The Hornbeam Tree

by Susan Lewis

  ‘So what did Jolyon Kember have to say?’ she asked, cutting her mind free from the Brazilian whore.

  ‘Quite a lot actually,’ he answered.

  As he brought her up to date he opened a bottle of wine and lifted two glasses from under the counter top. She watched as he poured and felt her heart tighten, for she loved his hands, and just wished she could stop herself imagining them on Andraya.

  ‘Does Tom know about all this?’ she asked, when he’d finished.

  ‘He already suspected most of it, but yes, he knows I’ve had a visit.’

  He passed her a drink, and as their eyes met she had a horrible feeling he had read her thoughts about Andraya. But that was impossible, and even if he had, they were hers, not his, and if she didn’t stop doing this she was going to push him in the very direction she didn’t want him to go.

  ‘Cheers,’ he said.

  ‘Cheers,’ she echoed.

  They drank, then both started to speak at once.

  ‘You first,’ he said.

  ‘No, you.’

  ‘I was just saying I got some fillet steaks for dinner,’ he told her.

  ‘I bought some too, though mine are salmon.’

  ‘We can have those if you prefer.’

  ‘No. Yours will be better. We can have the salmon tomorrow. Or we can freeze it,’ she added, remembering her arrangement to see Nick tomorrow.

  His eyes stayed on her and she felt her heart twist. What was he thinking, she wondered. Did she really want to know? Not unless it was the same as her, that she wanted just to walk around the bar now and put her arms around him. And she might have, were she not sensing a resistance in him that made her afraid to attempt it.

  ‘Are you hungry?’ he asked, glancing at the clock. ‘I could start preparing something now.’

  ‘Then I’ll go and take a shower,’ she answered. ‘Or I could help.’

  ‘There’s not much to do.’

  As she walked up the spiral staircase to their master suite, he couldn’t stop himself wondering if she had somehow managed to see Nick before coming here, and that was the real reason she was going for a shower now. He’d had the same thought when she’d walked in the door, that she’d just come from van Zant, which was why he’d made no attempt to kiss her – and the fact that van Zant’s name hadn’t been mentioned yet was almost seeming to confirm his suspicions. Maybe he should be the one to bring it up, but there wasn’t much in him that actually wanted to acknowledge the man’s existence, never mind the role he was playing in Laurie’s life. He just hoped to God she wasn’t going to tell him that the role was about to become permanent.

  Taking a generous mouthful of wine, he began preparing some canapés. He had to stop thinking this way or he’d never get through the next hours with his temper in check, and losing it wasn’t going to help either of them. Already he knew he wasn’t handling things well, for the distance between them was almost palpable, but though he wanted nothing more than to close it, he just didn’t know how. He thought of her upstairs now, in the shower, the water cascading over her, and the way he would normally join her after they’d been apart for a while, but the suspicion that it was van Zant’s hands she wanted on her kept him where he was, for he could hardly think of anything worse than inciting her revulsion.

  By the time she came down again he’d prepared a small plate of canapés, which he’d set on the bar, and was now chopping peppers and mushrooms to go with the steaks. He glanced up as he heard her on the stairs, and seeing her still brushing her damp hair, with no make-up on her face, and a casual T-shirt dress that showed she probably wore nothing underneath, he felt the fear of losing her tear through him so brutally he had to turn away. Just how the hell was he going to handle this, he was asking himself angrily. Someone please show him the way, because right now he could barely even think of his next move, never mind his next words.

  As she came to the other side of the bar and helped herself to a canapé she began talking about Tom again. ‘He’s too high profile,’ she said. ‘If he disappears, or they put him in prison, questions will be asked, and we have the answers.’

  ‘But not the proof,’ he responded. ‘Right now, those documents could have come from anywhere,’ and keeping his eyes on what he was doing, he added, ‘does Nick have any more of the ’97 version yet?’

  Only able to look at him because he wasn’t looking at her, she said, ‘Yes. He brought it back with him.’

  ‘So when can we expect to see something?’

  ‘Tomorrow.’

  Still he kept his face averted. ‘Is he bringing it here?’

  ‘No. I’m going there.’

  For several minutes he said nothing, only concentrated on dropping the vegetables into hot oil, and unwrapping the steaks. ‘So you haven’t been with him today?’ he said finally, wiping his hands with a tea towel.

  ‘No. You know where I was today.’

  ‘You’ve spoken to him though.’

  ‘Yes.’

  He nodded, then turned to lower the gas. ‘Would you prefer to be there now?’

  ‘No, of course not.’

  At last he looked at her, and though his expression was as harsh as his manner there was no mistaking the pain in his eyes. ‘So just how serious is it between you?’ he asked.

  It was a question she’d dreaded, for she knew she wasn’t going to give him the answer he wanted, and her face was pale, her voice horribly strained as she said, ‘I – I don’t know.’

  He turned away, but she knew the doubt had hurt him deeply, and immediately she wished she could take the words back. But even if she could, what would she say in their place?

  For a while neither of them spoke, until finally she said, ‘I’m not doing it to punish you.’

  His irony was bleak as he replied, ‘Maybe it would be better if you were.’

