All This Love

by Belle Calhoune

  “You look scared to death, Heath. Don’t worry. You’re not the one who’s going to be giving birth.” Bella’s spoke in a teasing tone. She was clearly trying to lighten the tension crackling between them.

  “I-I want to do the right thing,” he blurted out.

  Bella frowned. “What do you mean by that? It sounds very dramatic.”

  He let out a snort. “Dramatic? You’re almost six months pregnant and I’m just finding out about it today. That strikes me as a bit dramatic.”

  Bella sighed. Her expression softened. “I know this must be overwhelming for you, Heath. I’ve had months to get used to the idea. I’m sorry you were blindsided, but I honestly didn’t know how best to handle it with all of the health challenges I was going through.” Her lips quivered. “I honestly wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to carry the baby past the first trimester. I prayed really hard for God’s protection.”

  “I should have been there for you,” he said. “I wish I would have known.” He felt like a failure yet again. He hadn’t been there when she’d needed him the most. What would he have done anyway to support her? He had barely been able to get up in the morning after their break-up. His depression and PTSD had intensified until he had sought out treatment. Although he wasn’t cured by any means, there was now a light at the end of the tunnel. Had he waited too long to reach out to Bella? From the looks of it, she’d found a way to move on without him.

  Bella poured water from the kettle into the two mugs. She brought the mugs over to the table and placed one down in front of Heath. She sat down across from him and began stirring her tea with a spoon. Her head was tipped down so he couldn’t see her expression. He kept quiet, sensing she was gathering her thoughts.

  She swung her gaze up. Her blue-green eyes were filled with a hint of sadness. “If I had to do it over again, I would have told you right away. It was just so complicated.” She shook her head. “I know that’s not a good excuse, but it’s how I felt. I never expected to be in this position. But that’s a whole ‘nother story.”

  Guilt engulfed him. Being intimate with Bella had been a mistake, pure and simple. It had been out of character for both of them. They had both been in a vulnerable position after he’d returned to the States from military duty. She had felt as if their entire relationship was dissolving. Heath had felt as if his grip on reality was slipping away from him. He wasn’t going to make any excuses about it. All he could do moving forward was to support Bella and their child. He knew without a doubt what he needed to do.

  “It’s not right that you’re in this position,” Heath said. “We’re both responsible for this life we created. You shouldn’t have had to put it all on yourself.”

  She sipped a cup of her tea and nodded. “It’s all right. I’ve definitely been getting a few looks around town, but I’ve been keeping a low profile.” She patted her belly with her free hand. “This life growing inside me is the most important thing of all. Way more important than a little discomfort I might feel at being judged.”

  Judged! It burned him up inside to find out people were looking down at Bella. He was a bit surprised word hadn’t gotten back to him regarding Bella’s pregnancy. His family was pretty well-known in Pelican Bay. Their roots were deeply planted in this town. His parents owned a diner called the Silver Spoon that was frequented by most of the residents in Pelican Bay.

  He needed to be proactive. For so long Heath had felt helpless in the face of obstacles that had felt insurmountable to him. He hadn’t been able to cure his depression or rid himself of the lingering despair and shock he felt over witnessing his best friend’s death. But now—faced with Bella’s pregnancy, he felt a swell of confidence flow over him. He wasn’t powerless in this situation.

  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. The verse from Philippians ran through his mind. He could do this! He wouldn’t make a mess of it.

  “We need to get married, Bella. Right away.”

  **

  Married?

  Once upon a time Bella had wanted to hear those words from Heath’s lips more than anything in the world. But that had been before he had lost a piece of himself in the military, well before he had seen his best friend die before his very eyes. Vinny’s violent death had only made things much worse for Heath. Her dreams of walking down the aisle with the man of her dreams had occurred well before he had sunk into a depression and she’d lost the ability to get through to him. Back then she had allowed herself to dream about happily-ever-afters and happy endings. It had all come to a crashing halt when Heath had broken her heart by ending their relationship. He’d told her it was for the best since he was nothing more than a shell of a man.

