Hesitant Heart

by Morticia Knight

  When they reached the proper floor, Aaron led the way just as he had at the bathhouse. Sam scurried after him but stayed behind. Sam knew he could survive on his own, could push through whatever obstacles got in his way. He’d had to in order to make it to Los Angeles. Even though Louis had helped him get the job, he would’ve been able to figure something out eventually.

  But as he walked behind the graceful form of Aaron, he thought about what Aaron had said earlier about Sam giving his control over to someone. As he rolled the idea around in his mind, it made his abdomen tighten, his heart beat faster. He never wanted to go with anyone only because they wanted to take care of him—that was one of the reasons he’d told Louis no. But the idea of someone else making the decisions would allow Sam to let go and live. It suddenly made a lot of sense. So much of his nervousness would go away if someone else were to be in charge—someone he trusted who would only seek what was best for Sam and not try to change who he was inside. Then Sam could give all of his heart to his lover—give him everything so that they could be strong together.

  “Here we are, little Sam. Room nine-one-seven.”

  Aaron placed the brass key in the lock then opened the door. He winked at Sam then gestured for him to go in first. His cheeks heated and he ducked his head. Aaron must have his own home, but he’d brought Sam to the hotel instead. He’d promised not to molest him. Aaron must not want him that way after all. It had been rather foolish for him to think there might be a chance. There might even be another man at Aaron’s home already—a man whom he took care of, whom he controlled. Someone much more interesting and exciting than Sam.

  “Sam? What is it?”

  He peered up and gazed into Aaron’s warm eyes, which were filled with concern. Sam was being selfish and ungrateful.

  “Thank you for bringing me here. It was an awfully nice thing for you to do. But I have to pay you back, it…it wouldn’t be right otherwise.” He had to turn away.

  “Sit down.”

  Aaron had gestured to the settee that was on the other side of the room from where the large bed was. Everything had an airy elegance to it. Sam did as Aaron had instructed and waited until he’d pulled the small matching wingchair over and placed it in front of him. Sitting down, he crossed his legs languidly in the same manner as he’d done in the bathhouse private room—except for the fact that he currently wore clothes.

  “Sam, I need you to tell me what’s troubling you.”

  “I told you—”

  “And you’re most welcome. But I already said we could work something out once you have employment. Don’t you believe me?”

  Shaking his head vigorously, Sam blurted out, “Of course I believe you! You kept your word at the bathhouse, you’re being so nice to me. I’d do anything you asked.”

  He noticed a slight grimace on Aaron’s face.

  “Yes. I believe you would.” Aaron seemed to regard him intently. “You have to be very cautious not to give everything of yourself away to someone just because they’ve been nice to you. Someone could take advantage. You must be careful, little Sam.”

  “But what about what you said earlier? About giving control?”

  Sam watched uneasily as Aaron seemed to hold his breath as he stared at Sam. It was impossible to tell what was really going on behind his implacable expression.

  “That’s a decision to be made with prudent and thoughtful consideration. It’s not to be done lightly.” Aaron had said it in a severe tone, very unlike his typically smooth one. “Now tell me what’s actually bothering you. Be honest with me.”

  There was an uncomfortable knot in his stomach. He was terrified to tell Aaron the truth, but he didn’t want to lie. He wanted to please Aaron, not have anything come between them. Even if it didn’t seem as if there either was or would be a ‘them’.

  Sam worked his mouth open and closed a couple times as if he were warming up to the idea of speaking. “I…I’m not used to being alone. I don’t like it.”

  Aaron’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh?”

  Despite feeling more than a little silly, Aaron had insisted, so Sam continued.

  “I shared a room with my two little brothers right up until I left home. I also have two sisters. The house was always full. When I came here, I was in the car with Louis.”

  There was an almost feral glint in Aaron’s eyes and he practically growled out his words. “He never touched you, did he?”

  “No!” Sam face heated. “He…he asked me to come live with him though.”

