Stubborn Love

by Wendy Owens

  Slipping my make-up back into my bag, I sighed. Not too bad, I thought. If the Chatty Kathy routine this morning was any indicator, Colin would most certainly be waiting for me to get home. I had already devised a plan to walk a block out of my way and come up the street past the warehouse. That way, unless he was waiting for me at my place, I would successfully avoid him.

  Bounding down the stairs and out the front door of the school, I squinted as the sun temporarily stole my vision. Fumbling for my sunglasses, I paused a moment until they were securely in place upon the bridge of my nose. The breeze blew against my face, causing a few loose strands of hair to pull away from the collective group and dance in the wind.

  “Hey beautiful,” Colin said in a soft yet deep voice. My heart first swelled, quickened in pace, and then sank, as if I were on a roller coaster.

  I spun around, taking several steps toward him, an invisible force drawing me near. I was smiling. Why are you smiling? I didn’t have an answer for myself, at least not one I was willing to admit.

  “Colin, what are you doing here?” I asked, falling into his grasp. What are you doing? Don’t fall into his arms; you need to resist his charms. No matter what I told myself, in that moment, I was unable to resist his charms.

  He pressed his lips against my forehead, and a chill ran down my spine. “Are you kidding me? I tried to sleep, and when that didn’t work, I tried to get some work done. I gave up on that around lunchtime and decided I would come and wait for you. Can I walk you home?”

  “Of course,” I replied, taking a position next to him and locking my arm around his, thankful I had taken the time to spruce myself up moments ago. I don’t know how he did it, but when I was away from him I could think clearly, where I was free from his captivating gaze. The moment he came near me, though, his intoxicating smell that made me think of a rugged lumber jack, shirtless in the woods, his sparkling eyes that made me dizzy, combined to turn me into a pile of goo.

  We proceeded to walk down the sidewalk; I could feel the eyes of all the ladies we walked past, staring at me, wishing they could take my place. Damn, why did that feel so good?

  “Well, I was hoping that perhaps you had time to think about what we talked about this morning,” Colin said. I could feel his eyes on me.

  “It was a busy day,” I lied. The only thing I had been thinking about since I left his side was what we had talked about. I didn’t want him to know that my head was telling me to run away from him as fast as I could before someone got hurt, while everything in my body was screaming at me to go for it. Though I tried to look at things logically, and justify my reaction to him as a simple case of lust, when I was with him I couldn’t resist.

  “Em, I know what you think about me, but I’m more than that,” Colin explained.

  “Oh yeah, and just what makes you think you know what I think of you, Mr. Bennett?” I wasn’t even sure what I thought of Colin anymore. I was certain I enjoyed being around him, but even more certain anything between us would only end badly.

  “Let’s just say a little bird told me.” Colin grinned.

  “Paige,” I growled, realizing he was referring to my comments about him being a player, which I thought had been made in confidence.

  “I’m not going to lie to you. I’ll never lie to you. I have been with a lot of women in my life.”

  “Yeah, I kind of gathered that between Paige’s ex-roommate and the bimbo at the bar who had her tongue down your throat.”

  “I thought that was against the rules to talk about?” Colin asked with a grin.

  “Oh, you can’t talk about it, but I can say whatever I want about it.”

  He laughed. “Is that right?”

  “Yup, those are the rules. You agreed to them—nothing we can do about it now.”

  “I see. I’m going to be so honest with you, even though I think that I may destroy any chance I might possibly have of getting you to date me.”

  “That juicy? Do go on,” I prodded.

  “I’m not sure what Paige told you about my past, but I think you need to know more about who I am. I pretty much raised Christian. All I’ve ever wanted is for him to have a happy life. Filling our parents’ shoes wasn’t easy, and I always thought it meant love wasn’t an option for me. I thought I had too many responsibilities. If it meant Christian had a chance at being happy, I was willing to give up my own happiness.” Colin’s tone became extremely serious as he went on to discuss his wild past.

  “And how do you think all of those women felt about being used like that?” I questioned, remembering the pain on Bailey’s face.

  “I know it doesn’t seem like much, but if I ever hurt any of those women, it was not intentional. I have always been upfront that I wasn’t looking for love. Some of them thought they could change me, make me into the guy they wanted me to be.”

  “And why exactly should I put myself through that?” I asked, avoiding his glare, keeping my eyes focused on the path in front of us.

  “I’ve never felt anything like this, Em. I’m not looking for just sex. I want to be with you, and I want you to only be with me.” Colin sounded hurt that I could even ask the question.

  What did he mean he had never felt like this? Things are getting far too serious already. You need to end this while you still can, I told myself.

  “Nothing has changed for you—Christian is still your number one priority.” There wasn’t anything he could say to dispute that; anyone could see Christian was the driving force in his life.

  “He was. But now someone else has become a priority to me.”

  Damn it.

  I stopped, unable to move. I pulled my arm from his and backed against the brick wall, needing it to steady myself. “Don’t say stuff like that. Your brother is your life, and I’m just some girl.”

