NOT SO Special: a bay falls high novel

by Kidman, Jaxson

I didn’t hear any alarms going off but that didn’t mean there wasn’t a silent alarm. Or that cameras weren’t on, watching me.

  When I got behind the desk, I looked around.

  I grabbed the drawer and tugged at it.

  It slid open.

  I laughed.

  My eyes then caught sight of a piece of paper on the desk.

  Dr. Jo Thornburn

  It was a folded piece of paper.

  I opened it and there were a bunch of papers. It all looked like administrative stuff. Just garbage papers… except the last one.

  A handwritten note from Werthwood to Jo.

  Jo -

  I need to know she’s okay. I can’t stand back much longer. I’m sure you understand that by now. There’s only so much I can know, not know, witness, turn my head on, and let happen. If she gets hurt… or she leaves… it’ll be my guilt that will never let me be. Please understand that. We need to talk soon.

  Hagan

  I swallowed hard.

  “What the…”

  I dug in the drawer Lizzy told Danica I needed to look in.

  And I found a folder.

  Just one folder though.

  I dropped it to the desk and looked in the drawer.

  There was nothing else.

  “Fuck,” I whispered.

  I didn’t come here for just one folder.

  I wanted all the folders. I wanted the truth.

  Pissed off now, I opened the folder I found.

  There was a handwritten letter on top.

  In Werthwood’s handwriting.

  Michelle -

  Shelly. Remember that? Remember what that all meant? When we were raising our little girl together? It’s all coming back together now. For you. For me. For us. We can make it all work again.

  I need you to know I never truly loved again.

  Even what I had now… it wasn’t the same.

  It was easy to keep things a secret. She wanted it to be that way too. But I never felt completely right with her. She was starting to go in a different direction. I considered it for a second. Until our girl showed up here.

  I kept my promise to you, Shelly. I didn’t say a word.

  I just kept my eye on her.

  And when I realized how lost and hurt she was… that she didn’t belong here with Jo… I did what I had to do. I broke things off with Ann. She’s hurt, but she understands. I’ve always lived with a sense of integrity. But I’ve always felt a piece of me was taken when things didn’t work out between us.

  I know the stories, Shelly.

  Let’s write a different one now.

  We’re so close to being together again.

  I don’t want our girl to end up in trouble. I know you said telling her would make things worse. But I can’t hold back much longer.

  Our little Belle is grown up now.

  I shut the folder and grabbed the letter Werthwood wrote to Jo.

  I put it all to my chest as I gasped for a breath.

  As I looked around the office, I felt sick.

  Tired.

  Sick.

  Confused.

  Alone.

  I lifted my knee and shut the drawer.

  Then I ran through the office and out the window I had broken.

  I took the folder, the letters and the baseball bat back to the car.

  The baseball bat I put in the backseat and the folder was next to me.

  I started the car but I didn’t drive away.

  I smoked a cigarette and reached for the folder again.

  After I flipped it open, I swirled my hand around the pages and grabbed the first thing I could.

  It was a picture.

  I held the picture up in front of my face and felt myself ready to throw up.

  The picture was of me on my mother’s lap. Behind us was a banner for my first birthday. But that wasn’t the shocking part… or even the fact that Werthwood had this picture…

  The shocking part was that Werthwood stood behind my mother, a hand on her shoulder, a big smile on her face.

  Like we were a family.

  As though Hagan fucking Werthwood was my father.

  fifteen

  Where do I go now?

  It was the most important question in my life at that moment.

  There was nowhere to go.

  Lizzy…

  She wanted me to find this.

  She pointed me right to Werthwood’s office. His desk. The drawer.

  It had nothing to do with Them.

  But it was the truth.

  That’s what Lizzy said she’d give me.

  And the truth would be the end of everything.

  The story of Them was now put on hold for a second.

  And for good reason.

  Was Hagan fucking Werthwood my father?

  Just thinking that was enough to make me want to get sick. But I had the proof. Or something like proof. Right next to me. Sitting on the seat of the car.

  The words.

  The truth.

  And it wasn’t just one picture. Or one letter either.

  It was an entire folder of pictures and letters.

  Like Werthwood had collected them and put them there on purpose…

  For me to find?

  To send to my mother?

  To tell-

  Lights flashed behind me.

  I gasped and looked in the mirror.

  They were headlights.

  The high beams flashing on and off. On and off.

  I kept smoking my cigarette as I put the window down all the way.

  I dared anyone to fuck with me.

  The mood I was in…

  Everyone wanted to set me up.

  That was the hardest reality.

  From Sarah to Lizzy.

  Names that were twisted together, people who I never met before, and they were part of the fucked up story that had become my life.

  “Belle, are you okay?”

  I turned my head and exhaled smoke.

  And my eyes went wide.

  Jo was standing outside the car.

  * * *

  There was no terror.

  No panic.

  No fear.

  I was just empty.

  Completely empty.

  “Belle,” Jo yelled. “What are you doing?”