  She watched him pluck a garlic bulb from a hanging stem and break it apart. ‘Do you want me to give him up?’ she said.

  His eyes came briefly to hers. ‘If that’s what you want to do,’ he responded.

  Though his answer annoyed her, she should have known better than to try and push him into making the decision for her, so after taking a sip of wine she stared down at her glass and tried asking herself what she really wanted. Of course it was him, being here now she wondered that she could ever have been in any doubt, but how the hell were they going to get past all the hurt there was between them? How was she ever going to be sure that he wouldn’t be tempted by another Andraya, or indeed by the one who was only a few miles away right now?

  Looking up, she found to her surprise that he was watching her, and as she looked back she couldn’t help wondering what it would mean to him if she left. Would he be totally devastated, just as she had been when he’d gone? Would he feel as though his life couldn’t go on, that nothing made any sense without her, or even mattered any more? It was hard to imagine someone like him falling victim to such debilitating feelings, or becoming so stuck in his pain that he couldn’t move on.

  ‘I wish I knew what you wanted,’ she told him.

  Seeming surprised, he said, ‘You can be in any doubt?’

  ‘If that means it’s me, then you have a funny way of showing it.’

  There was a note of impatience in his voice as he said, ‘Did you consider that I might be finding it difficult to behave normally when I know you’re sleeping with another man, and that you’re not intending to give him up?’

  ‘I didn’t say that,’ she retorted. ‘I asked if you wanted me to …’

  ‘I know what you asked and I gave you my answer.’

  She took a breath, but he hadn’t finished.

  ‘I’ve wanted to think,’ he said, ‘that what you’re doing is some kind of payback, but you seem to be telling me it goes much deeper than that.’

  Her eyes went down as she said, ‘All I know is that I love you and I don’t want this to be happening, but when I’m with him it’s as though it’s something … something
I need and …’ She stopped, realizing how hard this had to be for him to hear.

  It was how he’d felt about Andraya, he was thinking, at the mercy of a passion that he hadn’t found the will to resist, and knowing how intense his feelings had been, and how much he had put at stake because of them, left him in no doubt of what he was facing now.

  Needing to know what he was thinking, if she was right about his feelings, she said, ‘Don’t you feel angry? Doesn’t it do anything to you to think of me with …?’

  ‘Of course it does,’ he cut in sharply. ‘And yes, I’m angry. And jealous and frankly I’d like to kill him, but is that going to change anything? You’ll do what you want to do, whatever you feel compelled to do, and it won’t matter how I feel, because as you just told me, you can’t make it stop.’

  She was so close now to throwing Andraya in his face that she had to remind herself fiercely that if she went that route, she was the one who’d end up being hurt. ‘Tell me,’ she said, her voice edged in bitterness, ‘when you talk to Nick on the phone, how does it feel? Can you put all this aside and pretend it’s not happening?’

  ‘If I have to,’ he said shortly.

  ‘You can compartmentalize me that easily?’

  He didn’t answer, but he didn’t have to, because she knew he could. Detesting him for it, she got up to go and set the table. If they didn’t stop this now they really would end up saying things they’d regret.

  After laying out the cutlery and table mats, she unwrapped the candles and put them in the six oriental holders that formed a line down the centre of the table. She didn’t imagine either of them was in the mood for romance right now, but she was eager to do something to defuse the tension and though it seemed naive to expect soft lights to do it, at least they were unlikely to make it any worse. In fact, by the time she’d lit the other candles around the room and turned down the lamps she was starting to feel a little more relaxed, and even slightly hungry thanks to the smells coming from the kitchen.

  ‘What music would you like?’ she asked, going to the CD player.

  ‘You choose.’

  As she went through their collection she couldn’t help wondering what would happen if she selected Die Fledermaus, or Tristan und Isolde, or Carmen, for they almost never listened to opera without making love. She recalled the words he’d misquoted from La Bohème, when he’d asked her to take him back after Andraya: Sappi per tuo governo, che darei perdono in sempiterno. For your future guidance, I would be constantly forgiving you. What would he say if she reminded him of that now? But it wasn’t his forgiveness she doubted, it was his fidelity, and there were never any guarantees about that.

  She looked up as the phone rang, and felt slightly breathless as she waited to find out who it was. If it turned out to be Andraya she was certain she’d walk out now and go straight to Nick, but when she realized it was her father, she relaxed again and chose a jazz diva medley to put on the CD.

  ‘He sends his love,’ Elliot said, putting the phone down a couple of minutes later.

  ‘Didn’t he want to speak to me?’

  His eyes appeared droll as he said, ‘Apparently not.’

  She smiled and came back to the bar.

  ‘He was just letting me know that he’s received the cheque I sent.’

  Realizing it must be to cover the expenses her father had incurred before the wedding was cancelled, she said, ‘Is he going to cash it?’

  ‘He’s saying it’s too much, so we need to discuss it.’

