense now. She had had an episode, one that she had been cautioned about months earlier. Months earlier, she hadn’t been paying attention to the time. This was her half way point.

  “And you remember nothing?”

  “No, I remember the night leading up to the ... event ... but I don’t remember what happened … afterwards.” Jenna lowered her eyes.

  “Yes, so you can see why we’re all concerned.” Dr. Henderson’s tone softened.

  Dr. Henderson had been caring for Jenna locally when she was first diagnosed and even now when emergencies arose, but because Jenna preferred the Seattle practice, they all worked in conjunction.

  “I’ve been in touch with Dr. Vaughn this morning. We’re in agreement. You’ve turned a corner. I realize that, initially, he thought six months and then you’d be in a position to need more attuned care. But I think that timeline was gravely overestimated. He and I, we, undervalued what the treatments were doing, and what they were keeping at bay.

  “The cancer, as we’ve said all along—as you’ve always known—is aggressive. Dr. Vaughn is on his way now for you and Gabe to consult with. He and I will meet first, naturally, to discuss this hospital’s findings and attempt to get some hold on what’s really going on here.”

  Jenna felt herself gripping the metal side rails of the hospital bed, squeezing so hard her knuckles blanched. A whooshing sound rushed her ears, burned her head off from thought, feeling and reasons. She was lost, cast off.

  Jenna wanted to scream. Why was the doctor telling her this alone, when she had no one to comfort or console her? It seemed heartless.

  “Why, why are you telling me this ... I’m alone, Gabe’s not even here!” Jenna voiced raked with anger.

  “Jenna, please understand, you are my patient. You asked me and I told you. I’m sorry if this has upset you, but my job is to be honest with you.” Her smile pinched to a pucker, as though she was offended. “And, just so you are aware, I’ve spoken with Gabe, just before seeing you. He is fully aware of my findings and my suspicions. He is on his way here now, with your sister I believe. I have some tests I want to run before Dr. Vaughn arrives, so a nurse will be here for you shortly.” Her face went blank, as professional as before.

  This was it, the downslide. Jenna tugged the thin hospital blanket up to her mouth and smothered a scream.

  “Jenna? Honey!” Sophia burst through the thin wooden door that shelled off the private room from the rest of the hospital. She looked windblown and fazed, her blue eyes wide with horror and worry, the mixture left her looking sickened.

  “Where’s Gabe?” Jenna wondered out loud, turning towards her sister who yanked a chair from the other end of the room to sit beside her.

  “Right here,” he answered, walking through the door. He hadn’t slept, the red rings of exhaustion still circled his eyes, and his face cheeks, chin and neck were still sprouting salt and pepper stubble. She wanted to go to him, to pull him down beside her and hold him close.

  “Gabe,” Jenna breathed. He made it easier somehow, his handsome face a touchstone for her, his comforting presence. He was hers, her safe place.

  “They just told her, Gabe. Fuck! We wanted to be here, we all but ran.” Sophia patted Jenna hand soothingly. “I’m so pissed; it seems so insensitive to tell her when she was alone!” she ranted on. “I could strangle that woman, Lord help me, I could!”

  “No, don’t blame her.” Jenna’s words betraying her own feelings that had flared up so easily only a moment ago. “I asked—this is how things work sometimes.”

  “Soph, could I minute with Jenna, please?” Gabe asked, still standing in the open door frame, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. He looked like a child, lost and scared and confused.

  “Of course. I’m going to go to the cafeteria, do you want anything? Coffee, muffin, juice?” Sophia offered, pulling herself up from the chair, clutching her fine leather hand bag to her side.

  “No, I’m okay. Thanks, though. Jenna has tests, can’t eat or drink till they’re over.” Gabe nodded.

  “I’ll be back later, then.” Sophia leaned down to kiss Jenna briefly on her forehead, pausing on her way out to touch Gabe’s arm once.

  “Gabe ... what’s going on?” Jenna asked seriously, not waiting for him to sit down or even pull away from the door.

