Lily

by Greenwood, Leigh

  "You ought to live somewhere else entirely, and you shouldn't work here at all."

  "It hardly makes sense to live elsewhere when Zac has to be here all night and I all day."

  "He ought to change his line of business. It's not at all suitable for a minister's daughter."

  "I ceased to be a minister's daughter when I became a gambler's wife." Lily's patience was getting short. She was tired of people criticizing Zac, acting as through he were some terrible person just because he liked to gamble.

  "You will never cease to be a minister's daughter," Sarah Thoragood said.

  "Then let's say my allegiance to my husband is greater than mine to my father."

  Sarah opened her mouth to speak.

  "The Bible does say a woman should leave her family and cleave only to her husband."

  "But it doesn't say she should marry a gambler."

  "All of life is a gamble. Zac just does a little more of it than most people."

  "If you persist in thinking your husband can do no wrong--"

  "I'm sure he could do quite a lot of wrong if he wanted," Lily said, "but Zac is kind, generous, thoughtful, and wonderfully protective. I couldn't have found a better husband in the whole world."

  "You're besotted!"

  "Yes, I'm afraid I am."

  "You're not going to quote the Bible to excuse that, are you?"

  "No, but Papa says if you're going to believe a thing, you ought to believe it with your whole heart."

  "It's too bad you didn't learn all your father's lessons so thoroughly," Sarah Thoragood scolded. "Don't think you've heard the last of this. I'll be back."

  And with that, she turned and marched out of the saloon.

  * * * * *

  The rain was a torrential downpour. No one was going to bring a horse out in this weather. Either it would sink in the mud or fall and break a leg on the slippery cobblestones. Zac couldn't even find a rickshaw from Chinatown.

  "Nobody's going to move until the rain slacks off," Zac said. "You'll have to wait a while."

  "I don't mind."

  "I do. I don't like you being here any longer than necessary."

  Lily yawned. She was tired. She hadn't said anything to Zac, but being at the saloon for more than twelve hours a day was beginning to wear her down.

  "I think I'll go up to your room and put my feet up." She was thinking more of lying down.

  "It shouldn't be too long," Zac called up the stairs after her. "You want me to have someone bring up some coffee?"

  "No. Just let me know when you can get a cab."

  In the meantime she meant to figure out what to do next. Zac had been more jumpy than usual since the night he'd admitted to being afraid of love. She'd decided to give him a little time to work things out in his own mind. But if he was too slow, she had every intention of pushing the issue along. She was tired of being a wife in name only. She might have come from the country, but she knew a wife was supposed to share her husband's life, home, and bed.

  Chapter Twenty

  Zac climbed the stairs, his footsteps making brushing sounds as his shoes grazed the carpet. The noise from the saloon faded as he turned a corner and mounted the last few steps. His customers hadn't minded the rain. They'd simply ordered more to drink and gambled a little harder. It should turn out to be a very profitable night.

  He had never known it to rain so hard for so long. It was past eleven o’clock. Lily would be exhausted. He was surprised she hadn't come downstairs earlier. She might complain about returning to Bella's at ten o'clock each night, but he knew she was always tired. She might say she came to the saloon only because she was lonely, but Zac knew she worked very hard. Only one week had passed since Dodie had left, and already Lily was beginning to put her stamp on some phases of the saloon's operation. The girls had begun to dress more modestly. Much to Zac's surprise, nobody complained.

  He opened the door to his bedroom, words on his lips. They died there. The room shimmered in soft gaslight. Lily lay sound asleep on his bed. His first impulse was to close the door and let her sleep, but he knew he couldn't. He drew closer to wake her, but didn't. The strangest feeling came over him. He couldn't describe it. He'd never felt it before. It was almost one of reverent disbelief.

  It was hard to believe there was another woman in the entire world as lovely and innocent as Lily. That she trusted him was hard to believe. That she saw only good in him was incredible. That he only had to reach out and she would gladly become his was something he didn't even allow himself to think about.