  Deciding to leave that to them, she refilled their wine glasses and drank deeply as she wished it was three months ago, when her dress was being made, the church was already booked, and they’d just moved into this apartment and neither of them had even known either Nick or Andraya. Then remembering how stressed she’d been back then, she decided it wasn’t such a perfect time after all. That had come later, when they were in Bali, a long, long way from reality. They’d been able to laugh then, in a way they weren’t able to now, and talk without fear of hurting each other. She hadn’t even worried about what he was thinking, the way she was now, though Andraya must have been in his mind, because she knew very well Nick had been in hers.

  ‘Do you ever think about her?’ she asked suddenly.

  His eyebrows went up, then realizing who she meant his face immediately darkened. ‘Not if I can help it,’ he answered.

  ‘But if something comes up on the radio, or in a newspaper, maybe about Brazil, or art, or when you speak to Chris … You must think about her then.’

  ‘I told you, not if I can help it.’

  ‘What about when we make love?’

  His jaw tightened. ‘Why are you doing this?’

  She looked at him for a moment, then turned away and sighed. ‘I don’t know,’ she replied.

  His eyes were still hard as he regarded her, then in a tone that surprised and annoyed her, he said, ‘Maybe you’re trying to use my guilt to blot out your own.’

  ‘Well maybe I am,’ she retorted hotly, and drinking more wine, she got up and walked away.

  It was only as she approached the window and saw her reflection that she realized she was feeling aroused. It shocked her to think she could be responding this way at such a time, but there was no doubt that her nipples were tight, and a gentle heat between her legs was making her wet. Just what the heck was going on inside her that she could actually want sex right now? And was it Elliot she wanted, or Nick? She didn’t dare look back over her shoulder for she knew it was him. She imagined herself pressed up against the counter, or spread out on the sofa with him. Would he do it now if she took off her dress and asked him? Would seeing her naked arouse him as intensely as the thought of him naked was arousing her? Or would the brazenness remind him of Andraya?

  She took another gulp of wine, and almost as swiftly as it had come, the arousal subsided. She continued to gaze out at the night, and felt strangely sad, and even vaguely bereft. Her eyes moved to Elliot’s reflection and she wondered about the gulf that seemed to keep opening and closing between them. Would they ever bridge it? At moments she felt sure they would, then at others she wasn’t even certain she wanted to.

  Finally the meal was ready and she carried their plates to the table, while Elliot brought in the wine. He wasn’t sure who’d drunk the most from the previous bottle, but it had gone down quickly, and he guessed the next one might too.

  As they started to eat he filled the silence by asking about Katie, how she was, how the interview had gone, and whether she’d committed to making the programme. Laurie answered, drank more wine, and watched him in the candlelight. For a while she felt oddly detached, as though she were dining in a dream, or with a stranger, then she looked at him across the table and felt such a surge of love that her appetite fled and her eyes filled with tears. Quickly she blinked them back and forced herself to go on eating.

  ‘Tell me, is he expecting you to end it between us tonight?’ he said abruptly.

  Unable even to pretend she was hungry now, she put down her knife and fork and reached for her glass. ‘No. I – I don’t know,’ she said.

  ‘Did you tell him you would?’

  ‘Not exactly, no. I – ’

  His face was turning pale as he said, ‘Do you want to end it? If you do, let’s finally get it out in the open and stop all this.’

  ‘No, I don’t want to end it. I told you, I love you and I don’t want to lose you …’

  ‘But you don’t want to give him up. Then maybe you should spend some time with him, find out what it is you do want.’

  She looked at him and beneath the angry reaction to his words she felt herself aching with the hurt it would cause him if she did that. Then she thought about Nick and being with him all the time, and felt so confused she just couldn’t think any more.

  ‘Where is he tonight?’ he asked.

  ‘He’s at home I think. Elliot, please, let’s stop doing this.’

  He bit back the response that sprang to hi
s lips and picked up his wine. She was right, they were hurting each other – or, more accurately, he was trying to hurt her, and what purpose would that serve when he wanted to keep her, not push her away?

  Long minutes ticked by. They attempted to carry on eating, though without much success. In the end, she said, ‘Can I come and sit with you?’

  Surprised, and not entirely sure he understood, he watched as she left her place and came to sit on his lap.

  ‘I love you so much,’ she murmured, burying her face in his neck.

  He kissed the top of her head and held her close. ‘I love you too,’ he said gruffly. Then tilting her chin up, he ran his thumb over her lips and gazed deeply into her eyes. ‘Are you going to eat any more?’ he asked.

  ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘Then let’s go and sit down.’

  Taking her hand he led her over to the sofa, where he pulled her back on to his lap and rested his head on hers. For a while they simply listened to the music, and felt their closeness as powerfully as they always had. In this moment it just didn’t seem possible that he’d lose her, for he could feel her love as though it were flowing into him, and was certain she must be able to feel his too. This was how they had been in Bali, completely together, needing no-one else, and knowing they could get past their difficulties because they loved each other so much. It was sobering to realize how readily they had believed in their relationship then, yet how fragile it actually was now they could no longer deny that it lacked the vital element of trust.

  With her thoughts travelling to the same part of the world, though connecting with a more lighthearted memory, Laurie started to smile as she said, ‘Do you remember the monkeys in Bali? The one that wouldn’t get off your head?’

  He laughed. ‘And the flaming creature’s balls dropping in my eyes? How could I forget?’