  She had been shattered. And the one person she had wanted to wrap her up in his arms and comfort her hadn’t been there for her. He had disappeared like a ghost. She had been left all alone to pick up the broken pieces of her life.

  “Married?” she asked in a bewildered voice. Maybe she had misheard him?

  “Yes,” he said with a firm nod of his head. “It makes sense, Bella. Let’s do this right and give the baby the best shot at a great life.”

  For a moment all she could do was gaze at Heath. He was so extremely good looking. Heath. Her sweet, gentle Heath. With his dark brown hair, blue eyes and olive complexion, he was a head turner. Women always tended to stare at Heath. The mix of Hispanic and Scottish was mesmerizing. It used to make her jealous when other women had tried to get his attention, but Heath had made it clear time after time that she was the only one he wanted. Forever, he used to say.

  “I would have given anything to have you ask me to marry you five months ago. To tell you the truth, I used to dream about it when you were overseas. I used to fantasize about how you’d do it and what the ring would look like. I have actually walked past bridal shop windows and imagined what kind of dress I would select for our wedding.” She clenched her jaw. “I was willing to go the distance with you. Whatever it took. I was in it through the good times and the bad.” Her stomach clenched as dark memories washed over her. “But you didn’t feel the same way. When life threw obstacles in our path, you gave up. You threw me away.” All the anger was coming back and she had to force herself to take shallow breaths. Being in an angry frame of mind wasn’t good for the baby. She had vowed months ago to let go of her fury so she could make it through the pregnancy and bring this precious life to fruition.

  Heath reached across the table and clasped her hand. Goosebumps popped up on her arms due to the unexpected contact. It had been so long since she’d been touched by Heath. It was one of the things she missed most about him—the gentle way he’d always treated her.

  “I know I hurt you, but I was being cruel to be kind. I was really at a low point back then, Bella. I felt like I was dragging you down with my PTSD and other stuff I’ve been dealing with. It felt like the walls were caving in on me.”

  Bella raised an eyebrow. “Other stuff? Like what?” She had no idea what Heath was talking about which was part of the problem. He had hidden things from her—issues he didn’t want to face head-on. Every time she had asked him about his birth mother, Heath had been tight-lipped. All Bella knew was that she had died when he was a young child of six or seven. Then he had gone to foster care, which led to his adoption by the Donahue family.

  Heath let go of her hand and squirmed in his seat. “Stuff from childhood. Things you don’t know about, Bella.”

  She let out a ragged sigh. “Yes, because you never fully let me in. It took me years and years to realize it. We were together since high school, yet I still don’t know the story of you.”

  “I admit to being closed off regarding my past, Bella. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t get married.”

  “I don’t need you to rescue me. We’re going to be fine, the baby and me.” She tilted her chin up high. “I’ll never stop you from being a part of this child’s life. You’ll always be his or her father, but I don’t need you to be my husband.
The only reason I will ever get married is because I believe that it’s a lifetime commitment, not something based on fear or regret. It’s honorable to want to do the right thing, but I don’t need to be rescued, Heath. I’m way stronger than I ever realized.”

  “I’m not trying to rescue you. I just want our child to be given a strong foundation. There’s nothing as solid as being raised in a household with two parents.”

  “That’s not true really,” Bella said. “The most loving thing you can do for your child is to love his or her mother. Growing up, I always knew how fervently my father loved and adored my mother. It gave me legs to stand on.”

  Heath’s eyes widened. “I do love you, Bella. I always have.”

  Bella felt a pang in the region of her heart. How she had ached to hear those words from Heath’s lips for the last five months. But she hadn’t heard a single word from him. And now he was suggesting marriage for the sake of their child. Although she loved her baby more than her own life, Bella couldn’t agree to a marriage simply due to their unborn child. She had always been so certain of Heath’s love, but at the moment she doubted it. She’d spent the last five months healing from their break up. During that time, she’d leaned on God first and foremost, followed by her sisters and father. She was way stronger than she’d ever realized.

