Hesitant Heart

by Morticia Knight

  Aaron held it out to him.

  “Thank you.”

  He grasped the bottle, waiting to see what Aaron would do next. Even though Aaron was the one with very little clothing, Sam felt exposed as Aaron sat close, openly gazing at him.

  “Before I can ask you to give yourself to me, you need to know everything so that you can make an informed decision.”

  He wanted to tell Aaron that it wouldn’t matter what he said, but Aaron had already made it clear that he wanted to discuss some important things with Sam first. Sam wouldn’t interrupt him with too many questions. The sooner they got through what Aaron wanted to talk about, the sooner they could touch each other.

  “Once you agree to give control over to me, I will expect you to obey everything I say, whether you agree with it or not. I won’t be unfair or cruel. Anything I ever do will be with your best interests kept in mind, even if you don’t understand what they are at the time. That’s why trust and honesty are so important. You need to be able to trust me so that you can let go and give yourself freely.”

  Sam nodded eagerly as Aaron spoke.

  “But there must also be absolute honestly between us. That’s what reinforces the trust. It’s also vital so that I’m aware of any and all things that might affect you—your feelings, your worries, issues that need to be resolved. How can I live up to my responsibility as your protector if I don’t have all the information about you?”

  Sam’s gut clenched. He hadn’t thought about that. If he didn’t tell Aaron everything about why he’d left home, that would be dishonest. Maybe Aaron would change his mind. But what if he changed his mind once he found out what Sam’s problems were? He might decide that Sam was too much trouble.

  “That’s what I’d suspected.”

  Jerking his head up, Sam saw that Aaron gazed at him intently.

  “W-what do you mean?”

  “Come here, little Sam.” Aaron opened his arms, gesturing for him to come closer. “Don’t be afraid to tell me how you ended up here in Hollywood.”

  Sam scooted into Aaron’s embrace. He wished he had his clothes off too. Resting his head on Aaron’s chest, he gradually relaxed as Aaron caressed his arm, sometimes making soothing circles on his shoulders.

  “Smith isn’t really my last name. It’s Cunningham. I didn’t want to use it in case anyone came around asking about a Sam Cunningham.”

  “You think they would?”

  Sam shivered as if someone had walked over his grave. “My father’s reputation and political career will be destroyed if I don’t go back there and marry the girl who says I got her pregnant. He won’t ever stop. Gertrude’s father is one of the richest up north and he’s been supporting my father’s bid to get into congress.”

  During his story, he’d expected Aaron to stiffen, or stop touching him or maybe even move away from him. But he’d never slowed or halted his movements. He’d kept his strokes light and reassuring as Sam had spoken.

  “Look at me, little Sam.”

  Aaron tipped his chin up with one finger. “I’m going to ask, even though I’m sure of the answer already. Did you get that girl pregnant?”

  “No! I swear. I told you I don’t do things with girls, ever.”

  “Keep your voice down, Sam.” Aaron’s own voice had remained calm and low.

  “Sorry.”

  He lowered his eyes, even though Aaron still kept Sam’s chin tipped up.

  “You’re forgiven. See? We’ve started already.”

  Sam smiled, allowing his gaze to lock with Aaron’s again.

  “So that means I have to watch out for your father and others who might be working for him. Thank you for telling me that, Sam. I’ll have you write out everything about your situation—names, descriptions and so on—before we go to bed tonight.”

  His chest felt lighter and he was almost giddy from relief. Aaron would take care of it. He didn’t need to worry.

  “Is there anything else you’ve hidden from me, Sam?”

  “Nothing about that.”

  “Oh? Then about what?”

  He started to chew before he could stop himself.

  “Sam…”

  The chewing stopped instantly. Aaron jostled him.

  “Talk to me. I need to know everything about you.”

  “I’ve never… I don’t know…”

  Aaron lifted Sam onto his lap then arranged him so they could look at one another as Sam spoke.

  “There. That’s better. Now, little Sam, is this about sex?”