  He felt he was gazing down on the most precious human being in the entire universe. Nowhere could there be a woman more worthy of a devotion so single-minded it superceded all other loyalties. It made him feel almost desperate to keep her safe from unhappiness as well as from physical harm. It terrified him that he might lose her. He knew now if he lost her, he would lose the best part of himself as well.

  The intensity, the magnitude of it startled and frightened Zac. He'd never felt anything so powerful, so profound in all his life, and he didn't know how to react. To be honest, it scared him silly. It scared him so much he didn't even hear the steps in the hall or the knock on the door.

  "You going to want this cab any time soon?"

  The voice caused him to jump and turn.

  "I can't stand around waiting," the cabby complained. "I could get a dozen fares right now."

  "I'm coming," Zac said, pulling himself together. "She's fallen asleep. I was just trying to figure out how to get her to Bella's without waking her."

  "I guess you'll have to carry her."

  "I can't leave the saloon."

  "Then I guess you'll have to wake her. You can't be in two places at once."

  Zac looked down as Lily sleeping and knew he didn't have to heart to disturb her sleep.

  "What the hell!" Zac said. "The worst that can happen is they burn the place down. That would give me a chance to build a bigger and better saloon."

  "That's the spirit," the cabby said with a grin. "Look on the bright side of things."

  * * * * *

  All day Lily walked on air. Zac had left the saloon to take her home last night. She hadn't considered it important until one of the girls pointed out it was the first time anybody had come between Zac and his saloon while it was open. They were staggered he had actually left the premises for an hour.

  It was flattering. It was exciting. It was wonderful.

  Lily sailed through her work with only half her mind on what she was doing. The girls assumed something quite different had happened. They greeted Lily with sly smiles, winks, leading questions, each one an invitation to share with them the secrets of the evening.

  But that was something Lily wouldn't do, even if she had had something to share. She went about her work, humming, smiling to herself for no reason, and generally throwing every female in the place into feverish curiosity and speculation. It was a welcome relief when Kitty came in carrying her baby.

  Only she was crying.

  "What's wrong?" Lily asked, her own happiness put aside.

  "Mama's after me to forget about Jack. She says he's run off and I'll never see him again. She wants me to marry this man who lives up the street from us. He says he'll take good care of me and the baby."

  "Do you like him?"

  "Yes, but he's not Jack. I know he didn't run off. I know in my heart he was shanghaied and is chained up in the bottom of some awful ship."

  They had had this conversation before. There was nothing new to be said.

  "Why did you bring the baby? It's nearly time for you to get dressed."

  "Mama had to go see a doctor. This fog is bad for her lungs. She'll be back soon."

  "Here, let me hold the baby while you dress."

  "You sure you don't mind?"

  "Of course not. I've visited you at least a dozen times already just so I could hold him."

  "You're so good to me."

  "Nonsense. It's just selfishness," L
ily said holding out her arms for the baby.

  "Okay. I'll be back down in a jiffy," Kitty said. "If Zac was to find you holding a baby, it'd probably give him a heart attack."

  Both women laughed, but it set up a train of thought in Lily's mind that had been just below the surface ever since she got married. She tried not to let herself think about it, but Kitty was right. It would scare Zac to death.

  The baby started to cry. "I didn't mean to ignore you, darling," Lily said in a crooning voice. "I promise to give you all my attention until your mama comes back."

  She stood up and started to walk slowly about the room, singing softly as she went. The baby stopped crying and looked up at her with big, blue eyes. He was such a beautiful baby. He had a head of fuzzy brown hair, a pug nose, and a tiny mouth that turned enormous when he yawned. He was nearly four months old, but he was still small. Lily hoped he wasn't going to be short. It was so important to a man's self esteem to be tall. Like her father and brothers.

  Like Zac.

