A Family Man

by osborne, Sarah

  He stood and pulled on the rest of his clothes. She'd hit the nail on the head. Not that he'd ever admit it. He couldn't bear the thought of seeing the disappointment in that little girl's eyes. "She needs stability, M. Me being here ain’t gonna give her that. Watching us going at it all the time is going to hurt her. You might not care whether she gets hurt or not, but I do."

  "That's a low blow."

  "Don't make it any less true. I know you love her, but you're selfish, M. Don't you remember how you felt when your ma took off, or you came home an' she was out cold on the sofa? Why would you wanna put your own kid through the same shit?"

  "I don't." She climbed out of bed and stood, naked before him. "When she was born, I swore to myself, I wouldn't turn into my mother." She sighed. "I don't know why I do it. You're right. I'm selfish and weak and pathetic and right now I really hate myself."

  He pulled her into his arms. "I'll try to be around more. It must be tough on your own."

  "This ain’t on you Joe." She wrapped her arms around his waist. "You should stay away from me. I'm poison."

  Joe gave a short, humorless laugh and kissed the top of her head. "I would if I could, baby girl."

  Amy was lying on her stomach on his ma's floor, watching the television. She looked up and smiled as Joe walked in. "You gonna watch Little Mermaid with me?"

  "I can't, sugar. I'm allergic to mermaids. They make my eyes fall out."

  Amy sat up and looked at him skeptically. "Really?"

  "Really."

  "Okay." She picked up the remote control and switched off the TV. "Will you draw with me?"

  "Sure." He pulled her to her feet and sat her at the kitchen table, before going to the same drawer where his mom kept the paper and pencils as she did when he was a kid. "So what should we draw?"

  "Unicorns."

  Several unicorns later, Amy's eyes started to close. Joe stroked her hair. "You tired?"

  "No."

  "Oh I think you are. How about I take you home?"

  "And put me to bed?"

  "And put you to bed."

  "And read me a story."

  "And read you a story."

  "Okay." He picked her up and she snuggled into his neck. "I love you, Joe."

  "I love you too, sugar."

  Sophia looked up from her knitting. "Goodnight, sweetheart."

  "Night, Nana Sophia." Amy stuck her thumb in her mouth and closed her eyes, resting her head on Joe's shoulder. "Joe?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Did you make Mommy cry?"

  "No."

  "You promise?"

  "I promise."

  "Joe?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Do you love Mommy?"

  "Yeah I do."

  "Even though she's a fuck-up?"

  "Don't use words like that."

  "Sorry, Joe. Joe?"

  "Yes, sugar?"

  "Do you love Beth?"

  "I like her. What's all this about?"

  "I think you should marry her. You don't yell at her and make her cry. Nana Sophie thinks you should marry her, too."

  "Nana Sophie should butt the fuck out."

  "Joe! Don't use words like that."

  "Sorry, sugar. C'mon, lets get you to bed."

  THREE

  As much as Joe loved Maria and that little girl of hers, there were times when he would have to push them to the back of his mind. Even his mother had her own compartment. He couldn't let his personal life intrude when he had club shit to take care of. To do that would jeopardize his and his brothers' safety. It was a fine line that he walked, taking care of both his family in Fillmore and his club family.

  It was Amy's fifth birthday and as much as he'd have liked to, Joe wouldn't be able to see her. He was sure she didn't need him to have a nice day. His ma was having a tea party at her place, and Beth was going to be there. He just had to ignore the tiny, nagging voice that was telling him over and over again that he was just one more person letting her down, and deal with the matter at hand.

  The Serpientes MC were pushing deeper and deeper into the Bay View territory and they needed to be curtailed. But first the Freaks needed information about the heroin routes they were using, and for that they needed Joe. So while the little girl whom he loved more than life itself tucked into jelly and ice cream, he was smashing the fingers of a Mexican, one at a time, using a claw hammer.

  He never once saw the irony in what he did. As far as he was concerned you did whatever was necessary to take care of those you loved. He got no pleasure from hurting people, but he did get a sense of satisfaction from a job well done.

