Lily

by Greenwood, Leigh

  "Does that include Anthony Bellrose?"

  "Him and the rest of your friends."

  Zac laughed. "You sound dangerously radical. That's not considered a popular trait in a woman. Were you always this feisty?"

  "Yes, but nobody paid me any attention. Papa said I was just talking to make him mad. Mama thought I wanted to shock people. My brothers through I was crazy. I had no choice but to run away."

  "That may well be, but you're not going to get where you want to go from here," Zac said.

  "I don't understand."

  "You need to get away from me."

  "I still don't understand."

  But she did. She had known for a long time Zac didn't think he was worth very much. She realized it was part of the reason he had such a patter, talked so much, was always making people laugh. He didn't want anybody to get to know him, to get close. With the girls, he kept things on a very businesslike basis. Only Dodie could occasionally step inside his perimeter of defense, and then not very far.

  "You're not going to find the kind of husband you want hanging around me. The Little Corner of Heaven is on the edge of the Barbary Coast, the most lawless part of any city outside of the Tenderloin District in New Orleans. I did that on purpose. You know why? Because I wanted to attract men who were gamblers, who were willing to risk losing their last dollar for the sake of a game."

  "But Dodie says you get men from some of the best families in San Francisco."

  "I get the worst men from some of the best families, the ones who can't hold a job, who see more of their mistresses than they do of their wives, who probably wouldn't recognize their children. The dregs of society come to my saloon. Not only are you not going to meet anyone suitable there, if you don't get out soon, you'll get a reputation that will keep you out of society."

  "I don't care about that."

  "You just think you don't. You're having fun now. It's all new and exciting, but it won't last. It doesn't even for the girls. Haven't you seen how fast they leave?"

  "Yes, but--"

  "Most of them are like you. They come in all starry eyed and expecting something wonderful. It doesn't take them long to realize there's nothing behind the glitter and the excitement. They soon figure out the people who come to the Little Corner of Heaven are trying to escape the very kind of life they want. So as soon as they get a chance, they get married and get out."

  "What about you?"

  "I crave the excitement. Cards are like a living thing for me. The game, the gamble, the excitement, are better than any woman. I don't have to worry what anybody thinks about what I do, say, or think. I don't have to worry about ruining my wife's reputation, driving her friends away, or giving my children a name unfit to take into society.

  "Fortunately for you, my family has excellent connections. I just got a letter from Madison. He'll be moving here in a month or so. Between him and Tyler, they can introduce you to just about everybody who counts. Even George and Jeff visit from time to time. Anybody they don't know isn't worth knowing."

  "I don't want to be introduced to a bunch of strangers just because they're rich," Lily said.

  "I didn't say anything about being rich," Zac said. "But if they are, it's all the better. I'm talking about the kind of people Mrs. Thoragood would approve of. Your father isn't the only person who disapproves of me. Most people do. They disapprove of Dodie and everybody else who works here. You've got to leave the saloon and forget about us. We'll only bring you down."

  "Why do you think so little of yourself?" Lily asked.

  Chapter Fourteen

  He did. And he didn't. But that was going to be hard to explain. He wasn't even sure he understood it himself, not to put into words. It was just a feeling that had been there as long as he could remember.

  "We're not talking about what I think," he answered, aware he was avoiding her question, "but what people who really matter think. They don't have anything to do with gamblers, not even one who tries to run a straight house. They especially don't approve of the women who work for us. There's no use saying it's unfair. It is, but there's nothing you or I can do to change it."

  She was quiet. He knew she was mulling over what he'd said. He could tell from her expression she was finding it hard to digest.

  "I'm not going to try to talk you into returning to Virginia, even though I told Mrs. Thoragood I would. It would be the best thing for you, but I understand why you won't. I ran away from my family for much the same reasons."

  "Then you understand--"

  "Of course I understand. Why do you think I didn't send you back right way? I knew it was wrong not to, but I also knew it would have killed me to live with George and Rose for the rest of my life. I love them dearly, but I couldn't do it."

  "Then why are you sending me away now?"

  She knew he meant it. She'd gotten around him before, but she wouldn't this time. This whole evening, the yacht, the dinner, the seriousness of his expression had the appearance of finality. She might refuse to do want he asked, but that wouldn't enable her to keep on performing at the Little Corner of Heaven. She could go home, go back to Bella, or go stay with Tyler, but she wouldn't be part of life at the saloon any longer.

  "Because you're not like Dodie and me. You're not really different from your family. You believe in most of the same things. You want the same kind of life. The only real difference is you want to be treated as a person, not a thing.

  "You'll want your husband home every night in bed beside you. You'll be broken hearted if he even thinks about being anywhere else. You'll expect him to go to church and be active in the community."

  "What's wrong with that?"

  "Nothing, but you won't find that kind of man in the Little Corner of Heaven."

  "You're there."

  Zac laughed, a harsh sound. "Stop fighting it, Lily. You belong to one world; I belong to another. Nothing is ever going to bring the two together."

  "What about all the good things you do for the girls?"

