Antebellum

by R. Kayeen Thomas

  “DAD!”

  I had been yelling out for my father in my sleep, and the sound of my own voice woke me. I sat up on my bed, and tried to rub the image of my father fading into the distance from my eyes. Slowly, I stood and paced back and forth across my room. I felt as if he was standing somewhere in the room, and the feeling made the hair on my forearms stand up.

  “Was it worth it?”

  I heard the words, and even though I felt my mouth move, I knew I wasn’t the one speaking. I ran over to the door and left the room before I had the chance to turn pale.

  I wasn’t sure of the time, but the sun was no longer in the sky. I could hear Big Mama, Mama, and SaTia’s voices echoing off the walls in the living room. As I made my way down the stairs, I looked at all the familiar pictures on the wall. Big Mama had always kept a bunch of old, black and white photos on the wall. They’d been there since I was young, and I’d long since ignored them. Now, though, I stopped and looked at each one. They each seemed to call out to me, as if the pictures knew something about me that I didn’t. I stared at each photo, trying to figure out why they were drawing me closer. And then, five steps from the bottom, I saw it. Hanging there on the wall, where it had always been, I saw it and my mouth fell open. I stared at the small photo, in a frame no larger than my shoe, and allowed the color to drain from my face. The photo contained two women, adorned in dresses and clearly tired from a hard day’s work. The woman on the left I did not recognize, but the woman on the right almost stopped my heart cold.

  It was Sarah.

  With my hands shaking, I took the picture off the wall and walked slowly into the living room. The women fell silent when they saw me. I could see the concern on each of their faces.

  “Baby?” Big Mama reached out to grab my hand. “You gon’ be alright?”

  Instead of grabbing her hand, I put the picture down on her palm and pointed to it.

  “This thing here?” She laughed, holding the picture in front of her face. “Lawd, I cain’t tell you how long it’s been since my mama gave me that! Now the lady on the right, I never knew who she was. Nobody ever told me. But the one on the left, that’s my Aunt Elizabeth. She was Mama’s great-great-aunt. They says she was a powerful woman. Say she gave prophecies to slaves.”

  I looked at Big Mama, then at the picture she grasped in her hand, and I knew it was time. I felt Roka and Sarah nudge me on the back of my shoulder blades.

  “Big Mama...Mama...SaTia...”

  At the sound of my voice, Mama dropped the full cup of coffee she held in her hand..

  SaTia probably didn’t know how to feel. She sat there with her mouth open and her face contorted in a mass of unclear emotions.

  Big Mama just smiled and shook her head. She looked back at Mama and SaTia with a grin on her face. “Told y’all she was a powerful woman...”

  I smiled at my grandmother, and then turned to face them all once again. It was the first time they’d heard me speak since I’d first come out of my coma.

  “Big Mama...Mama...SaTia...I’m ready to tell y’all what happened to me.”

  I turned around so that my back was facing them and took off my shirt, revealing the scars from Bradley’s whip. My gift from the Talbert plantation.

  SaTia became instantly enraged. “Who did this to you? Was it somebody from the hospital? Who did this?”

  “Jesus...” Mama looked at my back in horror.

  I noticed after a few seconds that I didn’t hear Big Mama’s reaction. When I turned to see her, she had her rough, calloused hand over her mouth. As her hand began to shake, tears formed and dripped from her eyes like a leaky faucet. It was my first time seeing her cry.

  “I know exactly what them are,” she said, choking out the words.

  In that moment, the empty space beside Big Mama on the couch was the only one that felt comfortable. I sat down and grabbed Big Mama’s hand.

  “Speak, child,” she whispered, and looked me dead in my face.

  I took a deep breath and looked around the room at the ladies. Again, like clockwork, I saw the commander standing in the corner, in the distance behind my mother. He looked intently at me, and I could tell he had seen the scars on my back as well.

  As I sat back, I kept Big Mama’s hand in mine.

  “After I got shot, out there, on the porch...well...I woke up in a field...”

