Forget You

by Jennifer Snyder

  While I waited for the machine to make my coffee, I scooped my calendar off the countertop, and flipped forward to circle the date of Sawyer’s return. Six weeks, that seemed like such a long time to wait.

  * * * *

  Sawyer’s mother sat across from me during my lunch break, sipping a cup of coffee. The woman had a memory like an elephant. It was the only way to explain how she remembered so much about me, like where I had said I worked the night I’d met her. I couldn’t remember her name, but she would most likely be able to tell me exactly what I’d been wearing the night I’d first met her.

  “He’ll be all right,” she muttered. I got the impression the sentence had been more of a reminder for herself than for my benefit. “He’s smart. He’ll be able to make it through whatever mission they’ve sent him on. He’ll come back in one piece. I know it. God loves me enough to not take both of my sons away from me.”

  I stopped chewing. Her words cut through me deeply. They were wrapped in so much sadness that I could barely breathe.

  I wasn’t a religious person. Not at all. Any desire I had to believe in God, or anything else in the same category, died when I was a little girl. If He, or anything else of the same nature, did exist, why the hell had He put me through so much heartache and pain when I was so young? If He was really an all-loving deity, then why had He forgotten me when I needed Him most?

  I glanced at Sawyer’s mother. Her face was drawn tight, her lips pulled into a thin line, and there was a glassy, unfocused look shining through her eyes as she stared at the tabletop between us.

  “Losing one son was hard enough. He can’t expect me to survive the loss of another,” she whispered. It was more of a plea, words wrapped around a silent prayer.

  Swallowing my mouthful of pie, I thought of what I should say to her. There were words of encouragement I was supposed to dish out here. They rested on the tip of my tongue, but I knew they would do no good. Besides, I barely knew her.

  “He was in an accident, you know,” Sawyer’s mother said. She blinked and was back in the present with me, a story waiting to spew from between her lips. “Both of my boys loved motocross.”

  My insides froze solid as I guessed the direction this conversation was headed. I stabbed at the remaining slice of pie on my plate with my fork and glanced at her, taking the reflective look passing over her face in once more. Sawyer had already told me this story, what had happened to Ryker, but I wasn’t about to tell Janet—that was her name!—and stop her. I couldn’t bring myself to deny her this moment, no matter how awkward it was making me feel. Who knew, maybe she would offer up another piece to the puzzle as to why Ryker had been out there all alone that night and what had truthfully happened.

  Maybe I was being selfish in thinking this, but I hoped she would spill something new to me—something she had yet to tell Sawyer, even if it was the smallest of detail—because it made me feel as if there was a reason for him to come back to me whole and well. At least then I would have something to tell him, something that could be deemed as unfinished business. I could tell him what I’d learned. All he needed to do was come home to me safely.

  “Ryker and Sawyer were always different about it though. To Sawyer, motocross was a fun hobby. He raced a little when he was younger, but I think it was only because Ryker did, and Sawyer looked up to him so much. Sawyer wanted to be just like his big brother.” A small, sad smile touched the corners of her lips. Janet dropped her eyes to the tabletop again, and took a sip of her coffee. “To Ryker, racing was like breathing. He loved it from the first moment he ever got on a bike. It was never a hobby to him; it was a way of life. Ryker was always our dare devil, so this sport was natural to him. The boys even built a track for themselves. I think it was more Ryker’s doing than Sawyer’s.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, Sawyer told me about the track.”

  Janet’s eyes met mine. “That’s where it happened. Did Sawyer tell you that too?” Her eyes, the same color as Sawyer’s, stared into mine, and I nodded. “It was my fault Ryker went there that night. That’s something I bet Sawyer didn’t tell you, but only because he doesn’t know.”

  My brows drew together. “What do you mean?”