  The man in front of him screamed and begged for mercy. Joe gave a grim smile. Fucker wouldn't hold out for long. He nodded to the VP and Secretary, who stood by the door looking slightly sick. "I think our little friend is ready to talk."

  Walking outside, he lit a cigarette and pulled out his cell.

  "Hey Ma, she there?"

  "Hi honey. Yeah, hold on a sec. Amy, sweetheart. You wanna talk to Joe?"

  "Joe?"

  "Hey, sugar. I'm sorry I missed your birthday. Are you having a good time?"

  "I guess."

  "You mad at me?"

  "You promised, Joe."

  "I promised to try, sugar. I'll make it up to you."

  "Okay. Joe?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Mommy called you a bad word. She said…”

  "It's okay, I don't need to hear it. I can guess."

  "Joe?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Do you still love me?"

  "Of course I do."

  "Joe?"

  "Yeah?"

  "We're having cake. With candles. And jello."

  "Are you gonna save me some?"

  "Okay. Have you got me a present?"

  "Wait and see. I gotta go, sugar, I'll see you soon."

  "Kay. Love you, Joe."

  "Love you, too."

  Maria looked up and smiled as her daughter took her place back at the table. "Did you talk to Joe, sweetheart?"

  "He wants me to save him some cake." Amy watched as Nana Sophie lit the candles. "Don't yell at him when he comes."

  "Why do you think I'd yell at him?"

  "Mommeeee, you always yell if he don't come."

  "I'll try not to."

  Maria ran her hand over Amy's head. She was trying really hard this time. Since her last binge two months ago, she hadn't touched a drink and, apart from an occasional joint, had stayed away from drugs. More than anything, she wanted to be a good mom. Someone Joe thought worthy of making his old lady. He was probably right when he said that what they had was toxic. Sometimes she wished he would just stay away forever, and let her get on with her life. No, that was a lie. She needed him. More than the drink, more than drugs. She loved him so much she could barely breathe and, at times, hated him enough to rip out his heart.

  As she joined in singing 'Happy birthday,' she realized that this was the first time she had celebrated her daughter's birthday sober.

  Beth helped her niece to blow out the candles and smiled over at her sister. She really hoped that this time Maria had turned the corner. She knew she was trying to fight the demons inside her, and right now it seemed she was winning.

  There was a tiny, mean-spirited part of her that resented her older sister. She'd had it all. Beauty, a wonderful daughter. Joe. Yet it never seemed enough for her. While Beth worked hard for everything she had, Maria indulged herself or wallowed in self pity. Mostly, though, Beth was grateful for her wonderful niece, the opportunities she had been given, and that if he couldn't love her like she wished he would, Joe could be her friend.

  ~ oOo ~

  It was several weeks before Joe got the chance to be in Fillmore again. After a quick visit with his ma, he headed next door and let himself in. "Uncle Joe!" Amy threw herself at him. "Why didn't I hear you coming?"

  "Ain't on my bike, sugar."

  "How'd you get here then?" Amy seemed genuinely perplexed.

  "Bor
rowed my buddy's truck. Thought it was more suitable for taking you shopping."

  "I could go on your bike. I like going on your bike."

  "I know. But if we buy lots of toys we need a truck to get them home."

  Amy grinned. "Toys?"

  "You do like toys, right?"

  "You really are very silly, Uncle Joe."

  Joe grinned. "I guess I am. Why don't you get yourself ready, while I talk to Mommy."

  Maria smiled and kissed him softly. "Hey."

  "Hey, yourself." He touched her cheek. "You look great."

  "Thanks. I feel it." She looked down at her daughter. "Where you planning on taking her?"

  "Thought we could hit Toys R Us."

  "You! In a toy shop. I'd pay money to see that."

  "Come with us. There's room in the truck." He turned to Amy. "Wanna take Mommy too?"

  "Okay, but no yelling."

  Maria frowned. "We don't yell all the time."

  Amy rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

  "Oh shit. Five going on fifteen." Joe shook his head and crouched down. "We won't yell. Now how about we put those shoes on the right feet."

  Amy was beside herself with excitement. Her mommy and Joe were taking her shopping for toys and had promised not to yell. She sat between them in the truck and jiggled up and down. "Joe?"