  Oh, but his face heated so much. What if Aaron thought he was dirty because of how much he wanted sex? Or what if he didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t know how to do sex things? Aaron had been right again. Because Aaron and Sam had only had the chance to be together for a day, he didn’t know whether to be worried or not. But all he had to do was tell the truth and Aaron would take care of it for him.

  “Yes.” He’d barely been able to squeeze that one word out.

  “What is it about sex that worries you? It’s okay, whatever you say. We don’t have to do anything like that until you get to know me better and feel more comfortable.”

  “Oh, I feel very comfortable with you. I want sex right away. But…” Sam frowned. He wasn’t sure how to explain it right. “Well… I’ve never done anything. Not with a girl or a boy. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and I really want you to like me.”

  Aaron had only raised his eyebrows slightly as Sam had spoken, so he was pretty sure that the older man wasn’t upset over what Sam had just said.

  “I see. Let me ask you this. What makes you excited?”

  “You do.”

  Aaron chuckled lightly. “That’s very kind. But before you ever knew me, what made you excited? Made you want to have sex?”

  Sam considered Aaron’s words. There was the time with Gerald, of course, but he hadn’t thought about doing anything other than kissing him. He thought way back. A memory crossed his mind and he heated again. It wasn’t anything he wanted Aaron to find out—he would think there was something very weird about Sam. That was what his friend had thought that day when he’d pointed and laughed at him.

  “Sam.”

  His voice had almost been a whisper. Sam glanced up at Aaron.

  “Tell me. Now.”

  Sam couldn’t stop his lip from quivering. “You’ll think I’m a freak.”

  Aaron kissed his forehead before pulling back to lock gazes with him again.

  “No I won’t. Tell me.”

  Swallowing hard, Sam then took a deep breath before beginning. “I had a friend who liked to play Cowboys and Indians with me all the time. One day, I was the cowboy and I’d been captured.” Sam had to swallow again, his stomach tightening at the awful admission he was about to make. It was something he’d never spoken of to anyone. “We’d snuck some of my father’s rope out of the shed and he tied me to the tree. He wrapped it around me and when he tightened it, when his fingers brushed over the places where the rope dug into me, I…I got excited. He might not have noticed, but I…” Sam couldn’t say it. He lowered his eyes.

  “You came from being tied up?”

  Sam glanced back up, confused. “Came?”

  “You climaxed. Spilled your seed.”

  He couldn’t believe he’d just told Aaron that. What had he been thinking? He was a freak. He’d tried so hard to forget about that day, to shove it down inside where it couldn’t ever be seen. Except for the times when there’d been rope, or silk cords, or other things he liked to touch. Sometimes if no one was around, he would wrap them around his hand or wrist, imagine what it would be like to have someone do that to him again.

  All he could do was nod. It was too humiliating.

  “Sweet, perfect, little Sam. How could I be this fortunate?”

  He inhaled on a gasp. “You don’t think there’s something wrong with me? That I’m a freak?”

  Aaron gripped both his arms. “Don’t you ever believe that. You unders
tand? You are wonderful exactly the way you are.”

  He had to be hearing things. “And you still want me?”

  Aaron gave him a full smile, his eyes lighting up as he did. “Even more than I did and I hadn’t even known that was possible.”

  Sam’s heart fluttered as he mulled it all over. So many amazing things had happened to him in a very short time. Aaron pulled him close to his chest, then cradled his head with one hand, embracing him and grasping his thigh with the other.

  “Thank you, Sam. You’ve shared some very personal things with me. I appreciate your trust. It’s only fair that I tell you about me too.”

  Aaron kissed his temple then pulled back so he could look into his eyes once more.

  “It makes me excited when I tie men up.”

  Sam held his breath. He didn’t mean to, but he was sure he had to be hearing things again. “Really?”

  “Yes. Really.”

  It wasn’t until he snapped his jaw shut that he realized it had been hanging open. “Can we go do that right now?”

  Aaron sputtered then broke into gales of laughter. Sam was about to work himself up into a good dose of anger when Aaron pulled him close, rocking him, kissing his head and face over and over.

  I want him to kiss my mouth.