  Janet sighed, and gripped her mug tighter between her hands. “We didn’t tell Sawyer because we thought knowing would make it worse for him. Ryker and Sawyer were close, always so close. They were more like best friends than brothers.” That same sad smile tugged at her lips again. “That was why Ryker hated it when Sawyer decided to join the National Guard. He couldn’t understand why Sawyer wanted to serve this country while it is in the state that it is. He didn’t tell Sawyer this of course, not in so many words, because he would support his brother no matter his own feelings. That’s just the way they were.”

  Pushing my empty plate away, I leaned back against the booth seat. This wasn’t something I wanted to hear—secrets about true feelings. It wasn’t something worthy of bringing Sawyer back to me for.

  “While Sawyer was gone, Ryker filled his time with racing and more partying than he should. I worried about him, but at the same time, I knew Sawyer would be coming back soon, and everything Ryker was doing would die down. He was just missing his little brother after all.” She took a sip of her coffee, and set the mug down. “The letters don’t get to and from someone in the military fast enough, and we weren’t allowed to call. I think we got one phone call when Sawyer made it there, but it lasted all of thirty seconds. It was barely long enough for him to tell us that he had made it to where he was supposed to for basic training, and then he was gone. Ryker was the one who took this lack of communication with Sawyer the hardest.”

  I was shocked the military only allotted such a small amount of time for such things. It seemed a little harsh to me, but I guess you couldn’t have people on the phone for hours talking to their mommy and daddy either.

  “Then Ryker started hanging out with Camilla.” Janet paused as though the name should ring a bell to me, but it didn’t. When I didn’t say anything, she continued. “Camilla was Sawyer’s high school sweetheart. They were great together, but after graduation, she decided to spread her wings and fly, breaking my son’s heart in the process. I’d warned him something like this could happen when I noticed he was getting awfully serious about her, but of course, young love doesn’t listen.”

  High school sweetheart? Sawyer had never mentioned a high school sweetheart, but then again, we hadn’t talked about our exs yet.

  “I don’t know why Ryker started seeing Camilla. All I know is that he wasn’t in a good frame of mind with his brother gone and him unable to talk to him when he wanted. Then, right after we got the call from Sawyer letting us know where the graduation for his basic training would be held, Camilla told Ryker she was pregnant.” Janet took another sip of coffee, and then pushed her empty mug across the table to rest beside my plate. “He didn’t tell Sawyer at the graduation. He didn’t tell anyone. Ryker just sort of shut down. His father and I assumed it was from seeing Sawyer, and knowing he still wasn’t coming home yet because he was being sent somewhere else to study and train for his military occupation specialty.”

  “That wasn’t it though, was it? Ryker was actually trying to figure out a way to tell Sawyer he’d gotten his high school sweetheart pregnant, wasn’t he?” I asked, even though I had no right to. I hadn’t known Ryker or Camilla. Their personal life should be of no concern to me, but I couldn’t help myself. I felt as though I was on the verge of a breakthrough, of learning the true reasons for what had caused Ryker to be out there all alone on the track, drunk and reckless.

  Janet nodded. “That’s right. The night he finally told someone was the night he died.” Darkness flickered through her eyes, and her face grew slightly pale. “I found him sitting on the back porch, staring out at the pouring rain, drinking a beer. When I asked him if he was okay, he shook his head and said no. He said he didn’t want to go back to the apartment, that he just wanted to sit right there, and drink while th
inking. I told him that was fine, and then asked what it was he was thinking so hard about. I’ll never forget his words or the look that crossed over my baby boy’s face as he struggled to find the right words to answer my question. He was so hurt, ashamed, and broken.” Tears fell from Janet’s eyes, and I struggled with whether I should reach out to her. “He said he’d messed up big time, and that if Sawyer knew what he’d done, he might never speak to him again. I told him that was nonsense, that his brother loved him. Ryker looked me directly in the eyes and told me exactly what he’d done, and I couldn’t reassure him. I couldn’t speak any words that would give him comfort in his mistake—words that would give him hope that his brother would forgive him. I was shocked speechless. Apparently, the look on my face was telling enough about how I felt without the need for words, because Ryker stood and muttered something about me just confirming his biggest fear, and then he walked away.”