  As the sounds of the night played on, I relived my past life.

  17

  The afternoon sun tiptoed across my face as my eyes fluttered open. The world was becoming more concrete by the second. I didn’t wonder where I was, or how I’d gotten here; instead, my thoughts raced back to last night. To the faces of my family as I’d described to them all that I’d been through. They’d hardly blinked as I’d described what it was like to be caged and fed garbage, or to have my bones broken in order for them to heal properly, or to urinate on myself whenever a white person came into the room.

  I could tell they didn’t want to believe me. To chalk the whole story up to some psychotic break would have been easier for everyone, including me. But they’d sat by my bedside and been with me every second I’d been awake from my coma. They knew, though they may not have wanted to, that there was no explanation for the marks on my back except that my story was true.

  We’d been up all night. I’d gone from not uttering a single word, to talking for almost six hours without interruption. I turned over every detail of my alternate life and exposed it. There were times when I looked up and everyone was weeping, and I realized I was shedding tears as well. Other times I had to catch myself, realizing that I was shouting at the top of my lungs. When I finished, I was too weak to move, but so were my family members. They’d taken a portion of my cross and borne it on their own backs. Eventually it was the commander who—as the birds sang the credit music to my story—took each of us and led us to our respective rooms.

  If he was tired, he didn’t show it. I figured he’d been trained not to. But as he silently helped me up the stairs, I had the chance to glance in his eyes. I could tell he’d taken a piece of my cross, too.

  I’d slept straight through to the afternoon, and now that I was awake, I wondered what to do? Where do I go? Who do I talk to? I’d finally told someone about what had happened to me, but that was just the first part. I still didn’t know who I was yet. I only knew who I wasn’t.

  It suddenly occurred to me that I could make the decision to just stay in my room for the rest of my life. That way I’d have all the time I could ever want to figure myself out. As soon as I stepped out my door, however, I knew everyone would expect that I knew who I was. No doubt Big Mama, Mama, and SaTia had come to their own conclusions about who I was—or who I should be—now that they knew what had happened. And everyone outside of the house was still expecting the same man who’d gotten shot on the porch to emerge better than ever.

  I decided I wouldn’t leave the room until I had some idea of the person I had become. It would be too dangerous. Preparing mentally to stay confined in my room for an undetermined amount of time, I walked over to the window. I wondered how long it would be until I lay my feet on the small patch of grass outside, and then I turned my head, realizing I was depressing myself.

  And that’s when I saw it.

  It lay underneath the desk, in the shadows cast down by the open drawer. I would have never noticed it, except the sunlight was coming into the room just at the right angle to reflect off of its screen. Slowly I walked over and reached down, closing the drawer, revealing the iPod lying there on the ground. After turning it on and entering the code, I scrolled through the music. It had every last one of my albums on it, from the first one I’d done with the local studio, to Hoes In Da Attic.

  I could hear the whisper of Sarah’s voice through the touch screen.

  “You can’t knowed who you is till you knowed who you was befo.’”

  I put the headphones in my ears and scrolled up to the very first album under my name. Hitting play, I l
et the familiar bassline wash over me, and studied every word like a chemistry book.

  Some hours later, I emerged from my room with my head spinning and my chest tight. My own words had tried to suffocate me. I stumbled down the steps with my lyrics buzzing in my ears around me. I swatted at them like flies and hoped that no one saw me.

  It was early evening by now, but because of the late night we’d all had, the smell of bacon, eggs, and pancakes still met me at the doorway. I stopped briefly before I entered, wondering how my family would treat me now that they knew the truth, and then threw caution to the wind and stepped inside.

  My family members looked like robots. They moved mechanically around the kitchen, doing tasks that were only completed because they were second nature to them. Their eyes still had the same distant glaze from the night prior, and they didn’t utter a word to one another. Big Mama went back and forth between the different eyes of the stove as if she’d been programmed to do so. Mama set the table and started the coffeemaker as if she was a wind-up doll, and SaTia just sat at the table, staring into space. They all looked at me as I came into the room, and I could tell they had everything and nothing to say at the same time. I sat down beside SaTia as Big Mama began putting pancakes on everyone’s plate and Mama poured coffee.