  "Yes, sugar?"

  "Are you sure you know how to drive a truck?"

  "Reckon I can manage."

  Without doubt. This was the best day of her life. She had two Barbie dolls, a Barbie horse, a bright pink teddy, loads of paper and crayons and Mommy had said she could have a Happy Meal as a special treat. Best of all Mommy and Joe hadn't yelled once.

  She cuddled her pink teddy as Joe tucked her into bed. "Joe?"

  "Yes, sugar?"

  "You gonna stay the night?"

  "Maybe."

  "Mommy will cook pancakes for breakfast."

  "Pancakes, huh? Guess I'll have to stay, then."

  She grinned and handed him 'Winnie the Pooh.'

  "Now lay down an' let me tell you all about the heffalump.”

  FOUR

  "So, Sophia. I haven't see that son of yours in a while."

  Sophia pursed her lips and looked at her cards. She didn't need reminding that Joe had, for all intents and purposes, gone AWOL. "He's on the east coast. Has been for the last four months." She smiled through gritted teeth. "He should be home for Christmas."

  "You must be missing him."

  "I do." She looked over to the little girl laying on her belly, coloring in a picture of a unicorn. "Not as much as her, though."

  "Mommy fall off the wagon again?"

  She nodded. "I had hoped that this time… It's like a sickness inside her." She sighed. "I hate to say this, Betty, but maybe if Joe stuck around more, she'd find it easier to cope."

  "I thought you didn't like the idea of those two together." Betty gave her old friend a smile. "Reckon you thought Beth was better daughter-in-law material."

  "I did. Still do. But that dumbass son of mine can't see it. In their own twisted way, him and Maria love each other." She looked back at her cards. It wasn't that she didn't care about Maria. She did. And she adored Amy. But she wasn't strong enough to be with a man like Joe. He needed someone who wasn't going to fall apart if he went away, and more importantly, was strong enough to stand shoulder to shoulder with him when he was around. Sophia Taylor was no fool. She knew what her son was and had a pretty good idea what he did. She also knew that he had to take his share of responsibility for Maria's mental state. He would disappear for weeks, months on end and, when he was around, try and lay down the law or make promises he couldn't keep. It wasn't just Maria he was hurting. His behavior wasn't helping Amy either. She knew he loved them both, but she also knew that love wasn't enough.

  Joe zipped up his hoodie and, leaning on the clubhouse wall, lit a cigarette. Not for the first time, he wondered if agreeing to this secondment to New York had been a good idea. They had been desperate for bodies while a third of their number were in the joint, and as a chapter, they earned big. Drugs were not something he was comfortable dealing with. Most of the west coast chapters avoided them, preferring to deal in stolen car parts or protection runs. But here it was how they made most of their money.

  He always felt like a hypocrite sending the cash he'd earned from drug running to Maria. Especially now, after his ma told him she thought she was using again. He sighed. He was committed now. Whether he liked it or not, he wouldn't be returning to California for at least two months.

  He turned and walked back into the New York clubhouse, his senses assaulted by the stench of sweat, weed and cheap perfume. As he scanned the room his eyes fell on the raven-haired beauty who had become a favorite of his during his stay. Nodding to her, he headed out back. New York did have some redeeming features.

  Maria climbed out of bed. "Hey." She pushed the body still laying there. "You need to leave." Without waiting for an answer, she headed to the bathroom and turned on the shower. Maybe the scalding water could wash away the filth. Shit, she hated herself so much. She scrubbed and scrubbed but the feeling wouldn't go away. She had promised Joe she wouldn't do this again, although maybe if he hadn't taken off to New York she wouldn't have gotten all twisted up again. Fucking Joe. Fucking piece of shit. It was all his fault. Her skin was raw and starting to bleed as she scrubbed harder. No, this wasn't Joe's fault. She was the weak and pathetic one. No wonder he didn't want to stick around.

  The water was running cold, she turned it off and dried herself roughly before dressing herself and returning to the bedroom to remove the stranger from her bed before Amy came home.

