Lily

by Greenwood, Leigh

  "What do you mean?"

  "Don't look so frightened. I don't mean anything terrible. I just realize being married involves more than trying to make a baby."

  "I like that part."

  Zac smiled. He liked that part, too. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about it since she moved out of the saloon. His body was ramrod stiff with the tension accumulated during this seemingly endless period of abstinence. Now it was all he could do to keep his hands off Lily. But he knew, nice as it was, it wouldn't fix what was wrong between them.

  She looked so small, so frightened, so alone. He walked across the room and took her hands into his. "I like that part, too. I don't mean to stop. It's just that there's more."

  "What do you mean?"

  "The first thing is to get you out of Bella's."

  "I don't want to go back to the hotel. I'd rather stay where I am."

  "I don't mean the hotel or Bella's. I mean a house of our own. A home."

  He could see Lily's eyes light up. He was an idiot not to have understood this before now. Every woman wanted a home. It was just men who thought houses were a burden. For a woman they were as essential as the very clothes she wore.

  "Where is it? Can I see it?"

  He couldn't help smiling. She was adorable when she got excited. She forgot everything, his being mad at her, their awful marriage, and the innocence shone through like a single star in an empty sky. It was times like this when he wished he could give her the wholehearted love she wanted so much. Well he couldn't, so there was no use berating himself about it. At least he loved her enough to make the changes that were necessary to her happiness.

  And his.

  He'd gotten used to having her around. She never bored him. No two days were ever alike. She was a lot of trouble, but much to his surprise he didn't mind it. Now that he had made up his mind what he needed to do, he didn't mind that either. It had been a wrench at first, but he was relieved at how quickly he got used to the idea.

  He kissed her on the end of her nose. "I haven't picked out a house. I thought you might like to do that. You could get Fern to take you around. I imagine she's seen half the houses in San Francisco by now."

  The excitement suddenly dimmed. "Aren't you going to help me decide?"

  "I've got a thousand things to do here. Besides, picking out a house is a woman's job. I wouldn't know what to look for, but Fern will. Madison makes her move every few years. Just make sure there's plenty of hot water in the bathroom."

  Zac was surprised to see the animation go out of Lily's expression.

  "I don't want a house if you mean to stay here."

  "I don't," he assured her, relieved to know the source of her worry. "We're going to live in the same place, both of us, all the time."

  She looked relieved. "When can I start looking?"

  He laughed. He couldn't imagine why he hadn't done this before now.

  "Tomorrow if you like, but there's something else I want to talk about first." He took both her hands and pulled her over to the sofa. They sat down. "I want us to get married again."

  "What!"

  She looked stunned. He should have expected that. It was a strange request; it would probably seem even stranger because he couldn't tell her the real reason for the second marriage.

  "I want to get married in a church."

  "Why? We had a perfectly good marriage in the saloon."

  "I know, but I'm ashamed of it. If I hadn't been in a temper, I'd have done everything differently."

  "I guess all of us are partly to blame."

  "Maybe, but there's no reason we can't fix it. You can have a big church wedding with a white dress and dozens of bridesmaids. All my family will want to be here. They won't believe I'm married until they see it for themselves. You will want to invite your family."

  Her face fell. "They won't come."

  "You don't know unless you ask them. Anyway, I want to have the biggest wedding this town's ever seen."

  She was still dubious.

  "You can ask Fern to help you plan it. She doesn't have a daughter of her own. I know she'd love to do it."

  "But I'll feel silly--"

  "We can invite everybody from the saloon."

  "You wouldn't!"

  "I certainly would. These girls are more my family that just about anybody else."

  "You're sure you want to do this?"

  "Absolutely sure. I've been thinking about it for days. Actually for longer than that."

  "You really want to marry me in front of all those people?"

  "Of course. What man wouldn't?"

  "But I'm always getting you into trouble."

  "We get out of it again. Both of us, together."

  "Do you mean that, the together part, I mean?"

  "Yes."

  "For always?"

  "Absolutely."

  "You're sure you don't regret it?"

  "Positive."

  And he didn't. That much at least was the truth. "Now you'd better be getting to bed. I'm surprised you can keep your eyes open."

  "I'm not going back to Bella's."

  "But you're exhausted."

  "You said we'd be together. I think we ought to start right now."

  Zac let himself smile, but he didn't dare say a word. If Lily had any idea how much he wanted to go to bed with her, she might think that was the only reason he was making these changes. It wasn't, but it sure was a good place to start.

  Lily lay awake long after their lovemaking was over. Zac didn't love her. He had held her close and kissed her hungrily, been tender and sweet, passionate and caring, but he never once said he loved her. He had never been wilder or more uninhibited than tonight. If ever his true feelings could have slipped past his guard, it would have been tonight.

  They didn't. There was nothing to slip past.

  She couldn't understand it. He was doing all the right things. She felt certain he was doing them for the right reasons. How could he not love her? If he did, why didn't he tell her?