  She still loved Heath, but she wasn’t sure she could ever trust in their love again. The wounds he had inflicted ran too deep. The hurt went all the way down to her very core.

  Bella didn’t want to look at him. It was far too dangerous for her equilibrium. She needed to guard her heart against Heath. She couldn’t afford a broken heart, not when it had taken her the last five months to even begin to heal.

  “We’re not getting married, Heath. I appreciate the offer, but I have no intention of getting married solely because I’m pregnant.” She held up her hand as he opened his mouth to respond. “Please don’t fight me on this. It won’t do any good. I’ve had to examine myself a lot these past five months. I think we both compromised our principles by becoming intimate before marriage. I can’t change that, but I’ve grown from it. God has been by my side this whole time. Sometimes it felt like He was the only one who understood my pain. Not only was I reeling from our relationship ending, but I lost my best friend. And I had to deal with the baby news all by myself.” She sucked in a deep breath, feeling as if she might break down and cry. The past five months had been brutal beyond belief. It was hard to even put it into words.

  “I’m not the same person you fell in love with, Heath. I’ve changed. And there’s no going back.”

  He shook his head, sorrow emanating from his eyes. “I did that to you, didn’t I?”

  Bella wrapped her hands around her mug and shrugged. “There’s no point in placing blame. It is what it is. We just have to deal with the here and now.”

  Heath ran his hand over his face. He looked exhausted. “It’s getting late, Bella. And you need your rest. You weren’t expecting me to show up. I should go.”

  “Let me walk you out,” she said, standing up and leading the way down the hall toward the front door.

  They stood at the front door facing each other. Bella felt something humming and pulsing in the air between them. She wasn’t about to tell Heath, but she still loved him as much as she ever had. Maybe even more. Being without him had shown her the depth of her feelings for him. Love wasn’t enough though. There were still so many issues looming between them.

  “Night, Bella. I’m going to be checking in on you regularly. I plan to be in this child’s life every step of the way. I know I’ve made it hard for you to trust me, but please believe me when I say I’m in this with you one hundred percent.” Before she knew it, he was leaning in and placing a sweet kiss on her lips. The moment their lips met, Bella felt her knees almost buckling. She pressed her eyes closed and leaned in to the kiss. It had been so long since Heath had kissed her. It felt like an eternity. She knew she should pull away from the kiss, but she was helpless to end it. Heath’s lips tasted like the orange tea she’d just served him. Pure sweetness.

  As they finally pulled apart, Heath whispered her name against her lips. “Bella. I haven’t given up on us. Not by a long shot.”

  She looked up at him, reminding herself not to get lost in his baby blues. Been there, done that, she told herself. Tread carefully.

  Bella gently pushed him away from her. “Goodnight, Heath. We really shouldn’t have done that. It’s blurring the lines. I want to co-parent with you, but that’s all.”

  She watched as a vein throbbed by Heath’s forehead. He looked confused. Kissing him had been foolish. But she couldn’t deny how good it had felt.

  Heath nodded. “Night, Bells,” he said, using his pet nickname for her.

  She closed the door behind him and pressed her back against it. She cradled her arms around her stomach and let out a sigh. Tonight’s turn of events had been unexpected. Heath showing up at her house had turned everything upside down. Seeing him had thrown her off course. Just when she’d thought she was moving past their breakup, the sight of him in the flesh had shown her the cold, hard truth. She still loved him. Fiercely. And she feared she might never stop loving him. Most people had one grand love in their lives if they were lucky. Heath was her one great love.

  At least he now knew the truth about the baby. It had been weighing on her for weeks. Although he’d put on a good act, Bella knew him well enough to know he had been shocked down to his core.