  Aaron made a sound akin to a grunt. “I bet he did.” He took a deep breath and seemed to regain his composure. “And why didn’t you go with him? You had nowhere else. He could’ve taken care of you.”

  “I didn’t like him like that.”

  “I see.” Aaron appeared to relax, his tone calm again. “But when you arrived here, you were still alone, right?”

  Sam wriggled around in his seat. Someone as strong and mature as Aaron wouldn’t understand about needing another person, about loneliness.

  “It wasn’t what I would’ve preferred, but at least there were the other boys in the room. I wasn’t completely alone.”

  Aaron fixed him with a compassionate stare. “Are you scared to be here alone?”

  He had to drop his head. It was all so unbelievably embarrassing.

  “Sam. Look at me now.”

  The command in Aaron’s voice had been unmistakable and Sam didn’t hesitate to meet his eyes. The very sound of it had him all soft and melty on the inside.

  “Don’t be ashamed to admit that you need the comfort of another person.” Aaron’s tone had softened. “Everyone does.”

  Sam gasped. “Even you?”

  There was the barest hint of a smile on Aaron’s lips, but it seemed to be tinged with a melancholy. “Even me, little Sam.”

  His head was alive with all kinds of thoughts and questions. He needed to know more about Aaron, everything he possibly could. Swallowing hard to try to relieve the dryness in his throat, he then took a deep breath to give him the courage to ask his next question.

  “So…do you have anyone?” He was sure his cheeks were a bright red, but he wouldn’t back down. He had to know. “I mean, so that you’re not lonely?”

  If only Aaron would show more of his feelings.

  Sam had caught a few moments that day where there’d been some emotion from Aaron, but for the most part, he’d maintained a slightly amused, even expression. However, there was something about what Sam had said that seemed to have affected Aaron strongly. There was a genuine sadness in his eyes. Even his shoulders had slumped almost imperceptibly.

  “No.” He cleared his throat. “I have no one.”

  Sam considered this, frowning. “But you’re so handsome and nice. I don’t understand.”

  Aaron sighed. “It’s perhaps preferable that you don’t. I have specific needs that I require from a companion that are unusual, at best. There haven’t been any who’ve desired to stay with me under my conditions.”

  “I’d stay with you.”

  The startled look on Aaron’s face alerted Sam to the fact of what he’d just blurted out loud. As much as his cheeks continued to furiously heat up, he couldn’t take it back. And anyway, it was the truth. Wasn’t that what Aaron had asked for?

  Chapter Four

  The compulsion to simply wrap Sam up in his arms and take him straight home—possibly even tying him with silk cord to his bed and never letting him free—was almost impossible to ignore.

  I mustn’t. He’s innocent in everything. He doesn’t need to be turned into a deviant like me.

  His chest hurt. It was a physical phenomenon. Every muscle, every tendon, every nerve—his whole being ached to protect and keep Sam. The boy stared at Aaron expectantly, as if he was waiting for him to say yes.

  “You don’t know what you’re saying.” Aaron thought his heart might actually be breaking as he spoke. “You’ve only just met me. You have no idea what I’m like.”


  Sam fidgeted, appearing shy. “I didn’t just meet you. I’ve known you for seven weeks since last Friday.” Sam scrunched his eyebrows. “Which makes it really almost seven and a half weeks.”

  Despite the pain in Aaron’s gut, he had to chuckle. “Oh, Sam. But other than seeing my unclothed form, what else do you know of me? I could be a madman.”

  “I know that you’re a good person. I can tell. You’ve always treated me better than any of the other men there—than any man I’ve ever met.”

  Aaron couldn’t control the bizarre streak of jealousy and protectiveness that coursed through him every time Sam mentioned another man. Yet, who would protect Sam from him and his twisted desires? He thought he might make himself sick from wrestling with it all.

  “Sam, I need you to listen very carefully to me. I can’t take you home. You said you trusted me before, and you need to trust me now. I’m not good for you.”