  “Smoking a cigarette,” I said. “You can have the keys back. I’ll walk somewhere else.” I shook my head. “Wait. How did you find me?”

  “Everything is tracked, Belle,” Jo said. “I always know where this car is. Always.”

  I laughed. “Of course you do. That’s just part of this, right? It’s like everyone pulling at another string of my life. Like some kind of sick joke. Take the saddest parts of my life and expose them and fuck me over in the process.”

  “Belle… please…”

  “Fuck you, Jo,” I said. “Fuck you, Dr. Thornburn.”

  “Excuse me?” Jo asked. She leaned down and showed her teeth. “Care to explain why you were at Bay Falls High a short while ago? And care to explain why there’s a window shattered over there?”

  I smiled. “Stalking me? Just like him.”

  “Him?”

  “My father,” I said.

  “What? Who?”

  “My. Father. Don’t play stupid. I know everything.” I laughed again. “Everyone keeps setting me up. Right? And now, what, you’re going to be surprised? Huh?”

  “Oh, I’m surprised, Belle,” Jo said. “You don’t know who your father is. Neither does your mother. Trust me.”

  “Trust you? You kicked me out. Remember? And I know the truth. Don’t worry, I’ll talk to Shelly.”

  After I find Them and punch each one in the face as hard as I can…

  “Shelly,” Jo said. “Wait a second…”

  I reached for the folder and grabbed a letter and a picture.

  This picture was of Christmas. With a huge Christmas tree. And presents everywhere. And there was Hagan fucking Werthwood, wear
ing a thick, green robe, handing me a present. And I was hugging a doll, smiling ear to ear.

  “Oh… no…”

  Those were the words Jo managed to say to me.

  “Oh, yeah,” I said.

  “How did you get this?”

  “I have my ways,” I said. “A little broken glass never hurt anyone… or maybe it did… I’m not sure yet.” I opened the letter. I pointed to the Shelly part and grinned. “I guess this explains why he was following me. Making sure I was safe. Like a good father?”

  Jo swiped the picture and the letter out of my hand.

  She looked around.

  “You fucking broke into his office,” Jo said. “I don’t think you realize the world of trouble you’re in right now. We have to get out of here.”

  “We?”

  “My house. Right now.”

  “Not interested, Jo.”

  “You better get fucking interested right now, Belle,” she said. “Save your rebel bullshit attitude for later when you know a little more.”

  “A little more of what?” I asked.

  Jo shook her head. “I knew about the pictures, Belle. I heard about the letters. But you’ve got things mixed up.”

  “Doesn’t look mixed up to me,” I said.

  Jo threw the picture and the letter across the car. “Go to my place or I’ll call the police right now. This is my car. And you’re sitting here, smoking, after you broke into Bay Falls High.”

  I stared at her.

  I was challenging her.

  Standing up to her.

  A part of me just didn’t really care anymore.

  Jo grabbed my face with one hand. She took my cigarette with her other hand and flicked it away.

  My right hand curled up into a fist.

  Ready to strike.

  “I’m telling you one thing and then I’m following you back to my house. Understand?”

  “Maybe,” I said.

  Her grip on my jaw was getting tighter.

  Jo curled her lip.

  “Belle… Hagan Werthwood is not your father.”

  * * *

  Ever go for a drive and don’t remember driving? Like the road becomes a magic carpet, like in a movie, and you’re just floating along, right? You’re just moving without knowing you’re moving. The long roads and the light of the headlights spreading wide and eventually fading because they could show you so much. A truth of life. You can only see so much. That’s just how it goes…

  I sat outside watching the colors in the pool changing.

  Jo finally came outside and I shut my notebook.

  Miss Whitaker was going to get her ten pages. And then some. She was going to get the full disaster that made up the life of Belle Bablebit. That was for fucking sure. And then when it all finally crashed down for good, I’d probably end up in jail. So then I could write from jail. It’d be like a TV show or something.

  Jo had a glass of wine.

  I had a bottle of fancy water.

  She put her phone down on the table.

  “Left your mother a message,” she said.

  “Does this mean you’re in silence now?”

  “Fuck no,” she said. “I just wanted to offer my respect to her.”

  “But you knew this all along, right?”

  “Belle…”

  “I’m tired of that look, Jo. I’m tired of everyone looking at me like I’m so fucking sad and broken. And then instead of telling me the truth or actually helping, I’m just sent down another path.”

  “Why did you break into his office?” Jo asked.

  I laughed. “Doesn’t matter now, does it?”

  “You better have a good reason or else I’m not helping you get out of this,” Jo said.

  “My reason was good. Doesn’t matter what you think.”

  My phone buzzed against the glass table.

  Another text from Lizzy.

  Please answer. Please. R u okay?

  I ignored her again.

  I was going to ignore her until I figured it all out. Why she sent me there. Why she had me find what I did.

  Jo walked away from the table. “I never understood how it worked between those two.”

  “Who?” I asked.

  “Your mother and Hagan.”