  It had been sweet of him to propose marriage, even though it wasn’t an offer she could accept. Perhaps if he had asked her before seeing her pregnant belly she might have said yes. His proposal had been full of obligation and duty and a sense of responsibility. It hadn’t been based on abiding love for her.

  She rubbed her belly. “Don’t worry, kiddo. We’re going to be just fine. I’m going to love you like nobody’s business. And your daddy is going to think you hung the moon. I just know it. You’re going to be surrounded by love. I promise.” Bella’s words to her unborn child served as a sacred promise. Despite the less than ideal circumstances, she would be the best mother possible. And she knew with all her heart that Heath would move heaven and earth to be a fantastic father. If they couldn’t be together any longer, it soothed her soul to know he would be a part of their child’s life.

  “Children are the most precious gift God can bestow on us. They are gifts to be treasured from the moment they let out their first cry to the day we watch them pledge their lives to another person to the day we leave this earth.”

  Penelope Donahue

  Chapter Three

  Heath woke up the next morning wondering if he had dreamt the events of last night. Was Bella really having his child? Was he really going to be a father in a few months? Yes, he hadn’t been dreaming. The kiss they’d shared had been the real deal. He found himself grinning. It had been an impulsive act, but one that had paid off. Clearly, Bella wasn’t as immune to him as she was acting.

  He hated that he’d put her through the ringer. She had been sick and scared for months and dealing with her pregnancy. In a perfect world, Heath would have been there to make her chicken noodle soup and buy her the sickly sweet cereal she liked to eat every morning. Perhaps that particular cereal had been scrapped from her pregnancy diet. It was pretty much junk although Bella had clung to it for years like a favorite blanket.

  Bella. Seeing her again made him realize how much he’d been missing her in his life. He missed meeting up for lunch or walking along the beach with his dog, Bingo. There were certain places in Pelican Bay he avoided driving past because they reminded him of Bella. Although a separation had been for the best so Heath could undergo treatment, that knowledge hadn’t eased the ache inside him. He’d missed her every single day for the last five months.

  By the time Heath showed up for work at the construction site, he felt as if his head would explode. He was dying to tell someone about the baby, but he didn’t know where to start. Alth
ough he had been living with Caleb, he’d moved to his own place a few weeks ago. In simple terms it was a fixer upper. His siblings had been open-mouthed when he’d invited them over to see the place. Caleb, as usual was diplomatic. The youngest Donahue brother, Nash, was optimistic. His sister, Shayla, had been strangely silent. She’d walked around his house with her mouth wide open in shock. The rest of his siblings—Jason, Micah, Parker and Daniel had made a lot of jokes about the house’s state of disrepair. Heath had shrugged off the teasing.

  Growing up in a house full of Donahue kids had taught him to shrug it off. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought of his newly purchased house. Heath had bought it in a foreclosure. He, more than anyone else, knew that it needed a lot of TLC. But home construction was his business. He was working for Ralph DeNunzio’s Home Improvement business, and with each and every day, Heath was learning more and more about the craft of home construction. He’d been working for DeNunzio’s since he was a teenager. It had been his part-time after school job in high school. Ralph DeNunzio had promised to hold a full-time job for him while he was in the military. Ralph had made good on his promise. Heath had returned home with a guaranteed job. And even though he had been struggling with PTSD and depression, he was good at it.

  With a little time and effort and a small cash infusion, his house would be turned into a beautiful home. A home fit for a wife and child if he had his way. He had a long way to go in order to convince Bella to give him a second chance. He was determined to be patient and win her back. She was right about him withholding things from her—personal things that he’d held close to the vest for so many years. Lee Smalley, his therapist, had told him how important it was to break down his walls. Heath trusted Dr. Smalley. In five short months he had helped him deal with a lot of the things that were tormenting him. But there were still issues to grapple with, particularly the ones he’d kept hidden away for decades.