  “I wanna have a press conference today,” I said assuredly to SaTia, waking her from her daze. “I wanna call back all the news people who was out here yesterday, and I wanna talk to ’em.”

  “Are you sure that’s the best idea, Moses? Maybe you should think a little about what you want to say first.”

  “I been up in my room for the last couple hours doin’ nothin’ but thinkin’, SaTia. Now that I’m startin’ to know who I am, I wanna tell people. I wanna let people know.”

  “Alright,” she said, picking up her cell phone. “It’s done. They’ll be outside in two hours.”

  “Also, can you contact Dr. Bailey for me? You know, from the hospital? I wanna talk to him.”

  “That’s not a problem. Anything else?”

  “Yeah. I wanna take you on a date.”

  The last line caught everyone’s attention. I heard the snap of Mama and Big Mama’s necks as they whipped their heads around to stare at me. SaTia dropped her BlackBerry in her pancake syrup.

  “You...what?” she said.

  “I wanna take you on a date. I’d ask you to marry me, but I think you need to get to know me first. I ain’t the same person I used to be.”

  Mama laughed out loud as SaTia looked at me as if I was a newfound fool.

  “Moses, do we need to take you back to the hospital? Are you feeling okay?”

  “I’m fine, SaTia. You don’t have to ask me that anymore, okay? Look, I love you. I’ve loved you since high school. And if you ain’t love me, you wouldn’t have put up with me for as long as you have.”

  Big Mama set the hot skillet on top of the table to listen to our conversation. I ignored the smell of the burning tablecloth as I went on.

  “I wasn’t ready for you before. Now I am. So let me take you out.”

  I watched SaTia transform in front of my eyes. She began with the shocked eyes and mouth wide open look that I’d expected. But as she slowly sat back in her chair, the realization that I was serious seemed to fall over her like a fog, and before I knew it, she had reached into a hidden place inside herself and brought Ella out to meet me.

  “You were hiding her,” I said as if I’d just seen a magic trick.

  By the time SaTia got relaxed and comfortable, she didn’t have to say a word. Her eyes, her moves, and her body said it all.

  This was the SaTia that Da Nigga never got to see.

  “What makes you think you’re ready for me now?” Her voice sounded like sex on a bed full of roses. I had to remind myself that my mother and grandmother were still in the room.

  “It’s not a thought,” I responded matter-of-factly. “It’s a promise. I can handle whatever you got, and still be your king when the sun comes up.”

  She was impressed. I could tell by the notes in her laughter and the shift of her legs.

  “So, you gonna let me take you out?” I pressed.

  “Yeah, I guess,” she said nonchalantly, as if the subject had suddenly become unimportant. “I don’t have anything else to do.”

  “Actually, you do. You gotta manage the career of the biggest rap star in the world during a transition that’ll probably make ’im lose all his fans.”

  “Yeah, well, I’ve got that...but that’s it.”

  I leaned forward to her and lost myself. “Marry me.”

  “Why?”

  “Cause you’re my mic.”

  “What happened to waiting?”

  “Who has the time?”

  “You’ve been in a coma for six months.”

  “Exactly.”

  “You said I didn’t know you anymore.”

  “I was wrong.”

  “I know you were.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Where would the fun have been in that? I’d have missed you bending over backwards trying to introduce me to someone I already knew.”

  I shook my head, amazed by the woman.

  “Marry me,” I repeated.

  “I married you when I took this job, Moses. You just never bought the ring.”

  She leaned forward and laid her lips on mine. For a moment, I thought I’d been shot in the chest again.

  When she pulled away, I could see the vulnerability in her eyes.

  “If you hurt me...”

  “Then you’d survive, ’cause you’re that strong. I wouldn’t. So I can’t.”