  I swallowed hard. “I see those pictures and don’t remember anything.”

  “How could you, Belle?” Jo asked. “It was there and gone so fast. And you moved around so much. And your mother was just… she had what she wanted and lost it. And she’s been trying to replace it.”

  “But he’s not my father, right?”

  Jo looked me in the eyes. “He’s not. I promise you. He came into your life when you were just three months old, Belle. It was a rich boy, poor girl thing. They knew each other one summer and that was it. Until later…”

  I put my head back.

  Rich boy, poor girl.

  “He took to you,” Jo said. “He was good to you. For the first time ever, your mother had a family. What she always wanted. He was around for a while too, Belle. There’s not much I can answer there because I was in a different part of my life. I wasn’t worried about finding a man, having a kid, doing the family thing.”

  “You’ll never be that,” I said.

  “And that is none of your fucking business,” Jo said.

  “So all these letters…”

  “He wrote and never sent I guess,” Jo said.

  “And the pictures…”

  “I guess he took them, Belle. I wasn’t involved in the end. Okay? I’m telling you exactly what I know.” Jo walked back to me. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you thought you found your father.”

  “So nobody really knows who my father is?” I asked.

  Jo shook her head. “And again, I’m sorry.”

  “So you brought me here for what? To rub my face in all of this? Or to just hide it? Use it to control me?”

  “Everything I ever said was the truth,” Jo said. “Well, that’s a lie.”

  “Of course it is.”

  “I fucking care about you, Belle,” Jo said. “Okay? I said I wasn’t a mother, friend, caretaker, whatever. That’s a lie too. Look, I don’t ever want to paint a bad picture about your mother. That’s not my job.”

  “We all know who she is, Jo.”

  “Right. It was hard to see her run out and get pregnant and then be alone. And it was hard that no matter how much I tried to help, it wasn’t good enough for her. Because she wanted a family. Hagan was good to her, for her, and the same for you. Then it was over. I talked to him a few times about it. When I brought you here, I talked to him again. He was eager to have you here. It relieved him to know you were safe. But then…”

  “I hung out with the wrong crowd, right?” I asked.

  “I’m not here to talk about that. You can look in the mirror and see what’s there. Here’s what I know, Belle. You had a chance to not worry about the same thing over and over. You had a chance to find yourself in your writing. And in a way, it’s good you found Lake. She’s weird to me, but if it works for you…”

  I stood up and pointed to Jo.

  My phone buzzed again.

  When I looked down and saw Ash’s name on the screen, my heart sank.

  WE NEED TO TALK ANGEL. DO NOT SAY NO.

  “One second here,” I said to Jo.

  I reached down and opened the text.

  I replied with a middle finger emoji.

  “There,” I said. “Now we can keep talking, Jo.”

  “What else is there, Belle? I have to go start making calls to figure out how to fix what you just did. You broke the window to his office. At the building. There’s cameras. Footage. You used my vehicle. There’s evidence everywhere.”

  “But look what I got out of it,” I said. “It makes sense now why he followed me, right?”

  “He was worried about you,” Jo said. “We did talk that night. I told him not to go near you. I don’t think he ever got over your mother. I don’t think
he wants to jump in and be your father either. But know this… he knows more than you think. He knows what happened to your mother all her life. And yours.”

  “And I’m the idiot now,” I said. “Everyone knowing what they know and I’m just walking around…”

  Jo grabbed my left hand. “You’re going be okay. No matter what. You’re going to be okay.”

  “Can I say something really honest?” I asked.

  “Go for it, Belle.”

  “I want you to leave me the fuck alone right now, Jo. I appreciate you bringing me back here. But right now? Leave me the fuck alone.”

  Jo squeezed my hand and nodded.

  She moved away from me to get her wineglass.

  She lifted the glass off the table and sighed. “You were right about Michael. Just so you know. My reaction was wrong. And I’m sorry for that.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “There was no arrangement,” Jo said. “I thought…” She cleared her throat. “I thought it was something more than he did.”

  “Did you use a scalpel to cut off his balls?”

  Jo smiled. “Not quite that far. He was both impressed and terrified that I knew where he was and what he was doing. That was enough for me.”

  Jo walked back to the house and disappeared inside.

  There was another text from Ash waiting for me.

  WE WILL TALK SOON BELLE.

  I sat down and helped myself to a cigarette.

  “Oh, we’re going to talk soon, Ash,” I said. “And Uly. And Hil…”

  But first, I had some letters to read.

  * * *

  Dear Shelly -

  I sometimes go through waves of memories. Waves that sometimes gently hit to the shore of my heart and make me smile. While others are the violence of a hurricane, telling me more than I wanted to ever know.

  Rather than sit here and become feeble and poetic, I’ll share a memory.

  That one day in the summer when my alarm never went off.

  I woke up late, pissed off, wanting to blame someone for the alarm not working.

  I hated being late.

  I hated missing work.

  And I stood in the bathroom, shaving, when you brought little Belle to me.

  Holding her up, blocking your face.