  My hand darted out, and I gripped Janet’s, offering her comfort. It was the only thing I knew to do, because I couldn’t find my voice to speak.

  “He left then, in the pouring rain, drunk. My son left because I was too judgmental in a moment when he needed me to be otherwise. He left, and I didn’t say a single word to stop him. I remained where I was, unable to comprehend what he had said.” She shook her head. “I even wondered how Ryker could be so cruel, and why he hadn’t thought of his brother’s feelings at all. Around ten the next morning, there was a knock at the front door, and I knew exactly what had happened the second I saw the officer standing there. My baby had died thinking I was disappointed in him, and that his brother would never forgive him for what he had done.”

  “That’s not true,” I said, meaning every word. “I’m sure he knew how much you loved him. What happened wasn’t your fault. It was an accident, a horrible accident.”

  “The horrible accident was not saying something to make him stay. When I told my husband about it, we decided we would wait to tell Sawyer until the timing was right.” She shook her head. “I know now that the right moment will never come. When he gets back from this mission, he has to know. Camilla only has two weeks left until her due date. Sawyer would want to know about his niece or nephew. We know he would. We want the baby to be part of our lives, regardless of the betrayal wrapped around its creation. This baby is the last remaining piece of my oldest son.”

  My fingers brushed across the top of her hand. “Sawyer would want to know. I firmly believe he would want to be a part of the child’s life.”

  Janet nodded. “I think he would too.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  SAWYER

  Slowing my speech down, I attempted to explain again the areas of importance we check on this particular type of artillery vehicle to the guy I was assigned to train. Training someone in a foreign country was new to me. Of course, we had practiced this bit—how to search the many cavities of the vehicles, and explain the routine carefully to others—but this wasn’t a practice drill, this was real life. The things I was attempting to teach him could save his life, and those around him. If he didn’t grasp everything I was telling him, then it could come back to bite him in a deadly way when he attempted to go out in the field on his own.

  “See this section here?” I asked, bending down to point underneath the vehicle. He nodded, and ducked down with me. “You want to go over this section carefully during your search.”

  “Okay, I understand,” he said in his thick accent, and nodded again.

  From the way his eyes narrowed, I believed he understood the importance this time. Moving to the next area, I motioned for him to follow me.

  “Let’s go over the next area,” I insisted.

  This was our fourth day of training with the same guys. Our mission here was to help their police learn the proper way to search these vehicles for IEDs. It was harder a task than it sounded with the language barrier between us.

  “Grub time,” the commanding officer shouted.

  I motioned to my guy. He muttered something I couldn’t quite make out, but I assumed it was along the lines of food or lunch to the others in his crew. Grabbing my ration of field chow, I meandered to a little area off the side so I could sit alone and eat in peace.

  “You homesick yet, Keeton?” Andrew sauntered over to where I sat, food in hand. There was a shit-eating grin on his face as he moved to sit beside me. “You missing that girl of yours yet?”

  Images of Eva flashed through my mind at the mention of her. Dear God, did I miss her. My lips quirked into a small smile as the daydream of her finding the present I’d left crashed through my mind again.

  “Hell yeah, I’d say you’re missing her,” Andrew teased. “Look at that goofy ass grin on your face.”

  Chuckling, I shook my head, and opened the foil packet of mush we’d all been given. “You’re just jealous I’ve got someone to miss and you don’t.”

  “Nah, not me,” he said. He took a long swing of his water. “At least I’m free from the worry of whether I’ll be the next fool who gets a Dear John letter. No surprises to come home to. I left with no one, and I’ll return to no one, simple as that.”

  The smug smile twisting at the corners of his lips was enough to make me want to throat punch him. I didn’t need any seed of doubt planted in my mind. Not now. Not ever.

  “Eva’s not the type to do that,” I insisted, looking him square in the eyes. “Besides, there’s only five weeks left. It’s not forever. She’ll wait for me.”