  "That doesn't count. I do it for the wrong kind of women. But that's not all. Have you looked down the street? Have you seen who my neighbors are? Saloons, gambling halls, grog shops, places like Salem House, dives where men are doped and wake up to find themselves on a ship heading to China. That's where I work, that's the kind of people I meet every day. Apparently I'm like my father, minus a few of his most objectionable traits. I'm not the kind of person a decent woman ought to know."

  "That's ridiculous. You're as good as anybody I know, and that includes the Thoragoods."

  Zac didn't know what it was going to take before she would see him for what he was. She'd made up her mind and wasn't about to change it. At least she'd made it up in his favor. It was rather nice to know at least one person who saw only good in him. It didn't change anything, but it sure made him feel good.

  However, his feeling good wasn't going to help Lily.

  "It's nice of you to feel that way," Zac said. "I'll see about moving you to the Palace Hotel first thing in the morning. Zac and Daisy will look after you."

  "I couldn't possibly afford to stay there, not even if I kept working at the saloon."

  "Don't worry. You'll be treated like one of the family. Besides, they'll find you a job as a nanny or a lady's companion in no time."

  "What if I don't go?"

  "You don't have any choice. Mrs. Thoragood came to see me, flanked by her ladies’ auxiliary. Don't you understand what that means?"

  Lily shook her head.

  "It means they're giving you one last chance to save yourself. You turn this one down, and they'll turn their backs on you."

  "They haven't been any help to me."

  "Mrs. Thoragood has persuaded Bella to let you have your room back. Mrs. Wellborn and Mrs. Chickalee will each hire you for half a day. I think you ought to tell them to go to hell and march yourself straight off to the Palace, but it's up to you."

  "I'd rather keep doing what I'm doing now."

  Why didn
't she give up? Didn't she realize this was as hard on him as it was on her? If she'd just yield to the inevitable, it would be a whole lot easier on both of them.

  "Damnation, Lily. Use your head. Men are gambling over you. They're shooting each other in the street. Before you know it, your name will be a byword throughout the Coast. It won't matter what you're really like. It'll only matter what people say about you. I know you've brought in hundreds of extra customers, but I'd have to be more selfish than I am not to fire you. I know I'll make less money, but to keep on would ruin you."

  Lily got a very stubborn look about her mouth. Even in the dim light Zac could tell she was angry, having trouble controlling her temper. "I know you don't like it, and I don't blame you, but there's no other choice."

  She didn't answer. She just kept looking at him, the hurt big in her eyes. He thought she was going to cry. If she did, he might as well jump overboard and start swimming for shore. He couldn't stand that. He'd promise her anything she wanted, and then they'd be in a worse situation than they were now.

  "I think you ought to move back to Bella's as soon as you we get back. But whatever you decide needs to be done by tomorrow. No point in putting it off."

  She didn't answer, just sat there staring at her hands in her lap. It made him feel like a villain. He could cheerfully have strangled Mrs. Thoragood. She had gotten him into this.

  No, he had gotten himself into it when he hadn't taken better care of Lily from the start. Maybe he couldn't have forced her to return to Virginia, but he could have done better than Bella Holt. He could have made sure she got a decent job.

  Yet he couldn't blame himself everything. It wasn't wicked or immoral to want to keep Lily around because he liked her, because he enjoyed her company or wanted to be near her innocence.

  Maybe that was it. He'd never known anybody as guileless as Lily, anyone so unable to see anything but good in others. It amazed him; it appalled him; it scared him to death. So far she'd managed to survive, but it was a miracle.

  He couldn't fool himself into thinking he was keeping her around to protect her. He'd let her go off with Bella. He'd let her start dancing. He'd let her move into the saloon. Some protector he was.

  Then how the hell did he feel about her? Damned if he knew, and that bothered him more than anything.

  "Can we go up on deck?" Lily asked.

  "I thought you were cold."

  "Not anymore."

  Zac helped her up the narrow stairs. After sitting so long, it felt odd to be walking, especially with the movement of the yacht as it rode the waves.

  The night was surprisingly clear. A ferry boat left the waterfront. Bright lights sparkled along the many piers, some of them red and green, throwing splashes of soft wavering color on the water. The city streets up the steep hills twinkled like stars. Across the bay, the lights of Berkeley winked at them from the upper slopes. The dark, dim land masses and the blackness of the sky above left a solemn and mysterious sense of vastness and loneliness.

  Lily carried the shawl, but she didn't wrap it around her. She walked directly to the rail. "So much water. It's hard to imagine this much." She turned to look out over the bay toward the ocean. "Have you ever wondered what's out there, beyond where you can see, across the oceans?"

  "I've seen enough Chinese here in San Francisco to guess what it's like."

  "There's more to the world than China. Or India. Or the Ottoman Empire. So much more, and I've never seen any of it."

  "You wouldn't like most of it," Zac said.

  "How do you know?"

  "They don't like women to have any freedom. Some places they won't even let you go outside."

  She turned to face him. "Are you trying to make me think my father isn't so bad after all?"

  "No, but he isn't. He might be bossy, but he does love you."

  "How do you know all this?" she asked without turning around.