  Zac's son would have black eyes and hair, just like his father. He'd be big and noisy, demanding what he wanted with loud yells, not soft whimpering cries. He'd be strong. He'd reach out and grab what he wanted. His mouth would be stubborn, his chin jutting when he got angry which he would do whenever he was hungry or wet or tired or just plain ornery.

  But he'd be gorgeous. When he was happy, he'd have a smile that would melt any heart in the world. Even her Papa's. Then maybe he would forgive her for running away.

  It would be so nice to see Mama again. Lily had missed her mother. She'd often been angry at her for not standing up for her against her father, but that didn't change the fact she loved her mother and missed her and the boys. They were rough, noisy, and almost as convinced as Papa they were superior to every female in the world, but they spoiled her, watched out for her, were proud of her.

  And of course she wanted to see Papa. They were too much alike to ever be able to live comfortably in the same house, but it was this very similarity that made them mean so much to each other. She missed his strength, his comforting presence, knowing he cared enough to argue with her.

  She chuckled.

  She'd miss them most at Christmas. That was the time when they managed to put aside all their differences and enjoy the best in each other.

  They always let her go with them to choose the Christmas tree. They swore every year they wouldn't, but they always did. She wouldn't let them cut any but the very best tree. Papa said it was a pagan custom, but he always put the star on the top. He made them wait until January sixth to open their presents, reminding them the Wise Men didn't have trains. They had to cross the desert by camel.

  She could almost taste Mama's Christmas goose served with pork sausage and cornbread dressing. There was always so much food, venison, baked apples with walnuts, corn, beans, the last of the turnips, and plates of steaming biscuits to slather with fresh butter. For dessert there was sweet potato and pecan pie served with thick whipped cream. And later, while they sat around the fire before going to bed, they would devour mounds of oatmeal cookies along with a bowl of hot, mulled apple cider.

  It would be nice to go home for Christmas.

  * * * * *

  Zac found her walking the baby and singing Christmas carols, tears streaming down her face. A cowardly inner voice counseled him to turn around, go back to his room, and not come out again for at least an hour. It sounded exactly like the kind of advice he would have taken only a few weeks ago. With a fatalistic sigh, he ignored it.

  He couldn't stand to see Lily cry. He had no idea what had caused it, but he had to try to fix it. He doubted he could -- he usually made things worse -- but he had to try.

  "Do you always cry when you sing Christmas carols?" he asked. It wasn't the right thing to say, but he couldn't think of anything else.

  She turned to him quickly, a smile brightening her face.

  "I was just being sentimental, singing the baby to sleep and thinking about going home for Christmas. That combination is guaranteed to make any woman cry."

  Zac decided he'd never understand women. That combination was enough to give him the shakes. If he were a drinking man, he'd head straight for the bar and order a double something.

  "Of course you'll go home for Christmas," he said. "It won't take more than a few days on the train."

  "I was just thinking about the way it used it be, when I was little. It'll never be the same."

  "Nothing ever is. Growing up changes everything."

  "Maybe I don't want to grow up."

  "Are you already tired of being independent? What happened to that determined rebel?"

  She laughed. That made him feel a little better, but he still hadn't gotten at something which was hidden behind her sadness.

  "I still feel like that most of the time, but sometimes I just want to cozy up in a corner for a while."

  "Feeling homesick?"

  "A little. Papa never did write. Did you feel homesick when you ran away?"

  "I never got a chance. George peppered me with so many letters -- all containing bitingly personal contributions from Rose -- I was glad I wasn't anywhere near Texas."

  "I wouldn't mind what Papa said. I just wish he'd write."

  "He will. He's probably just trying to figure out what he wants to say."

  "Papa's never in doubt about what he wants to say."

  Zac could believe that. The infernal man apparently never stopped talking.

  Zac felt himself growing a little sentimental just watching Lily. She was holding the baby close and singing again. The little brat didn't look too frightful. At least he was quiet. Having a baby wouldn't be so bad if they were all like this one.