  His sadness deepened at the look on Sam’s face, the silent pleading from his eyes.

  “But why? Is it really because you don’t think I’m good enough for you?”

  “No.” Aaron had said it firmly. “That’s not it at all. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that.” Aaron had to stop the conversation before it went any further. “That’s enough about this topic. If you trust me like you say you do then trust that I know this is what’s best for you.”

  He needed to get out of there. As much as he didn’t want to leave Sam scared and alone, it was preferable to him getting mixed up with Aaron’s perversions. He noted that Sam appeared more upset than he had all day. There was an uneasy silence and Aaron rose to his feet. He pulled a ten dollar bill from his wallet then extended it to Sam. He kept his head down. Aaron shook the bill.

  “Here. You’ll need to get something to eat for the next couple of days until you find a new job.”

  “No thank you.”

  “Sam…”

  “I still have the two and a half left. I’ll be fine.”

  The fucking twisting and turning in his stomach wouldn’t stop. He hated himself right then. Hated that he couldn’t be the normal and respectable man that Sam deserved.

  “I’m leaving this, whether you want me to or not. I expect you to take it and I don’t want you disobeying, understand?”

  Sam peered up at him, anger clearly etched in his features. It was for the best. Maybe he would get over his youthful infatuation and find a better way for himself.

  “I understand.”

  His tone had been flat, but he took the ten. Aaron had to get the hell out of there or he would go stark raving mad. Before he could change his mind, he turned away from the sweetest boy he’d ever met. Once he’d opened the door to the room, he paused.

  “The hotel is paid for through the end of the month.” He inhaled deeply. “Take care of yourself, little Sam.”

  Walking down the hall toward the elevator, Aaron reminded himself he was doing the right thing, that it was all for Sam’s benefit. Maybe if he repeated it over and over in his mind, he would finally feel the truth of it. But the battle inside of him raged. His softer emotions had been saved for love, something he’d already given up on. So he couldn’t understand why the tears fell so freely.

  * * * *

  “I was wondering if you would be patronizing Hampton Road tonight?”

  The phone had rung almost the moment Aaron had stepped back into his Craftsman style bungalow home in Larchmont Village, just south of Hollywood. It was the perfect size for his needs with three bedrooms. One for him, one for his art studio and one for the implements he used on those occasions when he could find a companion. His trust fund could have supported one of the grander homes in the quaint village area, but he didn’t want the added intrusion of needing to maintain a staff. Not with the activities he engaged in. He held the small receiver to his ear and spoke into the microphone at the base of the candlestick shaped device.

  “I don’t know Saul…”

  The darkness that consumed him at times had enveloped him as he’d driven from the hotel where he’d left Sam behind.

  Left him.

  Aaron pressed a hand to his forehead. If he could shake his melancholy long enough to prepare himself for a night out, it might keep him from descending too far into despair.

  “Aaron? You still there?” Saul muttered. “Dratted modern contraptions. Never work properly.”

  “I’m here, Saul. I just…”

  “Good Lord. Come to the club. I need a ride anyway. That useless pile of metal I was talked into purchasing last year is being repaired. You’d be doing me a favor.”

  “I thought you drove it to the bathhouse earlier?”

  “Yes. That was prior to it falling apart. You know, when we used horses, all we had to worry about was some hay and the occasional pile of shit.”

  Aaron laughed lightly, a small portion of the weight in his heart lightening. “Yes. Maybe that’s what I need. A night out with a good friend.”

  “So how did things go with the young towel boy?”

  His heart was back to weighing a ton. But maybe Saul could give him some perspective on the situation. Surely he would reinforce Aaron’s decision and help him feel better about it.

  “Actually, could we meet for a drink at Walter’s speakeasy first? I wouldn’t mind having a chat with you about all of that.”

  “Ooh. Sounds terribly interesting. All of what?”

  “Saul, please.”

  “No need to beg. I’ve been wanting to see a man about a dog anyway. I’ve been parched all day.”