  “You hope,” Andrew added.

  I slugged him in the shoulder. “Watch it, asshat. Enough.”

  We laughed, and the tension I felt constricting my chest at the thought of Eva meeting someone else while I was away lessened, some. I knew we hadn’t been together long, but there was something special between us. I could feel it, and I knew she could too.

  Eva would wait for me. I knew she would.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  EVA

  With Sawyer away, I had to get myself in a new rhythm to occupy my free time. If I didn’t fill every second, then I would spend them thinking of nothing besides him, worrying if what he was doing at that very moment could cost him his life.

  School, work, and friends—those were the things I threw myself into hardcore.

  “You’re too quiet,” Cameron grumbled. “It’s so unlike you.”

  A loud huff of air forced its way from my lungs, and I leaned back against the booth seat I was occupying. He’d dragged me to this little deli that was within walking distance from the college. Meeting for lunch had actually been my idea, because I needed another distraction. The time for Sawyer to return home was creeping up quickly, and I was a big ball of anticipation awaiting his return. There were only three more weeks left.

  Three weeks!

  “I’m lost in thought,” I admitted.

  Cam took a bite of his turkey and cheese, and narrowed his eyes at me. A teasing smirk twisted his lips as he chewed. “Planning all the dirty little ways you’re going to show Sawyer how much you’ve missed him when he comes back?”

  I pursed my lips together, and glared at him. “Like I would talk to you about that.”

  He leaned back in his seat, and chuckled. “Ah, so I’m right. That’ll be the happiest night of his life, I bet.”

  “Hush. You have a girlfriend. You shouldn’t even be letting things like that slip from your big, fat mouth now,” I scolded him.

  His hands came up in front of him in mock surrender. “I’m just saying.”

  All I had to do anymore was either remind him of Paige, or threaten to tell Paige the things he did or said that were slightly out of line—like when he still insisted on calling me sexy from time to time—and he would instantly step back in line. Even though he knew I was kidding half the time, he still didn’t want to do a damn thing to jeopardize what he had going with Paige.

  I was proud of him for that. He’d come a long way.

  “Subject shift,” he insisted. “How’s school? Are
you a full-fledged social worker yet?”

  “If I was, you’d know it,” I grumbled. “Still a few more semesters to go.”

  Cam took another bite of his sub. “Okay, that topic was a dead end.”

  “What did you expect?” I picked another banana pepper from my sandwich, and popped it into my mouth.

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells here, Eva. Throw me a freaking bone.” His hazel-colored eyes bored into me, forcing me to dip my gaze down to my glass. “Smile, will you? At least act like you enjoy my damn company, geez.”

  There was a teasing tone to his words, but it still wasn’t enough to make me smile. I took a sip of my soda, and then twirled the straw around in my cup, creating more bubbles. I’d read someplace once that blowing bubbles was scientifically proven to make you smile. Maybe after this, I needed to head to the dollar store on the corner and buy a bottle of bubbles before driving home so I could test that theory.

  “Blaire’s bachelorette party.” He slammed his hands down on the table, startling me and nearly making me spill my drink when I jumped.

  “What the hell?” I narrowed my eyes at him.

  “Sorry.” He grinned. “I just thought of a topic that wouldn’t be a complete dead end right from the start—Blaire’s bachelorette party. What are you ladies thinking of doing?”

  “Hasn’t Paige told you?”

  He shook his head. “No. She told me it would be this Saturday night, but she never would say where. Every time I ask, she gets this weird, embarrassed look on her face.”

  I laughed. Paige must have been more of a prude than I thought. The vibrator Lauren had gotten her for Christmas must have been such an embarrassing gift for her to open.

  “We’re going to the strip club in Carver,” I said.

  Cameron’s lips formed a thin line before he burst out laughing, exactly as I’d imagined he would. “So that’s why she’s being so secretive about it. I’ll have to come up with some way to rag her about this after it’s all said and done.”