  He moved in close to me, pressing against my body, lifting my chin with his fingertips, and forcing me to look into his eyes. “You’re not just some girl. Why do you think he ended up getting wasted the other night? I’m so distracted, all I can think about is you.”

  “Great, now you’re saying it’s my fault your brother fell off the wagon!” I exclaimed, attempting unsuccessfully to break away.

  “No! Damn it, Em, why do you have to make things so hard? I’m just trying to say I love my brother, and that will never change, but I have put him first long enough. I want more in my life now. I want you.” I did make things hard, impossible in fact, so why couldn’t he see how much misery I was going to bring him—how much pain we would bring to each other.

  “You don’t mean that,” I argued. I wanted to tell him who I really was, what I was capable of, but it was a secret I had sworn never to reveal.

  “Why would you say that? Don’t you think I’m man enough to decide what I want?” he demanded, his hands shaking in frustration.

  He needed to know that I was no good for him; he needed to know I left a path of destruction behind me. I looked directly into his eyes, refusing to allow the pools of gray to swallow me in their depths. “Colin, I’m broken. I don’t want to be with you because if I was, you would end up just as broken as me.”

  “That’s bullshit. It’s an excuse. We all have pasts, but nothing is so bad we can’t overcome it.”

  “You don’t know that.” Why was he being so relentless? I needed him to let it go, but he just kept pushing.

  “So tell me,” Colin pleaded.

  I didn’t move. I didn’t breathe. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to give it all over to him with the hope he could take the pain and make it go away. But I couldn’t. I would keep drowning the sorrow deep within.

  “I can’t,” I finally whispered. Run. Just turn and run away from him right now. You are not strong enough for this yet. I tried to do what my mind was pleading for me to do, but instead I found myself standing there, waiting for him to give me a reason—a reason for me to stop running, to stop hurting all the time.

  “Fine, don’t
tell me. But don’t do this—don’t push me away. Let me love you.” Love me? He didn’t know the things I knew about love. It was a beast that chewed you up and spit you out.

  “I can’t hurt you, too,” I whispered.

  “Who else have you hurt, sweetie?” Colin asked. I knew he saw the wave of sadness consume me. I couldn’t answer; the pain of my past was too great. Reaching his arms out, he pulled me into his protective cocoon. “I see you, baby, all of you, so please, let me at least try.”

  What are you doing? You know what happened with Ashton—you use people up until there is nothing left of them. Don’t do that to Colin. The more I scolded myself internally, the more I started to think maybe I needed Colin. Maybe I was so broken I couldn’t be put back together without someone’s help. That’s a dangerous gamble… are you willing to gamble Colin’s heart on that? Think about the last man’s heart you broke.

  “I don’t know,” I said at last.

  “I’m not asking for you to commit the rest of your life to me, Em,” Colin explained. “All I want is for you to give us a chance. If I can’t make you happy, then I will understand.”

  I dug my fingers deeper into his body, before confessing, “I’m scared.”

  “This is scary stuff.” He didn’t ask me why, or of what. He accepted my fear. I loved that.

  “What if we hurt each other?” I asked, positive he couldn’t have a good answer for me.

  Colin considered my question before taking a step back to look at me. His hands slid down my arms, taking hold of my wrists. He bent slightly, forcing me to look him in the eyes. “That’s a chance I’m willing to take. I think what we could have together is worth so much more than the risks. Please, don’t give up on us before we even get started.”

  This is where you say no, I thought. But that didn’t happen. Instead I nodded. I couldn’t believe I was agreeing. Everything I promised myself I would never do again, and here I was, departing from the reality I had accepted and losing all control. He made me feel again—my heart ached, and he consumed me in a way I never thought possible. Terrified, I kept nodding yes… yes to a chance. I only hoped neither of us would regret it.

  “No seriously, I want to know,” Paige insisted, following me from room to room as I tried to escape her incessant questioning.

  “You’re funny, but now will you please drop it?” I begged.

  “Not until you tell me if he cries when he climaxes.” Paige’s statement practically made her squeal with delight.

  “Oh my God, babe! Please, no more!” Christian yelled from the couch. “Isn’t it bad enough he actually forbade me from going back to the loft tonight?”

  I stopped dead in my tracks; I could still hear Paige snickering from behind me. Walking to the open doorway of my bedroom, I stared intensely at Christian as I asked, “Why would you not be allowed to go back to the loft?”

  “He didn’t say exactly, but it’s not something I really want to give too much thought to, if you know what I mean,” he snarled, not pleased with being kicked out for the evening.

  “I bet I know why…” Paige taunted gleefully.

  “Will you stop already?” I groaned, running into my bedroom and slipping a pair of canvas flats on.

  “Oh, come on, just a little more,” she whined, swinging halfway into my room, hanging from the doorframe. “Are we talking Vienna sausage or foot long?”

  “Gross!” Christian shouted, skillfully tossing a throw pillow, and nailing Paige in the back of the head.

  “Whatever, I need to go,” I replied, pushing past her, giving a quick disapproving roll of my eyes.

  “Wait, that’s what you’re wearing?” she asked.

  Looking down at my jeans and tight fitting t-shirt I smiled, “Yup.”