  Aaron pulled back, his eyes glittery and happy. “Very soon, Sam. I’m trying to go slow because you have no experience. I don’t want you to become overwhelmed. Remember? It’s my job to watch out for you.”

  “Okay, I understand.”

  As he caressed Sam’s forehead, stroking his hair back, Aaron continued to gaze at him. He looked all over Sam’s face, his body, almost as if he were inspecting him. His expression reminded Sam of someone in awe, but he couldn’t imagine why Aaron would be staring at him in that way. Aaron stilled his movements, locking eyes with him.

  “There are also other activities that get me excited. Activities that used to make me think I was a freak too, but I’ve learned not to believe that anymore. You will probably think them strange. I’ll go slow with you—like with everything else—but these are things I need to do with a man to keep me happy.”

  “What things?”

  “I like inflicting erotic pain. Especially when my partner is tied up.”

  Sam understood the pain part quite well. He had no idea what ‘erotic’ meant though.

  “What’s erotic pain?”

  “It’s the kind of pain someone gives you to make you sexually excited. It’s never done in anger, only for both partner’s gratification.”

  “Oh.” Sam wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He had to admit that it did seem kind of strange. “But how does the pain make you excited?”

  “Will you let me try something with you? You don’t need to remove your clothes or get off my lap. Just let me reach up and play with your nipples.”

  Finally.

  He’d ached for Aaron to touch him beyond the embraces. Those were wonderful, but he wanted real touches, lover’s touches.

  Sam nodded enthusiastically as he untucked his shirt. He would’ve unbuttoned it and taken it off, but Aaron reached one of his large, warm hands under the cotton work shirt and tank underneath. Sam hissed at the intimate contact. It felt different than Aaron’s caresses up to that point. Aaron used his fingers to gently knead, to explore his flesh.

  When Aaron reached his nipple, he teased the nub, flicking it lightly. Sam’s penis hardened, throbbing and leaking. His little buds had always been very sensitive—something he’d discovered when touching himself—but having someone else do it was unbelievably good. Is that what Aaron meant by erotic? If it was, he wanted to do erotic things all the time.

  Aaron stopped worrying his tightened tip and moved to torment the other one. Sam arched into Aaron’s touch, moaning, his breathing speeding up. Then Aaron flicked the nipple back and forth, switched to the other one again, then once more. Sam clutched at Aaron, his grip tightening, along with his balls. A sharp pinch followed by a harsh twist made him cry out. He came. Warmth spread between his legs, soaking his underwear. Aaron continued to tease his nipples as his member pulsed and twitched, more of his seed spilling. He’d never climaxed so hard or so long before. Aaron’s touch was like magic.

  Melting into Aaron’s arms, he peered up at him from under his lashes. Aaron’s face was flushed, his gaze filled with desire, the hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth.

  “Very good, Sam. We’re going to enjoy one another quite a bit.”

  “I made a mess.”

  “I think it’s wonderful. In the future, we will work on your self-control, but what you just did was spectacular.”

  It was still difficult to follow everything that Aaron spoke of, but Sam knew that Aaron would teach him everything. And he wanted to be taught very, very much. As Aaron continued to consider him, one other thing nagged at him. Since Aaron had told him to say everything that was on his mind, Sam resolved that he would. He would never, ever want to disappoint Aaron.

  “Will you kiss me?”

  Aaron’s smile widened. “Of course I will, little Sam. But let’s get you cleaned up first, shall we? I want you to be comfortable for your first kiss.”

  Sam nodded eagerly, sitting up and moving off Aaron’s lap. He was shown into the large bathroom next to Aaron’s bedroom. He hoped it would be his bedroom too, but they hadn’t really talked about that yet. The bathroom was very modern, much more so than the ones back at his father’s Victorian mansion.