  Vivid memories of Rose's twins, Adam and Jordy, and Jeff's pair caused Zac to shudder. Maybe other people's babies were all right, but Randolph offspring ought to be branded and turned out on the range to fight it out with the wild beasts until they were at least sixteen.

  If Lily wanted a letter from her father, she'd get one. He'd light a fire under the old cuss if he had to write a letter himself. It wasn't a bit of good going around preaching about Christian duty if you couldn't remember your own.

  Kitty came hurrying down the stairs, interrupting Lily's singing and Zac's rambling thoughts. She looked embarrassed and a trifle nervous he should have found Lily holding her baby. He knew she was aware it was strictly against the rules to bring children into the Little Corner of Heaven.

  "I'll take him," she said reaching for her child, even though Lily didn't seem ready to give him up. "You must have a hundred things to do."

  "I don't mind. Really."

  But Kitty insisted, so Lily gave him up.

  "Come on," Zac said. "Let's go to my office."

  Lily hesitated, her wistful gaze following Kitty and the baby.

  Touched by the longing in her eyes, Zac put his arm around Lily. "You'll have babies of your own one of these days, and Christmas trees, and so many visitors you'll wish half of them had stayed home. I know I'm being silly," she said, shaking off her melancholy mood. "You must know women are terribly sentimental."

  Actually he'd never thought about it. He'd always considered himself an expert on women, but Lily was rapidly showing him that was a mistaken assumption.

  "You've probably just been working too hard," he said, guiding her to his office. He put his hand under her chin and lifted her face to his. "You look a little tired."

  Lily broke away and entered the office ahead of him. "Are you hinting I'm losing my looks?"

  "No, just that I've been too selfish to notice you've been working too hard."

  Lily's eyes glistened with moisture. "I think I'll last a few more days."

  "I hope so. I'd miss you if you weren't here." He closed the door. "Now tell me the real reason you were crying."

  Lily looked him straight in the eye and said, "I want a baby."

  Every bit of concern and worry for Lily vanished from Zac's thoughts to be repla
ced by pure panic. He dropped into his chair with what he was certain was a stupidly stunned look on his face. He should have taken the coward's way out and hidden in his room, but it was too late now. He didn't think he had the strength to get out of the chair, even if he had had the nerve.

  "You can't just go out and order one," Zac managed to say. "You have to . . . we would need to . . . but you wouldn't want to . . . "

  Oh Hell! This was the one conversation he'd hoped to avoid, and he'd walked right smack into it.

  Damnation! Where was Rose when he needed her?

  "I don't know if I would or not," Lily said. She obviously felt much more comfortable with this discussion than Zac. "Papa says it's a woman's duty to her husband. Mama says a woman must suffer for the sake of children."

  "Good lord!" Zac exclaimed. "If that's the way they talk in Salem, I'm surprised the place hasn't dried up and blown away."

  "I decided it can't be too terrible," Lily said. "Everybody has babies. Except Mary Ellen Warren. Mama says she wants one awful bad."

  Zac decided this conversation was a perfect reason why he made it a rule to avoid the company of married women. All this talk of babies was enough to make a man start looking around for a means of escape.

  It also made him as hot as a Chinese firecracker. What it took to make babies had been on his mind almost without interruption from the moment they had finished that fake marriage ceremony. Of course he hadn't put much emphasis on the baby part.

  Well, actually none.

  But here was Lily talking about it like it was the one desire of her life. He tried to tell himself he couldn't make love to Lily unless he loved her, certainly not until the marriage was official. Neither would it be right to risk giving her a baby when the thought of conventional married life gave him the shakes.

  But he wanted her badly. The battle going on inside him had resulted in more than one sleepless night. His head hadn't been clear enough for gambling all week.

  "Do you think we could have a baby?" Lily asked.

  Zac swallowed. "It wouldn't get here in time for Christmas."