  “Honestly, J, I don’t know everything yet. When Dr. Henderson called this morning, I figured it’d be more of the same—make her rest, make sure she’s not over doing it, keep her relaxed—but it wasn’t that, not anymore.” He shook his head, trying to unscramble the cryptic medical code.

  “She said they were wrong ... What does that even mean?” Jenna implored. She knew Gabe would be straight with her.

  “It means, I suppose, that the medication you were on kept you better for longer, it did more for you than they thought,” he sighed, heaving away from the door to sit beside her in the chair Sophia had pulled over.

  “So what, that’s it? It’s only been three months. They said six—I want six!” Jenna reacted in horror, anger bursting from her chest.

  “I know, babe, I know.” He rested his head on her hand, bent over as though he were deep in prayer.

  “This is bullshit! I want to go home right now. I want to see Mia!” Jenna hiccupped a sob openly.

  “You need to stay here, Jenna. I can’t take you home, baby. I’m sorry,” Gabe cried, his shoulders shook, betraying his composure.

  “For how long?” Jenna wiped angrily at her face with her free hand.

  “I don’t know, honey. Dr. Vaughn will have to ... make that decision.” Gabe continued to cry. Jenna could feel the salty dampness soaking her fingers and the bed beneath them.

  “Okay, okay.” Jenna gave up; she knew agonizing over the situation wasn’t going to help either of them.

  “We’re going to do whatever he says, and we’ll be okay,” Gabe promised, pulling upwards and sinking back into the tattered chair, propping his feet up on the metal foot rails.

  “Did you tell Mia? Does she have any idea?” Jenna wanted to hold her little girl; her arms ached for the weight of her child.

  “No. She wasn’t awake when we left,” Gabe answered, shaking his head side to side.

  “Good, she doesn’t need to know yet, at least until we know more. I want to be the one to tell her anyway.” Jenna nodded, her daughter was still blissfully unaware that her whole world was about to implode. A few more hours of sleep and childhood would never hurt, and she wished that innocence could stretch on forever.

  Gabe nodded once and closed his eyes.

  “Gabe?” Jenna pressed on her, voice angling upward.

  “Do you need me to call the nurse?” Ga
be answered automatically. Years of sitting bedside in a hospital while his wife’s life squandered away had trained him well.

  “No. I want to talk.” Jenna propped herself up against the stack of plastic sleeved pillows.

  “Jenna you should rest until Dr. Vaugh get’s here,” Gabe began patiently.

  “Not about what you don’t know Gabe, but rather, about what you do know,” Jenna entreated. “I want to clear some things up, so that no matter what happens today, we’re on a path to do what’s best for you and what’s best for Mia.”

  “Didn’t we just talk about this last night?” Gabe muttered

  “Sort of, but this is different.”

  “All right, I’m listening.” Gabe leaned back, crossing his arms in full attention.

  “I am making tapes for Mia. It’s my way of staying with her, long after this fight is over and I’m gone. I want to trust you with those tapes. There are 10 of them, each goes along with a major milestone when she’d probably turn to me for advice, or understanding.” Jenna clasped her hands in her lap and went on.

  “I’m doing this as much for her as I am for you. I know that being a single father will come with a set of challenges, and I hope this will make it easier for you.”

  “Jesus Christ, Jenna!” Gabe roared, shoving the chair backwards so it clanged, falling violently against the scuffed floor. “Really? Now? This is when you thought it’d be easiest to tell me? Do I not have enough to process?” He paced the floor aggressively.

  “I know, this isn’t how I planned to tell you, believe me. But, I was going to tell you this weekend,” Jenna expressed sensibly, fighting against the part of herself that wanted to crawl into a ball and weep endlessly.

  “I have enough to deal with Jenna, really, I do. I don’t want to do this right now, can you understand that?” he quietly asked her, his eyes red rimmed and furious.

  “Gabe, please ... ” Jenna appealed.

  “I don’t want to sound like an asshole, I don’t want make this harder on you. I know that you’re going through hell right now and that you’re trying, in your way, to make me see things from your side ... but, please, I just can’t.” Gabe turned to face the small window.