  “Moses...”

  “I told you, you’re my mic. No one hears me unless I’m with you.”

  “Is that enough?”

  “It is now.”

  THUD! THUD! THUD!

  Three solid strikes sounded at the front door, and I saw a blur pass outside the kitchen window and head toward the front door.

  The mercenary, I thought to myself. Man, he was there the whole time!

  Instantly, SaTia and I fell back into our normal roles.

  “Oh! Moses, I forgot to tell you that the guys were coming back over. I had planned to tell you at the table but I forgot.”

  “It’s cool. Is that them?”

  “I hope so.”

  I got up and walked out of the kitchen. My protector was standing off to the side of the door. He held his pistol with one hand, and moved the cover to the peephole with the other as he cautiously looked through.

  “It’s your colleagues from yesterday, sir. The same three men.”

  “Okay, they can come in.”

  The soldier swiftly opened the door, letting Ray, Brian, and Henry back into the house, and then stepped off to the side and talked into his radio.

  “Packman, this is Alpha, come in.”

  “Packman here.”

  “Why was I not notified of the three men coming to the door?”

  “1800 hours, Alpha. We off the clock and ready to roll. Waitin’ for you in the truck.”

  The soldier they called Alpha held the radio up to his mouth, but didn’t say anything. The news had taken him by surprise, and it seemed as if he was struggling to decide what to do. I looked at him for a while, and then followed my friends back into the living room. SaTia sat with her laptop out, ready to take notes. When I walked in, she kept her eyes on her computer screen.

  Brian got comfortable on the couch and looked up at SaTia.

  “How’s Moses doin’?”

  “I’m good,” I answered.

  Ray stood too fast and ended up falling backward out of his seat. Henry missed his chair entirely. They both hit the ground and popped right up together.

  “What the hell!” They sounded like a duet.

  “Yeah, he started talking last night, fellas,” SaTia said. “He’s actually had a lot to say since the last time you saw him.”

  Brian hadn’t quite closed his mouth yet. He
looked at me as if he was looking at a ghost.

  “Mo...Moses?”

  “Yeah, dogg, it’s me. You seen me yesterday; why y’all actin’ so crazy?”

  “Nigga, you wasn’t talkin’ yesterday! You was goin’ around pointin’ at stuff like a retard!”

  I felt the red lines coming back into my vision, but SaTia grabbed my arm and massaged my hand.

  “He doesn’t know, Moses,” she whispered.

  She was right. I closed my eyes and felt my anger fade.

  “You aight, man?” Brian noticed that something was bothering me. “Yo, I ain’t mean nothin’ serious by the retard thing, man. I’m jus’ sayin’...it’s...it’s good to hear your voice again, my nigga... that’s all.”

  I had to laugh at him. He meant well. “It’s all good.”

  “Yo!” Henry made his way to the middle of the floor with excitement written all over his face. “Yo, we can hit da streets for real now, cuz! My mans is back and in full effect! Yo, we ’bout ta turn dis whole world upside down!”

  “Slow down, homie, slow down!” I stood and placed my hand on Henry’s shoulder. “We gotta talk first, man. Things ain’t da same as they used to be.”

  “What’s changed?” My friends’ excitement quickly turned into nervous curiosity as they sat down.

  “Well, first, I can’t do—”

  “Ah, excuse me, sir.”

  I looked over to see that the lead soldier was standing directly to my left. I was too curious to be annoyed. “Yeah, what’s up?”

  “I...ahh...well...”

  It was weird seeing him stumble over his words as if I was watching a law of nature being broken.

  “Ah...the contract that you all had with my company...the time has expired on it.”

  “Oh, yes, I know,” SaTia said, and turned around and looked at the soldier from her seat. “I’ve got another outfit on the way. They aren’t as impressive, but they’re a lot less expensive. I just wanted to make sure that we had over and above what we needed getting out of the hospital and staying our first night in the house. Tell Mr. Tooley I said thank you, and that you all did an outstanding job.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”