  Amy woke and stretched. She had stayed at Nana Sophie's again. She sat up and looked out of the window. Maybe Joe would come home today. She sighed, she knew that Mommy and Nana Sophie had said he wouldn't be home till Christmas, but she still hoped that, maybe, they were wrong. Amy hated it when Joe was away. Her mommy started going out all the time, and when she was home, her hands shook and she just slept all the time. She wondered if it was her fault. Maybe if she wasn't naughty Joe would want to stay and Mommy would stop being so sad.

  It was late as Joe rode turned onto his ma's road. Despite the obvious poverty of the area, the houses were decked out with colored lights, giving the place a festive feel. Only one was in darkness, and he felt his heart sink. Fucking Maria. Would it kill her to hang some lights outside the house? Amy didn't need reminding what a deadbeat her mother was.

  Instead of going to his ma's, he let himself into her house and headed straight for the bedroom. He guessed Maria was in—her car was on the driveway. "Maria?”

  "Shit! Joe!”

  The man on top of her grunted, then gasped as he felt the barrel of a gun pressed against his temple. "What the?”

  "Shut up, asshole." Joe glanced at Maria. "I'm going next door. I want that piece of shit gone by the time I get back." He chuckled. "Wouldn't wanna get blood all over your sheets."

  "Joe, I…”

  "Don't wanna hear it, M." He turned and marched back out of the house without a backward glance.

  Maria laid back against the pillows. "Shit."

  "Who the fuck was that?"

  "That was your worst nightmare." She gave a tiny smile that failed to reach her eyes. "You better leave. If you're still here when he gets back, he'll probably kill us both."

  "Joe!" Sophia dropped her knitting on the floor and, getting to her feet, pulled him into a hug. "I wasn't expecting you till the end of the week."

  Joe shrugged and returned the hug. "Amy here?"

  "She's asleep. Leave her till the morning."

  "I won't wake her." A lie, they both knew. He headed for the stairs. "She okay?"

  "I don't know, Joe. She's getting older, noticing things." She frowned. "You two need to sort yourselves out, one way or another. Cuz right now it's that little girl in there that's getting hurt."

  Joe sat on the edge of the bed and gently st
roked her hair. She always slept like this, curled tightly into a ball, with her thumb in her mouth. She stirred at his touch and opened her eyes. "Joe?"

  "Hey, sugar." He pulled off his hoodie and his cut then lay down next to her, smiling as her arms snaked around his neck.

  "Joe?" Her voice was drowsy, full of sleep.

  "Yes, sugar?"

  "I missed you."

  "I missed you, too."

  "Uncle Joe?"

  "Yeah?"

  "I knew you'd come home." She snuggled closer. "Mommy's been real sad. Please don't yell at her."

  "I'll try not to."

  "Uncle Joe?"

  "Go to sleep, we can talk in the morning."

  "Okay. Joe?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Did you bring me candy?"

  "Course I did. Now go back to sleep."

  "Joe?"

  "Yeah?"

  "I'm really glad you're home."

  "Me too." He kissed her forehead. “Night sugar. Sweet dreams.”

  He had planned on going back next door to have it out with Maria. But as he laid next to her, he realized that right now Amy needed him more. His ma was right. All this shit with him and Maria was fucking her up. So tonight he would put her needs first. Maria could wait.

  FIVE

  Joe sat on the doorstep trying to figure out how he was going to tell them he was leaving. He had tried, really tried. They both had. Coming home and finding Maria stoned out of her mind with a stranger in her bed had been a wake-up call. He couldn't keep disappearing from her life anymore.

  Amy too, was clearly suffering. She had been clingy and needy in the weeks following his homecoming. Actually crying whenever he had to go to Bay View for a few days.

  He had managed to keep a lid on his temper. Maria was vulnerable, more fragile than he'd ever seen her. Yelling at her for fucking someone when he was away would be counter-productive and, given his own behavior, hypocritical.

  For nearly six months he had managed to split his time between Fillmore, Bay View and Vegas, ensuring he got to spend as much time as he could with them, and for the first few weeks it had looked like things might actually work out for them. Maria had managed to clean up her act, and they'd kept the fights to a minimum. They'd even had a proper Christmas with a tree, and Amy had a stocking full of gifts from Santa.