  “No, he’s planning a romantic night, so you need to wear something sexy,” Paige argued.

  “I am,” I insisted, walking to the front door and opening it.

  “That is not sexy!” Paige yelled back.

  “You haven’t seen what I’m wearing under it,” I replied, barely able to contain my laughter. I wished in that moment her face had been visible to me, I am certain her expression would be priceless.

  “Oh, you slut!” she cried.

  As I pulled the door closed behind me, I heard Christian moaning in disgust. I made my way to Colin’s place, and by that time, my imagination was running wild as to what he might have planned for the evening. We had been dating for a couple weeks now, and the world had not spun off its axis, a tsunami had not hit the city, and best of all, Colin did not press me about my past. All winners in my book.

  The lift stopped, and I raised the door, trying to convince the butterflies in my stomach to stop battling. I thought after you dated someone for a little while these feelings were supposed to cease, but apparently I had not reached that threshold with Colin. Every time I was about to meet up with him, the same feelings would rise in me. It didn’t help that when I walked into a room he would give me a look like he wanted to strip me naked with his teeth.

  Another thing I hadn’t figured out: when did you stop knocking on the door? I mean if you were an exclusive item, did you have to knock every time you walked into the other person’s place? He had a key to my apartment since he was our landlord, but he had never actually used it without permission after we made the commitment to exclusively see one another.

  Clearing my throat, I reached out my newly polished fingertips and repeatedly tapped my knuckles on the door.

  “Em?” I heard his muffled voice yelling from a distant room.

  “Yeah, it’s me,” I called back, feeling a little goofy yelling through the door.

  “Come on in.”

  I tried the door, but much to my dismay it did not open. “It’s locked.”

  Pressing my cheek against the cool steel, I heard his footsteps bounding toward me. A moment later there was some clicking and sliding noises, the door finally pulling open to reveal his smiling face. Damn, he was sexy. “We’re going to have to get you a key made.”

  I guess that answered that question. I followed him into the main room, pausing as he closed and locked the door behind me. The recent push he and Christian had made to get the drywall hung, had made all the difference since I had last seen the space. It was starting to actually resemble a home rather than a squatter’s paradise.

  “Oh, babe, it’s looking so good in here,” I offered, my eyes shifting to the kitchen, where the new dark upper cabinets were now completely hung.

  Colin laughed at my response. “Not such a rat hole anymore, huh?”

  “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?” I asked, lifting my eyebrows.

  “Eventually… maybe,” he teased. “It’s got a long way to go out here, but this wasn’t why I wanted you to come over here tonight.”

  I turned toward him, reaching out with my free hand to grab his, pulling him closer and pressing my body against him. “Oh yeah? And just why exactly did you bring me here?”

  Running his nose along mine, he brought it to rest just above my lips. “Slow down, girl, we have plenty of time for that.”

  My face flushed as the embarrassment washed over me. Had we actually reached a point where I was starting to over-sex him? “I’m sorry, I thought you wanted—”

  His lips pressed against mine, stealing my words away. When he pulled back, he looked into my eyes. “Oh, I definitely want that, but this night is all about you. Let’s take our time.”

  “I like the sound of that,” I muttered.

  Pulling away, he turned and walked toward the master bedroom, pausing just outside and staring at me, beckoning me with his eyes to join him.

  “Wait, I thought we weren’t going to do that right now,” I playfully jested, not budging from where I stood.

  “I have a surprise for you—now will you get over here,” he said, more as a command than a question.

  “A surprise?” I asked, allo
wing him to take my hand as I approached.

  “Yes, close your eyes.”

  I gave him a disapproving glare. “This isn’t going to end well for me, is it?”

  Colin smiled. “Will you just close your eyes?”

  Pursing my lips together, I reluctantly obeyed. I heard the door to the master bedroom open, and he guided me through the doorway.

  “Turn a little this way,” he instructed. “Okay, open.”

  When the darkness fell away, an amazing scene was revealed. Since I met the Bennett brothers, I had been forced to use the guest bathroom in the main part of their living quarters. The construction efforts in the master bath, which had been kept under wraps and handled exclusively by Colin, were off limits to anyone else. The only way to describe what I was looking at: an absolute masterpiece. The room had become a work of art.

  My head turned from side to side, wildly, as I tried to take everything in. Though an enchanting chandelier hung over the oval-shaped bathtub, the room was lit by the dozens of candles that littered the floor and counter of an old buffet, which had been restored and converted into a double vanity. Two of the walls, from floor to ceiling, were covered in small, one-inch tiles that reflected as if they were made of pearls. At the far end there was a stand up shower stall, entirely encased in glass, an oversized shower-head hanging in the center, ready to create a waterfall for its inhabitant.

  In the corner, across from the shower, was a door, which I assumed, led to the toilet. Perhaps the tray of delectable looking goodies should have been what surprised me the most, but it wasn’t. What took my breath away was when I caught site of a painting near the bathtub. It was one of mine—I remember naming it black tears. It was of a young girl, her head hanging low, her eyes closed, a darkness all around her, and as her mascara ran down her cheeks they created the trails of black tears.