  She always came back to the same answer. No matter how strong his feelings for her might be, they were not that strong. He would be her husband, buy her a house, father her children, take care of her every need. But she hadn't been able to tap the deep well of emotion inside him. She knew it was there. It was evident in the passionate why he lived life. Why couldn't he be passionate about her? Why couldn't he share himself with her, not just his possessions.

  She wondered if it was possible for Zac to love anybody deeply and truly. Maybe he had never learned to love because they'd gone about this all the wrong way. She had never given him time to search that deeply inside himself. She had forced him to marry her while he thought he barely liked her.

  She used to think she was fortunate he had accepted the situation with good grace. Now she knew she should never have married him until he loved her so much he couldn't think of anything else. But marriage had come before love. Maybe he didn't feel anything else was required.

  Lily had even begun to wonder if it was possible for anyone to love her the way she wanted to be loved. Maybe she was looking for a kind of love that didn't exist. Now that she thought about it, she didn't know if she'd ever see it. Her parents certainly didn't feel that way about each other.

  She sighed in disappointment. How could everything feel so right and so wrong at the same time?

  It would be so easy just to give up and take what she was offered. It was so much more than most people ever found. She felt ungrateful. She certainly couldn't go looking for a house and start planning a wedding then change her mind. She had to make up her mind, and she had to do it soon.

  But first, she had to make certain about the baby.

  * * * * *

  Zac lay staring at the ceiling. He was feeling pretty good about the way things had turned out. He wished he could have found Windy Dumbarton. He hated not having that first marriage recorded. It was like an accusing finger pointed at him in secret. One day someone would find out, and
there'd be hell to pay.

  He wasn't sorry, though, about getting married again in a church. Marrying Lily in that secretive way was just another thing he'd done he was ashamed of now. Hopefully he wouldn't be doing that any longer. He intended to be more responsible in the future.

  He smiled in the dark. Responsibility had always been a dirty word. He'd done everything in the world he could to avoid it. Yet somehow he found himself responsible for a wife and a saloon full of women. This wasn't what he had in mind just a few months ago, and quite frankly it surprised him he was content for it to be so now.

  He looked at Lily, lying asleep beside him. It was difficult to comprehend the difference she had made in his life. In him. He wasn't the same person, yet he didn't think he was essentially different. Other people were going to think he was. That was okay. Like Monty said, you had to learn to do a lot of things differently when you got married.

  Monty was nuts about Iris. Zac wished he could feel that way about Lily. Sometimes it surprised him how strong his feelings were, but they fell short of that all-consuming passion he saw in his brothers.

  Maybe he wasn't capable of that kind of love. His father never loved anybody but himself. It was only reasonable that one of them would end up being like the old bastard. He just wished he hadn't had to be the one. You'd think it would have been Madison. He was cold as a fish except when it came to Fern. Say one word to upset his wife, and you'd better start making out your will real fast.

  Zac envied his brothers being able to love like that. He did love Lily, but it wasn't the wholehearted feeling he expected to feel, what he wanted to give her. He was sure it could be mighty uncomfortable at times, but anything that could turn Jeff into a human being must be pretty wonderful as well.

  He knew Lily loved him utterly and completely. He felt guilty he couldn't return her feelings in equal measure. She deserved to feel loved and treasured, to feel that for one person at least she was the most important person in the universe.

  Well, she was to him. He did love her. He didn't feel the earth move or his heart stop beating. He just felt pleased and contented. He guessed crashing thunder and flashing lights weren't for him. He would never experience the joys, or the agonies, of a grand passion. He was disappointed, but there was no use crying over what couldn't be changed.

  Maybe he couldn't give Lily the grand passion, but he could give her everything else. He'd give her so much she wouldn't have time to realize she was missing anything. And if he was lucky, he'd learn how to love her as much as she loved him.

  * * * * *

  Madison stared at Zac as though he had lost his mind. "You're asking me for a job?"

  "Yes. I hate ranches, so that lets out the twins and George. I want nothing to do with Tyler's hotels -- even if Daisy could stand to be in the same room with me for more than five minutes -- and I couldn't work with Jeff if my life depended upon it. I figure you and I are pretty much alike. We ought to get along okay."

  "I thought you were married to your saloon. The last time I talked with you, you said--"

  "I know what I said, but I wasn't married then. Can you imagine one of your snooty matrons oozing up to Lily at some fancy party and asking And what does your husband do for a living, my dear? She's bound to say He runs a gambling saloon in the Barbary Coast!"

  Madison chuckled. "I'd give a thousand dollars to be there."

  "I don't want my wife being the butt of your entertainment, or anybody else's," Zac said. "She's got to have a respectable husband, somebody she can be proud of." Zac swallowed then plunged ahead. "That's the reason I'm selling the saloon and giving up gambling."

  Madison stared at his youngest brother for the space of several minutes. Then he got up, opened a cabinet, took out a bottle of brandy, and poured some in a glass which he handed to Zac. "Here, drink this, then repeat what you just said."

  Zac smiled as he waved the glass away. "I suppose it is a bit unexpected."

  "It's a damned shock," Madison said. "Have you told George?"