  There were white hexagonal tiles on the floor, with large square ones that rose up on the walls, stopping right about where Sam’s chin was. A porcelain lip edged the top and right below it was a black line detailing it the circumference of the entire room. He’d never seen a separate cubicle for a shower with an etched glass door before. It was right next to the curved bottom tub that was set in the floor. The one he’d used at home had been on legs that had feet like an animal’s. Inside the shower were steel pipes that ran up the side and were attached to a large steel circle above. When Aaron turned on the spigots, water came out of small holes in the circle like a heavy mist.

  “Come on, little Sam. Let’s get you out of those wet clothes. I’ll bring in your other ones.” Aaron frowned. “We’ll have to do some shopping this week for more.”

  Sam was about to protest until he remembered how he was supposed to let Aaron take care of him, make all the decisions. As he unbuttoned his shirt, he experienced a wave of shyness. Aaron had let him use the washroom alone that morning at the hotel. But if they were going to do sex things, he would have to take off his clothes. And, of course, he’d seen Aaron nude many times. As he pondered it, he realized that he’d seen Aaron more with his clothes off than with them on.

  “Don’t hide your body from me. Have I ever hidden mine from you?” Aaron didn’t appear upset at all. He had that same twinkle in his eye that Sam loved.

  “Okay.”

  He finished unbuttoning his shirt then removed the rest of his clothing. He held them in a pile in front of him, unable to meet Aaron’s eyes. He’d never been completely naked in front of anyone before, with the exception of his mother. But that had stopped when he’d been about eleven or twelve—when he’d started to grow hair on his private parts.

  “You’re still hiding, Sam.”

  He almost chewed his lip. Almost. Aaron had his arms outstretched, obviously wanting Sam to give him the clothes. Relinquishing the bundle to Aaron, he waited while he put them in a straw basket next to the door. When Aaron turned to gaze at his exposed body, he couldn’t stop the trembling.

  “Cold?”

  Sam shook his head. The radiator that Aaron had turned on when they’d first entered had kept the room at a comfortable temperature.

  “Frightened?”

  “N-no…”

  “Tell me.”

  “I’m embarrassed.”

  Aaron arched his eyebrows. “You’ve never been naked in front of anyone, have you?”

  “No. Not since I
grew hair on my man parts.”

  Aaron’s lip quirked. “I see. Another thing I’d like to do with you is expand your vocabulary a bit. But that can be done as we move along. You have a beautiful body, Sam. I like it very much.” He motioned to the shower. “Come on. Let’s get you washed up.”

  Sam grinned. Things kept getting better. Aaron opened the glass door that had begun to steam up and gestured for him to get inside. After soaping up with an amber colored bar that smelled like nothing he’d ever come across before, he shut the water off then dried himself with a fluffy green towel. He liked the towel. It was soft and thick and reminded him of being in a forest.

  Aaron strolled into the room, startling Sam. He’d just finished peeing and he would’ve been more embarrassed than he’d ever been in his life if Aaron had seen him doing that. Aaron regarded him.

  “I heard the toilet flush, Sam. We’re at the beginning, but don’t expect privacy with me. You’re mine. All of you. Agreed?”

  Sam’s cheeks were warm and he wasn’t sure if he would ever not be self-conscious over such a thing, but he nodded. He would never disagree with Aaron about anything.

  “I need to hear you say it out loud, so we have no misunderstandings.”

  It was the sound of Aaron’s voice. It was that same easy, calm tone he continuously used that made Sam’s insides all gooey.

  “Agreed.”

  Aaron gave him a warm smile. “Good boy.”

  Sam smiled back. Newly emboldened, he pulled the towel away to expose himself to Aaron’s eyes.

  “Where do you want me to put this?”

  The approval projected back at him from Aaron filled his heart with joy. He’d pleased Aaron. Every chance he got from that moment on, he would find ways to make Aaron look at him like that. Aaron gestured to the towel rod next to the shower.

  “This can be your place.”

  After Sam had neatly folded his towel over the bar, Aaron extended his hand and led him to the large bed in the middle of the other room. He patted the mattress, the blankets and duvet already pulled to the end, only the dark green sheets left as a covering.

  Sam clambered onto it, a buzz thrumming under his skin as he excitedly wondered if Aaron would tie him up. But he still wanted one other thing first.