  After finalizing the evening’s plans with Saul, he ran a bath and soaked for a while in the comforting embrace of the heated water. There had been an Oriental man who’d visited the club when he first joined and he’d not only instructed him in some very interesting rope knots, but had advised him on some meditation techniques. Somehow, he’d sensed the melancholy in Aaron and had offered to help. It did make a difference.

  His soak complete, he dressed in a carefully selected outfit of all black with flannel trousers and silk shirt. A tooled leather waistcoat that he’d had custom made went over the shirt. He wore a proper suit coat and bowtie for public eyes that would then be removed once he arrived in the South Pasadena neighborhood of San Marino, where the club operated in a private mansion. The final task he performed before leaving was to put a few carefully selected items in a small leather satchel that he would bring with him to use—should he find a willing submissive to spend the evening with.

  He pulled up to Saul’s home near downtown. It appeared his friend was anxious to get going, as he’d been waiting for him at the curb. It was almost seven in the evening, the nightfall complete for the time of the year. October was upon them at which point it would become darker still.

  “Precisely on time.” Saul chuckled as he hopped in the car. “This is what I love about Dominant men. We’re so damn controlling. Structured.”

  Aaron didn’t want to analyze what he was. He’d done enough of that over the years. “I suppose one could look at it like that.” Aaron pulled away from the curb and steered the car down toward Wilshire Boulevard.

  “Oh dear.”

  He detected Saul glancing at him in his peripheral vision.

  “What?”

  “I take it that the towel boy wasn’t interested?”

  Aaron gripped the wheel tighter. “Why would you say such a thing?”

  “Well, there was your invitation to speak on the subject at the pansy club for one thing. And I know you well enough by now to sense one of your moods has come on. Did he reject you?”

  He remained focused on the road. They had never discussed Sam before any of the craziness of earlier in the day, so he couldn’t imagine what Saul was talking about.

  “No, on the contrary…” He drew in a deep breath then cleared his throat. “Perhaps we can continue this at Walter’s? I think I might need a gin or two tonight.”

  “Oh dear, indeed.”

  * * * *

/>   Sam thought about going out and getting something to eat. He wasn’t hungry, but it would at least give him something to do other than stare out the window and try not to cry. Would he ever see Aaron again? He’d promised to let Sam pay him back for the hotel, yet he’d left without giving Sam his number or address.

  Maybe he’ll be at the bathhouse.

  The thought of ever going back to the Temple of Eros petrified him. However, the thought of never seeing Aaron again terrified him even more. He wasn’t even sure he understood why. The feelings that were piled on top of one another inside him weren’t ones he’d ever had before—not anywhere near as strong, at least.

  There had been stirrings of want when his penis would get hard, and there had even been one boy who he’d wanted to kiss very badly. They were both only fifteen and Sam had thought that Gerald had very pretty eyes. He’d thought if he told him so, then Gerald would want a kiss. Instead he’d called Sam a fairy and punched him in the mouth. Sam was fairly sure it was around then that his father had figured out the truth about him.

  I miss my mother. And Nadine.

  If his mother had known that he wasn’t a normal boy, she’d certainly never acted like it. She’d always given him hugs and told him that he was good and smart. And Nadine was only eight years old. She adored Sam and Sam adored her. He’d let her help him when he’d taken care of his plants in the greenhouse—yet another thing his father had said made him a sissy. Sam had never wanted to go hunting or fishing with his father. The times his father had forced him, Sam had only embarrassed him by not being good at it, so his father had stopped taking him.

  He wished his mother had been able to stop his father from pushing him around and smacking him in the face so much or telling him how bad he was. How Sam wasn’t really a man and that he would give the family a bad name unless he performed his duty as the eldest son. It hurt him even more because he knew that he smacked her too. He was filled with guilt that he hadn’t been able to help her, running away instead.

  ‘Go, sweetheart. Don’t stay here and let him destroy you. Don’t worry. You will always be in my heart.’