  Zac laughed. People were always surprised when a gambler seemed to know anything beyond cards. "George saw to it I got the best education money could buy. He even sent me to Harvard before I ran away to New Mexico and got stuck in a blizzard with Tyler. Besides, ships come here from all over the world. You can learn a lot just by listening."

  He joined her at the rail. The wind was getting stronger, but she made no move to put on her shawl. She turned to face him, her back resting against the rail. "Why did you bring me here? You could have told me this at the saloon."

  "I told you. I wanted a quiet night."

  "Then we could have gone upstairs, down the street, to Mr. Thoragood. Thousands of other places. Why a yacht? It's normally considered a romantic gesture, and I'm not sure you even like me. You certainly consider me a headache. Don't deny it. There's no point in trying to spare my feelings. I know I've been a bother to you from the moment I got into town.

  "I never wanted to be. I had good intentions, but things didn't work out the way I expected. All those men kept following me and then everybody got so skittish. I never could understand why."

  "Don't you, really?"

  "No. They weren't doing anything wrong. If anyone should have been annoyed, I was the one. Oh, I know it's not considered proper to talk to strange men, but nothing happened. For that matter, it's probably worse for me to be on this boat with you."

  "I'm your cousin. Besides, there's the crew."

  She turned back to face the water. "I guess there's no point. You're getting rid of me at last. Is that why you brought me here, to fill me with good food, to show me this wonderful view? Was it to soften the blow so I wouldn't feel so rejected?"

  "I never meant that."

  "Because if it was, you failed. I've never felt more rejected in my whole life. You don't even think I'm pretty."

  Zac took her by the arms and turned her until she faced him. "You're crazy. Everybody thinks you're beautiful. Stunning. And terribly nice. What do you think the fighting is all about? Nobody does this for other women. Surely you can see that."

  "You don't think I'm stunning."

  "Of course I do."

  "You can't. You have never once tried to seduce me. You haven't even wanted to kiss me."

  Zac didn't say anything. He just stared at her, wondering what she was going to say next.

  "Surely you didn't think I was so naive I didn't know what all the fuss was about. Even in Salem, women get seduced and have to get married because they're going to have a baby. People kiss, too. Not Papa. He says . . . Never mind what he says. But I've seen it. It looks very nice. I once asked Mary Beth -- she's one of my friends back home -- and she said it was one of the most wonderful things in the world."

  "Hasn't anybody kissed you?"

  "No."

  "Not even your precious Hezekiah."

  "He agrees with Papa. He thinks a minister should--"

  "I know what he thinks. Didn't that damned cold fish ever hold you hand?"

  "No."

  Zac held out his hands. Lily put her hands in his. They felt big and strong and warm. She felt the pressure as his fingers closed over hers. It was a nice feeling, being touched. She realized her father had never touched her, at least not in the way of kindness. No young man had dared touch her at all.

  "Don't let go," she said when she felt the pressure grow slack. "I like it. Do people normally touch each other a lot?" She'd never thought about it until now, but she didn't remember seeing many people touch.

  "Some people touch all the time. Others not so much. It depends on what they like."

  "I think I would like being touched a lot," Lily said. "Does that make me bad?"

  "Not in my book. Of course I don't think Mrs. Thoragood would approve of it."

  "I don't care about Mrs. Thoragood."

  She didn't. She never had. She didn't know why Zac worried about her so much.

  "This may sound awful," Lily said, not daring to look at Zac, "but would you put your arm around me? I saw Mary Beth and Sam doing it, and she seemed to like it a lot."

  Zac
looked at her strangely.

  "You don't have to if you don't want to. I just thought it might be nice, and since I didn't know anybody else I could ask . . . "

  She didn't have the courage to look Zac in the eye. She didn't know how she found the nerve to make such a request.

  "I'd be happy to," Zac said, with a softness in his voice she'd never heard before. "But you'd better wrap that shawl around you. It's getting cold."

  Lily didn't feel the cold. Excitement, combined with the heat of embarrassment, warmed her from head to toe.

  Zac's hold on her was tentative. She wondered if he didn't want to hold her. She wondered if she was doing something wrong.

  "You have to relax and lean a little toward me," Zac said, his voice gentle on the breeze.

  Lily hadn't realized she was so stiff. And scared. What if Zac was only doing this because she asked him. She realized now she wanted him to want to hold her. Not just because she'd never been held before, but because she'd been wanting Zac to do exactly that from the moment she first set eyes on him.

  It was about time she faced up to the fact she'd had a crush on him from the moment she saw him. She hadn't realized it until just now, but it would have been impossible for her to fall in love with Hezekiah or anyone else. She had come to California because she knew unconsciously she had to answer the question about Zac before she could do anything else.

  Only she hadn't recognized the answer when she found it. She only understood now because he was telling her she had to go away. She was in love with Zac Randolph, and she couldn't go away without some evidence, however slight, that he at least liked her.

  People didn't love because it was sensible. If so, she'd have loved Hezekiah. Neither did they love because somebody wanted them to. Otherwise, Zac would have loved Dodie. It was a chance thing when it happened. Only in their case it didn't seem to work both ways.

  She'd fallen in love with Zac, but he hadn't fallen in love with her. Very bad planning on somebody's part.