  "No. I'm waiting to tell him about the wedding at the same time."

  "Fern told me you were doing the wedding over. Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

  "Yes. If I'd known a little earlier, all of this could have been prevented."

  Madison drank the brandy himself then settled back into his chair. "I'll give you a job," he said. "I always thought you'd be good in business. You've got the right instincts. It's a lot like gambling anyway, only more respectable."

  "And for larger stakes."

  "Much larger," Madison said sobering. "You realize I'm going to ride you hard. You're not going to get any breaks just because you're my brother."

  "I don't want any. I'll pull my weight. If I can't, I'll leave on my own."

  Madison shook his head in disbelief. "I wouldn't have believed this conversation if I hadn't been sitting right here. You've got to bring this wife of yours over. I've got to see the woman who could put the handcuffs on you. Does she know what a devil you are?"

  "That's just it. She thinks I'm damned near perfect. She nearly attacked the preacher's wife for criticizing me."

  "Is she all right in the head?"

  Zac laughed. "She's just as blind as Fern."

  "If she's only half as good as Fern, you got more than you deserve."

  "I got a lot more."

  * * * * *

  Bella's dark parlor was absolutely the wrong setting for the news Lily had just heard.

  "I can't imagine why Hezekiah should want to marry me," Julie Peterson was saying, "but he swears he does."

  "I'm sure Hezekiah knows his own mind," Lily replied, all the while fearing he must have lost it completely. Only a short time ago he'd been certain Julie was a woman of easy virtue.

  "But he's a minister, and I've worked in a saloon."

  "Hezekiah won't care about that." And he wouldn't. He might allow himself to be swayed once in a while, but Lily had never doubted the purity of his heart.

  "But other people will. I couldn't stand to have anybody say terrible things about him because of me. Can you imagine what Mrs. Thoragood will say?"

  "He won't care, and neither should you."

  "I can't help being worried. I don't know how to be a minister's wife."

  "Don't worry. You'll learn. Hezekiah will help you."

  "But I can't always be hanging on him. Would you mind terribly if I asked you? You know all about it already."

  Lily almost laughed at the irony of the situation. She who knew all about being a minister's wife had married a gambler. Julie, who had found sanctuary in a saloon, wanted to marry a minister. Surely Fate had played a joke on both of them.

  "I'll do anything I can to help. When are you getting married?"

  "I don't know. I've told Hezekiah we've got to wait a year."

  "Why so long?"

  "It's a big step for both of us. I have to make sure I can do this. It's not going to be easy for Hezekiah, either. Some congregations won't accept me."

  "Why not? All they'll see is a pretty young wife and her devoted husband."

  "Hezekiah says he wants to stay in San Francisco. He wants to help young women like Zac does."

  "I think that's wonderful. Now I suggest you go find Hezekiah and tell him you really don't want to wait a whole year."

  "You think I should?"

  "I think a month will be plenty."

  "You've got to promise to come to the wedding. I couldn't think of getting married without you. None of this would be happening if you hadn't rescued me from that man."

  As they said their good-byes, Lily consoled herself with the knowledge that at least one good thing had come of all the foolish things she'd done in the past months. Julie could look forward to her wedding knowing her husband loved her.

  Lily told herself she was being foolish not to feel the same way, but she couldn't. She was certain she was pregnant. Her time of the month had always come with unfailing regularity, never varying more than a day or two.
She was more than two weeks late. She was sure.

  This should have been one of the happiest moments in her life. She wanted to be Zac's wife more than anything else in the world. She wanted his baby. Yet she spent hours every day trying to keep from bursting into tears.

  She was caught. It was no longer a question of what she wanted to do. She had to think of her child. That child would need a father. She had no right to deny it the privilege of growing up with two parents. Besides, she knew how Zac felt about fatherless children.

  There could be no more indecisiveness. She couldn't even consider leaving him. She had to stay. She had to be his wife. It infuriated her that her decision should make her want to cry. She was acting stupid. Zac was everything a woman could want in a husband, handsome, rich, determined to do everything he could to please her. She reminded herself for the one thousandth time she had no one to blame for her situation but herself. She had known Zac didn't love her when she married him.

  She was extremely fortunate he now seemed happy and anxious to be her husband. He had changed his whole life because of her. He couldn't possibly have any doubts. She was the only one who wanted more.

  Well, it was about time she stopped acting like a child and faced up to the fact she was a very lucky young woman. With ninety-nine percent of their relationship nearly perfect, it was foolish to even think of rejecting it for the one percent that was missing.

  She sat down to write Zac a note telling him she'd been acting foolishly these last weeks. She'd be happy to marry him again in the biggest wedding in the country if he wanted. She was very proud to be his wife and wanted everyone to know it.

  She knew such a note would bring him rushing over, suspicious at her giving in. But she would have time to get her feelings under control, to look like she was the happiest woman in the world.

  She owed him that much.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  "We'll have the reception here at the hotel," Daisy was telling Tyler. "You can make everything as fancy as you like, but I don't want you anywhere near that kitchen the entire time."